New trinogamous relationship

I have been following this since the beginning, and it reminds me of the few crappy relationships i had (ageist warning - cover your eyes if the truth hurts them) WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE that i stayed in because the sex was pretty awesome and i thought i'd never have such great sex with anyone else. These people took advantage of me in other ways but i kept going back to them or not leaving in the first place because of the sex. I told myself that if i waited a little longer, the problems would fix themselves, that the person would get a job, they would wash their dishes, they would stop being an uptight conservative prick, etc. but oh yeah until then, the sex is still great.

This will work itself out one way or another. Ask yourself in 10 or 20 years, "what the HELL was i thinking? Why did i stay even THAT long?" because that's what i say to myself. You think you looooooove someone, but what you looooooove is this idealized version of them that you have created in your mind and are trying to get them to live up to in real life. Does not work; but don't take my word for it. You will learn these things for yourself sooner or later.
 
Me and BF have both grown and I do see myself with him ten years down the line we both have the same goals in life we are practically coincide very well but she just always seems to feel either something isn't fair to her or the past bothers her. We have both told her if you can't get over it then leave cus we can't take it especially me my next solution is to form a V so that it can potentially be less stressful for me and she won't feel like it's not fair to her or any other problems won't come up if not then ill stick to my original decision and leave them both I don't want to leave him but if he is going to keep puttin lg up with her tantrums then he can on his own even though he says he won't he says me and him decided to let her in so we both stay together even if she leaves, i don't know seems like she's trying to wear me down sometimes. It's so tiring!!!
 
Yup, it sure is tiring. Shitty relationships suck the energy right out of you, they sure do, that's a fact.

Also, when you hit your head over and over with a hammer, then stop, it feels SO GOOD. You should try it sometime.
 
it does suck especially when you put so much effort. I can not deny that she has been trying and has been more open and less temperamental but, it still happens and i just want to make sure im not going to spend the rest of my life this way. i do love her and i don't want this to go sour :( and i love my BF to death and he does treat me good, yes there are minor set backs but, that's with any relationship, i believe its became more hectic between me and him because of her and her demands on what she wants in the relationship resulting in more distance and less communication between me and him because hes always willing to give her a chance after she goes and starts demanding and acting like a child.
 
It seems that he's making a lot of concessions for her. Try to be objective about whether someone's loving words match up with their "loving" actions. Try a V at first if you have to and see what happens.
 
i will try a v if everything starts getting hectic again. im staying positive. so far everything has been smooth and settled, we are beginning to sleep through the night again and from what im aware of no one is feeling a type of way. so some days are better than others but, im just hoping for the turn around point already. BF i have notice has been less tolerant of her behavior but isnt trying to be neglectful either which is good in my opinion. if that isnt enough for her then idk what is it that she wants because she gets our attention and love and i think that speaks for itself but, like i said, if all else fails a v should be started and if that doesnt work then i guess being single is the solution
 
All brevity and seriousness (and some punctuation) discarded, there are days when i read this thread and feel all the exhaustion and stress the relationship must be imparting on those involved. I applaud your commitment to the process. :)
 
I do sincerely feel bad for the girlfriend in this situation. I am convinced that she has some kind of terrible chemical witchery at work inside her. I think this way because I am a victim of such witchery myself, and I have been known to hurt people who didn't deserve it. The irony is, I was suffering myself while I was dealing out that hurt.

The tough thing is that you, anya1991, must also take care of yourself. You cannot let someone else's darkness swallow you whole. So please be careful in measuring how much abuse you will endure, and if it gets to be too much, set yourself free.

I'm kind of encouraged that things seem to be going better at the moment, but let's see how they'll continue. Remember, the amount of crap your boyfriend condones from your girlfriend, says something about how much he cares about you. I guess he has a thin line to walk, but he needs to not let the girlfriend's angry demands suck up all his attention and love.

No matter what happens, I (and lots of other folks here on Polyamory.com) are pulling for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You think you looooooove someone, but what you looooooove is this idealized version of them that you have created in your mind and are trying to get them to live up to in real life. Does not work; but don't take my word for it. You will learn these things for yourself sooner or later.

I second that. It's especially dangerous when the person changes a little bit and moves ever so slightly towards "your" goal for them, because it gives you hope that they're going to make this complete transformation eventually and they just need more time...more time...more time.

The reality is, people have to want to change themselves, and they have to want it for the right reasons. She might be checking her behaviour, but what are her motivations? Does she genuinely want to be in a triad, or does she just want a dyad with your boyfriend and you out of the picture? Maybe she's just making these changes so that the bf doesn't kick her out, and biding her time until you and bf fall apart.

if that isnt enough for her then idk what is it that she wants because she gets our attention and love and i think that speaks for itself but, like i said, if all else fails a v should be started and if that doesnt work then i guess being single is the solution

You honestly don't know what she wants? I do, and I think you do too.

She wants your boyfriend all to herself. She's not the sharing type. She doesn't want your attention and love, she wants his. More than that, she wants your attention and love to be directed at some other person that isn't her boyfriend.

From what you've said, it's clear that you know she isn't into this arrangement. Why she's staying with it is anyone's guess. I suspect it's just because she doesn't want to lose the boyfriend, and this is the price of admission.

Why do you keep telling yourself that it's "working" just because she isn't blowing up anymore? Is she treating you the way you need to be treated in a relationship? Is she showing YOU attention and love? Are you satisfied making your romantic life all about her?
 
I feel like you just looked into my soul, and read everything I was feeling. I honestly think she is only here dealing with me because she wants him. I have felt like I am more of someone who is a friend to her since we have both been through some ups and downs with bf and that's why she's comfortable with me. Yesterday though she had a argumetb with bf and told him that she feels like he's changed and isn't the same Stanley to her. He's not sweet and romantic even though she isn't the type. Bf told her we have all changed in a sense yet I have realized I can't be cold and heartless to the one I love so me and him do continue to talk how we used to talk. He in turn told her that she has changed and she isn't the sweet person he met either. She proceeded to by statig that's her and I both have a reason to change he has done so much ( I stayed out of the argument) and it does take a toll. The thing is I understand it will cause a change in attitude but, I realized I accepted everything and forgave bf for past faults so I can not continue to hold a grudge on the past. It's a new movement we are going for and the attitude she has has been constant even when she says she is over things the underlying attitude she had over flows the "I'm okay with everything" persona she portrays. Yesterday I told bf that it sucks because I'm an open minded person and I'm trying a trinagomous relationship because I was indeed curious and free spirited in the decision, since the beginning she has stated it wasn't temporary and that this wasn't what she wants. Now it is but I still have my doubts boyfriend says to think positive but how can I when I can sense it all over her. Yesterday I was sick and really needed them both and bf was going to take me to the hospital and before she left for work she had an attitude then left without kissing bf goodbye. She kissed me though. Later on during the day while we were at the hospital she started texting him telling him I don't think you can handle two girlfriends and that her feelings and her well being arent being considered when we have made sure that she is well considered and that is what led to the argument of the night. I'm standing by my bf side but gf thinks that every time she says how she feels we are attacking her but its not the case it's the fact that everytime she expresses herself it's about how we don't care and how bf doesn't show her attention which he does. It's overwhelming really is I told bf last night I honesty think that she's just putting up with me just to be wih you after all he is her first real bf and serious relationship. He told me if that's true she will get tired and she will want to leave but that we just have to see if she really is just seeking for him to let me go or is here for the both of us, I'm in a constant limbo cus she claims she does want me but feels like we don't care for her how is that so I accepted this relationship I accepted her and I brought her into my home.
 
She is not going to stop until you are out of the picture. Just because she is not pitching bitch fits and temper tantrums does not mean anything. It just means she realised that her juvenile behaviour was not only pushing you away, but it was pushing the boyfriend away. She wants you out of the picture. You may have opened your home to her, but she can move out. She is wreaking havoc and causing drama every way possible.

She has made it clear that she does not want to be in a triad. That has been known since the beginning. She just changed her tactic and is waiting for you and your boyfriend to fall apart. Let her go. You are in a constant state of misery and fake happiness. She is controlling the situation like a puppet master. You express your feelings, and she gets mad and thinks you are attacking her. Your boyfriend wants to be with you while you are sick, and suddenly, he cannot handle two girlfriends. She is immature and childish. This is her first relationship, and it is clear that she is not cut of the poly cloth.

If you want my honest opinion, none of you are ready to be in a poly relationship, yet. Where is the balance? That is not to say that you should not open up later, but this situation right here is ridiculous. Somebody needs to put their foot down and end the madness.
 
Ry, it's clear to me that anya is stubborn yet intelligent. While she recognizes that the advice she has received here makes sense and resonates within her, she is determined to sweat this out to the bitter end on the marginal chance that it will do a 180 degree turn around and yield dividends down the road. After all, miracles do happen, right? That's what people who are diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer tell themselves, too.

tl;dr Sometimes people have to learn the hard things the hard way.
 
its hard but maybe this ten day vacay to cali will help me see what i truly want of if in fact they BOTH truly want me. Its hard she claims she does want me she wants to be with me but sometimes she feels lost and that all she wants is for us to guide her along the way and help her not feel alone, :/
 
Well, I hope you find peace on your holiday, and I hope you do not let all of this prevent you from enjoying yourself. You will be in California. Not sure which part, but go to Disneyland, go to some of the hottest spots, meet new people, dance, do some shopping, go to the beach, have a few cocktails, or do whatever it takes to take your mind off of the worries at home. Just have some fun, loosen up, and relax. Time away from a tumultuous situation can be the most welcome thing. Have a safe trip and live it up.
 
i hope so too. i felt like me leaving for these ten days would probably make bf just realize he would only want one girlfriend or maybe that he can only give her attention solely with with me not being in the picture, but idk she doesnt want to leave and she says that she does want to be with me as well, we spoke last night since last night was my last night staying at home before i leave for vacay so i needed to just make sure all air was cleared and that i wasnt going to go and feel like they were better off without me, since she now will enjoy ten days of him and her alone i was afraid of coming back to her upset of having to share again and him just actually being okay with me gone but, im going to honestly just sit back and relax and enjoy my vacay and enjoy my friend whose coming along and just enjoy some ME TIME most importanly!!!
 
i regret to inform you all that i have made the decision of leaving my bf anf gf i came back from vacation and was informed that gf yet again told bf that she initially wants monogamy but he wont give it to her and she cannot give him what he truly wants which is to be truly happy in a relationship of three i have exhausted myself trying to make her feel more for me but if thats not how her hearts feels i wont force it, she says she does have feelings for me they are just not to that extent and i agreed that neither do i because i have secluded my emotions because of all she has said and done. bf doesnt want to be with either one alone so he agrees then everyone goes their separate ways, and i as well agree i am truly hurting right now but i have to do it. it is tearing my heart apart but i have to let go because this isnt working and this is how he wants it, and she in the long run will want monogamy. whats a girl to do right? i told them maybe in the future we can come together if we reanalyze ourselves and the situation or maybe we all agree that friends is better than just distant strangers. hes upset and hurt he has the right to be as does she and i but the choice im making i believe will help me sleep at night more so i know it will. thank you all for all your support and all your well wishes and advice, i know a few of you felt i should leave because its not all in a temple of mutuality and for those who rooted for me and them thank you for supporting me.
 
Good for you for putting yourself first. Move forward and have a good life. Listen to your gut.
 
Good luck, Anya. I am sorry that you are hurting. You did what you had to do, and it will get better in time. Sending hugs your way.

Ry
 
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