Dating While Married: How do you do it?

NerfHerder

Member
First a little perspective: I was never very confident dating when I was single - in the seven years I've been with my wife, my confidence has greatly increased, but I still don't really "get" dating. Also, our situation is a little weird (well, maybe not weird, but hard for people to believe sometimes) in that my wife particularly wants me to find a girlfriend (I do too, but she's actually been the one motivating and sort of prodding me to date).

I've made a profile on OKCupid, and most people either read my message wherein I state that I'm married and never visit or go to my profile, take one look at my 'yes, I'm married, my wife is <link to her profile>' and never respond.

It seems like (from looking at the stories I see here and have heard from talking to people on other messagers) that women will give a man a chance if he lies and claims he's single (and they find out later), but if he says he's married, they won't give him a second glance. I've never done that, though - it's not how I work - my wife says that I am honest to a fault (probably true, but I'd rather keep everything above-board so that issues are dealt with now and not later when feelings will *really* get hurt.

When it comes to people in "real life" it seems that the women I am most interested in are ones that I just can't seem to figure out how to break it to them that I am actually available, despite the fact that I'm married...

I am probably rambling at this point, but the bottom line is that I feel ridiculously frustrated with how difficult it is to get people to even talk to me and I have no idea what to do if I *do* get them to talk to me!

So... any thoughts, suggestions or experiences? I'd settle for a little commiseration!

Thanks ( =
 
I am new to to the forum, but I would suggest trying a poly dating site. Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general. From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it. I think that starting there you may have a better chance of finding a partner that is on the same page as you are. I would maybe google a couple of sites, I know I read about a few but I can't find them at the moment, if I but them then i post it for ya. I hope that helps :)
Kt
 
I am new to to the forum, but I would suggest trying a poly dating site. Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general. From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it. I think that starting there you may have a better chance of finding a partner that is on the same page as you are. I would maybe google a couple of sites, I know I read about a few but I can't find them at the moment, if I but them then i post it for ya. I hope that helps :)
Kt

I have tried Poly Matchmaker as well and that just seems like there's no one on it. There seems to be a grand total of three people on it within 50 miles of me. I would definitely appreciate some suggestions if you find them though! Thanks ( =
 
I still think OKC is great since you can keyword poly or whatever you want in your profile - including any of your interests like skiing, latin music, stamp collecting, or whatever you're interested in, so people looking for activity partners can find others with the same interests. That's also a good way to meet people that may end up having gf potential, if you're up for the friends first route too.

I met both my husband and my boyfriend on OKC. I'd never give a guy a second chance for a date if they were married or co-habituating with a partner and didn't tell me before we met (and we'd exchanged more than a few messages), so I think that's the right way to go - maybe I'd have a different view on that if I were operating as a single woman. Lots of women (perhaps in particular who have dealt with being cheated on) are going to have a problem with a new acquaintance coming off as less than 100% honest.

Wouldn't take it too hard at all if people visit your profile and don't message you - I mean, there's hundreds of reasons I'd decide somebody wasn't right for me to get to know after clicking on their profile, plenty of people have clicked on mine and not wanted to write to me - I decided to change mine to anonymous browsing, that way I have no clue who visits me so I don't have to think about it :rolleyes:
 
How do you know your marital status is the reason people move on? It should be obvious from the fact that you show up as "Available" that there's someone else in the picture, so anyone looking for singles only isn't going to deliberately click through to begin with.

I met all three(!) of my men through OkCupid, and two of them are married (although not to each other). If I'd only found out after meeting them I probably wouldn't have wanted to see them again. If I'd found out after becoming intimate I certainly wouldn't.
 
"When it comes to people in "real life" it seems that the women I am most interested in are ones that I just can't seem to figure out how to break it to them that I am actually available, despite the fact that I'm married..."

I would focus on this angle, online dating is great, but always more of a crapshoot. "Break it to them" makes it sound like you'd be telling them bad news! Could it be that you have the wrong attitude about it? People respond very differently based on how present something. What is it that really keeps you from trying with one of these women? What if your wife initiated -- "Fyi, hubby and I have an open marriage and he's too shy to let you know he likes you. ;)"
 
Last edited:
Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general.
Not true. They allow couples to have profiles and it is a very popular site for polyamorists and all kinds of non-monogamous folk.
- - - - - -


OP, it is always much harder for poly men to find women, for some reason. It could take months or even a year before you meet someone, so just be patient.

However, I am curious about this statement you made
. . . our situation is a little weird (well, maybe not weird, but hard for people to believe sometimes) in that my wife particularly wants me to find a girlfriend (I do too, but she's actually been the one motivating and sort of prodding me to date).

What's the deal with that? It sounds like you're just looking for an additional relationship to appease your wife. You may tell yourself you want to find someone, but if she has to prod you, it sounds like your heart isn't in it or you lack confidence. If you don't really want to pursue someone else, don't. Potentials might be picking up on your ambivalence. If your wife wants things equal, that is unrealistic - it ain't a race. Let relationships develop for each of you in your own time, and don't try to force anything on yourself that you're not really ready for.
 
Wow, thanks for all the responses. I really hate that I can't spend time on this site from work... I was able to spend a little time working on my OKCupid profile though, so that's got to be worth something! (can't actually go to the site, but I had my wife email me my questions/answers so I could refine them.)

How do you know your marital status is the reason people move on? It should be obvious from the fact that you show up as "Available" that there's someone else in the picture, so anyone looking for singles only isn't going to deliberately click through to begin with.

I suppose I don't know for sure, it could be one of my myriad flaws that drive them away. *tease* I've found that those people I explicitly message that I am married do not click through to my profile, and those I do not state it will click through to my profile and then not respond. You're correct in that it is stated, but a) I don't believe everyone's so observant and b) it's possible they click through to see what 'available' means. It's been observed many times on here that people seem more comfortable with cheating than poly.

I would focus on this angle, online dating is great, but always more of a crapshoot. "Break it to them" makes it sound like you'd be telling them bad news! Could it be that you have the wrong attitude about it? People respond very differently based on how present something. What is it that really keeps you from trying with one of these women? What if your wife initiated -- "Fyi, hubby and I have an open marriage and he's too shy to let you know he likes you. ;)"

Haha, you're right, I certainly didn't mean it in that light, I was thinking more along the lines of 'break the ice' than 'break bad news'. I don't think it's really so much that I consider it telling them a bad thing, but instead that they're new neighbors (one of my best friends is an absolute saint and rented his house out to four female grad students, and one of them has particularly been a lot of fun to talk to and hang out with) so I am wary of how she (and by extension, the whole house) will react. I definately am with you that having my wife initiate may be the best way... we're finding more things in common that she'll have more opportunity to have a conversation like that. Several of our neighbors already know we're poly and looking, but not these ones~

What's the deal with that? It sounds like you're just looking for an additional relationship to appease your wife. You may tell yourself you want to find someone, but if she has to prod you, it sounds like your heart isn't in it or you lack confidence. If you don't really want to pursue someone else, don't. Potentials might be picking up on your ambivalence. If your wife wants things equal, that is unrealistic - it ain't a race. Let relationships develop for each of you in your own time, and don't try to force anything on yourself that you're not really ready for.

Wow, I can definitely see how it could be read like that, but it's certainly not how I meant it. I've been (over the years we've talked about it) a little reluctant to go looking precisely because she does not have someone (nor is she looking very hard - she says I'm enough for men and is really only interested in adding a woman) but I do not want to be the one pushing her to let me get a girlfriend. She also knows I'm the type of person who tends to do everything I can to give her and my kids what they want and sometime skip out on things I need to do it. Therefore she's pushing me, but only in a good way. I occasionally need a push, and I definitely want another relationship.

I may lack confidence to some degree, but that's another aspect entirely. My capacity for speaking with people, opposite sex especially, has grown leaps and bounds since I've been with my wife, but in some ways I have almost no experience dating - my wife and girlfriend before her were met online and long-distance... learning to read what people are thinking and expecting in person is a very different experience.

I'm learning, and enjoying the experience (I have met one person on OKCupid I went on a couple dates with, but we didn't really click) but I still learning.

I've had my account up on OKC for two months now and only gotten the one response. I suppose it says something that I then met her and went on a couple dates, but... it's still frustrating to not even get a response from most people.

But... I'm pretty happy with what I pulled together as an update to my OKC profile, so we'll see if that helps... maybe I should try the personal's section here also? Hrm...

Thanks for all the thoughts, keep them coming! At very least it's helped me get it off my chest and feel like I'm not so unusual afterall. ( =
 
Wow, I can definitely see how it could be read like that, but it's certainly not how I meant it. I've been (over the years we've talked about it) a little reluctant to go looking precisely because she does not have someone (nor is she looking very hard - she says I'm enough for men and is really only interested in adding a woman) but I do not want to be the one pushing her to let me get a girlfriend. She also knows I'm the type of person who tends to do everything I can to give her and my kids what they want and sometime skip out on things I need to do it. Therefore she's pushing me, but only in a good way. I occasionally need a push, and I definitely want another relationship.
Oh, okay. That's good - thanks for clarifying. We have seen instances where where some people push their partners into poly just so that they themselves don't feel guilty or like it all has to be equal at all times, which is obviously unrealistic and not a good place to start off with a new person who would rather be pursued out of real interest, of course. Glad to know that's not the case with you.

I've had my account up on OKC for two months now and only gotten the one response. I suppose it says something that I then met her and went on a couple dates, but... it's still frustrating to not even get a response from most people.

Oh, that's no time at all. Be patient. Also consider the fact that you put it online in the summertime - people go away, take a break. Things may ramp up for you in the fall.
 
Hello, I am kinda coming back from the dead here after a long hiatus from this site, but not the poly lifestyle.

I am married. I am very much poly, my wife is supportive of me, but not really looking for anything past friends. I totally feel your pain.

I am currently off OKC, but when I was there I was always upfront about my situation within the first messages exchanged. I can't be ok with leading anyone on. I love women, and feel like a good portion of the male population treats them poorly anyway, so I refuse to jump on that wagon. I am not only enabling a gender stereotype, but also possibly turning some poor girls first exposure to poly into something that leaves a really bad taste in her mouth.

OKC is the ONLY place I have had any luck with anything. I have dated both openly poly women and women that were not poly, but though enough of me to date and explore accepting it.

I have sent out about 4 bajillion messages. I have got a handful back. Few mean words, mostly no thank yous or chatter than burns out fast.

I can't remember how I worded my profile. I listed as "available" (And don't assume that tells the story, people don't notice there is "single" AND "available"), mentioned I was looking for new connections and open to seeing where things go, and in the "most private thing I am willing to admit" box, wrote that I have a deep interest in poly and open relationships. its a good primer. If people find the concept icky, they can stop right there, and if that doesn't phase or intrigues them, we can chat and expand on the topic.

Blatantly putting out there that your married is blunt honesty, but will likely deep six any chatter before it begins. Its more likely someone will consider accepting you if you have had the opportunity to catch their attention via a few well written messages first.

I am ALWAYS open to friends when they decline, and have a handful of friends to show for that. :)
 
From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it.

I don't think it's always about fear or judgment, and sometimes not about lack of understanding, either.

From the start, I have seen the inherent problems with polyamory, particularly for a single person dating a married one. My bf, from the start, who has been living this way for years and understands poly quite well, has told me upfront that it's become an issue for him every single time as these single women start off thinking they'll be okay with it, fall in love, and then, surprise, struggle to accept that he's got a wife and is never going to be any more to them than a guy who sweet talks them but can't ultimately give them anything more.

After a year in, I feel I, too, have a decent enough understanding of poly, and I'm happy enough with the 'part-time boyfriend' deal for many reasons related to my current life...but my situation isn't typical.

The average single woman on a dating site is usually not looking for a half-time boyfriend, one who often can't include her in vacations or holidays, one whose wife in theory could nix the relationship any time and whose wife may be defining the boundaries of their relationship; one who perhaps does not want their relationship acknowledged if he's still in the closet; one she has a hard time explaining to family and friends; one who may not be able to be there if she has a need, because he's on a date or vacation with his wife; one who cannot follow the normal course to engagement, marriage, children. People in general do not go on dating sites looking for a relationship that will be limited from the very start.

It's not fear, judgment, or lack of understanding to not want to date a married man. It's a very clear understanding of the very real problems that are inherent to dating a married man, no matter how much his wife knows and accepts. It's understanding one's own wants and needs from a relationship, and wisely discerning that a married man does not meet that criteria. This is valid and reasonable and should not be discounted as fear, judgment, or lack of understanding.

A person should not be faulted or dismissed as fearful, judgmental, or not understanding, for exercising their prerogative NOT to date a married man. :(
 
Excellent post, Whathappened. I could not agree much more.

I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.

I hold out hope that there are a few girls out there that have been married and would never want that again / value their independence too much to want to be tied down in a traditional relationship / are wired poly and want a secondary ect.

It never hurts to ask but always hurts to push...
 
I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.

and a lot of guys too, for that matter. Can't count the number of OKC messages I've gotten from single guys looking for their 'soulmate to share everything with' (and yes, it is clearly stated on my profile that I am already in a relationship with three other men).

I have a couple of friends (single, looking for a monogamous relationship) who are active on dating sites, and they seem to have just as much, or even more, problems in finding nice people to date, as I did when I started out 'dating while married'. So I'm not even sure anymore that it's the poly-thing that makes things difficult.

Just yesterday, I got a nice message from a guy who has the same taste in music as I do. He is listed as single, and hasn't answered any questions about open relationships. I replied, and asked: so what do you think about the poly-part of my profile? and he replies that he is interested in it, and that btw, he has a girlfriend and she deosn't know he's on OKC. So, I'm glad he's honest about it in the first message, and say byebye.

So this was a case of someone actually attracted to my profile because I am married.. thinking that would mean I wouldn't mind the fact that he is cheating or thinking about cheating.
Not what I'm looking for obviously, but I guess my point is that there are SO many people on dating sites, it just takes a ton of time and patience and careful wording of your profile and only messaging people whose profile you are really drawn to, to make it work. Married or single, that goes foreveryone trying out the online dating pool.
 
Excellent post, Whathappened. I could not agree much more.

I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.

I hold out hope that there are a few girls out there that have been married and would never want that again / value their independence too much to want to be tied down in a traditional relationship / are wired poly and want a secondary ect.

It never hurts to ask but always hurts to push...

Yes, exactly. For some people, the situation works. I'm happy with this 'half-time boyfriend' thing for some of the reasons you mention, and for others. At another time in my life, I may find this totally unacceptable, and it will have nothing to do with fear, ignorance, or lack of understanding. It simply is not going to be right for most people.
 
Most of the people on OKC that are a high match% for me are poly or ok with open relationships because I've made it a high priority in my questions answered. I've been lucky to have a strong poly community locally where I can meet people, but I've also met a few through OKC.

When I message people I comment in a way that makes it clear I've actually read their profile. My wife puts in her profile that she'll respond to anyone that sends her a link to a webcomic, and very few do. Also, for photos, I make a point of using ones in which I'm doing something I enjoy, not just standing and smiling for the camera. It seems to help.

When I was more actively using OKC (too busy trying to see the people I'm already dating now), I found I could message people for a couple months and rarely hear anything back, then get messages from several people and have dates with 3 different people set up. It doesn't always make sense, just work on your profile, answer questions, post good photos, and message at least a couple people per day that genuinely interest you.

Outside of that, you may actually get better results simply going out and doing what you enjoy and seeing who you meet along the way, maybe trying meetup.com. Also, see if you can find any local poly meetup groups.
 
Back
Top