Boyfriend asked if I am only after sex, how to validate him?

Norwegianpoly

New member
Hie,

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of months. My long distance relationship with him seems to be going well despite us not knowing each other well before we had to part :). The two of us talk on phone and Skype every day, my husband and him talk every week, we plan him visiting here and so on. My husband is happy about my BF. Me and BF are very much in love, and vocal about it, he often says I make him feel very loved :p. Still there are things in this relationship that may make my BF less comfortable. He is monogamous and was looking for a monogamous girlfriend - when he fell for me. He says he want to be with me so much he will make things work. My nightmare is that he will end us becaue of the long distance, or the polyamory, or both. He seems in general more and more comfortable sharing me with my husband, but he also sometimes voices doubts. They can hurt. :eek:

Today on Skype he asked me if I liked what he does in bed. In the beginning I thought he was flirting with me, but this time no such luck. Because when I answered that I love his bed skills, he asked if I would have continued the relationship with him if he had not been so skilled... Very hypothetical! :eek: I love the sexual part of our relation and he seems to do too. We also have a wonderful connection outside of bed. But I know that he has felt used for sex in a previous (long distance) relationship - I feel that coming up every once in a while, and think to myself that I perhaps have to help to heal those wounds. But how to do this? :confused: I do not know how to express to him how hurt I feel. It is not like he said i AM only after sex, but he was sort of asking the question. Even the suggestion is hurtful to me, and makes me uncomfortable about initiating sex or even flirting next time. I am afraid that I will become guilty for being turned on by :eek:. and if he is re-living bad memories I do not know how to help him deal with that. It is also a bad reminder of the time my ex, who I was very much in love with at the time, asked me if I was into him only for his looks - I feel just as judged as back then, if not more. I am glad my BF tells me what is on his mind (we try to keep it honest and open). Still I am not sure how to deal with his questions.... any thoughts? :cool:
 
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Don't take it personally, since you know why he's asking. It's reasonable for him to wonder, I think. Don't turn his insecurity into yours, that's kind of selfish.

Edit: I wanted to clarify, it sounds like you're insulted that he is scared and insecure.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Could not take it personally. Could sort it out. Could also express your own feelings.

Could ask him something like

"When you ask me if I would have still been with you without your sex skills -- I do not know how to answer that. That is a "what if" and not a "what is" here.

  • Are you actually asking me if I am using you for sex like your previous rships? If so? No, I am not.
  • Are you asking me to tell you why I am with you and what I see in you? If so, I could try to list.

Before going into deeper conversation, could you be willing to clarify what are you actually asking me here? What your need is at this time? Reassurance? Validation?

Because when you ask me like "would you still have gotten together with me without my sex skills" it seems kinda "hinty" and seems to assume I'm a user. That bothers me because I have my own past relationship buttons that can be pushed. I could be taking it wrong and that might not be your intent. So... let's sort that out.

I am willing to help if I can, but I don't know how since I don't know what behavior you would like or what you are actually asking me. "

What behaviors does he need from you?
What behaviors do you need from him?

Could sort that out, and then could ask


"How would you like me to approach you next time we see each other? Would you welcome me flirting next time? Or initiating sex? I want to treat you the way you want to be treated, but I'm not sure now what you would like from my behavior toward you. I want to be with you, but I don't want to push buttons.
"​

Could be emotionally honest and authentic here. But not DWELL on stuff in your own head.

Could focus on (talking and sorting it out) instead of (focusing on feeling weird.) Then these feelings in you don't go out of proportion because you are taking action to resolve them.

Galagirl
 
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Don't take it personally, since you know why he's asking. It's reasonable for him to wonder, I think. Don't turn his insecurity into yours, that's kind of selfish.

Edit: I wanted to clarify, it sounds like you're insulted that he is scared and insecure.
Thanks for the reply. This all happened with the worst possible of timings - I was sick and home alone, he had only slept 3 hours and was tired from helping out his family. We managed to cheer each other up right before this one hit me in the stomach. Feelings are what they are. I too have my insecurites - fear of being judged for being "too" sexual is one of them. Which does not go very well along with his scare of being seen "only" as sexual, I guess. I too have ideas that scare me - like the thought of him leaving me because he does not feel loved.
 
I too have my insecurites - fear of being judged for being "too" sexual is one of them. Which does not go very well along with his scare of being seen "only" as sexual, I guess. I too have ideas that scare me - like the thought of him leaving me because he does not feel loved.

And is he aware of all this?

Galagirl
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

[*]Are you asking me to tell you why I am with you and what I see in you? If so, I could try to list.
[/LIST]

when you ask me like "would you still have gotten together with me without my sex skills" it seems kinda "hinty" and seems to assume I'm a user. That bothers me because I have my own past relationship buttons that can be pushed. I could be taking it wrong and that might not be your intent. So... let's sort that out.

Could sort that out, and then could ask


"How would you like me to approach you next time we see each other? Would you welcome me flirting next time? Or initiating sex? I want to treat you the way you want to be treated, but I'm not sure now what you would like from my behavior toward you. I want to be with you, but I don't want to push buttons.
"​
l
Thanks for your practial approcah, Galagirl. I often give him compliments, or make him lists of things I like about him! He loves that. I even have like I special book that I made with 52 reasons (like a deck of cards), only I can not send it to him before he gets back from his family, but I think he will like it. And I also, right before he asked this question, we were talking about when we met and I gave him a lot of reasons why I was into him and still am. I guess I feel that he does not trust me...

I could talk to him about my own relationship buttons. There was really no time to do it laste we spoke, because we ended the Skype conversation quickly after he could get some sleep. I could make a point at talking to him about it tomorrow. He knows I had some bad stuff going with the ex (and really my other ex as well), but he does not know the specificities of that other than that I felt hurt from it. I guess if I want him to share, I must share first :rolleyes:

The last point will be the hardest I think. I guess it is my own bottons being pushed, together with the still fresh NRE and all the insecurites that may come from that ;). I suspect that I even before this felt a bit hurt that he was not initiating sex for some time, even though he always says he misses to be with me. And I was like putting it on hold since I knew he was busy with his family, but I long for him too. It could be that he is not so keen on doing it online anymore because it makes him miss me more, I don't know. Still it feels so awkward and I feel really rejected now nwhich will make it hard to raise the subject next time. It is a little bit like I don't want to see him anymore ever :mad:(a bit dramatic, I will come to my senses), it makes me angry just to think about it, I will have to work on turning myself around enough to be able to talk :(
 
And is he aware of all this?

Galagirl
you are right in implying I should tell him more about myself. But the truth is that he has made me feel so very secure, especially sexually-wise, which is probably why I am a bit shocked right now. But I guess we often learn about each other the hard way :eek:
 
Don't hurt him just because you are angry or upset. You have a long term committed relationship and he doesn't. In other words, he has no safety net if you hurt him by being angry and upset and give him the silent treatment, while you have a husband. You're the one trying to graft him into your existing relationship so he feels unrooted, especially given his mono leanings.
 
Also, it has occurred to me that you aren't supposed to validate him. You're just supposed to be honest, caring, supportive, and loving, and your emotional response appears to be dishonest, uncaring, and hurtful, which might be easier but is in now way going to help him.

You want him to feel secure and loved? Then tell him that you aren't using him and figure out your own feelings because it's not going to help him, or your relationship, if your first reaction is to hurt him by shutting him out.

Why do you feel hurt, anyway? Does it hurt you that I'm only talking to you because it makes me feel better? That I'm using you to understand how poly works from a mono perspective?
 
Don't hurt him just because you are angry or upset. You have a long term committed relationship and he doesn't. In other words, he has no safety net if you hurt him by being angry and upset and give him the silent treatment, while you have a husband. You're the one trying to graft him into your existing relationship so he feels unrooted, especially given his mono leanings.
I think you mis-understand me. I am well aware that I have a flare of the dramatic (or so my husband tells me). From our one and only fight so far I have learned that my BF reacts very badly to open conflict, so I will not initiate that. And I also think that silent treatment is bad form (I used to to it a lot in my early 20s, nothing good ever came from it), so I will aim at not doing that! My plan is to raise the issue calmly tomorrow. You are right that he does not have my kind of safety net and that he probably need to be "replanted" well. I will try to take a step beside myself.
 
Also, it has occurred to me that you aren't supposed to validate him. You're just supposed to be honest, caring, supportive, and loving, and your emotional response appears to be dishonest, uncaring, and hurtful, which might be easier but is in now way going to help him.

You want him to feel secure and loved? Then tell him that you aren't using him and figure out your own feelings because it's not going to help him, or your relationship, if your first reaction is to hurt him by shutting him out.
I belive I am honest, caring, supportive and loving, although he is the judge of how well I succed in showing those qualities the way he prefers them. All the things I have written there are things I did not say to thim, I did not even show him I was confused and sad, because he was already very emerged in this thoughts as well as tired. I told him I am not using him, that I love him very much and that I fell for him even before he kissed me the first time, all of which is true. My first reaction is to keep things by myself, talk to others that might help *doing it right now, and will talk to my husband before I go to sleep* and write in my journal. My second reaction of anger I guess is sort of me - in my head - trying to get back at him for getting me "emotional" (that was what I told him about how his question made me feel). I thanked him for asking me the question, because no matter how bad it is, I would still rather he share his thoughts with me, because I love him and want to get to know him a little more each day.
 
I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I'm glad you're not upset.
I am extremely upset! I feel he is pissing all over our love with his questions and his dobuts! He has managed to push some of my buttons in a way that can never be undone. Today I am angry. When I talk to him again tomorrow evening, I will hopefully have calmed down :p. Maybe we can use what happened today to get to know each other more. I realize we still have some talking to do, about lots of stuff.
 
Sex is a normal part of relationships. Your boyfriend should be happy that his skill in bed is part of the reason you fell for him. I don't understand this sex negative view that enjoying sex with someone is shallow or bad in any way.
 
You seem like you are on your way to cooling off. Kudos! :)

I'd like to lift these up....

I feel he is pissing all over our love with his questions and his dobuts!

How does him expressing doubt to you mean "he is pissing on our love? He could not mean "I feel safe enough in this relationship to disclose my vulnerable parts. I need reassuring" when he expresses these doubts to you?

What about his communication behavior was objectionable?
  • The timing?
  • The vocab choices?
  • The tone of voice?
  • That he had these feelings at all?
  • That he talked about this at all?

He has managed to push some of my buttons in a way that can never be undone.

Was he aware of your buttons? No. He does not seem to have dinged you on purpose.

Are you saying you will never forgive him for dinging you in places he was not aware were sore spots?

My second reaction of anger I guess is sort of me - in my head - trying to get back at him for getting me "emotional" (that was what I told him about how his question made me feel).

It cuts it fine, but you could note the BEHAVIOR done by WHO. Like if you played it out like a slow motion movie in your head.

He does not get you emotional. You feel whatever it is you feel. You HAVE emotions that you get to experience and express appropriately. Sometimes the internal weather is fun like sunny days and sometimes not so fun like stormy skies. Either way? They blow on through. Emotions are only internal weather.

After feeling X, whatever emotional management behavior you choose to do or do not do, is up to you.

  • His behavior: He asks you a question.
  • Your (thinking) behavior: You think he's judging you.
  • Your emotional feedback: You start to get mad when you think that he is judging you.
  • Next behavior you pick: You decide to get back at him

Is this behavior helping to keep your mad going or helping you to let the mad go?

Is this behavior
(destructive to the relationship) or (constructive to the relationship)?
If your shared goal is to become more secure and stable, how is that behavior you doing your part to help arrive at the goal?

There's no external conflict between you and BF at this point. He's simply asking you a question. You could answer it or not.

Where is the conflict? Internal conflict (inside you). I know it is hard to stay cool when you feel a WHOOSH! bubble up. Happens to all of us sooner or later. :eek:

But... still needs doing if you want to be in right relationship with your BF.

If you have baggage left over from an ex who used to judge you, you could decide to to do the work to let it go and drop it. Rather than carry it around and pile on your new BF's head. It seems to be getting in the way of being present and attending to whatever the BF brings up with good communication. That could take some work, but it could serve you better so you experience less inner conflict and communicate better with the BF in the long run.

Could remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and the feeling.

Could remember you are not your past, and HE is also not your past BF. :eek:

I hope you are able to cool off and tomorrow's talk is constructive.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Meh, I'd chalk it up to him being sleep deprived and you being sick. And you're just getting to know each other.

I second GG's reminder that we all are responsible for our own feelings.

On the other hand, it does suck to feel shamed for having a strong healthy libido. Hopefully your next talks will confirm your love for each other, and that wonderful sexy feelings are a part of that.
 
Sex is a normal part of relationships. Your boyfriend should be happy that his skill in bed is part of the reason you fell for him. I don't understand this sex negative view that enjoying sex with someone is shallow or bad in any way.
Yes I agree. I don't think it is like a philosophical view for him, he is a thinker but he is usually not this dark. Most days he is rather proud of his skills! The problem is his need for reassurrance. I am far, far away, I live with my husband, his relatives are asking all sorts of questions (because he is proud enough of me to bring up the subject) and he has a history of being in a mostly-sexual relationship that I think hurt his feelings (and he is a sensitive guy).
 
You seem like you are on your way to cooling off. Kudos! :)

I'd like to lift these up....

How does him expressing doubt to you mean "he is pissing on our love? He could not mean "I feel safe enough in this relationship to disclose my vulnerable parts. I need reassuring" when he expresses these doubts to you?

What about his communication behavior was objectionable?
  • The timing?
  • The vocab choices?
  • The tone of voice?
  • That he had these feelings at all?
  • That he talked about this at all?


Was he aware of your buttons? No. He does not seem to have dinged you on purpose.

Are you saying you will never forgive him for dinging you in places he was not aware were sore spots?

It cuts it fine, but you could note the BEHAVIOR done by WHO. Like if you played it out like a slow motion movie in your head.

He does not get you emotional. You feel whatever it is you feel. You HAVE emotions that you get to experience and express appropriately. Sometimes the internal weather is fun like sunny days and sometimes not so fun like stormy skies. Either way? They blow on through. Emotions are only internal weather.

After feeling X, whatever emotional management behavior you choose to do or do not do, is up to you.

  • His behavior: He asks you a question.
  • Your (thinking) behavior: You think he's judging you.
  • Your emotional feedback: You start to get mad when you think that he is judging you.
  • Next behavior you pick: You decide to get back at him

Is this behavior helping to keep your mad going or helping you to let the mad go?

Is this behavior
(destructive to the relationship) or (constructive to the relationship)?
If your shared goal is to become more secure and stable, how is that behavior you doing your part to help arrive at the goal?

There's no external conflict between you and BF at this point. He's simply asking you a question. You could answer it or not.

Where is the conflict? Internal conflict (inside you). I know it is hard to stay cool when you feel a WHOOSH! bubble up. Happens to all of us sooner or later. :eek:

But... still needs doing if you want to be in right relationship with your BF.

If you have baggage left over from an ex who used to judge you, you could decide to to do the work to let it go and drop it. Rather than carry it around and pile on your new BF's head. It seems to be getting in the way of being present and attending to whatever the BF brings up with good communication. That could take some work, but it could serve you better so you experience less inner conflict and communicate better with the BF in the long run.

Could remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and the feeling.

Could remember you are not your past, and HE is also not your past BF. :eek:

I hope you are able to cool off and tomorrow's talk is constructive.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
You are so very right. I should be honored that he displays his vounerability! I am, too... I tell him all the time to be honest with me. There comes a price with that, that I have to face whatever comes up from that. It is not really that I complain that he brought it up, it is just that I too was feeling a need for reassurance; That I am attractive, that he loves me, that I should get to take part in our future. Well, the timing could have been better! I too could take responsability to not talk as much when we are both not in the best shape.

He did not push my bottons on purpose. It was a reminder of past hurts that I was only half aware of myself. He is aware of my one botton that is fear that he will leave me for being poly, because I have told him, he always says he will never do that. But I feel sometimes so very helpless, that what I do is never ever enough. My husband told me today it is not all my responsability. My boyfriend has to do some of the walk alone... It helps to remember that.

I guess I have been happy feeling most of the time that we don't have "any problems" (apart from our one quarrel before). Maybe I should snap out of the honeymoon phase and just realize there will be emotional work here, as with any other relationship. I know what he does and my reacations are not the same thing... I just want to feel like he takes care of me, because he has done so, wonderfully, so far... But perhaps this one is on me, because of his fears I have to help him, whatever I can.

I am more sad than angry today. I realize parts of these feelings have to do with things he has not done and maybe I should not bring it to his attention either. He seemed happy on the phone a while ago, so maybe he got his answers. Anyway I look forward to Skyping with him again.
 
Meh, I'd chalk it up to him being sleep deprived and you being sick. And you're just getting to know each other.

I second GG's reminder that we all are responsible for our own feelings.

On the other hand, it does suck to feel shamed for having a strong healthy libido. Hopefully your next talks will confirm your love for each other, and that wonderful sexy feelings are a part of that.
Thanks for the reminder. I will try to be responsible for my feelings... Re-read my Non-Violent Communication-book, perhaps! (actually what I did was go online and buy the "Being me, loving you"-leaflet by Marshall Rosenberg, because a friend said it helped her in her relationship).

Oh, the shame I have felt in previous relationships is mostly not even over having a strong libido (though I do), it is more a...shame of not being ashamed. People getting angry at me for themselves getting turned on.

I think I will bring up with him our flirting because I realize we could talk more about what we prefer, individually, and how we could perhaps do it. Strangely enough I think I will be more comfortable talking about it with him now, because I am made aware of my shame-button, so I won't risk it being pushed out of the blue anymore.
 
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