Happy-ish Stable-ish, Uneventful Poly

Thanks Rory! Brian was pretty late, which made me nervous, but Adam is used to people being flaky and cuts them MUCH more slack than I do - when he got there it was easy and relaxed I think, I beat them soundly in 2/3 games, and although I don't know if there will ever be a close "lets play video games one on one" relationship between them, it seems like more board game group things are likely. Phew!

Gives me a good reason to put any further excuses to over think and worry to rest until the holidays are over :)
 
I have some stuff going on in my head, I don't particularly think that rambling about it will help me come to any conclusions, but maybe I'll get lucky. I may have rambled about a bit of this before.

Chemistry... Kissing....

I have the "problem" that I don't often find myself instantly attracted to people, even at my most socially active when I met lots of new people, it never averaged more than once a year. Also every third one tends to be a gay male... lets just say I don't expect that to suddenly change where I find myself attracted to people left and right :( Over the last 9 or so years it's only happened with two men and two women. Only one of these was in a situation where it was meeting somebody who was poly and led to a date. I resisted going up to the guy in the grocery store with long flaming red hair who looked like a fucking Viking to tell him that I thought he was cute, yes that's my husband over there, and would you like my number? Man I wish I was an extrovert.

I've figured out that I look for different things when kissing men vs women. With women I like a slow sensual energy. Presumably because I haven't ended up involved sexually with a female yet, I prefer the idea of a slower path, as opposed to immediately being carried away with lust and wanting to get naked. As at this rate I'm getting the feeling it's unlikely I'll end up dating women that's more just a fact I'm filing away.

Men on the other hand, I'd really prefer that kissing is passionate/exciting/compatible right off the bat (at least after the first date that involves kissing where it's all nervous making) even if I wasn't "attracted at first sight". Having both immediate chemistry AND compatible kissing right away hasn't happened for 20 years though. Besides a cuddle party where I am pretty sure I kissed some guys but only remember the girls... I've only kissed 6 guys since non monogamy entered the picture, and I'd categorize those experiences from anywhere from "the worst kisses anybody in the entire world probably ever suffered through", to "eh", to "nice, I guess." I've also experienced sexual compatibility with people I didn't feel kissing compatibility with, so I know that they don't have to go hand in hand, but I'd like to avoid having sex with people I'm not really excited about.

I really _fucking love_ kissing my partners, but it wasn't immediate. Still no clue how I ended up dating Adam when I had no intention for more than friendship, and poor Brian, I remember on our third date pretty much saying "Ok, kiss me with everything you got" and I figured if that didn't spark something deep in my loins, I probably shouldn't go out with him again. It didn't, but I kept going out with him, thank goodness because at some point we worked that out it seems. I can't imagine how wacko that must've seemed, good thing he's tolerant. The fact that both relationships I'm in are with people I wasn't sure about for awhile makes me wary to make snap judgments about chemistry at all.

Adam was chuckling at me because he said I'm approaching this scientifically :(

The factors that I'm trying to figure out how to apply to figure out if I'm compatible with people I meet (cause I find it probable that one more relationship is all I can fit into my time) are
1. friendship potential
2. chemistry (initial)
3. sexual compatibility/sexual chemistry, and how to/if I should consider that at all if the first two aren't present.
4. commute time :rolleyes: ...but dead serious

Wow am I over thinking this or what? It's just that I reactivated my OKC profile so I'd like to be clear about the subject. I think I want some magic answer to the question "How many times should I go on a date with a perfectly nice person when it's not clear if it will end being a good match in the long run?" I suppose I imagine it's different if somebody seems to be a potential friend, and truth is I probably should answer my own question with - once. If they are perfectly nice but I don't sense we'd make good friends, once is enough. Most of my good friends I have hit it off with immediately now that I think about it. I also think I just answered one of my other musings - " I'd like to avoid having sex with people I'm not really excited about." But I'm torn because I think I'm open to see if I could enjoy a FWB where the friendship is the most important part of the relationship, which would probably work out better if I didn't want to get naked within 5 minutes of seeing them. Sigh.
 
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Sometimes (especially on the Fetlife poly forums) I see a lot of pressure for people to embrace total autonomy, and suggestions that you're "less than" if you make requests of or agreements with your partners that stifles 100% freedom. The theory being if you just trust that your partner wont be an asshole, that should be enough.

The reason that doesn't work for me is if a metamour comes over on a hot summer day and drinks my last two diet cokes and Adam doesn't go get more or tell me I should pick up some more on the way home, and I get home looking forward to drinking a tasty cold beverage, and open the fridge to find it empty... I consider that to be inconsiderate asshole behavior, and he would have just thought he was a good host. That sort of thing CAN end up being a big issue (I'm not exactly the most easygoing person, I get pissy when his friends come drink all my diet coke so I can see it being a problem if his girlfriends did too, which means I've clearly stated that if he doesn't make sure i don't run out of soda, he's going to have one grumpy partner.). People think differently, and I think specific agreements about behavior can be good when they aren't too lopsided or about double standards, especially when people have radically different viewpoints and life experience and want to be on the same page. Accomplishing it of course is easier when all involved parties want their poly to look the same.

Both he and I have made some concessions which mean we get more overlap in our comfort levels, but also miss out on some freedom to act as we please. Due to 40 years bachelorhood and the tendency to see everything in shades of grey, he struggles more with B&W agreements (remembering them, applying them). Due to being very literal, I struggle with his regular re-interpretation of agreements because he's convinced that this person or situation is an exception to them. These differences are present in other aspects of our life too, not just around poly.

Priorities are minimizing having big surprises or drama, and because we live together, centered on keeping our day to day interactions running smoothly. Some of them reflect my desire to comfortably share lots of info about what's going on in my life and have it shared back (not personal stuff - where dinner was had, jokes we're told, hobbies shared between metamours, movies recommended by a partner). I like hearing the same back, because even if I don't spend time with a metamour, hearing little bits about their personalities or lives makes me feel like there's a vicarious friendship, and encourages me to support the other relationship.

I like to revisit my agreements with Adam every six months or so to see if anything has changed and if we are still on the same page. They are none of your business, but since sometimes people find it useful or interesting to see what other people do, here they are.


Non negotiable Agreements

Follow the agreed upon safe sex agreements in ours and others relationships. Actively discuss safe sex practices, last STI tests, results and risk factors before becoming sexually involved.

No drug use or kink related activities with new partners without checking in first to see if there are any concerns so we can discuss them before and not after the fact.


Agreements (generally negotiable/not dealbreakers if they happen)

Let each other know if we are going to writing with somebody new if we are in the room at the same time, otherwise mention new interests (from OKC or "real life") sooner than later.

Check with each other before making a specific time/day for first & second dates so we don't schedule something when there are already plans/tentative plans. New people seem more stressful when there's a schedule fuck up around it.

Give each other a heads up before we tell other people we are in love with them or want to have sex with them for the first time.

If the person is local, have at least a passing "hi how you doing? interaction between metamours before a relationship becomes sexual.

Scheduling 2 dates a week with somebody is fine, if we want to see someone more often, bring it up proactively to discuss if we are keeping up our end of the chores/housework/attention to any other existing relationship before committing more time elsewhere.

Schedule 2 days a week to spend together, with one a set date night.


Preferences (that lead to discussion before pursuing anything contrary)

I prefer Adam doesn't date his coworkers, I prefer neither of us date people that are single parents with primary custody, we both prefer we both only date people who have experience being in open or poly relationships, both of us prefer not to get involved with people who are swingers/engage in regular casual sex unless we are clear their safe sex guidelines seem to be strict enough to mitigate most risks of STIs



It doesn't look too copiously long now that I see it in print.
 
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Ah Valentines day.

Yesterday was my regular date night with Brian, and I stayed over (pretty uncommon for various reasons) and had a lovely evening. Tonight is low key stuff with Adam, we're saving "stupid romantic date" stuff for our regular date night tomorrow. Overall I am feeling really happy and content relationship wise though there's a few things going wrong in other aspects of life. Mainly a combination of SIL suddenly announcing she's having a destination wedding somewhere expensive this year that's going to hit our credit card hard & a very important work commitment on Adam's part that conflicts with the date of my far away best friend's (kinda ex) wedding date mean I had to RSVP no to the latter wedding today. He is a wonderful friend but one who isn't particularly understanding. I'm kind of upset about it, I don't like the attitude that I owe it to him or I'm not a good friend, extra grumpy since he didn't come to our wedding (leftover feelings of love/jealousy). Well enough of that, I just talked myself out of my awesome mood!

I started seeing somebody a couple of weeks ago, I'd turned my OKC profile on to copy paste the "about me" crap before shutting it off again, I figured I'd start a new profile in late spring/early summer. Apparently they don't let you turn it off without waiting a week, and several people wrote within a couple days of each other. I ended meeting a couple of them for coffee, and managed to wrap any other conversations up so I could turn the damn profile off again.

I'll probably go on more about this later, after I have a chance to meet his wife and feel comfortable that seeing him is not going to be causing negative ripples. I don't get the impression it will, although I am still a bit nervous as this would be the first time for me to meet an already existing partner before it got past flirting/kissing. Nevertheless before it was a preference for me to meet SO's first, but I've decided it's a must for me now to either meet or correspond in some way before exploring anything.

I feel good about this so far, he has a similar way of doing poly, he says good things about his partners, and he seems very comfortable talking about some of those weird to talk about early on conversations (such as scheduling, limitations, safe sex practices). He was transparent about meeting somebody else at the same time and that it seemed to be working out for him too. I asked about what it meant to start seeing two new people at once on top of his other relationships. He didn't BS but acknowledged the potential pitfalls & was thoughtful about his response. I think we would be friends if there wasn't the potential of dating, and he's fun to talk to.

The potential of me dating somebody else has motivated Adam to want to be more social - his fear has been that if he even meets people he likes that he'll get distracted with new shiny awesome and stop doing the work he's been doing, and stop tending to our relationship/his relationship with himself. I know he is prone to that, and gets one track minded, but I don't get that sense that there's as much of a danger now as there was a year ago.

I've encouraged him to be open to flirtatious friendships if he's not ready to date, and reminded him it IS possible to not start dating somebody the second he meets them. He ended up going to a local poly meetup this week and having fun, he came home very energized and while it wasn't surprising he found attractive people of the fairer sex there, it was surprising that he also had good talks with a couple guys who shared some common interests, who will also be at come upcoming shows/conventions he'll be at too here. Win win!
 
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It looks like seeing this guy I mentioned meeting, Greg - is lasting past a few dates. We spent some time with Adam, they got along well and liked each other. I met his wife and one of her partners and they are pretty cool people too. I have no idea if any friendships will form but I feel satisfied that there aren't any obvious red flags to worry about, and Greg really seems to be a great communicator so I'm hoping if anything springs up we can work it out proactively.

I like guys for all sorts of reasons, some of them odd but... Greg brought up that he noticed Adam and I seem to have different comfort levels around PDAs than he and his wife do (+1 for noticing we have differing ways to do things) and that while we're comfortable kissing people we date hello and goodbye in front of each other, that they keep it to hugs only and he wanted to be clear on that ahead of time (+1 for being proactive) so I wouldn't be surprised at only getting a hug when we all end up in the same place together. (+1 for bringing it up ahead of time, +1 for looking out for everyone's comfort levels).

I actually would've brought that up before I was around them both at the same time because I'd never want to make anybody uncomfortable and know people do things differently but... seriously, I am surprised at how fucking awesome it is to see somebody actively working to make sure things go smoothly for everybody involved, nobody has ever beat me to the punch on something like that before. Hot.

On another note in a week it's going to be my 2 year anniversary with Brian. It feels so different when you generally only see somebody once a week and don't interact with them much via other means in between, just doesn't "seem" like two years. Things are really good with him and the only problem to date is when I wish the relationship was different, instead of accepting what actually is. That's been my struggle dating somebody so different than I am, but when I can keep it out of my head I am really happy. I'm enjoying spending time with him more as time goes by instead of less, and I think our differences have actually taught me a lot about relationships.

My stress level overall is a bit heightened because I've never had more than two partners before, and while I'm pretty sure the main issue may be scheduling (although Greg's availability does not conflict with my other date nights, yay!) I find myself feeling self conscious about the sheer hedonism of it all. I've felt it is totally acceptable to have two partners but think I've have had an vague feeling that if I had three I'd think I was greedy. I'll be curiously watching what happens in my head after this actually means three sexual partners (I'm a slow mover, what can I say) to see if I actually think that.

Lastly, things with Adam have been going really well. He actually notices more often when I'm hitting on him and has been initiating sex more often, so even though I'd still like to take him to bed almost every day of the week ;) I'm pretty content. Before this behavior was ebbing and flowing, but it seems pretty stable now. I'm considering going to see his counselor at some point, but truthfully I haven't felt conflicted about anything for so long I cant think of anything to talk about right now. I'll probably start when he is dating again, as I'm sure we'll have issues with my B&W literal interpretation of our agreements vs his shades of grey interpretation, and having an outside view will help me to stop taking it personally when it happens.

He IS still a bit "restless" now that I'm dating another person and we are making sure to be aware of that. He's been spending a lot of time doing after hours work events that scratch his social itch, he has a very full March where he's out of town for almost half of it, AND he just got a job offer that will keep him busy and engaged mentally once he starts, which always makes him happier.

I'm feeling more confident he'll feel like dating again soon, and while I'm sure there will be road bumps, I think he'll be a bit more capable at managing communication issues and feelings of guilt as they spring up, and not dating just because "you're dating so I should date". I'm very glad he's aware that he can meet his desire for social interaction through other means while he sorts his other stuff out. He'll be doing more poly events solo, and we are going to Norwescon so I'm sure he'll be meeting lots of women and being reminded of the upside to dating (omg I love women!) instead of the downside (omg all the stress! STI talks! Barrier usage!!! communication!!! oh no I screwed up and your feelings are hurt so I must be bad!!!!).

So still pretty non eventful all things considered. Still pretty happy (actually I'm ecstatically sickeningly happy). Just not boring at the moment :)
 
My stress level overall is a bit heightened because I've never had more than two partners before, and while I'm pretty sure the main issue may be scheduling (although Greg's availability does not conflict with my other date nights, yay!) I find myself feeling self conscious about the sheer hedonism of it all. I've felt it is totally acceptable to have two partners but think I've have had an vague feeling that if I had three I'd think I was greedy.

Oh, I know that feeling! I'm out to all my friends, my parents and most of my co-workers, but almost all of them assume that I have 1 BF besides my husband - I tell very few people I'm also seeing someone else, and will tell even fewer people I'm considering adding another FWB. Self conscious about the sheer hedonism, yes that sums it up perfectly.
 
... I am surprised at how fucking awesome it is to see somebody actively working to make sure things go smoothly for everybody involved, nobody has ever beat me to the punch on something like that before. Hot.

Super-Double-Awesome!:D GalaGirl sometimes uses the phrase "Hot Ethics" - which really resonates with me, and seems to apply here. His approach seems to be proactive and practical.

On another note in a week it's going to be my 2 year anniversary with Brian. It feels so different when you generally only see somebody once a week and don't interact with them much via other means in between, just doesn't "seem" like two years.

People have noted that the NRE seems to get stretched out when the interaction is limited (whether by scheduling or distance). On the other hand - it doesn't "seem" like I have been with MrS for 20 years either - in my brain it seems like we just got married a few years ago (maybe this is just because I can't fathom how OLD we have gotten :D.)

I'm enjoying spending time with him more as time goes by instead of less, and I think our differences have actually taught me a lot about relationships.

Good, good. I have little relationship experience (just one really long and happy one :)) and initially had to remind myself that just because MrS and I do stuff one way doesn't mean that there aren't other valid ways to be be together. Dude is NOT MrS and my relationship with him will NOT be the same. The fact that your interest and comfort level continues to grow...good stuff.

I find myself feeling self conscious about the sheer hedonism of it all. I've felt it is totally acceptable to have two partners but think I've have had an vague feeling that if I had three I'd think I was greedy.

Yup, hedonism guilt - I sometimes get struck by the thought that it really isn't fair that I get to be so happy and be with these two great boys and play with fun girls and live this great life...while other people are struggling in their relationships and unhappy or lonely. Like I don't really "deserve" to be this lucky. I then remind myself that I am only responsible for MY relationships, and if everyone is happy then there is NO problem with "letting" myself be happy too. My happy is not stealing from anyone else's happy. Adding a third person (if everyone's needs are getting met and current relationships are being tended) does not "steal" anything from someone else.

I'll be curiously watching what happens in my head after this actually means three sexual partners (I'm a slow mover, what can I say) to see if I actually think that.

Love this! Watching my own brain work stuff out is one of my favorite pasttimes.:p

Lastly, things with Adam have been going really well. ... I'm considering going to see his counselor at some point, but truthfully I haven't felt conflicted about anything for so long I cant think of anything to talk about right now. I'll probably start when he is dating again, as I'm sure we'll have issues with my B&W literal interpretation of our agreements vs his shades of grey interpretation, and having an outside view will help me to stop taking it personally when it happens.

Glad things are going so well, sounds like you know where trouble spots are likely to develop and have an idea has to how these can be handled. (There's YOU being proactive and practical.)


So still pretty non eventful all things considered. Still pretty happy (actually I'm ecstatically sickeningly happy). Just not boring at the moment :)

Actually, it sounds pretty "eventful" at the moment (lots of interesting stuff and possibilities going on)...but what it seems like is "non dramatic" and "low conflict".

JaneQ

PS. Sorry to take up such a long post on your blog - but you had so many positives in there to congratulation you on. ;)
 
Thanks you two, I hadn't really seen other people addressing that before - so while I'm glad I'm not alone it's also too bad that its so easy to feel bad about good things!

And Hot Ethics...that sums it up. I've just never really seen it from anyone in real life before in such great quantities... when that stuff comes out of my mouth to people I always assume they translate it as "wow she over-thinks and talks a lot" :rolleyes: but I feel so much better about myself when I stick to my word and try to make sure everyone's feelings are being considered. But crap... now I'm getting preoccupied thinking about our date next week. :D
 
Weekend

I went to Adam's therapist for the first time early last week. I'd planned on going in a few months to get some advice on communication issues that come up when Adam dates - wasn't in a hurry because I didn't have anything bothering me I could think of to talk about, but ended up grabbing an opening when I saw one. She also had an opening before Adam's appointment Friday too so I scheduled it and we carpooled up for them.

Afterwards we headed off for a couple of errands and then for our date night. It was going amazingly but got a bit tense when he brought up the idea of renegotiating something I mentioned. The issue was that he seemed to be offering to change the agreement as a favor for me, but it turned out he actually wanted the same freedom himself but found it impossible to just straight forwardly bring it up. Nothing new there but sigh...it's hammered out for now but that's just the sort of thing that is hard for me to roll with, and that counseling will help me with. The rest of the evening was very nice, things seem to be coming together for me in a way that is making it easier for me to let things go and not let them ruin an otherwise great day. We went home and watched a romantic comedy (I can only get him to watch those a couple times a year ;) )

Saturday I had a nice leisurely date with Greg, we watched a horrible movie that has my biggest girl crush in it, and had a very good time. Things really feel comfortable with him, I was going to say that its nice, but nice is an understatement. He is also the biggest flirt I've encountered since I was a teenager. Upsides and downsides to it, it does seem to fan the flames of NRE.

I'd already decided to let myself enjoy NRE for the first time in 20 years instead of keeping a tight rein on it like I usually do (not that I don't enjoy those feelings, I just usually wait 4-6 months). I'm also am enjoying being able to tell Adam what I'm feeling as things move along and see how supportive he is, in case I need any reminders down the road of how ideally I should react when HE'S going around getting all giddy next time!

Due to a lack of organization on everyone's part, I didn't end up meeting a new friend Sunday morning, but that made it possible to get a bit of extra sleep and head up to Brian's at noon. It's odd how I worry he and I don't have enough in common to spend a lot of time together even though we've had plenty of 10+ hour dates. Spent a lovely night over, still totally stunned the next day that it's been two years already. Dropped him off at work, did the happy dance that the freeway system here means I am rewarded for carpooling into downtown, though I'd preferred to cuddle the entire day away.

So I had almost the best weekend in the history of my memory. Nevertheless lately I have been suffering with guilt about my good fortune. AnnabelMore had posted a link to a blog post her girlfriend made. It had this gem of a paragraph that really struck home to help combat some of the feelings I've had lately.

"I don’t believe in cosmic justice. I find the concept, while nice to think about, even less plausible than an omnipotent, omnibenevolent magic sky wizard. I cannot balance my privilege and fortune with the needs I see in the world, i can only accept my blessings, both earned and unasked for, live as best i can, and work for a better world. So I try not to ever think about things in terms of deserving. We don’t get what we deserve, we get what we can out of what’s available. I don’t have to deserve my good fortune. I certainly don’t deserve my ill fortune."

I've been wasting time feeling bad for being lucky and loved. How ironic is that? Comparison IS the thief of joy, in both directions, and I'd only thought of that being in terms of those more fortunate, instead of recognizing that I always feel badly for those less lucky than I am - and use it as a reason to feel guilty about being so lucky.

So that was a crazy week, 2 dates with each of my 3 partners. This week I'm back to 1 date apiece with some other plans with people who are not adorable, sexy people I like other than platonically. I'm glad to see that I was able to test my limits for social time and because I'm so comfortable with the people in my life I was not stressed at all. That was my biggest worry with more than 2 partners, so I'm feeling a bit optimistic now.

I'm also feeling really loved and supported. Sniffly and shit too.
 
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I knew that the Happy-ish Stable-ish, Uneventful Poly was going to come to an end at some point, although I didn't expect it to be in the way it did. I figure I'll make this post so I can feel honest with a follow up post about the good things going on.

It's been a stressful month for me, all three of my partners have been having relationship issues, luckily the only one having problems with me is Adam. He lied to me about something, and after some conversation it came out he'd done a lot of things he hadn't disclosed over the last decade. Ironically 95% of the stuff was perfectly fine to do, it's just he's always maintained that it was behavior he would share with me and wanted me to do the same. Most everything the first 8 years had to do with exes - kissing, conversations about dating again or wandering down memory lane (some of them while we were monogamous - still OK if it'd been mentioned, one situation where it wasn't OK for a variety of reasons). Now I don't GET memory lane, cause usually when people break up there's a good reason for it, but I understand other people do. I'm not thrilled about his giving ex-girlfriends a special exception from our agreements about disclosure, but I understand it.

A combination of his seeing the counselor, and probably me dating Greg (though he says its not the case) and his chafing at his self imposed not dating until he figured some stuff out at the counselor accelerated some sneaky behavior/actions and he actually flat out lied to me last month, volunteered unsolicited that he wasn't interested in somebody then soon after telling her "if only x y and z" he would've been flirting up a storm with her. I'd been feeling for a week before it happened that something was off, he said we were fine but I listened to my gut when it was still saying something was wrong and didn't let it drop.

I'm not totally surprised at this stuff, although pretty disappointed. There are a lot of parallels between his behavior and my ex-husband, and I've always thought they had a lot of similar characteristics. What does surprise me is that he was there when we broke up, and saw how much the behaviors hurt me when they came to light, which makes this hurt more now. I do have to say too, that with how his behavior had been ramping up over the last six months, that I wouldn't have been surprised if things had escalated into some form of physical cheating in a year or two. Nevertheless it didn't, and I am trying to deal with what is, although my mind has trouble not "feeling" like I've been cheated on. Being kept in the dark about some things for a decade is shitty enough but I'm trying hard to see it for what it is, not attaching the baggage of past relationships onto it too.

With all that said, I think Adam has had a cold bucket of water splashed in his face. He volunteered all the things he'd ever done that broke our agreements that he could think of (ouch) and seems to be making efforts to fix his shit. I can't say I'm not sad and there will be years of me wondering "Is he off doing something shitty this very moment?" at random intervals, ruining perfectly good days if I let it. We have couples counseling tonight, the first once since this came out, though we've both seen her individually in the interim. I don't really know what to talk about, so I figure I'll let him or her direct things.

Other than that, I want poly to be more happy things to share too, not just more sad things. It seems like days since there's been an all happy day. There's a divorce and relationship transitions happening elsewhere, as well as an upcoming layoff. The two other ladies Greg has been dating for the last couple months are probably the only real relationship high point anybody is having, and even though he's really happy about them and their awesomeness, it doesn't keep his sad times from being sad. Adam loves his new job but its counterbalanced by commutes of up to 90 minutes each way so less time and energy to deal with us. I'm also understandably doubting if I can trust my choices in partners in general and that is affecting things with both Brian and Greg, for different reasons. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the scales will start tipping further into the joy direction soon.
 
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I was thinking of you the other day and realized I was missing your updates. Glad to hear from you.

in the 4 years I've been doing poly, which isn't very long, one thing I've learned it's never uneventful for a long stretch of time. But I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've been having.

rebuilding trust after trust is broken is soooo hard.

And I can so very much relate to this:

Other than that, I want poly to be more happy things to share too, not just more sad things. It seems like days since there's been an all happy day. (...) I'm keeping my fingers crossed the scales will start tipping further into the joy direction soon.

In fact I wrote almost the exact same thing on my blog earlier this week. Wishing you all the best in rediscovering the joy.
 
Thanks Cleo, I've been glad that you seem to be coming out of some transitions yourself, I'm trying to take lessons from you and a couple other people on the forum :)

Now that I've admitted the less then awesome stuff going on, I can make a more positive follow up post.

About a month ago, Greg had said he'd love to meet my ex husband (as ex and I still see each other most weeks and he's an important part of my life -said ex lives somewhat close but it's not really convenient to visit) We've only been together about 4 months so I was wondering if it was too soon, but Adam and I spent a few nights in Vegas about the same time in our relationship, so I tried not to feel weird bringing it up.

Adam and I had also been trying to plan a night away, and he encouraged me to book a 3 night deal I found right by where my ex lives, he'd stay the first night, and Greg could come the next afternoon which has been a regular date day/night so far. I figured I'd stay the last night by myself, but Adam suggested I invite Brian for the third night - I felt even weirder about that since in over two years we haven't spent a night anywhere other than his place or mine, and as he and his girlfriend spend nights at local-ish places sometimes, figured since he'd never brought it up wouldn't be interested, but I let him know what was up and he said he'd be glad to do it.

Also, omg you slutty girl you!

After the unsettling stuff between Adam and I last month, for awhile I wasn't sure about how this was going to pan out, but the last couple of weeks were OK and I wasn't feeling troubled about it. We got into town to the suite - I'd thought it was just attached to a venue where they have weddings and such, but no, it was attached to the house of the owner. That's fine in and of itself but their living room window overlooked the parking slab for the place. It's the only place anywhere close to park too...

So the owner came out and introduced herself to Adam and I. We spent the day wandering around the beach, exploring some quirky stores and whatnot. We had a bit of RELATIONSHIP talk after dinner, didn't get into anything too deep, was just trying to understand some of how he's gotten to where he has since I'm still doing some processing. We stayed up really late watching horrible movies and slept soundly.

The next day - Greg arrives, and we go to take off to meet my ex, owner's husband comes out, asks if we've been enjoying the place so far *gulp* while I nervously cross my fingers his wife won't wander outside and do a double take. We have a nice visit with the ex and his fiancé on the relaxing porch of the beach house they're renting, and later in the evening Greg makes dinner for us, which was lovely (ok the dishes the next day wasn't a joy, but oh well ;)

The third afternoon Brian arrived and he was sweet enough to ask how my body was holding out *blush* We managed to avoid the owners but not their son... we drove around the island, had some nice meals and watched some British comedy together. We spent a chunk of Monday together back in the city too, and managed over 24 hours in each others company.

So all in all a wonderful weekend. If my mind hadn't been so preoccupied with worrying what the owner of the place thought of the rotating car issue, I think it might be about perfect. I loved having three partners who didn't seem to have any problem with it, and it was nice to appreciate spending a solid stretch of time with each of them in succession, and to confirm that they are all quite skillful at cuddling, and nice to wake up next to.
 
Haha, it sounds like an episode of Frasier -- men coming and going, only one of the owners and their family seeing you at any given time...

The day after you leave, all three of them sitting down to breakfast and the woman says, "Oh, wasn't our guest Anneintherain nice? And when I saw her husband get out of that pretty blue car, he reminded me of so-and-so --" The man says, "What? With that red hair? He didn't remind me of so-and-so at all! And the car was green!" The woman says, "Red hair? Are you nuts? He had brown hair and a beard. And I could swear the car was blue." He says, "A beard! Gee, next you'll be saying he was 6'4"!!!" The woman says, "Well, he was rather tall." Then the son pipes up, "What are you two talking about? The guy was short, blonde, had no beard, wore wire-rimmed glasses, and drove up on a Harley!" They look at him and exclaim in unison, "Glasses!!??" Confusion reigns!!!

Poly can be perfect sitcom material!
 
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That sounds like the very best weekend ever. It's one of my fantasies to stay in a beautiful cottage somewhere for a month and have all my loved ones visit me, including dinners with my best friends, sexy times with lovers, etc.

I laughed at your description of worrying about the owners. I once stayed in a little B&B with Curlz, very friendly owners. Not long after that Ren went there with Lou because it was so nice and cheap. We had a good chuckle beforehand that when they would ask him 'how did you hear about us?' he would say: 'oh, my wife was here last month with her boyfriend, and had a really nice stay' :)

well he didn't say that of course, but it was fun to think about.
 
So all in all a wonderful weekend.
Hey Hef ....did you get yourself a silk robe ?


If my mind hadn't been so preoccupied with worrying what the owner of the place thought of the rotating car issue, I think it might be about perfect.

That's not what you told me. I thought you said something about wanting to be removed by the paramedic's for complete pleasure and extreme exhaustion ...and not being able to walk :D "Blanked silly "...something something "with in an inch of your life" ..."rode hard and put away wet" or something like that :D

I loved having three partners who didn't seem to have any problem with it, and it was nice to appreciate spending a solid stretch of time with each of them in succession, and to confirm that they are all quite skillful at cuddling, and nice to wake up next to.

cuddling skills ....Hef are you sure you didn't get a concussion over the weekend:confused: cuddling is a C game activity. A B&B weekend requires A game stuff ....am I right ? :D


This is very very inspiring ......I want to get 3 partners just to do this.

Hey Hef, (Lady Hef ) or Lef.... What do you think about doing this quarterly? ...That seems perfect to me. That's going to be my new goal.
 
:rolleyes: Sheesh DH, no I said I thought I must be doing something wrong because I COULD still walk. And I didn't need to get a silk robe, I made my own robe of course. No please don't call me Homemade Hef now.

One thing it taught me is that I'd enjoy trying two nights away with my non cohabitating partners (no not both at once - I mean not that two at once isn't on my list of omgplzhappensomedaybeforeimtoowrinkly)- a weekend away has been talked about with Greg but I doubt it would come up with Brian unless he brought it up. And this might've been fun but the turnover made things feel a bit rushed. Also all the extra bedding I had to cart around for the occasion *shudder*

On to serious stuff - Adam and I still have processing to do I guess, I suppose I shouldn't expect one month to have sorted it all out. He mentioned a game convention that is going on in a few months. Two women he told me he wasn't interested in, but then told he was interested in, will probably both be there, and a small chance of the third lady who he hoped something would happen with will be there too. I said I'd want to ask about what to expect there in regards to his interactions with them. I hoped he'd be sensitive to my stress about him seeing people he'd lied to me about, but he just said he wouldn't go out with them one on one but of course he wasn't going to miss group events or after hours parties if they happened to be going.

Work trips are a trigger for me, my Dad slept with what I'm pretty sure was hundreds of women on his work trips. My first husband cheated on me on a yearly work related trip and had been making plans for the next years event and seeing her again when he told me he had cheated. Adam met one of these women here but has interacted with both of them at conventions (as well as third party he was hoping something would happen with) and seems to romanticize the whole "im on a trip, this person is attractive, I want something to happen though of course nothing would happen". This upcoming convention happens to be local, but with all the information about his sneaky stuff so fresh, I'm feeling a bit raw. He says "I'm not even thinking like that" but since I didn't have any idea he was for almost a decade, its not so reassuring. None of these ladies did anything wrong, and I don't mind him seeing them, but I'm unhappy at his surprise that its a touchy subject, and I wish he was a bit more sensitive to how I might feel about it.

This seems so vague without a couple details since I left my longer spiel about it all out, but two of them are monogamous, no dating people without non-monogamy experience (or at least a clear handle on how it would work for them) is other hard agreement we have besides safe sex stuff, the other is poly but lives on the other side of the country and its not financially feasible to have long distance relationships At least now he's been able to explain why he pursued them after agreeing that he had no plans to, I am actually feeling somewhat better about things as he's been dropping the defensive and actually articulating what was going on in his head for several hard questions, thank God.
 
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Well this week could be going better - I was having a nice date with Brian when he found out his other partner's parent had died, so we finished dinner and he went to go support them. next day I was getting ready to go see Greg when he got news that one of his partners was headed to the ER, luckily it didn't end up being a worst case scenario but it was a very stressful evening. I'm a bit scared to go out with Adam tonight -that whole bad news comes in three thing. I'd really love it if I weren't a bit superstitious, but I've certainly seen bad news come in three often enough. It doesn't help that I've never felt like I'm good at comforting people - I can listen and be there, but I don't think I'm good at saying things to make people feel reassured, or hopeful - so my stress levels rise the longer that I'm sitting there feeling impotent at making things better. I should probably get a book on it.

Things with Greg are going well, I love him, he's awesome, but the amount of stress that has been going on in his life since we started dating 4 months ago is phenomenal, and he's a emotional projector (as am I), and I'm overflowing with sensitive empathy, and it's just not the best combination. It makes it hard to deal with new stress situations when they come up since I am neck deep as it is. I don't want to even think about what would've happened if his partner hadn't been OK, I'm not sure how well equipped I would've been to deal with it. Life is asking more of this new relationship than I expected, but I am trying to rise to the challenge.

ok, enough downsides

I've always wanted my partners to be friends with Adam if possible, and Adam and Greg are having lunch every week or two. It's interesting them having an independent relationship, finding out by a casual "Greg and I are having lunch tomorrow". I always pictured these husband/partner relationships would be killing zombies and talking about inconsequential man shit (unless I was dating a girl which might mean talking about gender neutral stuff and/or getting naked), but nope, they both have heavy shit going on in their relationships, and actually talk about it sometimes. I don't think they are going to become BFF but this is enough to make me happy, and I sure wish to have that sort of relationship with my metamours.

I'm excited about this but the one downside is that means I shouldn't really talk to Adam about issues I'm having with Greg, or Greg with issues I'm having with Adam. I'm such a talker that it's going to be hard, but it wouldn't be fair to put them in the middle. They both have a pretty good idea about all the serious problems we are all going through so at least I don't feel I have to keep much to myself, but it's going to be a new skill to learn.

The three of us are going to go bowling together tomorrow too, if that goes OK, maybe I'll suggest Greg invite one of his other partners and/their partners...Adam loves bowling and being social so I'm trying hard to step out of my introverted shell and make social opportunities possible, but while my stress levels are high I'm preferring very small group events over larger ones.

It's very nice to watch Adam change for the better too. Working hard to suppress any desire for him to HURRY UP so he will start dating again so I don't feel like it's imbalanced. Right now his weekly hobbies disappeared with his job change, so with me going from one date a week to three, it means he's spending a lot more time by himself which he's never really loved. Ironically now that he's opened up about the things he was keeping from me, his perspective has shifted so he no longer feels its imbalanced and is focusing on the fact he's not able to be a great partner to others until he's one for himself. Things are looking promising if they keep up this way, and I'm glad because none of the problems we had came from him DATING.

Brian is still super awesome too, I'm sure there might be some upcoming stress due to our different communication styles when he's taking a more active roll in seeking new partners which is rolling around here soon, but at least after two years I know what a loving kind wonderful person he is, and should be able to roll with things and not assume negative intent to his actions.

Yeah this post was all over the place, kinda reflecting the state of my mind :rolleyes:
 
Bowling went well and I wasn't too nervous - I keep forgetting that that Adam and Greg have been hanging out a bit independently of me, and that was odd, since they don't sit around and tell me what they chat about - that means I don't have to play "hostess" so much. It's been getting close to a decade since I've been in a three person social situation as the hinge of a V that didn't just involve a hello and goodbye hug & kiss. It was more than nice, I got to snuggle a bit against both of them while I waited for my turn, get hugs, smooches (God did I just say smooches? gag) and lovely smiles from both of them. I appreciate this so much as it helps set a positive precedent for me being in the position of a leg instead of a hinge at social events, something which I'm a bit rusty at, but I think I'll want to be refining that skill when it comes to Greg's other partners. I'm an outsider in a lot of ways when it comes to him and his partners, I might write about that at some point but I'm not in any hurry to ....

Greg stayed the night, and it was fun (and even a bit annoying) to watch them exchange geeky debating about Star Trek while we got our dinner plated. A bit of our date was derailed as I got emotional and had to work through some worries about us that stemmed from trust issues with Adam, and my ex, and my Dad.... seriously not my idea of being a good date, but it was nice to be held and have my hair stroked and be loved while I cried. Odd to have that comfort level with somebody after just several months.

I spent some time last week with my sister and while I was updating about my relationships she said she didn't understand poly but accepted me for it. That was probably a chance to ask her more about that but I didn't, since I just thought she "got it". She's known I was poly for a decade so I didn't have any clarifying questions ready in my head. That's good because I bet I would've tried to grill her on what it is she doesn't understand it and try to explain it until I thought she did "get it" That'd annoy the fuck outta her :)

Even I am having trouble wrapping my mind around Adam's comfort with the new dynamic. This is where it really shows that Adam has 25 years of poly experience - although we have work to do on communication (which I do believe will much easier once he figures out what he wants and how to negotiate and advocate for his wants instead of just agreeing to my "reasonable" suggestions) he seems totally OK with the big recent changes in my availability and the increased amount of time Greg is spending in our shared space. I got to revisit the fact that he's had live in partners in the past who also had three partners, and had to schedule like crazy to make time for everybody. I'd just really not been sure it was really OK since 1 date a week to 3 seems like a giant leap, but I think I've been reassured enough that I'm stupid if I don't just accept it.

I'm working on checking in and making sure I'm giving Adam what he needs in time and love and attention - he's asking for what he needs and wants time wise which is a BIG FUCKING DEAL for him, he's always just said everything I want is "fine" so it's a relief for him to identify something he wants and ask for it.
 
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