Turnabout

Monday was the counselor's appointment and.... he ditched out. :(

He says he was scared. Then he says he wants a female counselor, not a male (I got the male because he was the only one in the practice who takes my husband's insurance, and they got us in so quickly! I thought it would do for starters, just to check him out, anyway. Oh well.). I'm not sure if I'll make another appointment -- it doesn't take much to make a few calls, himself, if he's serious. I was embarrassed to cancel the last one at the last HOUR. :mad:

He's staying away tonight again, and I am looking forward to another Wednesday night of peace with the kiddos. :) I love focusing on them! I am such a better mom these days!

I'm struggling with a lot of the grieving process, mourning the loss of the DREAM, maybe more than the loss of what we actually HAD. But that is still very painful. Sometimes I fly into a rage. So I try to keep my communication with him to a minimum. I recently asked him if we can write e-mails, instead of texting back and forth. We tend to lob insults and get little digs and barbs in while texting. Plus there are auto-corrects and misspellings that often turn things into jabberwocky! E-mails are more thought-out. He agreed to try this and see. :rolleyes:

Love to all.
 
Monday was the counselor's appointment and.... he ditched out. :(

He says he was scared. Then he says he wants a female counselor, not a male

Bullshit. He's just told you that he is completely done and your marriage is not worth his time or effort.

Hugs!
 
Monday was the counselor's appointment and.... he ditched out. :(

... I'm not sure if I'll make another appointment -- it doesn't take much to make a few calls, himself, if he's serious. I was embarrassed to cancel the last one at the last HOUR. :mad:

That totally sucks and speaks volumes of his lack of commitment to doing anything to make things work or heal between you. Fuck, I'd be royally pissed! But why didn't you go by yourself?
 
That totally sucks and speaks volumes of his lack of commitment to doing anything to make things work or heal between you. Fuck, I'd be royally pissed! But why didn't you go by yourself?

I second both of those thoughts!

Also, lots of counselors still charge you if you don't give them 24 hours notice. Next time, just go yourself.

Letting go of sarcastic passive-aggressive barbs and asides is a good idea.
 
Sorry sweets. ((HUGS))

I agree with the ladies, though, that a counselor might be something really good for you personally to help you deal with the feelings and situation you are in constructively and have somebody objective who can listen and offer you the support you need right now to focus on yourself and your kids.

Maybe he's thinking he can charm the female therapist and that a male therapist wouldn't be swayed by his usual moves. :-O

And I agree with Mags that barbs and snipes aren't helping you at all. It just fuels the emotions/thoughts and keeps you in the circle of emotions that keep you feeling upset.

Maybe it's time to just keep the communication to the practical matters for a little bit and give yourself a rest for a little bit.
 
Oh hon. I'm sorry there's more drama. Yes, I agree with SNeacail, it does seem like an indication that he's done with the marriage.

But you would get a lot out of counseling. Look at all the work you've already done on yourself! I urge you to go to one even if Sundance never does.

If he wants to set up an appointment, it might be worth trying, especially if that would help the two of you dissolve the marriage amiciably. But otherwise, yet another instance to move on past, sweetie.
 
Gosh... if you have a desire to give it another shot...any chance you can find a lesbian poly friendly counselor in your area...be curious when he canceled last minute because he wanted a STRAIGHT female counselor...

The first visit is always the hardest, but you could probably get so much perspective bouncing things off of a neutral third party I am sure it would be worth it.
 
Hi Carma,
I spent about half an hour composing a post for you last night (around 4am, sleep-deprivation crazy - and after a 3-week absenteeism from Internet), and while I was previewing it I managed to close the window and everything got lost. Perhaps just as well...

Tonight (actually it's past 6am now, but I haven't got to bed yet) I've just read that SK bunked out on a counselling session (I haven't got 100% up-to-date, but I caught that). Just wanted to add my vote to the general concensus of opinion:

a) That REALLY sucks!

b) You should have gone ahead and used the session for yourself. As Magdlyn's pointed out, the fee probably won't be returned, cancelling at such short notice. [And after all the energy that you (singular) have put into trying to adapt to SK + trying to find a healthy solution for the BOTH of you (plural), it would only have been poetic justice for SK's insurance coverage to have paid for some personal counselling for yourself (singular).]

I gather that you were worried that SK might unleash his charm on the counsellor* and that you might come off as a neurotic. For a start, you DON'T need to worry about stuff like that. For one thing, a good counsellor should be able to see through crap like that. For another thing, if SK wants to wallow in his own shit, there's not TOO much that you can do about it... except to decide: "Do I wallow in his shit with him, or do I deal with my OWN shit?" (And there are more productive ways of dealing with shit than wallowing in it.)

Anyway, if you (singular or plural) decide to make another appointment, make sure you (singular) keep it whether SK does or not. Let his insurance pick up the tab.

Got to pat you on the back with how you dealt with SK on the 'phone when he called from his sleep-over! Frankly, I can't imagine you having done it that well a couple of months ago. There's hope for you yet, Carma!:rolleyes::p:);)

BTW, that's my hug in the pile of everybody else's on the chair in the spare room: mine's the frayed-looking purple one (sloppy but warm).

---

* Obviously he reckons that he has more chance of charming a female counsellor than a male one.
 
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Oh, Carma!
Have just read some more, still not got to bed...

I DO wish that I (and others) didn't have to keep pointing out this stuff to you. You so want SK to turn out to be the enchanted (and enchanting) prince that you're not looking the truth straight in the eye: that you kissed an amphibian 13 years ago. And I'm sorry, Honey, but he wasn't even a frog... he was a toad.

Let me give you just THREE examples:

a) You go off to visit your daughters in NY. Before going, you ask SK not to take Barbie to see your house (or your children) while you're away. You actually WANT to form a friendship with Barbie... but all in it's own time, not until you're ready. (And besides, if she's going to come to your home, you should be there.) SK tidies up the place BEFORE heading out to see Barbie and then she "begs" him to show her the house (and even peek through the windows to see if she can catch a glimpse of your/his children.)

b) He tells you that it's OK for you to get back together with Butch. He's fine with that. Then when you do, he tells you that you've really let him down, and that he can't make love to you any more. (It's YOUR fault. You drove this poor man into another woman's arms. If YOU weren't such a mess, you could both be happy together. ["Buy your tickets here for the guilt trip!"])

c) One MORNING, before leaving for work, SK makes sure that he's packed his shaving kit and hair-drier. ("See you tonight, Babes. Looking forward to an evening with you and the kids!") Then - at 4:30pm - he TEXTS (not calls) you to say that he's "running late" and won't make it home that night. (Oh, he calls later to say that he's staying at a hotel... and that Barbie's going to be coming around.)

Sounds an AWFUL lot to me, like he was running right on time and right on track... but HIS track: one laid well in advance and that doesn't care if it sideswipes the foundations of your house.

And STILL you fantacise that this toad is going to turn into some amazingly wonderful prince and that you and he and Barbie and Butch are going to live happily ever after!

Carma, people CAN change. Even SK is not beyond the chance of redemption. But for him to change, he has to WANT to change... and put in some HARD work and face up to some pretty ugly truths about himself and about his extreme lack of consideration for your feelings. He has to WANT to stop lying. And even more, he has to have to stop trying to make YOU feel guilty for his piss-pathetic inability to deal with HIS shit.

He says he loves you, that he'd rather be with you than with Barbie? Then why the hell isn't he willing to put in the work to turn himself into the kind of person that you can respect and trust? Why does he play crooked games, and then call YOU an ice-princess for not loving His Royal Toadness? Why isn't he capable of showing up for a counselling session which MIGHT have been the first step to salvaging your marriage? (Or ending it healthily...) Why does he ridicule you for getting moral support from this forum?

Take a look out your backdoor and tell me if you see any magic wands growing on that tree out there. If not, I don't hold out much hope.

Consider the possibility that there just might just be "a Beauty in Walking Away"...

And pay attention to this woman, please!:
Hon,

Diddlysquat has changed. I want you to consider something.

Barbie is totally irrelevant. She doesn't matter. Why? Because if she wasn't in the picture, there would be some other poor sod of a woman. She's the excuse for the behavior, not the cause. She is not who you need to be talking with. You need to talk with Sundance. And I'm not seeing that happening. Rather, he seems to be putting everything on you - you change and I'll be fine. You do this - give up Butch and I'll be happy. Go back to Butch and I'll be happy. Psych! No I won't be happy.

Don't waste your time and mental energy on Barbie - and not because she's evil or undeserving.
Good stuff. Tough love. You know that you've got LOTS of good people on your team, Carma. So watcha doin' wastin' yer time wid losers???
 
OK, I actually got into bed at about 9am (2 1/2 hours ago), shut my eyes and probably even dozed off for a while. Was back on my feet at 10am. Sometime I'm going to have to pay for all this missing sleep.

Having at least RESTED, I've calmed down a lot, and repeat the standards:

a) We're only hearing (reading) your side of the story. Maybe SK isn't as bad as you make him out to be.

b) It takes 2 to tango.

I think it would take a hell of an imagination to invent all that stuff you write about. And what would be the point? Are you a cynic getting your rocks off on tying up polys' energy in pointless invented scenarios? I choose to think not. I choose to think that you're on the level, telling the truth... AT LEAST as you see it.

But I do think that you bear some responsibility for everything that's been going on. If everything happens as you describe it, you've been an enabler. You allow SK to treat you as he does. You even encourage it. Asking to see his text communications with Barbie and the photos that she sent him. Or even AGREEING to see them if he offered to show you them. You write that you suffer from seeing that stuff. And SK MUST notice that you suffer, unless he's COMPLETELY autistic. So by agreeing to have a look at it, you're putting yourself in a position where he can watch you suffer. I don't know whether he gloats about that, or reckons that he's getting his just dues for whatever "suffering" you caused HIM in the past (or now). Maybe he's so high on NRE that he really DOESN'T notice you suffering.

But you know it, Carma.

So why do you play the game, hmm?

Why do you hand a box of matches to someone who's either an arsonist (criminal) or a pyromaniac (psychological problem)... while you're wearing a little synthetic number that would go up in a whoosh... and melt onto your skin while burning?

As I said, there's hope for you yet. Cutting his sob-story [about how he was missing you and the children during his overnight] off and telling him to enjoy it was a real step in the right direction. Having a good time with your kids while he was on the overnight with Barbie was [among other positive aspects] an act of self-appreciation and self-love. Keep up the good work.

You know, it's just POSSIBLE that if you refuse to play his crooked game, if you refuse to enable, he MIGHT "straighten up and fly right", there MIGHT be a future for you together. But I think that it's a slim straw, and you shouldn't obsess on it, because it won't necessarily (or even probably - unless [as I earlier wrote] he puts in a heavy load of work on himself) work out that way. What's for certain is that if you keep handing him the matches before he learns to deal with them responsibly, you're going to get burned.

My hunch is that you're not going to get someone who treats you with respect, until you realise that you DESERVE to be respected. And that means respecting yourself.

:eek::);):eek: + another hug.
 
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Mr. FFR, I feel like I don't need to blog for awhile -- you spoke volumes of the truth in my situation. I am humbled and in awe, and I have to let it all sink in.

Last night I guess Sundance was ON the forum, because I have a "friend request" from him. I can't say if he read a thing or not, I don't know. But I guess it was a small attempt to show me he logged on, anyway.

I don't think I can go alone to the counselor, because I AM NOT ON THE INSURANCE POLICY. :mad: (This is a huge resentment of mine, that we were taken off the policy, but I don't really want to go into that right now.) But -- I am still going to call and find a female, and see if this time, he'll go. Someone told me it's like trying to fix my own car, or taking it straight to the dump, instead of taking it to a mechanic to see if it can be fixed.

Good grief, if I could just keep my cool.

He was gone last night and I did really well. I had a great night with the kids and did pretty well not obsessing over where he was or what he was doing or with whom. I guess it helped that he was completely silent on his end, so there was nothing to stir me up, except....the strange eerie lack of his chaos! Ha! You know, you get used to that chaos, too, even if it's unhealthy. All change is an adjustment, even good change. :rolleyes:

I have to stop my brain from going from, "Wow, he's respecting my wishes, to give me some space, upholding the DADT agreement" to "He is just so enthralled with what he's doing, he's just not thinking of me because he's madly in love, or lust, and doesn't really give a shit about me anymore." EITHER ONE is a danger zone -- if I think he's being respectful, I feel gratitude. But then I think, I'm being a total fool, I'm delusional, he's not respectful, he's just having his jollies! And then I feel rejected and abandoned and MAD. Sooooo -- what I realize is, it's bad, bad, bad, to go there at all. I have to stay in my own head and stop trying to imagine what's going on in Sundance's. Well, isn't that something NEW??? For the past 13 years, my entire world has depended on anticipating Sundance's reactions! I have been so codependent, I don't know how else to be. He was extremely codependent on me, too -- and now he's being codependent with someone else! Such a huge change.

Thanks everyone for being so patient and kind with me. :eek: Getting through the denial is an agonizing process. Getting back to me is taking a lot of work. I had practically disappeared. Now I feel so tiny sometimes. :( And there's no one here to make me feel protected. Funny, there never really was!
 
I don't think I can go alone to the counselor, because I AM NOT ON THE INSURANCE POLICY. :mad: (This is a huge resentment of mine, that we were taken off the policy, but I don't really want to go into that right now.) But -- I am still going to call and find a female, and see if this time, he'll go. Someone told me it's like trying to fix my own car, or taking it straight to the dump, instead of taking it to a mechanic to see if it can be fixed.

...

I have to stop my brain from going from, "Wow, he's respecting my wishes, to give me some space, upholding the DADT agreement" to "He is just so enthralled with what he's doing, he's just not thinking of me because he's madly in love, or lust, and doesn't really give a shit about me anymore." EITHER ONE is a danger zone -- if I think he's being respectful, I feel gratitude. But then I think, I'm being a total fool, I'm delusional, he's not respectful, he's just having his jollies! And then I feel rejected and abandoned and MAD. Sooooo -- what I realize is, it's bad, bad, bad, to go there at all. I have to stay in my own head and stop trying to imagine what's going on in Sundance's. Well, isn't that something NEW??? For the past 13 years, my entire world has depended on anticipating Sundance's reactions! I have been so codependent, I don't know how else to be. He was extremely codependent on me, too -- and now he's being codependent with someone else! Such a huge change.

... Getting back to me is taking a lot of work. I had practically disappeared. Now I feel so tiny sometimes. :( And there's no one here to make me feel protected. Funny, there never really was!

Carma,

Give yourself credit - you realized what was happening and are acting accordingly. I'm sure it is agonizing but you 'read' very differently - in good ways - from when this first started and now. That 2nd paragraph represents so much work and growth on your part. Recognize that! (*pats Carma on back*)

And you are not tiny - you have your own back. Honestly, you are the only person that will ever watch out for you consistently (unless one is extremely lucky AND blessed).
 
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Wait a minute! Are you saying ... >:-(

He fucking took you off his insurance???!!!!

Please tell me I've misunderstood what happened. What balls! I'd fucking change the locks on him if he did that to me. I am furious for you!! Even as angry as my husband was at me, he made sure not to leave me without insurance. I just can't fathom anyone being that vindictive...
 
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I don't think I can go alone to the counselor, because I AM NOT ON THE INSURANCE POLICY. :mad: (This is a huge resentment of mine, that we were taken off the policy, but I don't really want to go into that right now.) But -- I am still going to call and find a female, and see if this time, he'll go. Someone told me it's like trying to fix my own car, or taking it straight to the dump, instead of taking it to a mechanic to see if it can be fixed.
[...]
I have to stop my brain from going from, "Wow, he's respecting my wishes, to give me some space, upholding the DADT agreement" to "He is just so enthralled with what he's doing, he's just not thinking of me because he's madly in love, or lust, and doesn't really give a shit about me anymore." EITHER ONE is a danger zone -- if I think he's being respectful, I feel gratitude. But then I think, I'm being a total fool, I'm delusional, he's not respectful, he's just having his jollies! And then I feel rejected and abandoned and MAD. Sooooo -- what I realize is, it's bad, bad, bad, to go there at all. I have to stay in my own head and stop trying to imagine what's going on in Sundance's. Well, isn't that something NEW??? For the past 13 years, my entire world has depended on anticipating Sundance's reactions! I have been so codependent, I don't know how else to be. He was extremely codependent on me, too -- and now he's being codependent with someone else! Such a huge change.
Something I meant to say in one of those earlier posts, but didn't manage to: You have a TERRIBLE habit of trying to second-guess SK (sometimes imagining really sinister, twisted reasons for everything he does and says [and even when it wasn't him: remember the lotion in the Victoria's Secret bag]; and sometimes hoping/wishing/believing that it'll all have a fairy-tale happy end for you ["Wow, he's respecting my wishes, to give me some space, upholding the DADT agreement"]).

Trying to undersand somebody else' motives and wishes is pretty healthy, especially if that person is a key person in your life. But all through this thread, I've got the impression that you take it (took it?) beyond that healthy interest and caring and onto an obsessive level. My gut feeling here and please forgive me if I'm wrong. But you seem(ed?) to be twisting up your emotions focussing on understanding SK, when you might have spent that energy better on yourself. [The question marks are because I'm really hoping that you're moving forward from that kind of behaviour.]

And now you're doing a bit of the same with the counsellor. There's nothing that you can do about the past, missed session. But please just consider the following for the next time.

You (and the children???) aren't covered on SK's health insurance plan. At least not to the degree of your being able to get counselling for just yourself. But you're not making an appointment for just yourself. And - apparently - SK's coverage extends to counselling sessions for the two of you.

So go ahead (in conjunction with SK if possible) and set up a new appointment. Then - if SK bottles out again an hour before (or two hours or whatever) - the next step depends on whether he cancels the appointment himself or leaves that responsibility up to you. In the former case, you have to get on the 'phone to the counsellor yourself ASAP. In the second case, you have 2 options. You either call in advance to explain the situation or you wait and show up at the appointed time to explain it face-to-face. Disadvantage of dealing with it by 'phone is that you'll possibly be dealing with the secretary and not directly with the counsellor.

Whether over the 'phone or in person, I suggest something along the lines of:

"This session is supposed to be for my husband and myself together. And it's his health insurance paying for it. But he got cold feet at the last minute and decided not to come. And I'm afraid that this isn't the first time. However, I have issues to deal with, I'm trying to work out a healthy future for myself, my children - and my husband if he gets his act together. I would appreciate it if we could hold this session anyway; and you'll be getting paid for it whether we do or we don't. If your professional ethics won't allow you to charge this solo session with me to my husband's insurance, then I can turn around right now and walk out, no damage done and I undersand your decision completely.

"BUT a) I really could use the counselling and I can't afford to pay for it; and b) I'm hoping that when my husband hears that I'm going through with this with or without him, he might make more of an effort to show up the next time."

Who knows, Carma, you might just find that you've stumbled across a counsellor who also happens to be a caring human being. What have you got to lose if you give it at least a try? (What have you got to gain if you don't try?) We can often surprise ourselves by finding bits of human kindness all around.

Of COURSE, the best would be if SK doesn't bottle out again. (His insurance company might get a TRIFLE peeved with him if he makes a habit of that.) The best would be if he goes with you. I just throw that other screenplay at you just in case...
 
He fucking took you off his insurance???!!!!

Please tell me I've misunderstood what happened. What balls! I'd fucking change the locks on him if he did that to me. I am furious for you!! Even as angry as my husband was at me, he made sure not to leave me without insurance. I just can't fathom anyone being that vindictive...

We, she said we. As in, she and the kids don't have health insurance through him or his job?
 
Sundance's boss is eccentric. Sundance is the president, and when he came on he set up the insurance for himself as a family policy. There was no discussion of this, it was just something Sundance did and didn't really give it much thought -- I mean, OF COURSE the president of your company has his family insured, RIGHT??? Duh????

Two years ago, Sundance heard that his boss MAY be auditing the insurance accounts, and that he only wants employees on the policies and NOT their families. (WHICH I think is not even legal -- ?) Instead of WAITING for his crazy boss to have the AUDACITY to come to him and say, "Hey, I want your family off the policy," to which Sundance could reply very straightforwardly, "OH. I see. So you don't want to take care of my FAMILY? I guess I will have to look for another job then...." he took us off the policy.

Now, it's my guess that:
A) his boss wouldn't have really done this to him, and
B) if Sundance had stood up to him, he would have said, "Oh, no no no! I don't want to lose you, you're my right hand man, OF COURSE I want to provide for your family!" I mean, what kind of an asshole asks a long-time, EXCELLENT employee and the PRESIDENT of his multi-million dollar company, to throw his family into the abyss??? SERIOUSLY???? It's too expensive to insure our family, really????

I've been furious about this. Sundance signed us up for self-pay insurance, then didn't pay the premium. He'd sign us up for another one, auto-deduct, then not have the money in the account the day it was due to be withdrawn. The premiums were high, the deductibles were ridiculous, it was a giant hole of nonsense. Even just catastrophic, for three pretty healthy people, was too much. I realize health care is a nightmare in this country, but this did not have to happen. I still don't understand why Sundance did this to us. :(

He says "I know my boss, you don't." Actually, he has a very dysfunctional relationship with his boss. There is bad communication, both ways. (Geez, do I even need to go into all of this?) Suffice it to say, there is no real job security here, because the boss doesn't do anything the conventional way, everything is spoken word, nothing in writing, sketchy, temperamental, AND his company is 2 hours away from our home! The JOB has been a major factor of our marital problems. And Sundance is too afraid to look for anything else. We've struggled through this nightmare our entire marriage. I know Sun has self-worth issues, and that's why I understood and tolerated so much of the problems. But I have begged him to look, just LOOK for something else, and he NEVER has.

YES, Mr., I DO second-guess the hell out of Sundance, and other people!!! I grew up in an alcoholic home, dysfunction was our middle name!!!! I am aware of this, and I'm trying to do better. I'm glad you noticed!!! Sometimes I will immediately jump to worst-case scenarios, just so I can anticipate the worst. This is pretty typical behavior when dealing with alcoholism, from what I've learned and heard from others in similar situations. It's very unhealthy and it can really fuck up your relationships. Sometimes I'll mess things up, rather than wait for someone else to do it (even if they WEREN'T going to!) -- then at least I'm in control, see?? Weird, I know.

Sundance's lies have tapped into some of my biggest fears. Trust is so fragile when you have a history of people's unpredictable, erratic behavior. His has been erratic, all across the board, EXCEPT his love for me, that was the one thing I did believe in. So when he:
A) falls in love with someone else, and
B) lies about it
I am left in some crazy turmoil, you know???? Whether I brought this on myself, a victim of my own doing, or he is a horrible monster, my black-and-white, extremist mentality is trying to figure it out. Not fair. He's being a jerk, I don't think there's any doubt about that, but yes, I can be a self-sabotageing little brat, myself. I know, sometimes I play absolute victim, and paint him as abject evil. He has been reckless and irresponsible, but I'm not sure what my part in everything has been. Because I've taken on A LOT more responsibility for his behaviors than I ever should have -- and NOT ENOUGH responsibility for my own!!!

Finally, time to change. I want to do it all overnight. Doesn't work that way, does it?
 
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Two years ago, Sundance heard that his boss MAY be auditing the insurance accounts, and that he only wants employees on the policies and NOT their families. (WHICH I think is not even legal -- ?) Instead of WAITING for his crazy boss to have the AUDACITY to come to him and say, "Hey, I want your family off the policy," to which Sundance could reply very straightforwardly, "OH. I see. So you don't want to take care of my FAMILY? I guess I will have to look for another job then...." he took us off the policy.

Your right it would NOT be legal to remove family members from insurance policies. However, the company doesn't have to pay for said family members and is within their rights to request payment from each employee for family members. When the company gets the renewals (and monthly bills), it is broken down by each employee and subsequent family members, so to say the boss didn't know before hand is bullshit. Even if he did change his mind and only want to pay for the employee, all he would have to do is have a payroll deduction for the difference. It is WAY cheaper to be on a company policy, where the boss pays even a partial amount than purchasing individual insurance.

Talk about being petty and out for revenge of some kind. That this happened two years ago, says that you two have had some SERIOUS issues for a long time.
 
Oh, also -- Sundance told me yesterday that he read through this whole blog. "ALL 48 pages of it" (or however many there are), he said, implying that my blogging has been EXCESSIVE.

I'm not entirely sure he read everything, who knows? Probably scanned it, at least. I must admit, it's a lot of material. :rolleyes: But it's our LIFE, I would think he'd find it somewhat worth reading?!?! More so than, say, PEOPLE MAGAZINE, huh???

He said, "I'm going to go on there and set things straight. The LIES on there...." Just so you know, he just may show up to expose me as the complete bullshitter I really am.... :eek: Fine with me. May the REAL Sundance, please stand up???

Actually, I feel snarky for saying that. :( I do wish he'd come here. But not with that defensive motive/mentality. I wish he'd calmly and humbly come and ask for understanding. I have sure found that, here. I am sorry he didn't participate, all along -- things could have gone better. Now, yes, he will have to get through some amount of pre-judging, but I guess he underestimates the intelligence and the compassion of you all!

I am SORRY this is only ONE SIDE of the story -- it's the only side I've got. If I've misrepresented some things, it's my viewpoint -- but I've TRIED to see things from other people's perspective, DUH, that's part of why I'm here. If he read through the posts, he would have seen how often people do try to give him the benefit of the doubt, how often people here have called me out on my shit!!!

But if I've misrepresented him, and that hurts him, I feel terrible about that. :( I know I've taken liberties to expose a lot of his weaknesses and his mistakes and his shortcomings, and we've all taken his inventory damn good, haven't we? :confused: But this is my story, and I've got a right to it. I'm sorry he never wanted to come and offer his voice. We've all been sorry about that!

And one important thing -- this is ANONYMOUS, right?! Sheesh! I'm not publishing it in the local newspaper, with real names.
 
Aw, sweetie. Suckage mas grande. :-\

So since books are my thing I'm gonna recommend one for you, that might help you with working through things in your head a little.

It's called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie

My completely unsolicited thoughts based on nothing more than words on a page (ha, ha) is that because of the way you were raised, you work on the premise of waiting for the other shoe to drop and alternating between trying to keep it from happening and making it happen so that the anxiety from waiting stops.

SK still reminds me a lot of the ADHD stuff (things like not having insurance for the fam and meaning to, and making plans and not paying, etc etc etc) but that really doesn't matter one way or another at this point. What does matter is that you need to break away from the dynamic you have with him, and have had with others in your past, and learn how to focus on you and what you need. This book is good at telling you ways to do that and making patterns you may have more obvious so you can catch them in action.

I'm also thinking MAYBE something like Alanon might help? I know a few people that have gone through them to deal with codependency issues and considering your past you may very well find people that understand and can help. And it's FREE! :)

And damn it stop kicking yourself for being a mess, join the damn club! :) I'm finding we are all a mess in one way or another. It's a universal truth. The lie is the way we all pretend we're not and think we're the only ones pretending and everybody else is really all pulled together.
 
I am SORRY this is only ONE SIDE of the story -- it's the only side I've got. If I've misrepresented some things, it's my viewpoint -- but I've TRIED to see things from other people's perspective, DUH, that's part of why I'm here. If he read through the posts, he would have seen how often people do try to give him the benefit of the doubt, how often people here have called me out on my shit!!!

But if I've misrepresented him, and that hurts him, I feel terrible about that. :( I know I've taken liberties to expose a lot of his weaknesses and his mistakes and his shortcomings, and we've all taken his inventory damn good, haven't we? :confused: But this is my story, and I've got a right to it. I'm sorry he never wanted to come and offer his voice. We've all been sorry about that!

And one important thing -- this is ANONYMOUS, right?! Sheesh! I'm not publishing it in the local newspaper, with real names.


Here's the thing. All of our stories are one-sided. All of our opinions are ours alone. the way we see situations and events can ONLY be from our own pespective. So duh. :)

Nobody here takes anybody's word on things, but they try to see alternate sides and give opinions. And yes, your shit has been called repeatedly!

If he truly wants to be understood, he needs to understand that this is from your perspective and try to show you his perspective. It's not about "defending" one's self or "proving" anything. It's about communicating, and empathy and putting yourself in the other person's shoes so you can try to see where they're coming from. This board can be a jumping off point to meaningful conversation, it doesn't have to be a he said/she said thing unless somebody wants to take it that way.

This site is totally anonymous, however my own feeling is that people often don't like to see things that they've done or said in actual print because it causes them to have to really look at the events and prevents them from playing the little head games we all do so that we can avoid really looking at our own actions and how they affect somebody else.
 
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