New trinogamous relationship

Thank you, as of right now they are trying to make me reconsider my decision, and talk it out I just see the same pattern and I honestly just see her holding on to this relationship because she doesn't want to lose him. When is enough when she says again she isn't comfortable with me and him romantically alone again, and she can its not like to always be stern about situations but I won't put my foot down here. I'm in my house feeling like I have to watch everything I do. I will still consider other poly options in the future for now I will see what happens but my ultimate decision is being and just enjoying me for now. Thanks for all the love and support I will tell you all how the conversation later goes.
 
i have just found out that a few days ago my girlfriend told my boyfriend that she didnt want him having relations alone with me, yet she does in fact have relations with him alone, she doesnt with me because i know shes not comfortable, she doesnt ever want to have relations with us both becuase i know thats not what she wants. so i finally came to the decision today that this isnt going to work out for me, i can not be with someone that selfish, she will never change even if she says she has it will always be a problem, unfortunately this means i have also lost the initial love of my life my boyfriend.:( but i guess thats the price i pay and maybe its what i need, no more drama no more jealousy, no more feeling neglected because she feels her needs arent being met. thank you guys all for your love and support, although i like this site i might not return again due to thinkin that a trinogamous relationship might not work out for me again in the future, even though the thought of it would be pleasant.

So she doesn't want you to have sex with him without her, but she doesn't want to have sex with you with him... so basically, she doesn't want you to have sex with him at all. Well, that's no surprise, it sounds like that's how she's been acting all along.

Have you considered transitioning this relationship to a "vee?" There's no reason you and she have to be together as a couple. They don't have to live with you, either. Or he can live with you but you can ask her to move out. Clearly it's not working as a triad, but that doesn't mean it can't work in some other form. That way, you wouldn't have to deal with her baggage so much. You can set out your own boundaries and needs in terms of what you require in a relationship with him, and she can do the same. Then it's up to him to figure out if he can balance all of that.

Honestly, I don't think she's cut out for polyamory. Some people just aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that she's being pressured into a situation that doesn't fit for her. I blame him for that, by threatening each of you that he'll leave the other if one of you leaves him. That's pretty selfish. It puts the burden of the other woman's relationship on each of your shoulders. That's manipulative.
 
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We tried yet again to go at this and im still seeing the same results, she says she wants this and thats why im overwhelmed because i made a decision to leave this relationship this weekend and they both begged me not to leave, i think its more she doesnt want me to leave because hell leave, and he doesnt tell me he'll leave me if she leaves he says he'll leave if i leave because she was always making him choose between us or always wanting to leave this relationship. She says we have her full commitment but then she doesnt want to interact sexually. And for the record she does have relations with him but when im involved there is always an excuse it just happened last night yet again and during this weekend after having them both tell me they want me there me and our boyfriend thought it would be nice if we all got romantic and she thought we were leaving her out and she got uncomfortable. i dont know how she felt left out when we all were agreeing we were going to be intimate, she initially took her time to get in the groove and then just decided she was uncomfortable, our boyfriend doesnt want a vee, its more complicated and she will definitely badger him about being intimate with me alone if it turns into a vee, she already has an issue with him being intimate with me and she can continue to say shes getting over it but i know its not going to change. and in result im becoming distant and it upsets our boyfriend because i dont want to get close to him because god forbid she has a problem with it. im at my wits end i cant continue this vicious circle twice this weekend i was denied intimacy with them both, and it was her fault yet again. we include her if anything hes always trying to give her extra attention so she can feel more comfortable and its now becoming a nuisance for me, and he wants me to be patient but i have been, shes constantly saying how her solution was celibacy but that isnt something i want, if thats what she thinks is best then maybe i t should just step out of the relationship. but no they continue to beg me to talk it over and stay and honestly im just tired of trying to satisfy her, because i need to satisfy myself as well. whats a girl to do
 
It's up to you, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. Personally I see no reason why you and boyfriend shouldn't get to have sex just the two of you, especially if she *is* allowed to have sex alone with him, and balks when it's all three of you. Where does that leave you? It seems very unfair.

I would tell them that if you are going to stay, then they are going to have to adjust some of the unfair rules. And maybe your boyfriend should open his mind a little about letting this thing be a V, if that's what it needs to be.

It's obviously not working the way things are; something's got to change.

I hope you find an answer to your dilemma and get some more peace in your life. I am always here to help if I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you I'm trying hard to not let it get to me but I can only handle so much if she continues this negative thinking and jealousy and this so called getting used to this thing still attitude then idk because it feels like she will never get used to this, it's a do or don't not try I feel because we have already been in this relationship for two months going on three and I just can't fathom how she till not comfortable she practically lives in my house now they both do. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a convinience becaus I have my own apartment cus once I want to leave they are begging me to stay but if she claims she has feelings for me romantically then she should initiate at least once because I have tried and have been turned down she's. very indecisive person. I need people with stability in my life because I'm wishy washy I'm sorry I'm very into zodiac and I'm a Pisces and we are very wishy washy. And it seems like in all this I'm very firm in what I want and very aware of what I got into and how it should be going and feel like for the first time it's me whose stable on my decision until she brings the negative which makes me away in that negative cesspool. Thank you for yor support everyone It means alot to me
 
Well please keep us posted, and let us know however we can help. Sometimes it helps just to have a place to vent, and know there's listening and sympathetic ears here for you.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of negativity and uncertainty, which you don't need. Please set healthy boundaries, and take care of yourself. Don't let yourself be talked into a situation that isn't good for you; put your foot down and insist on some changes for the better.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
I will so far she is just saying that she messed up in the pat but is not the case now and that she recently really wasn't trying to not be intimate she was just tired and really wasn't up for it but that she no longer feels like she once did about me and out boyfriend beig intimate alone. So far they both are starting to realize that I have feelings too and they are finally stepping up and taking precaution around them.
 
So it is now okay for you and boyfriend to be intimate just the two of you -- am I reading that right? (I hope so.)

I will continue to follow your thread and see how things are going.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Yes she said this weekend wasn't about jealous she was just really tired from work and an outing we all took. That she really didnt have that conversation that weekend for me to stay just to act the same way before because she really doesn't want to lose me. There are still problems that I have to solve with boyfriend and that will be all on its own but I'm hopefully for those to solve quickly. Keep you posted on more enjoyr your night!!
 
Thanks; look forward to more of your posts.
 
thank you ive been distant with them both, the lack of intimacy has left a little gap between me and boyfriend i find myself very cold at times with him. im willing to hear girfriend out and left her show me she is really into me not becuase of boyfriend, hope all goes well, i just honestly need to sit one on on with boyfriend like i did with girlfriend and just clear the air. as i explained in the beginning of this thread, he has been unfaithful to her with me and then to me with her so there is animosity and some harbored feelings there not so much of the cheating because i forgiven and forgotten but more of the fact thatg its not the same relationship now and he needs to understand that not all goes away with a wave of a wand and these issues have only made me retract myself more so pulling me back into his wing will be a little harder this time around. this isnt out one on one relationship anymore so he needs to realize that i wont be the same way its alot of different factors which i know i have to work on as well. keep you guys posted thanks again. BTW dont know your relationship statuses but i wish you all the best.
 
Well I appreciate that. It does sound like you need to clear the air with your boyfriend, first of all because maybe you need him to do a little more to rebuild the trust, and second because it's a poly relationship which is a somewhat different dynamic than a monogamous relationship.

I'm sure you guys will get your chance to talk. Ask him to set a time for it, if that would help facilitate things.

Best wishes to you,
Kevin T.
 
So far no real chance to talk to boyfriend, especially with stress from other aspects of life, yesterday we hit a rock but managed to steer away from it after the crash with just minor bumps. seems like they are both trying. Maybe its just me that is now over it after everyone took their time to neglect and ignore me in this all. I have become very distant and cold and some what mean, but with all reasons. its not that i want to be, its just that actions reciprocate responses and if they are negative they will bring negative. But then again I have already set a time limit like i said earlier in the post, so if it truly cant pass this very rocky stage then I know that the towel will need to ultimately be hung. for now im just going to accept their attempts to show they care and stop over analyzing and just also start to live my life again. Go out with friends enjoy hobbies i like and just be me whole heartily. ive started to set alone time as well as time with them as well as time with friends as well as time to do things i enjoy that i have left in the dust. its only right to rebuild myself after so much i owe it to myself. Hope all is well in your relationships to you all. sending love your way!!
 
Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, not being dependent on the others for your well-being, but willing to work something out if it's fair to everyone.

Hope things continue to improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
everything seems to be easing up. spoke to boyfriend this morning. and explained that there is alot of factors that have led to emotional withdrawal and strain. But he does listens and understands and explains that now its time to move forward from it. he isnt trying to deny me my affection, he wants to show me that he loves us equally and that is the reason we have all come together because of love. i told him that sometimes i just feel like he forgets he has two girlfriends and just needs to be aware that now if girlfriend has let go of her issues that he needs to focus on us both. In order for us to all come and unite completely i know that i need to also leave behind the emotions of neglect and betrayal. it uplifted me that talk because it reassured me of my through think and thin pledge. Ive always told him no matter what ill always been here and lately i felt like sticking around wasnt the best decision for me. girlfriend has been great no problems and boyfriend has just been basically making up for time he has put me on the back burner to give extra attention to her. he says its not only you here its us three its equal. you are your own person yes and when your out in the world you show that but when youcome home to us its us three our life dont forget we are all in this together im not going to leave you behind never. thank again for all your love and support
 
Glad to hear things are going better. :)
 
I have become very distant and cold and some what mean, but with all reasons. its not that i want to be, its just that actions reciprocate responses and if they are negative they will bring negative.

You are responsible for your own behaviours. You are not a leaf in the wind, with no control over your path. You choose your reactions. Saying that you have reasons for being cold and mean is just a way to pass the blame for your own choices and behaviours.

Their negative behaviour may cause you negative feelings and thoughts, but you are still responsible for the way you respond to those feelings and thoughts. If you need to step away so that you can calm down and not be mean, then do it. Returning negative behaviour with negative behaviour only creates a viscous cycle in which no one accepts responsibility for their actions.
 
In other words, be the good example here.
 
your right guys, but its like even when i try and be receptive something is wrong. This weekend has been very tough for me because i was just informed my mother has returned into a relationship with an abusive ex of hers, who couldve nearly killed her. I looked for the compassion and love and strength in my partners. yesterday i was home with boyfriend and we had what was to me a great day we finally have started to be less cold to one another and i remembered that im still with him because yes in fact i still do love him. girlfriend was working, it got a little late and i wasnt able to cook since i was running around and my head was all over the place due to the news of my mother, and so we let girlfriend know we were going to order in. she became deeply upset and in conclusion lost her appetite. i was a tad bit upset since i didnt see it as a big deal since the following day which is today boyfriend had off and he was going to make up for the meal. he told me not to cook it was late and he knew i had a lot on my mind. about an hour and a half later me and boyfriend laid down and without noticing fell asleep. girlfriend came home a bit later from work and found us sleeping and instead of trying to wake us up she nudged boyfriend once saw he didnt respond and proceeded to put her stuff on and walk out and telling us to have a goodnight. boyfriend got up, disoriented and went to chase her and brought her in and there it started... another argument. over the fact, that we fell out unintentionally. now i know i am going to sound a bit selfish right now but please take to consideration that all ive tried to do is make girlfriend comfortable in this whole realtionship. and i have put my feelings last to please her and not disappoint boyfriend but, i was upset because she knew ive had a rough few days due to my mother and i havent gotten much peace. i have been extremely tired and i had fallen out on a monday the first and most tiring day of the work week. she began to say that its very inconsiderate that we didnt wait up for her, and that she comes home late and we should be greeting her at the door. she became to complain about another time where we fell asleep like this, yet fails to realize we always wait for her up with a hot meal waiting for her. I explained to her that these are minuscule things that shouldnt even be an issue because one day out of 365 will not hurt to be found asleep. Ive found boyfriend sleeping many times and its not an issue if someone is tired who am i to be upset that they fell asleep. i wouldnt deprive any one of that. but she continued to be upset which in turn cause boyfriend to get upset and when hes upset he tends to yell. im honestly exhausted of the yelling and bickering about every little thing, she proceeds to tell me that shes been upset because boyfriend has been acting distant and that im ignoring the fact that he has, and i myself have also had to face the fact that boyfriend is acting that way but i just accepted the fact that you reep what you sow, meaning i too have fault for him to act differently towards me and she has fault in it too as well as he. i have tried about three times to end this relationship, with them telling me me leaving isnt the solution. but last night i fell asleep thinking solely about my mother, and the possible danger she faces going back into the arms of the man that once put her in the hospital. and i realized there is so much more that im not focusing on because i am too focused on them. and its honestly like she wants extra attention. she didnt wake me up last night she woke up boyfriend to complain. so i knew from that moment she was upset initially with boyfriend because thats who she really wants the attention from. but to make a big deal deal over a nap and argue about it for two hours and continue to say we were wrong honestly puts me over my head on if i can handle this anymore. its too many people and too many emotions and not enough mutual ground for any side to compromise, its like nothing is ever enough, and im at my wits end. last night what happened shouldnt have happened, see there was space on my side, so she couldve laid down next to me and curled into me , but instead she chose to try and nudge boyfriend over and he was sound asleep so made a show and walked out. I know this may sound silly but im very receptive of emotions and body language and she acted last night as if we left her behind, and she also remarked "you guys always do everything without me" which is not true at all. we all had this raging fight that i just thought its enough, and once i put my foot down, and say im tired which i did say last night and that i want to be single, they want to try to patch things up. girlfriend was upset because she claims that i beg boyfriend to stay after arguments and not her but i always run after her and tell her to please reconsider, and im just tired of begging them both to lets all just get along. I know my actions are wrong as well because i can not feed negative energy with more negative energy, but i think its time for us all to start new. honestly i dont know where there heads are but i think as of for me i need to start new. the other day i had a falling out with boyfriend over some very harsh words he told me, and i explained to her he may not treat you that but he does to me and it has to stop so its not only because of you i want to end this relationship, its because of him and also because of myself and who i have become in it. i love boyfriend because initially thats who i fell in love with before this all and i love girlfriend too but i think this chapter as really ended for me but they wont let me go, and last night i felt like i was undermined about how im feeling. boyfriend says i always want to leave when things go wrong but honestly, me and boyfriend arent the same as we once was, and he knows it might never be the same way again. through this whole process all im thinking is im giving them my all and right now i should be giving my mother my all, ive been so consumed in this relationship that i wasnt there for my mother to help her be stronger and to not run back to this horrible man, my heart is sunken deeper than it has already sunk and all i honestly want to do do is be alone and mend it....last night they made up and thought it was all fine but im not okay, ive been trying to call it quits for sometime now, and i dont see improvement for me to think otherwise....:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
 
Be strong Anya, they are not keeping you prisoner and you do not need anyone's approval or permission to leave a desperate situation!!

Take care of yourself and don't take all the emotional burden of g/f, b/f or even your mother. You must do what is best for you right now.

((hugs))
 
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