Vicki's Journey

I guess it's been a long time since I posted here.

The mental illness certainly hasn't gone away. The stress of the divorce, poor health, and losing nearly all of my income and stability have changed me into a different person. I feel like the cloud that hides just a little bit over my shoulder most days will become permanent. Yes, there is medication and yes there is a counselor... but nothing keeps that cloud away for long.

Henry and I are still together. Jennifer and I had our relationship evolve slowly into more of a close friendship and become less romantic. Not without some tears, but we are still in each other's lives and fairly close.

My divorce became final nearly three years after this whole mess started- last month. I got screwed. Whoever says that women with children always win forgets that massive income disparity can create some pretty shitty imbalances.

Henry also suffers from some pretty substantial mental illness as well as physical disabilities. We're quite the pair so far, aren't we?

I don't know how I would have made it through all this without him. He's seen me at my worst, and that's pretty bad.

I love him and appreciate him more than I could ever say. I asked him to marry me, in a big public embarrassing proposal with a photographer to capture his reaction. He cried.

We're still going to be poly. But we're going to commit to each other. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I shared these thoughts on another thread in reply to a comment


"Honestly in this day and age there is no real need for marriage beyond protecting assets."


See, now this I don't agree with. It's all in how you view it. I'm still a hopeless romantic and I believe that marriage means that you are promising to commit to someone forever, through the rough times and the smooth. The legal stuff? To me, that's the gravy. And I say that as a recent divorcee of a ten year marriage.

My divorce was ugly but I can't shake the idealism. I think there is something to be said for making that commitment to want to be with someone for that length of time; not just as long as it's convenient or things are good or whatnot. And absolutely, you can feel that way without being married, but to me, it just feels different. To make that promise in front of the people who care about you- it's just a ritual, but I believe it's full of meaning.

The last thing I want is to slag other people's way of life; but I have interacted with a lot of people who identify as solo poly and I know that the way that at least these particular people practice isn't a lifestyle I can embrace. It's pretty much the opposite of what I want. I want to have someone who is always on my side, even when they don't agree with me. I want a partner to build a life with together because we are better when we share our resources. I think that people give up too easily on relationships nowadays; when a new person is only a swipe away, why bother to stick it out and fix the problems? I feel that the pendulum has swung too far from people never getting divorced, to people breaking up over nothing. And I feel when you've really got some skin in the game that it motivates you to work harder to solve your problems and make it work together. No relationship is ever going to be perfect.

At the same time, I want us both to still have the freedom to interact and connect with other people in whatever way we choose within the boundaries that we've negotiated. I don't believe love has to be exclusionary, and that we should be able to pursue love or sex or play or whatever combination of those that makes us happy.

I don't think that those have to be mutually exclusive concepts. Yes, I'm aware that we are actively pursuing a hierarchy, as no other relationship will receive equal benefits legally. I'm okay with that; I don't feel that I have enough resources to devote to another primary level relationship, frankly- and my partner feels the same. It's not merely a question of emotions even when you're dating monogamously- I've seen that over and over. It's what you are willing to put into a relationship. So I don't consider myself to be open to another relationship of the level where uneven legal issues is even a concern. And as long as I'm clear in my communication with any potential partner where those limits lie, I don't think I'm being unethical in any way. Different types of connections don't have to be "less", in my opinion. They're just different.

To be honest though I was taken aback by the commentary on how "anti-poly" it is for two single poly people to get married and to plan to continue being poly. Not necessarily here, but in general.
 
I'm starting to feel like journaling might be therapeutic for me at this point in my life, and I'm torn between the options of continuing here on this thread knowing that no one will ever read back from the beginning and respond, starting a new thread, or perhaps going back to Livejournal like I did fifteen years ago. Is that platform even a thing anymore? I used to have friends and their blog posts would appear on my dashboard and vice versa. Then I at least knew I was being heard and was getting some feedback. I don't know. The writing is mostly for myself but it's always good to have some feedback from people outside your immediate circumstances.

There's been a lot of drama in my life over the past few years. I guess I'll try and summarize things a little while I'm still sorting out how I want to journal.
 
I somewhat remember your story from when you were journaling here before, and honestly I'm always surprised that more people read than I think are.
 
Please do summarize for us newer members :)
I guess a new thread is an option.
 
Thanks, it is nice to know that people are reading!

I don't know- maybe I should start a new thread. I can't imagine anyone reading all the way back and there have been so many changes to my life. On the other hand, it's nice to know all this stuff is still here and convenient to locate if I do need it. I'll have to mull over that.

@Tinwen, I'll write up a summary before I move on! Thanks for letting me know that it would be a useful thing. :)
 
Part One

I kinda feel like I'm reducing my life to a can of Campbell's condensed soup. But hey, I like Campbell's soup :)

So... I met my first husband when I was 18 years old, and we got married in 2005. Traditional, monogamous marriage. We had no idea that we could agree to be nonmonogamous, as bizarre as that sounds. A few years in, he told me that he knew I would never be happy being only with him because our sexual needs were different, and that he planned to look the other way because he loved me. (Side note- I never, ever cheated on him). He travelled approximately 6 months a year, and it was hard to be apart so much.

It took us to 2012 to realize that we could actually agree to open the marriage and that was okay. Amazing how these institutions gave us tunnel vision! We officially opened then, although he chose to remain monogamous. We considered ourselves a hotwife couple, if anyone's familiar with the term. It was a huge boost to our marriage. We both felt like honeymooners again- loads of sex, what we called ORE (old relationship energy), love and passion.

Of course, despite all the agreements we made, we continued making mistakes. We failed to realize that you can't legislate feelings. I fell in love with one of my sex partners, and he told me that he loved me, too. That was a disaster. Not only was my husband unhappy with the idea that I loved someone else, but neither of us had really done any research into how poly relationships work. I was unprepared for the intensity of my feelings for the new partner, P, and I had no idea what I was entitled to ask for in the relationship we had. While my husband and I did eventually agree that I could keep seeing P, it took its toll because P kept stringing me along and I eventually found out that he was lying to me about being in an open marriage and that he refused to tell his other partners about me. I only got occasional snippets of his time, and as the "extra", my husband told me that he didn't think I should be asking for anything more anyway. It took me a long time to get over that "relationship" and realize that wasn't what I wanted, and I eventually ended it.

Over this time period I had started learning more about kink and BDSM, and realized that I wanted to explore it further. My husband supported my explorations and even came out to a couple of munches with me despite identifying himself as vanilla. I started to look for partners to explore D/s with. I had a few relationships over the years and learned more about myself and what I want from life, and how to have a healthy poly relationship.

My husband started travelling even more, and we started to drift. He met another woman when he was in a foreign country and fell for her. I didn't hear anything about the situation until late 2014 when he announced he was leaving. That was really hard on kiddo who rarely gets to see him anymore because of the distance.

I was lucky enough to have two wonderful partners I was seeing at the time, and both of them were so supportive. I don't know how I would have managed without them. During this time, my health suffered to the point that I am no longer able to work, and I found myself diagnosed with several mental health conditions as well.
 
I apparently forgot to continue the summary! So here is the a capsule of the rest.

Part Two:

So Mark left the picture, although the divorce became very ugly and did a lot of damage both to me and kiddo. Mark admitted to doing it on purpose, which is a wonderful thing when you've spent nearly 14 years of your life with someone.

Henry and I grew closer. He was there for me and supported me through my life collapsing. Six months later, he lost his apartment and brought up us moving in together since our current long distance arrangement was feeling strained and untenable. We realized that we were either going to have to take this step or we would wind up breaking up, so we decided to go for it, with much trepidation.

Despite us being seemingly incompatible in many ways, Henry and I learned that we are good life partners together. We both have our foibles and issues, but we're willing to work on them together. He and kiddo get along so well, and as time passes kiddo starts to call him Dad since Mark is almost entirely out of the picture.

In the meantime, my relationship with my female partner starts to evolve into more of an intimate friendship. I am sad about the transition but happy that we are still a part of each other's lives.

Henry and I write a list of our agreements with respect to BDSM, sex, and polyamory. Obviously these are subject to further negotiation when other people are involved, but it's good that we have discussed and clarified our own boundaries with each other.

We mostly find ourselves exploring polysexuality rather than polyamory. Due to health and parenting and just trying to keep our heads above water, we find it's easier and we both still enjoy it. Sometimes on our own, sometimes together.

Three years later, I finally get divorced. I somehow find myself asking Henry to marry me, and he says yes. We have a 24/7 D/s relationship that waxes and wanes depending how our health is going since we both have chronic illnesses. We have an amazing sex life, when we both have the energy for it.

We've been functionally mono for the past year or so since life has been so busy with the getting married and whatnot. Now that things have settled down a bit, I find myself thinking a bit more about making new connections. Not really sure where that is going.
 
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