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Old 01-31-2012, 05:03 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Posts: 373
Default Playing favorites with metamours?

Has anyone dealt with feelings of opposition to your partner's new interest due to having really liked a previous one they have or had?

My husband had met a woman about a year ago that he really clicked with and unfortunately, she and her primary ended up having to relocate very far away for her partner's job. He still talks to her and really likes her. There has been talks of visits either here or there. She and I have established a really good line of communication. I like her quite a bit.

Husband had a rough time finding someone new locally after Happy moved and recently begun seeing RB. A month of talking and now a month of dating; he has so far enjoyed her company and intimacy. I've only briefly met her and found nothing unsettling in their interactions that he has shared or about her demeanor in the brief moment I've been around her. I don't know enough about her to have issue with her on any front.
He has asked her to come hang out at some point in the next couple weeks for a get to know you thing. I had no problem with this when it was time to do the same with Happy. Yet, I feel really un-enthused over doing the same with this new woman. I did not expect to be all pouty and have childish thoughts like "I like Happy and don't want to get to know someone new grumble grumble.....". I'm worried I will be standoffish and that's not fair.

I know is dumb and may even sound ridiculous. I'm trying to figure out what the root of this emotion is and how to get around it. I suppose I should just give her a shot and just stop thinking so negatively because I might feel different afterwards. I guess I just never expected to being playing favorites with metamours.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:33 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Location: Australia
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I agree. Give her a shot.
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Old 02-01-2012, 05:54 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 669

Not in a poly situation but I have experienced something similar recently.

A family member of mine had a long relationship with a really lovely girl. After they split up, they remained close friends and we all hoped they'd get back together again.

Anyway - they didn't and eventually, my family member turned up with another girlfriend. I had the same feelings of not being that keen to meet her, a bit guilty about maybe liking her, worried about what the effect would be if I didn't like her (she's very keen to be part of our family and very upfront that she's looking for a marriage and kids).

I have met her now and I really like her. She's just lovely - as lovely as the last girlfriend. She lives close to me and we are becoming friends.

My only real sadness about the whole situation is new gf feels very threatened by the last gf - totally the fault of my family member! His handling of the situation sucks.

(I quietly hope that she ends things with my family member and finds somebody who is as keen to marry and have children as she is - she and I can be friends regardless of whether or not she is in a relationship with a member of my family).
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Old 02-01-2012, 06:28 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Thanks for sharing the family acceptance angle; it really helped me to put it in that context because its a more familiar one to me. And I do think part of it is a worry that Happy will fade with the emergence of RB. I know she worries about things like what her being in the mix might hinder or cause strain. If she were to get even a whiff that smelled like her connection with him or I was making it hard for anyone, she would pull back.

The other part is when Husband met Happy, he was always letting me know things she and I had in common and it is quite a bit. I'm getting none of that with RB, in fact the opposite. This makes me expect the meet up to be awkward and silent; Happy and I just jumped in with our common interests and it was awesome.
That our kids are the same age actually makes me stress that I'll be pressured to put the kids together and without knowing where her and Husband's relationship will go so soon out of the gate. They've already begun to plan rated PG day dates that the boys could go on too that hearing about made my blood turn cold. I'd hate to see the kids get on really well only to have that end because the 'rents and their weird poly stuff got in the way. But me refusing just sounds like I see her as just a flash in the pan thing for Husband and see no point. And admittedly, that isn't a completely false assumption for her to have.

I think I may have just stumbled onto what I want to talk about during our meet up. It might still be awkward but at least it won't be silent.
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