tealheron11
New member
Hi All,
First of all I want to say a huge thanks for the people who are on here and are so supportive of me, and of each other. I browse on here a lot, and learn so much from your posts. It makes me think and reflect a great deal about my own experiences, and has been so valuable!
I am writing this post to see if anyone else has ever experienced this, and if anyone has any insight on what I'm feeling - like for example, is it normal or something that happens. I think if it was a mono thing, i would be like "yes, this is normal!" But because i'm in new territory here I'm not sure if I should trust my feelings (if they are just brain chemicals freaking out), or process more and talk more with others.
A few of you probably remember me from a few pretty intense posts of late, especially the last one last week. I recently moved from my old location to a new one. I am married and have had one other serious partner. The serious partner also moved, across the country. Husband isn't with me at the moment either, which also complicates things. He stayed behind, although he plans to move up here, though not in with me. He wants to live alone. We are not in a hierarchical relationship.
My other partner and I really love(d) each other (I hesitate to make anything past tense because it is still so real and because we still say it to each other). He entered into this dynamic unsure, having never been with a poly person before or done anything like this. He considers himself mono (although in my opinion, he is more monogamish on the spectrum). I feel like he made some boundaries in his head about where our relationship could go, at the same time, we went with the flow. It got serious and was wonderful. I did not want to date anyone else, and really fell into it with him. We were monogamous with each other sexually for about the last 8 months or so. I'm going to be explicit here, so I hope that's okay. I got an IUD so we could be fluid bonded. Not sure if that added to the closeness or the intensity of my feelings or what. When the countdown of his departure began (he is in the military) we had more serious talks. I knew he would date other people. He really, really, really wants to get married and "settle down." I knew this in the beginning, but it seemed like it changed, and he didn't talk about it, because he was enjoying our time together, which is fair enough. I even talked to him about getting a job near him and trying to live near him. While he liked the idea, he also was emphatic that he did not want me to move across the country just for him. He wanted me to make choices that are good for me, and didn't want me to change my whole life for him, because there are no guarantees. Also, me being married.. he felt like it would be "unfair" if I moved and we continued as we were, because of that factor. I totally got it. We also talked about "what if I wasn't married" and he said if I got divorced for him and it didn't work out, it would be terrible. What I took from that is that he doesn't want me to change everything for him, he is afraid of the no guarantees thing (which makes sense) and I think he is a little scared of how serious that would be. Like, up until now, it's been this amazing thing with no expectations and no "relationship escalator" shit. The reality of that makes it more serious and probably ruins it in his mind. Also I am not sure if he could see me as a "life partner" forever, in his mind, although he's never said that and has always said he will always love me and we will always be close.
For all intents and purposes, we are still in a love relationship without the physical/in person romantic stuff, but the connection is still there, and that is what he has said. it is almost like we are doing emotional poly. We talked yesterday about dating because I wanted to make sure it was okay with him if I went on a date. He is totally cool with this, and told me that he wants us to be open with each other, although he said I don't have to share everything if I don't want to, and he's probably not going to tell me everything although he will tell me important things. Fair enough. He just wants me to find happiness, and I want that for him. Selfishly, I want him though. This would be so much easier if we were both poly!!! And I knew my place wasn't going to get "demoted" somehow, if that makes sense. I feel like even if I was going to be a clear secondary or a comet, I would be okay with that, but I fear the pitfalls of traditional relationship expectations and being pushed out. I am also afraid for him, I am worried he is going to settle for someone because he wants so badly to be married, and that he will wind up unhappy. He has had some traumatic relationships in the past, and has a tendency to be taken advantage of by women. I hesitate to tell him this, but if patterns emerge in his relationships I certainly would bring it up.
To try and wrap this up, here's where I am going with this... I would literally flip my life upside down for this man. I know it has "only" been a year, and there's probably still NRE all over the place. But he fulfills me in so many ways, that I could potentially give up everything... poly...my marriage...and that side of the family..for him. This is so scary. I feel irresponsible and guilty admitting this, scared to say it to his face, afraid it would scare him away. I know I should give it time and see what happens with us being apart, and I hope that helps me sort things out. I have no desire whatsoever to date, but he does, and that worries me. My mono programming is screaming "if he wanted you as much as you wanted him, he wouldn't be dating! he'd want you!" But logically, i know that's not true... and he's being respectful of everything, and sees the boundaries differently. I was never a marriage option, he went into it knowing that, and that is still where is brain is. I guess I need time to really sit with this. I want to tell him this, but in person. I hope I get the chance to. I have never explicitly said this to him, but have implied it in "hypothetical" talks. It's scary to be to be this vulnerable and risk being rejected. I also have a feeling he would feel awful if he felt like he came between my husband and I and "broke" up a marriage, even though that isn't what this is like exactly.
I would love some insight on this. Especially if anyone has experience with this. Also, I should age our ages... he is 29, I am 36. So emotionally, we are in slightly different places. Also, my baby clock is ticking and going crazy. My husband both cannot physically have children (prior surgeries due to cancer) and does not want children of his own. He doesn't even want to adopt. Partner does want a child. I feel like we both want the same things. I have said that too, in some of our talks.
Whew, that was long winded but felt really good to get out in one place.
First of all I want to say a huge thanks for the people who are on here and are so supportive of me, and of each other. I browse on here a lot, and learn so much from your posts. It makes me think and reflect a great deal about my own experiences, and has been so valuable!
I am writing this post to see if anyone else has ever experienced this, and if anyone has any insight on what I'm feeling - like for example, is it normal or something that happens. I think if it was a mono thing, i would be like "yes, this is normal!" But because i'm in new territory here I'm not sure if I should trust my feelings (if they are just brain chemicals freaking out), or process more and talk more with others.
A few of you probably remember me from a few pretty intense posts of late, especially the last one last week. I recently moved from my old location to a new one. I am married and have had one other serious partner. The serious partner also moved, across the country. Husband isn't with me at the moment either, which also complicates things. He stayed behind, although he plans to move up here, though not in with me. He wants to live alone. We are not in a hierarchical relationship.
My other partner and I really love(d) each other (I hesitate to make anything past tense because it is still so real and because we still say it to each other). He entered into this dynamic unsure, having never been with a poly person before or done anything like this. He considers himself mono (although in my opinion, he is more monogamish on the spectrum). I feel like he made some boundaries in his head about where our relationship could go, at the same time, we went with the flow. It got serious and was wonderful. I did not want to date anyone else, and really fell into it with him. We were monogamous with each other sexually for about the last 8 months or so. I'm going to be explicit here, so I hope that's okay. I got an IUD so we could be fluid bonded. Not sure if that added to the closeness or the intensity of my feelings or what. When the countdown of his departure began (he is in the military) we had more serious talks. I knew he would date other people. He really, really, really wants to get married and "settle down." I knew this in the beginning, but it seemed like it changed, and he didn't talk about it, because he was enjoying our time together, which is fair enough. I even talked to him about getting a job near him and trying to live near him. While he liked the idea, he also was emphatic that he did not want me to move across the country just for him. He wanted me to make choices that are good for me, and didn't want me to change my whole life for him, because there are no guarantees. Also, me being married.. he felt like it would be "unfair" if I moved and we continued as we were, because of that factor. I totally got it. We also talked about "what if I wasn't married" and he said if I got divorced for him and it didn't work out, it would be terrible. What I took from that is that he doesn't want me to change everything for him, he is afraid of the no guarantees thing (which makes sense) and I think he is a little scared of how serious that would be. Like, up until now, it's been this amazing thing with no expectations and no "relationship escalator" shit. The reality of that makes it more serious and probably ruins it in his mind. Also I am not sure if he could see me as a "life partner" forever, in his mind, although he's never said that and has always said he will always love me and we will always be close.
For all intents and purposes, we are still in a love relationship without the physical/in person romantic stuff, but the connection is still there, and that is what he has said. it is almost like we are doing emotional poly. We talked yesterday about dating because I wanted to make sure it was okay with him if I went on a date. He is totally cool with this, and told me that he wants us to be open with each other, although he said I don't have to share everything if I don't want to, and he's probably not going to tell me everything although he will tell me important things. Fair enough. He just wants me to find happiness, and I want that for him. Selfishly, I want him though. This would be so much easier if we were both poly!!! And I knew my place wasn't going to get "demoted" somehow, if that makes sense. I feel like even if I was going to be a clear secondary or a comet, I would be okay with that, but I fear the pitfalls of traditional relationship expectations and being pushed out. I am also afraid for him, I am worried he is going to settle for someone because he wants so badly to be married, and that he will wind up unhappy. He has had some traumatic relationships in the past, and has a tendency to be taken advantage of by women. I hesitate to tell him this, but if patterns emerge in his relationships I certainly would bring it up.
To try and wrap this up, here's where I am going with this... I would literally flip my life upside down for this man. I know it has "only" been a year, and there's probably still NRE all over the place. But he fulfills me in so many ways, that I could potentially give up everything... poly...my marriage...and that side of the family..for him. This is so scary. I feel irresponsible and guilty admitting this, scared to say it to his face, afraid it would scare him away. I know I should give it time and see what happens with us being apart, and I hope that helps me sort things out. I have no desire whatsoever to date, but he does, and that worries me. My mono programming is screaming "if he wanted you as much as you wanted him, he wouldn't be dating! he'd want you!" But logically, i know that's not true... and he's being respectful of everything, and sees the boundaries differently. I was never a marriage option, he went into it knowing that, and that is still where is brain is. I guess I need time to really sit with this. I want to tell him this, but in person. I hope I get the chance to. I have never explicitly said this to him, but have implied it in "hypothetical" talks. It's scary to be to be this vulnerable and risk being rejected. I also have a feeling he would feel awful if he felt like he came between my husband and I and "broke" up a marriage, even though that isn't what this is like exactly.
I would love some insight on this. Especially if anyone has experience with this. Also, I should age our ages... he is 29, I am 36. So emotionally, we are in slightly different places. Also, my baby clock is ticking and going crazy. My husband both cannot physically have children (prior surgeries due to cancer) and does not want children of his own. He doesn't even want to adopt. Partner does want a child. I feel like we both want the same things. I have said that too, in some of our talks.
Whew, that was long winded but felt really good to get out in one place.