New trinogamous relationship

anya1991

New member
i recently started a trinogamous relationship with my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend. He loves both of very much and so do we, so we decided totry it out. I like her aswell even though it hasn't been long i still have an emotionally and romantic attachment to her. My problem is he cheated on both of us and lied to both about one another. Its hard enough to work on this with trust issues, but not only that I feel like if im just there for no purposes. He says he loves me and wants me there that he cannot live without me, He had fallen inlove with me and cannot stand to think of me with someone else, except our girlfriend. I told him I thought it was best for me to leave the trino, yet he wont budge, he doesnt want to be with either one alone, he wants us both or none because he feels like he wont be complete without the other. We are all quite young and very new to this. I feel like sometimes leaving so they can be happy and be a normal couple without the risk of jealousy and resentment, but he just doesnt want to let either of us go and as much as I want to leave sometimes i find myself wrapped in there arms at night because those two are the best thing that ever happened to me. I dont want to grow to resent my boyfriend, does anyone have any advice on how to take the steps into transitioning to a clean slate for the three of us since this is a new relationship for all three?? I could really use some feed back.
P.S. Thank you all for this website and stories, makes me feel very much accepted into this new way of intimacy and love.
 
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Welcome to the forum! You've done a very smart thing by coming here, as you'll find veterans that will give you wonderful advice. They'll be along shortly. I'm not going to do that right now, because this situation is so different than mine, but in the meantime, read all of information of this site that you can, including the FAQ's and Golden Nuggets.

And remember to take care of yourself, including getting plenty of sleep, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and excersizing.
 
Thank you for your well wishes, I did what any other lost human being would do, ask for some sort of direction, I have never considered the possibility of a trinagomous relationship, yet we are coinciding in one. This is a very very new relationship, and hopefully with the help of everyone here, my boyfriend, my girlfriend and I can all learn discuss and get acquainted with it. There is also a surge of jealous that manifests in me when I think of the situation, particularly because I am coming from a monogamous way of living into a poly way of understanding, I hope people can give me their insists in how to deal with that and on letting the past go and officially embark on a fresh clean triad way of living.


To All who might read and reply, I really do appreciate any thoughts and insights.
 
Hi anya1991,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
"Does anyone have any advice on how to take the steps into transitioning to a clean slate for the three of us since this is a new relationship for all three?"

Alas, I know of no way to clean the slate (shy of a lobotomy). The relationship was started and no matter how messy it was in the beginning, that part will remain in your memory, and you will have to process it.

I just know that many relationships get easier a little at a time, as time goes on. You have to get better at communicating with each other, find peace (and a healthy level of independence) within yourselves as individuals, and learn by trial and error what tips and tricks work with each other.

Hopefully your boyfriend will be more honest from now on. Also, try not to rush anything. Take time to appreciate all that you have with each other in the here and now.

Keep reading and posting any thoughts or questions you may have.

Glad to have you aboard,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
so far everything has been come and go. We have had spats that seem endless and making up that seems sweet like honey. Me and my girfriend are now becoming closer, its hard still but are feelings are mutual and in the midst of it I ant help but to feel intoxicated but her love. our boyfriend is trying hard as we both are too. It very difficult but its true what they say communication and honetsy and trust are the key items to hold us firmly together. Im starting to think of it not as a loss but a gain. I gained a wonderfull girlfriend in this process, and hopefully it will be like this for decades to come. I do get worried. Worried that it will just vanish, worried that I will wake up and they both will be gone. But I think for now, I will just sit back and enjoy this wonderful feeling of love that surrounds me from both of their sides.
 
Never regret love. It is a treasure in the memory, long after the loved one has vanished.

Having said that, I think the prognosis for your triad is good, and that the three of you will probably stay together. It's important to remember that relationships -- especially poly relationships -- tend to be quite a roller-coaster ride in the early years. The highs are great, but the lows really suck. You have to have patience and faith, always practicing improved communication, looking forward to the time where things will level out (on a high, comfortably ascending level), and the turbulence of the past will become a harmless memory.

You have the right idea. Bask in the goodness of this moment, here and now. We can never go back to the past, we can just be glad that we appreciated the good things that were there.

I am pulling for you and wishing you the best.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thannk you

Thank you for the support, so far still rocky going on our second month all together. Its alittle frightening because she has made him choose a few times, it hurts my feelings because I know initially she pictured this as a rendezvous and she and him would continue on without me, yet he has firmly planted his feet on the ground and has continously said this isnt just a flling he loves me as much as her and will not be leaving me, he has expressed to her if she wants to leave then she can but he will not be leaving me for her. it saddens me and i have since retracted alot of emotions, i have become colder to both of my partners because im afraid if i show him affection her jealousy will surely cast a dark cloud and im afraid of opening my heart to her more and her rejecting me as a lover after i have fallen completely head over heels. Ive tried countless times to leave in hopes they can work it out without me but my boyfriend says he cannot be in a monogamous relationship with her, and he wouldnt be able to get over me. after all this we have done well more open communication and more activities done together chores at home are balanced monetary duties are up to date and we are even starting to go to the gym together. Hopefully this summer people will see us three together and be proud of us as a unit a trouple!:D I look forward to many more comments and opinions from anyone else. Thank you all for your warm thoughts and positive feed back and sorry for disappearing my birthday passed and i tried to make the best out of it with the ups and downs weve been having, yes it is difficult but an expirience none the less.
 
I've got a bad feeling about this. I'm hearing he's getting what he wants, and she's not getting what she wants, and neither are you. Is this right?

For your relationship to work you all have to be getting at least most of what you want and it doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe it would help to have everybody say what they want and see if it can work. Sometimes it can't. (Then he's not going to get what he wants)
 
I understand

For me I'm content it seems like she's letting her guard down and has just been afraid to let go of her fears and just love. It has gotten much better I'm just scared on day she will wake up and really say this isn't for me I tried but it's not what I want she says it's because she's new to this I have been with a woman before so I have explored this side of me. He is also afraid this doesn't work if it doesn't monogamy with me is what he will continue if she isn't able to love openly because I do have feelings and from what I see her too. I just hope it's not an illusion and more of a definite. Thanks for the opinion ions and concerns I will report how our progress is doing, so far getting along communicating and doing things as three, I hope this last more than a week or two because its starting to feeling like a true relationship.
 
It doesn't sound like things are perfect, but it sounds like they're improving overall. I'm rooting for you to have a long and happy poly relationship in the long run.
 
>Having said that, I think the prognosis for your triad is good, and that the three of you will probably stay together

Kevin, it is really nice to be supportive and optimistic, but I don't feel it is ever a safe bet to say that ANY relationship, especially a Poly triad, made up of young people, where insecurity AND cheating is involved is a done deal!

That is just offering up false hope.....why would you even say that?

Isn't it better for the OP to enjoy the loving experience without having to feel like a failure if it all goes tits up?
 
Well I didn't think it was a false hope, but I've been known to be overly optimistic at times. Luckily we have a wide range of perspectives on this site, so that tends to even things out.

Of course I don't mind emphasizing that I don't think there are any 100% guarantees.
 
overwhelmed

I just dont know what to do at times. She continues to find the slightest things to argue about with our boyfriend and is constantly needing more affection, which in a results takes away from my time with either one because shes always feeling left out. sometimes i feel like im taking care of a child, and it hurts because ive out alot of effort here and so has our boyfriend but it seems like nothing can satisfy her unless its that in reality that she just wants monogamy with him, and i cant shake the feeling that this is the issue. She will forever find something wrong in this to make it about her, all the attention is on her and it takes from me alot. i dont know what to do but i told our boyfriend if this continues i will have to leave because this should be equal on every side and if jealousy is going to damper this relationship than i rather be single. its not fair that i have to subdue my emotions and my character for someone who will always take offense to everything, she feels the need to over analyze every single detail and i honestly do not have the capacity to address it all. she just cant seem to let little things fly by and they result in her every time threatening to leave and i cant live in an in and out relationship.....it just not healthy, last night i broke night with them arguing over something so miniscule that she obviously thought was an issue in lack of attention, when she gets the most attention. i literally had no sleep and went straight to work and i can only think, is this going to be an always thing? i told our boyfriend if this happens again i cant stay with him although he said he will tell her she has to leave and would continue with me i just cant help the feeling that all she will do is try to lure us back in by saying she if fully committed yet having problems with us about everything...im just sooooo confused overwhelmed and exhausted!!! :confused:
 
(((hugs)))

I am sorry, it really does sound like you are truly fed up, tbh you couldn't have started one of the most difficult and frustrating types of relationship configurations and it is probably this insistence on it all being equal which makes things so difficult for you because clearly it is NOT equal and it probably won't be. You need to do what is emotionally healthy and happy for you, don't allow yourself to be a puppet in any one else's game, you deserve better ok?

Good Luck,
Natja
x
 
Thank you

Im sorry i do not know how this ended up in your post when i replied to my thread. It just somehow landed someone where. But i do appreciate you taking the time to responding back, it is very one sided and it hurts all i have is that one final limit that will take me to the conclusion of leaving. I like her alot and i love my boyfriend, but tif this can not work out than it can not. I will nor he force someone into this and it feels like we are. she claims otherwise but her actions are soooo obvious that she isnt comfortable with this. I just hope that in the next week or so it gets better if not i will have to bid my fairwells. :(
 
Sorry to hear things aren't turning out so well. If I have led you on in any way with my hopeful posts, I apologize for that as well. Love is always a risk. There are times when monogamous relationships don't work out, and there are times when polyamorous relationships don't work out as well. The important thing, I suppose, is to be willing to give love another chance sometime in the future, even if you get hurt and burned this time around.

It sounds like the ex girlfriend is really hogging the attention and freaking out a lot. Maybe she'll improve in the future, but you'll have to decide for your own part how long you can endure this kind of flooding.

Let us know if there's any way we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Idk

Its just so confusing, because we sat all last night to talk about it, and she was esxpressing herselfand she expects more atttention than we can give and that in results take away from the attention i deserve as well. :( Last night i went into the conversation with the intentions of going on a break or just breaking up for good yet they dont want me to they are ruling out my suggestion saying its not a solution in this. But the more they dont give me this break the more i want to leave because we are constantly having this discussion about jealousy and attention, and i honestly think i might just need to be alone even though making that decision will break them up. at this point i do want to be alone and just be free of the thoughts, but knowing this will hurt my boyfriend eternally, yet what can i do must i admit that he nor she are the one for me?
 
It is that constant pressure to process the relationship is very trying for me, so I understand the stress. Truly though some people are so analytical and reflective it suits them to live in that way, I prefer action to reflection (maybe it is a very masculine energy but that is the way I am). Anyway, my point is, relationships (any sort) are not easy, but if it is a constant uphill struggle, it is more than likely to remain so.
 
Agreed

i strongly agree with you i prefer actions because they are the constant that speak more than words do. She has done this multiple times and ive just seen it getting worse. its becoming more angrier on her behalf and i explained to her in order to be here you have to let go of the resentment because she holds alot of it towards our boyfriend since he was with her before meeting me then went with me and now is with both, i have learned to accept the past and not let it haunt my every waking moment because i love him and therfore if im here i can not continue to badger him with anger about it because it will lead us no where. she has all this built up hatred that she needs to tend to pertaining him because me and her wont be able to get closer the way we need to if she continues to feel this way towards him. if she continues to hold that against him it wont be how it should because a simple hug with him and him could spark it up or if she feels he is giving me more attention it will cause a disreuption. i honestly feel that she needs to let go of her possesiveness and jealousy she claims its has left but these actions speak loud she NEEDs more attention and thats not the way it goes, ive been nothing but nice and open with her and i may sound a little mean right now but im tired or being nice. ive let her know too that i wont be taken as a steppiing stool, its like shes here with me because she knows she wont have him to herself so she plays the i dont feel loved card to get him to pay attention to her more and quite frankly im getting tired of it....whats a girl to do in the name of love....but like i have conveyed sometimes love isnt enough to stick it through....im giving this i believe one more shot because if this is how its going to go then this means this is just not going to ever change and again thank you for all your love and support everyone it means alot to me:eek:
 
Think of a time frame for how long you will stay in the relationship with no improvements. Not just how long you can stand it, but how long is fair and reasonable to everyone including yourself. Inform your companions, and mark your exit date on the calendar. If things have improved by then, then stay with them for awhile longer, otherwise have mercy on yourself and let the toxic situation go.

That's my advice anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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