Relationship grieving process? Or not?

tealheron11

New member
Hi All,
First of all I want to say a huge thanks for the people who are on here and are so supportive of me, and of each other. I browse on here a lot, and learn so much from your posts. It makes me think and reflect a great deal about my own experiences, and has been so valuable!

I am writing this post to see if anyone else has ever experienced this, and if anyone has any insight on what I'm feeling - like for example, is it normal or something that happens. I think if it was a mono thing, i would be like "yes, this is normal!" But because i'm in new territory here I'm not sure if I should trust my feelings (if they are just brain chemicals freaking out), or process more and talk more with others.

A few of you probably remember me from a few pretty intense posts of late, especially the last one last week. I recently moved from my old location to a new one. I am married and have had one other serious partner. The serious partner also moved, across the country. Husband isn't with me at the moment either, which also complicates things. He stayed behind, although he plans to move up here, though not in with me. He wants to live alone. We are not in a hierarchical relationship.

My other partner and I really love(d) each other (I hesitate to make anything past tense because it is still so real and because we still say it to each other). He entered into this dynamic unsure, having never been with a poly person before or done anything like this. He considers himself mono (although in my opinion, he is more monogamish on the spectrum). I feel like he made some boundaries in his head about where our relationship could go, at the same time, we went with the flow. It got serious and was wonderful. I did not want to date anyone else, and really fell into it with him. We were monogamous with each other sexually for about the last 8 months or so. I'm going to be explicit here, so I hope that's okay. I got an IUD so we could be fluid bonded. Not sure if that added to the closeness or the intensity of my feelings or what. When the countdown of his departure began (he is in the military) we had more serious talks. I knew he would date other people. He really, really, really wants to get married and "settle down." I knew this in the beginning, but it seemed like it changed, and he didn't talk about it, because he was enjoying our time together, which is fair enough. I even talked to him about getting a job near him and trying to live near him. While he liked the idea, he also was emphatic that he did not want me to move across the country just for him. He wanted me to make choices that are good for me, and didn't want me to change my whole life for him, because there are no guarantees. Also, me being married.. he felt like it would be "unfair" if I moved and we continued as we were, because of that factor. I totally got it. We also talked about "what if I wasn't married" and he said if I got divorced for him and it didn't work out, it would be terrible. What I took from that is that he doesn't want me to change everything for him, he is afraid of the no guarantees thing (which makes sense) and I think he is a little scared of how serious that would be. Like, up until now, it's been this amazing thing with no expectations and no "relationship escalator" shit. The reality of that makes it more serious and probably ruins it in his mind. Also I am not sure if he could see me as a "life partner" forever, in his mind, although he's never said that and has always said he will always love me and we will always be close.

For all intents and purposes, we are still in a love relationship without the physical/in person romantic stuff, but the connection is still there, and that is what he has said. it is almost like we are doing emotional poly. We talked yesterday about dating because I wanted to make sure it was okay with him if I went on a date. He is totally cool with this, and told me that he wants us to be open with each other, although he said I don't have to share everything if I don't want to, and he's probably not going to tell me everything although he will tell me important things. Fair enough. He just wants me to find happiness, and I want that for him. Selfishly, I want him though. This would be so much easier if we were both poly!!! And I knew my place wasn't going to get "demoted" somehow, if that makes sense. I feel like even if I was going to be a clear secondary or a comet, I would be okay with that, but I fear the pitfalls of traditional relationship expectations and being pushed out. I am also afraid for him, I am worried he is going to settle for someone because he wants so badly to be married, and that he will wind up unhappy. He has had some traumatic relationships in the past, and has a tendency to be taken advantage of by women. I hesitate to tell him this, but if patterns emerge in his relationships I certainly would bring it up.

To try and wrap this up, here's where I am going with this... I would literally flip my life upside down for this man. I know it has "only" been a year, and there's probably still NRE all over the place. But he fulfills me in so many ways, that I could potentially give up everything... poly...my marriage...and that side of the family..for him. This is so scary. I feel irresponsible and guilty admitting this, scared to say it to his face, afraid it would scare him away. I know I should give it time and see what happens with us being apart, and I hope that helps me sort things out. I have no desire whatsoever to date, but he does, and that worries me. My mono programming is screaming "if he wanted you as much as you wanted him, he wouldn't be dating! he'd want you!" But logically, i know that's not true... and he's being respectful of everything, and sees the boundaries differently. I was never a marriage option, he went into it knowing that, and that is still where is brain is. I guess I need time to really sit with this. I want to tell him this, but in person. I hope I get the chance to. I have never explicitly said this to him, but have implied it in "hypothetical" talks. It's scary to be to be this vulnerable and risk being rejected. I also have a feeling he would feel awful if he felt like he came between my husband and I and "broke" up a marriage, even though that isn't what this is like exactly.

I would love some insight on this. Especially if anyone has experience with this. Also, I should age our ages... he is 29, I am 36. So emotionally, we are in slightly different places. Also, my baby clock is ticking and going crazy. My husband both cannot physically have children (prior surgeries due to cancer) and does not want children of his own. He doesn't even want to adopt. Partner does want a child. I feel like we both want the same things. I have said that too, in some of our talks.

Whew, that was long winded but felt really good to get out in one place.
 
I hope you feel better for airing out some. I don't know if this helps you any.

Honestly? I think you could be more decisive. Could decide to clean up your relationships in order.

You don't sound all that happy or compatible with husband. Esp if you really want kids and he doesn't. And he doesn't want to live together and it sounds like you do want a nesting partner eventually. I seem to recall in a previous post you said husband would understand and amicably divorce if that's what you wanted. That seems like a lackadaisical way to be married. What's in this marriage for you? Are you happy here? :confused:

I would suggest you really think about this over the next week or two. But not think FOREVER. Make a firm decision by X date. Then get on with a peaceful divorce if you are not happy here and you and husband want different things in life. If you guys aren't all that compatible or all that passionate about each other... why be married? Esp since it gets in the way of you pursuing other relationships that DO light you up more?

I also don't think this "going around in circles" thing with the BF is good for either one of you. It's like you talk but never actually disclose. Stop "hinting." Speak plain instead. Cannot sit on the fence forever.

You making changes in your life would be doing it for YOU, not the BF. To give YOU the better chance in YOUR life for better relationships than a lukewarm sounding marriage and a neither here nor there BF.

If it doesn't pan out with this one BF, you can be ok with that, and tell BF you are willing to take the risk. YOU are in the driver's seat of your life trajectory.

If it were me? I would break up with husband, declare my intentions with BF, and do the LDR thing with BF to see if it pans out for more or not. If it does? Wonderful. If it doesn't? I have made the changes I need so I can welcome more happiness into my life.

  • The lukewarm marriage thing is cleared up.
  • The "neither here nor there" BF thing is cleared up and a decision can be made after a year or so of LDR.
  • I have gained clarity and made room in my life for things that light me up rather than things that are causing me to go in circles in my head.

I want passion and brio in my life. Not a series of "kinda meh" or "kinda maybe sorta."

It's scary to be to be this vulnerable and risk being rejected.

I get that it is scary. But being vulnerable doesn't get comfortable without practice. How else would you get good at it?:confused:

I fear the pitfalls of traditional relationship expectations and being pushed out. I am also afraid for him, I am worried he is going to settle for someone because he wants so badly to be married, and that he will wind up unhappy.

I wonder if that what you did? You settled for DH because you so badly wanted to be married? And wound up unhappy? :confused:

And that's why you are "pre-worrying" the same stuff for BF -- when he hasn't asked you to do his emotional management for him?

Why do all these "talks" with BF if you aren't going to actually put all your cards on the table and actually communicate? Either have authentic conversations and state clearly what you would like to happen in the near future. Or stop having all these "hypothetical talks" that go nowhere and accept it isn't going to go anywhere. So YOU at least can move forward in your life. No more of this "sitting on the fence" thing.

Because sitting on the fence is neither here nor there, and you seem to really want some clarity.

So go MAKE your own clarity. Put the cards on the table with both husband and BF. Risk being more authentic with your people. That is my suggestion. Sort what needs to be sorted.

This is so scary. I feel irresponsible and guilty admitting this, scared to say it to his face, afraid it would scare him away.

If being authentic and real with him "scares him away?" Good. You want compatible people, right? Not incompatible ones you have to shrink yourself around or walk on eggshells around. You aren't being rude or mean by being authentic you. You are just being authentic you. It's ok to take up the space you do in the world.

I know I should give it time and see what happens with us being apart, and I hope that helps me sort things out.

That's fine. Could tell BF you intend to divorce spouse, would like to do LDR for a year or so with BF, and see where it might go. This recent move and career change and living on your own could be opportunity to take stock of your life and plump for a fresh start.

If you are a very fearful person? You may have to work on that. Because feeding the fears just spins more fears. You overcome fear by feeling fear, doing it anyway, and finding out whatever it was? You could handle it after all. Then the fear can be laid to rest.

Confidence is grown by DOING. It doesn't fall out of the sky.

Become firm of purpose, and then align your behaviors toward that purpose. Whether it pans out or not with the BF? At least the confusion part it over and at least you are TRYING to aim for things you want most in life rather than spinning your wheels.

HTH,
Galagirl
 
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Hi Teal,

It sounds like in your heart what you wish you could do is divorce your husband, move across the country to live with your other partner, marry him and have (at least one) kid/s with him. Technically there is nothing stopping you from doing that, but would he do his part, e.g., would he want to marry you? Also, if I remember right, you moved recently in order to start a new job, a really good job. Wouldn't you have to give that up if you moved across the country? Is that part of what you'd be willing to do? Would you be glad you made that choice? If so, then your next step is to ask your (other) partner if he'd be willing to marry you. You'll never know what his answer is if you don't ask.

You may want to divorce your husband in any case, simply because you want (a) kid/s and he does not. Are you very close to your husband? or have the two of you grown apart?

Are you happy? Important question.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Galagirl,
Thanks for that articulate and poignant post. You are absolutely correct that I can be more decisive and I am doing this foggy decision making - mostly because I don't want to make the wrong decision (not that that is an excuse). It is a huge life decision and I don't take it lightly - but really, it isn't like the type of marriage I wanted at this point. It isn't the fault of poly, it is more a collection of things, mostly that he has changed a lot including his values, and we are on different paths.

As for BF, I have thought about all those things. I just don't want to lose him but being seemingly confrontational. I know, I know - if it scares him off, it isn't right anyway, and I will be better off with someone else. These are conversations I wish we could have in person, and unfortunately that isn't possible now. It's so much easier to read people's reactions and bodily responses in person and I wish I had that luxury. I wish I would have been more explicit with him about "possibilities" before we parted ways, but again, I was afraid. This is a pattern of mine, being scared to be authentic and share my feelings because ultimately i am afraid the other person will run and I will lose them. i have had many past situations where I had crushes on friends and this same kind of thing happened.

This whole thing makes me question poly as a relationship orientation for me. I was listening to a podcast yesterday where they stated "some people are poly, and some people do poly." Perhaps I thought I was the former, but I'm really the latter. I am not sure what kind of poly i envisioned for myself, but it's shifting. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm 100% monogamous, and I like being open. I kind of enjoy the idea of BF being with other women sexually/romantically, however, what scares me is him finding someone wonderful and "replacing" me. I think this is because I feel that my husband "replaced" me with his GF. If I am still poly, i really do need a solid primary relationship. I think this is what would work for me.
 
I don't want to make the wrong decision

Wrong for what? Or who?

It is a huge life decision and I don't take it lightly - but really, it isn't like the type of marriage I wanted at this point. It isn't the fault of poly, it is more a collection of things, mostly that he has changed a lot including his values, and we are on different paths.

No. Not a thing to take lightly. But you actually seem pretty clear on the fact that this is not what you want from marriage. So could get on to untangling that part of your life at least. Reduce your sads.

I suppose you could date your husband even if you divorce if you both want that.

But then "already being married" isn't blocking you from marrying someone else who is more in alignment with your idea of marriage and your values for marriage.

This is a pattern of mine, being scared to be authentic and share my feelings because ultimately i am afraid the other person will run and I will lose them. i have had many past situations where I had crushes on friends and this same kind of thing happened.

If this keeps happening... I wonder if it might be the other way around? Like... "I lost past crushes because I was unwilling to be authentic and be fully present." Could that be happening now? You keep holding back and not really fully being "in it" with the BF?

I guess other than the fearfulness thing, this could be another thing to work on.

What is horrible about "losing them?" That you have to deal with feelings of loss? You miss them? Something else? I'm not being dismissive here. I'm just saying... examine it and whatever feelings. What part is the part that makes you think "I cannot handle that" or makes you feel triggered?

What's so horrible about authentic you that you think it would cause people to run away? People are compatible or not.

If you are "hiding" authentic you and it leads to this angst/fear stuff later because you aren't sure if the people like YOU you or the pretend you? How's that behavior serving you any better than just being authentic in the first place even though doing that is scary at the start? You are going to pay a price of admission either in back or on up front. You pretty much pick which way.

To me it sounds like paying it up front and learning to conquer the scary over time would be beneficial.

Where always hiding authentic you just keeps you trapped in the fear over time. You get to skip the initial scary, but then there's all this angst and going in circles and neither here nor there. That's a bigger emotional price tag to me.

You say you wish that you had been more explicit with him about "possibilities" before parting ways.

Well, instead of waiting for the "ideal" time or conditions, I think you could get on with disbanding the marriage since you are clear on that part at least.

And then talk to the BF for real even if it is scary -- letter, email, phone etc. And not wait for the "ideal" of "in person" because you already keep postponing and missing opportunities.

That's what I mean about sitting on the fence. You cannot postpone participating in your life forever watching everything go by and then feeling sad you missed out on it. You only get the one life.

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm 100% monogamous, and I like being open.

So on the one end, you would be up for something "monogamish" but sometimes Open.

If I am still poly, i really do need a solid primary relationship. I think this is what would work for me.

And on the other end, you want primary-secondary poly.

It's not the husband as primary because this is not the marriage you want.

You could move on to talk to BF to see if it is him or not. If not, you could move on to finding the person who is. He's a different person than your husband.

It's not great that your husband replaced you with his GF. Be kinder to just end the marriage clean with you than him be so "meh" or "whatever" about it.

But your BF is not your husband. If he finds another partner, he may not replace you. But say he does... what will you do? Keep floating along as you have been? Or YOU decide to bow out when maintaining the relationship no longer serves you well?

Kinda like... be the captain of your own ship. You might not know where you are going yet but you know what you do NOT way. You are the one doing the steering and holding the paddle. You have options you can explore.

Rather than being like a leaf in a river. Tossed and turned wherever the current goes. No paddle, no steering.

Galagirl
 
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This is a pattern of mine, being scared to be authentic and share my feelings because ultimately i am afraid the other person will run and I will lose them. i have had many past situations where I had crushes on friends and this same kind of thing happened.

This whole thing makes me question poly as a relationship orientation for me. I was listening to a podcast yesterday where they stated "some people are poly, and some people do poly." Perhaps I thought I was the former, but I'm really the latter.

Regarding the latter quote (bolded above)... I am also "in" a polyamorous relationship situation myself, yet do not identify as strictly polyamorous. Rather, I am "doing poly" right now. Given another set of circumstances and partner/s, I may well be happy being totally monogamous once again.

I can understand why you're questioning your orientation - or "polyness" - at this time, Teal. You're currently in the midst of many major life changes, including a move across country, a new job, separating (physical location wise) from your husband AND boyfriend, all at the same time. You sound like you're a little lost and confused about what and who you really want out of life.

I'm not sure this means you're not inherently poly, but rather that you're finding your recent experiences of poly haven't exactly met your expectations or served you well, emotionally, as you might've hoped.

You appear to have some fear of abandonment. Not necessarily being "left" in a physical sense, although that too... but emotional abandonment.

In the past, you opened yourself up to people you liked/loved and they didn't respond in the way you wanted. To some extent this includes your current husband, who you feel "replaced" or "deprioritised" your relationship once he fell in love with his girlfriend. Not only that, but now the boyfriend who insisted he was mono and deeply in love with you has started seeing other people only a week or so after you parted ways, which has you feeling perplexed and ill-at-ease.

When we speak of anxiety, we often divide our worries and insecurities into "rational fears" and "irrational fears". What you're dealing with right now falls squarely into the rational, I believe. You are literally experiencing some of your fears playing out for real... and you're not sure what choices to make in response.

What I hear you saying is - not so much that you are not really poly - but that no matter what relationship model you eventually choose - you have a need to feel like you're someone else's priority. You wish to have a relationship with someone who puts YOU first; who considers the relationship to be essential rather than optional; who shares the majority of your needs, desires and aspirations in life.

I don't think it's too late to find what you seek in a partnership... however it may not be with either of the men you're currently involved with. If you want to get all metaphysical about it... the recent moves (yours and your bf's) may be the universe's way of forcing you to think deeply about HOW you really wish to live, i.e. how you want to structure your life and relationships, and in whom you want to invest time and energy.

But in order to do this, you will have to make definitive CHOICES that lead you closer to what you really seek. At the moment, it seems like you and bf are both "half in; half out" of the relationship. You and husband, likewise. While as what it sounds like you need and want is at least one "whole" relationship.
 
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Lunabunny, you put that all out there so well. You really captured how I am feeling. A lot of what you said has also put into words what I am feeling but didn't really think about - for example, the half in, half out thing. Husband and I were like this for a while, and BF never really was "mine" (hate that word, but for lack of a better one). This is still what's going on. The fear of abandonment is clear of day. And like you said, I am "living" out my fears. I have literally been "abandoned" by both of them (though not necessarily intentionally or fully by choice - BF had to go where military says).

So, I am coming up with a plan and this is what I have done so far, to update everyone.
1.) I talked with husband about divorcing. Just got it out there. Told him I know he wants to live alone and do solo poly, and that us being legally "attached" might make it harder for me to find what I want - a live in partner. Whether or not they are poly. I want to live with someone. He also doesn't believe in marriage now, which has nothing to do with me (this is something we talked about). He thinks it's fine when there's a reason for it because society does that to us, but he doesn't think it makes a relationship more legit. The talk went really well. We didn't necessarily plan anything or say "we will do this by X time" but we discussed that this was okay with both of us, we still love each other and still want to be in each other's lives because we will always be family.

2.) I asked BF if I could come visit him in November when I have a 4 day weekend. I was afraid to ask if I could visit "already" because we hadn't made plans to see each other yet/again, it wasn't discussed and I didn't want to freak him out. He agreed it would be okay for me to come, and he wants me to. I am going to really talk to him about everything at that point IN PERSON like how I really want to. Plus, the 6 weeks or so before now and then gives me more time to think about everything and how to put it out there.If he turns me down and "rejects" me, at least I tried my best and made my best effort. I am going to ask if we can do long distance for a short amount of time, 6-months to a year, while I give my new job time and energy and try and find a job by him. I am also going to tell him I am okay with being non-monogamous until then if that works best for him. For what it's worth, his love language is touch, and I think he requires physical contact, both sexually and other, in order to feel emotionally fulfilled. This is the biggest barrier between us, because emotionally/mentally everything is still 100% the same with us.

The risk in this is that he could meet someone he really likes before November and get into a relationship, but I can't let that get into my head. I'm just going to do my best, really ponder on this, and figure out what it is I want to say to him. I know if I don't at least try this, I would regret it forever. And I plan on telling him that, too. If he doesn't respond positively, at least I tried. it will hurt, but then I can move on. It is really important for me to do this in person, I can imagine people are thinking "why fly across the country for this" but I need to be near him, see him, touch him, if I'm going to put my heart on the line, LOL.

Thanks for listening and for all the amazing support.
 
Teal, I'm glad what I said was helpful/accurate.

I think your plan is a sound one overall.

1.) I talked with husband about divorcing... The talk went really well. We didn't necessarily plan anything or say "we will do this by X time" but we discussed that this was okay with both of us, we still love each other and still want to be in each other's lives because we will always be family.

I'm glad to hear the talk went well and that your husband was open to the idea of divorcing amicably at some point, and didn't get all hurt or defensive.

This is pretty much how my situation with Red went down. We separately amicably... after originally living apart for work-related reasons, and both developing emotional bonds with others. We still love each other non-romantically and get on well, which is helpful since we have children together.

2.) I asked BF if I could come visit him in November... I am going to really talk to him about everything at that point IN PERSON... If he turns me down and "rejects" me, at least I tried my best and made my best effort.

The risk in this is that he could meet someone he really likes before November and get into a relationship, but I can't let that get into my head... If he doesn't respond positively, at least I tried. it will hurt, but then I can move on.

It is really important for me to do this in person, I can imagine people are thinking "why fly across the country for this" but I need to be near him, see him, touch him, if I'm going to put my heart on the line, LOL.

I agree that having such a serious talk is best done in person.

That said, considering HOW important the outcome of this future conversation is to you, and that your relationship with your boyfriend is kind of "up in the air" and he is seeing others... it might be wise to at least give him somewhat of a heads-up that you're planning on discussing important relationship stuff (in a "good" way), so that he doesn't just think "well, it's over... I might as well see who else is out there".

I'm not suggesting you tell him NOT to date others until November, but if he has some idea you're thinking about making a more serious commitment, or have something vital to discuss, it might lessen the chance of him allowing himself to get to that point with another person in the interim.
 
Sounds like you have a plan then.

The only thing might be to give BF a heads up that you have this plan and would like to talk in person with him in more detail in Nov.

Even just a few sentences like these...

"I have talked to husband about a divorce. I want to ask if you and I can do long distance for a short amount of time, 6-months to a year, while I give my new job time and energy and try and find a job closer to you. I am okay with being non-monogamous until then if that works best for you. I am not sure how the details will be, but I know I want changes in my life and I need to start making them. Would you be up for talking more details in the Nov visit? About how much or how little you want to be a part of my future plans?"

Then he too gets the 6 weeks to think and reflect and it is not coming from nowhere to him. Cuz you get 6 weeks to reflect. It's fair for him to get same.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Luna and Gala,
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions. I want to let him know too (give a heads up) but also don't want to scare him. The reason why I seem to "walk on eggshells" so to speak is he has had some trauma and drama in past relationships that I think sometimes gets in the way - although last serious talk we have he was relieved when we talked because he was worried I was going to propose to him or something (a past gf did that).

I feel relieved I have a plan, I just need to figure how how and what I am going to say. Knowing we'll see each other in over a month is a huge relief. If we could make the long distance thing work, I think it's reasonable to expect we would see each other about this often, and I think that would be okay with me.
 
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions. I want to let him know too (give a heads up) but also don't want to scare him.

I think the green is your side of the job. You aren't out to do anything mean to him or anything scary to him. This is just talking.

Handling the blue is his side of the job -- he is the one in charge of his emotional management. You could focus on you doing your side and let him do his side.

The reason why I seem to "walk on eggshells" so to speak is he has had some trauma and drama in past relationships that I think sometimes gets in the way

So if he never gets to practice having non-drama, how's he supposed to grow confident in this area? Besides, you are not those people. You are not a past relationship. You are a current relationship.

although last serious talk we have he was relieved when we talked because he was worried I was going to propose to him or something (a past gf did that).

I think BOTH of you could focus on that. Whatever the past GFs have done? In the relationship between (you and him)? Talking HELPS. So talk.

I feel relieved I have a plan, I just need to figure how how and what I am going to say. Knowing we'll see each other in over a month is a huge relief.

Look at all the relief you feel when you are DECISIVE rather than waffling or walking on eggshells.

Could continue to move things forward and just put it out there. If you are worried about it coming out clunky, say so.

"Our last talk went well. I want us both to remember that so we both get more confident just speaking plain. I'm also not out to stress you out or scare you. I want you to remember that. Forgive me if this comes out clunky.

So here's what is going on with me... I have talked to husband about a divorce. I want to give my new job time and energy. I want to ask if you and I can do long distance for a short amount of time, 6-months to a year.

If we could make the long distance thing work, I think it's reasonable to expect we would see each other about this often (once a month). I think that would be okay with me. Would that be ok with you?

If the LDR thing goes well, then we can talk again if we want to keep it that way for another 6-12 mos or if I need to look to move closer to you or what. Does that sound reasonable?

I know I want changes in my life. Would you be up for talking more at the Nov visit? About how much or how little you want to be a part of my future plans and what it is you might be wanting? Then we have this time ahead of the visit to reflect and get thoughts in order."​

Or similar. It's not a novel, but paints enough of a picture so he knows what he's supposed to be considering and reflecting on.

Galagirl
 
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I haven't been on this site in months and have a lot to add to my story, if anyone cares to read. I am not sure what motivated me to come write this today... perhaps new insecurities and/or revelations? I do browse the site periodically but haven't felt compelled to engage until recently.

I posted on here over two months ago wondering what to do ... feeling like I had one foot in my poly marriage and one foot in this other relationship which didn't seem to have a future since that partner doesn't identify as poly. I planned a trip to go see said mono partner and discuss things. Meanwhile, unsure of what was going to happen in my marriage.

Being alone in my new apartment, in a new city, with a new job, after having lived with a partner (husband) for 7 plus years, and having friends around, and then the new partner for a year, was incredibly hard but also eye opening. It gave me an opportunity to be lonely and figure out what I really want. I went to visit mono guy in mid November and had the dreaded talk... This was after a month before, he admitted to me he wished I had come (moved there), and that he hadn't told me not to move there just for him. I immediately started looking at jobs and applied for jobs near him following this conversation, just for kicks. Went in Nov, had a great visit, had a great talk. It wasn't like a "yeah, we're gonna be forever now" thing. It was "let's see how things work out, I'm open to this" thing. Since then, I have had a ton of interviews, and may have a new job lined up. Still in the process with it. He knows all about it and seems happy. When I am there with him and we are spending time together, it's normal and fun and wonderful. I was there in mid Nov and I just went again this past weekend. I might go back end of December, too. Suddenly we have planned visits, the possibility of a future living closer together, maybe even more. He even mentioned living together which I didn't expect at all! It is reassuring but also scary.. he admitted the other week he is scared of it not working out. I was glad he admitted this and was honest. I too, am scared... scared of him changing his mind, scared of him finding someone else. He's still on tinder, whenever he updates his profile or does something on there, it really hurts me. I'm on there too, but not to meet people. I was before, but I haven't in months. I need to talk with him about it. I don't want an open relationship with him... at least not yet/now. I feel like my open marriage experience kind of "ruined" poly for me, at least for right now. I still plan on getting divorced, even though I do care about and love my husband and don't have negative feelings towards him. We want different things. I also cannot bear the thought of sharing a life with my meta. I do not hate her as a human, but seeing how needy she is towards him, and how she puts him above her own family (she has 3 children) it just doesn't seem right. I know I shouldn't be judging, but it really bothers me. Even though I am quite in love with my partner, I still find myself being bothered or annoyed by how often they see each other (it's like every day since I moved), my dog spends the night at her house with her family...it's like she stole my life. My friends all "warned" me when they heard things about her in the beginning, and it's like the worst case scenario happened!!! And I believe this is why I am so insecure towards my other partner... I am afraid of being replaced again. it's not the idea of poly or actual real women he might like that scare me, it's feeling not good enough AGAIN.

Had this huge insight today about all the above after being "triggered" (hate using this word like this, but lack of other choices) by partner doing something on his tinder profile. It hit me that my jealousy and insecurity held towards his female friends had nothing to do with them personally. It was being channeled at them because everything is a comparison game to me now. It will probably take a long time for me to sort through this, and I don't expect my partner to fix it or heal me. I've got to work on myself. I plan to talk with him again, seriously, about what we are the our future, sometime soon. In the meantime, I am working on taking care of myself.. meditating (slowing down my reactivity) exercising, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, making myself happy with "little" things and showing myself self love.

Appreciate you guys here. Dawned on me I might be open to poly again with this partner or someone else in the future, but would do it wayyyy differently next time. Still have so much resentment towards how things turned out. But trying to move forward and not have hate in my heart.
 
Thanks for the update.

Sounds like things keep moving forward in a better way for you bit by bit.

It hit me that my jealousy and insecurity held towards his female friends had nothing to do with them personally. It was being channeled at them because everything is a comparison game to me now. It will probably take a long time for me to sort through this, and I don't expect my partner to fix it or heal me. I've got to work on myself. I plan to talk with him again, seriously, about what we are the our future, sometime soon. In the meantime, I am working on taking care of myself.. meditating (slowing down my reactivity) exercising, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, making myself happy with "little" things and showing myself self love.

Good for you! :)

Galagirl
 
Hi teal,

Thanks for posting that update. Sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your husband, what with all the dysfunctional behavior by his partner (your meta). It sounds like you're gradually working things out with your new partner, that's good to hear. Not that everything is worked out! just that you're developing some prospects and coming to some realizations. I hope if you do try poly again, that it will be a more positive experience.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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