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Old 06-23-2018, 05:05 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724
Default The "lopsided poly" phenomenon

I've made note of this lately:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
it isn't particularly rare that someone who goes haring off after some fling allows their "mono" partner similar freedom, only to go into panic mode when that partner actually becomes interested in someone else.

Worse particularly when the first's NRE begins to fade & they start to rethink this whole "poly" thing & demand a return to the safe confines of monogamy.
I've seen it first-hand for years, though it first got my attention as a phenomenon of the swing community.

There, the stereotype was that a man would browbeat/whine/wear down his wife/girlfriend so that she'd be his "beard" & get him into all that free hoochie. Often, he was secure in the notion that she'd sit off in a "clothed" social area. So, as he was discovering that he wasn't particularly special, she would be courted by various men & women, & begin to realize she was indeed desirable. Some couples broke when the wife chose to have sex with others; some made it far enough that she was excited about being a center of attention right when he played the "it'd be best for our mariage if we give up on this silly stuff" card.

Recently, it's appeared in a handful of unrelated tales, & I feel it ought to be explicitly addressed.

Now I wonder...

Has this been addressed by any of the published "poly authorities" that've popped up since 2004? (I made comments on PMM about how sometimes someone who "allows freedom" to a partner goes apesh!t "when it all gets really real" but can't remember if I included it in the book.)

Has anyone given it a name? I once called it "first-out backlash" but that didn't catch on.

I really think that it could be fruitful to track stories that appear in these forums, & maybe to launch a thread specific to it rather than constant rehashing.
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