On the edge of poly?

Orpheus

New member
Polyamory was not even a word I was terribly familiar with up until about six months ago. Now swinging! Yes, that's a word that I know very well. My wife of fifteen years and I (I'm on a Greek mythology theme right here, so I'm going to call her Harmonia) have been swinging for quite a while. The two of us were introduced to that lifestyle a few years back after discussing it for a long time. Our first few experiences were a little bit rocky, but after a while we had fallen into a routine of meeting other couples and having a few sexual encounters, then backing off until the urge struck again. We had set strict rules that outlined the parameters of our encounters with others... all the usual stuff. We were very insecure about our spouse having other partners, so we kept it on a very tight leash. We insisted on the "same room" rule of swinging - as in, neither of us have sex without the other partner present in the same room. This was fine, and for the first couple years all of our meet ups either took place in a local swing club, or at a house party.

It's been in the last year that a couple of things have happened that have drastically changed the shape of our relationship and pushed us more into a poly lifestyle. About this time last year I met a woman at work that I'm going to call Eris (as a mythology fan herself, she would love the reference). With the exception of my wife, I have never seen anyone in my life who I have connected with so effortlessly and quickly. Now, I am ridiculously loyal to Harmonia. I have never had any real interest in a relationship outside of her, and I have never, ever thought of myself as anything other than completely monogamous... even WITH the presence of swinging in our lifestyle.

Eris and I met almost randomly. We happened to be working together one night and we just got to talking. Then we talked a little bit more the next night, then the next night. We had so much in common and I enjoyed her company so much... I looked forward to work every night just so I could get to spend some more time with her. Slowly, our friendship at work started to evolve into a friendship outside of work. I was promoted to a new position that involved me switching shifts, that led to our relationship evolving as it had become an entirely out of work thing. If never stopped growing from there... Eris started coming over for dinner every other week or so, and we hung out nearly every week on top of that.

Now... the question I still suck at answering...

When did I start having feelings for Eris above and beyond being friends? I have no idea. Somewhere between fifteen minutes after I met her and right around the beginning of the year, depending on when you start counting I suppose. I'm pretty damned good at ignoring stuff like this, and I kept it very tightly under wraps for quite a long time. Aside from vague daydreams of what maybe could be, I could see no real hope for anything substantive between Eris and I, so I simply brushed it all tidily under the rug. We DID talk about it, though. With the amount of time and the level of familiarity we show toward each other, there were and continue to be loads of workplace rumors surrounding the two of us. We find the whole thing really amusing, and liberating at the same time... the way we see it, if everyone in our workplace things we are fucking, then why not just be ourselves?

But still, nothing ever happened between us. Our relationship is completely platonic. Eris and I both explained our reasons why at one point... Mine was simple. I'm married to an amazing person who I would never do anything to hurt and I would never allow anything to happen with Eris that was not done with Harmonia's permission. Her reasons are that I'm more than a decade older than she is and I'm married with kids. The latter is the biggest reasons. She is terrified of the idea that she could come between our family.

Then the second thing happened... Right around May of this year Harmonia and I met another couple. They are a little bit younger than us and right in the process of getting married. Pontus and Thalassa are both very career oriented and although their interests are slanted more toward the stuff I like rather than what Harmonia likes, it is her that is more heavily invested in the relationship with them. It started with a few sexual encounters at their house and culminated in a fantastic weekend in a hotel room. But to everyone involved, by the end of a month or so, it was clear what was going on between us had gone beyond merely swinging. There was actually the beginnings of a poly relationship being planted there. Everyone reacted to this in a different way... most of the soul searching was done by Harmonia and Thalassa. They had bonded remarkably together, and it was because of this bond that I was the first one to let go of the entire "same room" rule that we had leading up to that moment. In fact, I didn't even care anymore about my wife going and spending time with one or both of them. Everything seemed so right that it was obvious that forming a real relationship with them was the logical next step.

This came pretty easy for me, I think, because these were concepts that I was already wrestling with on some level or another in my relationship with Eris. The idea that a poly relationship was forming elsewhere in our lives made me start to re-examine everything a little bit. This, combined with my wife and I reading The Ethical Slut, started to change my way of thinking on a lot of points. I realized that we could have other relationships outside our primaries without detracting from that important core relationship.

I think that Harmonia had some changes toward this relationship too. She had often acted defensive and territorial about Eris in the past, but since our relationship started with Thas and Pontus, she had curbed that way back. It has since become very common for all three of us to hang out together.

This brings us up to where we are right now, but I'm falling asleep. Tomorrow I'm going to what we have going on now an where are concerns are. Thank everyone who happens to be reading this.
 
Your story is not an uncommon. Keep us posted!
 
Re (from OP):
"It has since become very common for all three of us to hang out together."

You, Eris, and Harmonia?

In any case, bookbug is correct in indicating that quite a few swingers have transitioned into poly, or at least added poly to their life and activities. So, you should be able to find some good info and advice on making the transition in some of our threads (and by conversing with various members here).

Sounds like you have a cool situation going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
ershoob hair

Took me a little longer than I had intended to carve out some time to get back here. And though it's my day off I was up at the crack of dawn today. Eris has the flu and her roommate is out of town so I have been stopping by a couple times a day to just take care of her. A year ago she would have NEVER allowed this... she is an excruciatingly independent person and doesn't like to be doted upon.

I guess that's a good place to start. My relationship with Eris is one that I have a very hard time figuring out where it stands. We both see or talk to each other every day. It's not uncommon for us to spend one or two evening off either together or with Harmonia each week. But for all this, we remain very platonic. As Harmonia gets more comfortable with this relationship, my want to move forward grows. Eris doesn't want to leave the spot we are in right now, though. It's taken me a long time to nail down the exact reasons... but they seem to be... in order of importance:

1. She is very anxious about having a relationship with someone married. She doesn't want to be the person that causes damage to the family unit that we already possess.
2. Her best friend of about a decade is essentially the female version of me. We have almost identical personalities and mannerisms. How is this an issue? Eris had a crush on her that lasted for years and was never reciprocated. She freely admits that because of the similarities between us, she has a mental block toward me that's hard to overcome.
3. Logistical shit that doesn't matter to me but does to her. Simply put... I can never be the boyfriend that she introduces to her family. We will never be able to have a traditional relationship. The decade and a half age difference doesn't help either.
4. And this one has never been communicated as such to me, but it's speculation based on my knowledge of past events... Eris has serious abandonment issues when it comes to being in relationships with males. Guys have had a history of treating her poorly, often being lukewarm toward relationships and either only wanting her as an FWB or treating her as though she's temporary until said asshole finds someone better.

I would love for this relationship to become a true poly one. Failing that, I would be happy for it to simply evolve into FWBs. Not terribly crazy about it staying the way it is, but I will accept it. Eris is one of the most amazing people I have ever known, and I would do anything for her. For all her anxiety about relationships, I don't think it has TOTALLY occurred to her that we already ARE in a relationship. The only thing that really seperates us from a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that there is no sex, limits on displays of affection, and no formalized boundaries toward the arrangement. Hell, we even jokingly call each other our "not-boyfriend" and "not-girlfriend."

We HAVE had friction concerning the mismatch in our wants. I get frustrated with her a lot. More than I probably should. I get upset very easily when she shows obvious interest in another guy. Hook-ups are very hard for me. A while back she had a brief sexual encounter with a friend of a friend who she had only met that night. She told me about it the next day, because we talk about damned near everything. Those are the worst... I'm left feeling like I just got punched in the stomach and wondering how some random stranger is good enough, but I'm not? In turn, she gets frustrated right back at me, saying that I make her feel bad for not wanting more. Or getting upset that I talk about it too much.

I get by just telling myself that I'm in this for the long game. We have been very good friends for a year, and we just keep getting better. Some things take time... and if this is one of them, I'm more than happy to give her time. To her credit, she is about a hundred times more patient with me than I am with her. She's always brutally honest with me all the time, even when she knows that telling the truth might hurt me or put strain on our relationship.

Thalassa and Pontus... Now this is a different story altogether! This is a relationship that is so damned easy that it almost makes itself work. We are kind of feeling our way along blindly just the same way they are right now. None of us were really expecting a few swinging encounters to turn into a poly relationship, but this is where things seem to be heading. To be fair, Harmonia is MUCH more invested in this relationship than I am. She talks to both Thas and Pontus every single day on the phone, and texts them more than I do. I text Thas every day, Pontus less often. I adore them both, but I'm a little bit more emotionally subdued about them than my wife is.

The only danger zone I see in this relationship is a BIG one. I keep in mind that Pontus is still comparatively young (mid 20s) and has territorial issues toward Thalassa. Whereas I can easily bow out and just leave the three of them to mess around, he absolutely MUST have someone paying attention to him if I'm present. In other words, he gets upset if both girls are focused on me. This has never metastasized into a more serious problem because I don't have the same impulse toward jealousy. (note that I say that despite the issues with Eris. My jealousy with her and other guys stems more from me NOT having that level of relationship with her. If we did have that, I don't think I would ever get jealous again. Just like I never do with Harmonia.)

This extends to meet-ups in general. It's okay for Thalassa to meet up with the two of us without Pontus PROVIDED there is no sexual contact. Otherwise it's a no-no. That's not a two-way provision.... I have no problem whatsoever with Harmonia going to visit them solo and it turning into sex. Again, this is not a SERIOUS issue, but I see that it could turn into one in the long term.

I guess the questions that I would like to present are:
1. What's the best course of action in not losing my mind with Eris?
2. How do we (being Me, my wife, Thas and Pontus) deal with Pontus' jealousy issues?
 
Re:
"What's the best course of action in not losing my mind with Eris?"

I actually think your best move is to back away for awhile. Not cut off all contact, just stop seeing her so often. Every time you see her, it makes you think all the more about the issues that are driving you crazy. Since she has put her foot down and insisted that things between you and her remain casual, you might consider capitulating to that dynamic and focusing more on other things. It sounds like it's possible she'll want more with you eventually, but not for a really long time.

Re:
"How do we (being me, my wife, Thas and Pontus) deal with Pontus' jealousy issues?"

You either accept them and work around them, or you withdraw from the equation. The only person who deals with his issues (if anyone does) is him. He has to be willing to admit he has a problem and want to work on it. Nobody can make him do that for him (except himself).

If he does agree to try to overcome his jealousy issues, then you could suggest y'all look for a poly-friendly therapist that Pontus can work with. That's one thing he could try (if he wanted).

There are links he can follow to certain web pages (again if he's willing):

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

But before going there I think you and Harmonia need to meet together with Thalassa and Pontus and ask Pontus how he feels about the current dynamic, about jealousy, and about whether he feels he has an issue with jealousy that he'd like to work on. Not a fun converstation but a necessary step if you want to intervene in his behavior. Otherwise you'd just wait around for him to figure it out by himself (which might never happen).

I hope some of these ideas help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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