Confusion in the marriage

keiokaki

New member
I am polyamorous i was a poly before i knew what a poly was. I've always known I could love two people equally and at the same time and always thought i was strange for this. Recently I have been able to get my husband to someone understand and consider the possibility. He says he's fine with it and he thinks it oculd be fun and he trusts me and all that jazz but i still don't know. Knowing that a polyamorous life style is possible makes me feel happy, complete and validated. I feel like there is a part of me that I can finally express but am afraid that my hsuband is only considering it for me and that it will cause a problem with in our marriage. I'm not sure what to do and I don't know how to get his true feelings about it out of him. sigh i just don't know what i'm doing. I've read everything i can to try and figure out how to talk to him but all the things i wanna say keep circling in my head and are hard to get out.
 
I absolutely love the concern you have for your husband:D Obviously you value sustaining what you have. Perhaps having him read the stories of people online will help "put him in the headspace" of people who have similar experiences.

I remember giving my ex wife total support in exploring a relationship with another woman. The night she spent there was the longest and hardest in our relationship for me to the point of physical illness. I got caught up in the sexual aspect and didn't really think it through. She never pushed enough to get beyond my horny thought pattern LOL!

Eventually you will have to trust in what he is saying but I would explore this topic with him extensively before acting on it. Some things cannot be taken back. If a love's energy changes they are almost helpless to recover sometimes. You are doing the right thing with the right approach though I think...he obviously loves you a great deal. People often humble me in so many ways on here.

Take care.
 
I found that something that really helps me to get my thoughts out is to keep a journal, because I can release my thoughts w/o interuption or distraction that can come from a spoken conversation. Maybe sharing your written thoughts with your husband will help? And then you can discuss afterward? I think it is wonderful that you desire to be so open w/ him. Good luck finding the medium that works best for both of you.
 
Thank you both i needed the opinions of others, he told me he is second guessing cause our sexual trails had all ended bad but i explained to him that this isn't even about sex and that if he ever had a problem with anything that was it, he makes all the final desicions, because i don't ever wantto force him to do something for me. He said he's going to think about it and i told him that we wouldn't try seriously finding anyone till he was comfrontable and that he should ytry reading some things, lol thats all i've been doing today is reading
 
Yeah, when I was younger I wasn't quote sure what I wanted. I knew I was not monogamous though I would never cheat. So I thought that just mean swinging. Yet everyone always had these horror stories about swinging. Most of them were about someone accidentally falling in love with another person or someone not able to handle it after all.

When I finally discovered polyamory, I liked the idea that it was mostly about the relationship itself. I realized some of the problems of swinging were not really there for polyamory. Mostly in polyamory, the focus is on communication to solve issues. I also saw it as having good stability as long as people were communicating.
 
does anyone know of any good rescources for infromation about polyamory maybe in video formatt lol it will be hell to get my husband to read lol
 
I started to listen to podcasts when my commute grew very boring. There are some good podcasts, though the only one dedicated to polyamory I listen to is Polyamory Weekly. So if travels, that podcast is very interesting.
 
but i explained to him that this isn't even about sex

Sorry, but I'm a little confused by this statement.

If taking a new relationship to the sexual level is not important then why is this an issue? Do you think he would be concerned if you had a deep non-sexual relationship? Monogamous couples can have deep outside friendships.

I agree polyamory is not all about sex, but polyamorous relationships involve sexual intimacy.

Seeing how this is not about sex, what do you really want from these new relations and why would he object if you simply said "I won't have sex"?
 
Sorry, but I'm a little confused by this statement.

If taking a new relationship to the sexual level is not important then why is this an issue? Do you think he would be concerned if you had a deep non-sexual relationship? Monogamous couples can have deep outside friendships.

I agree polyamory is not all about sex, but polyamorous relationships involve sexual intimacy.

Seeing how this is not about sex, what do you really want from these new relations and why would he object if you simply said "I won't have sex"?

well no see he thinks i want to be this way so i can have sex with women because i infact have a boob fetish, but i tried to explain to him that I don't want that. Infact in anytime that sex becomes invovled i wouldn't want to do it without him because i don't feel satisfied with out hum on the other hand i could give a damn what he does cause it wouldn't make me jealous or anything. To me i want my relationships to be about a strong bond rather than sexual gain. The idea of my husband holding me and me holding someone else or visa versa just makes me happy inside
 
. The idea of my husband holding me and me holding someone else or visa versa just makes me happy inside

I understand, thank you. Sorry if I offended. That is a warm visual and one filled with emotion.

I wish you the best:)
 
thank you and no i wasn't offended you just weren't sure what i meant i can be confusing sometimes with how i write
 
I worry sometimes that people confuse wanting to live out a fantasy (my husband holding me while I hold someone else) with being poly. On the other hand, I do believe that if you live out some fantasy, it is possible that it could open one's eyes to the possibilities of having more than one love and living a poly life. Some of us just don't know what we're truly capable of, til we get the chance to try.
 
so we found a potential gf, i found her on a dating site and she lives 30 minutes away. She's new to the concept and is unsure about it. So since she feels that she would feel she was being interrogated, she wants to go on a date with one of us at a time so I volunteered my husband for the first one. They are gonna go on the date when we save up some more money, i'm really nervous.
 
Good luck... if it is meant to be, it will go well.
 
ohhhhhh can i relate!!! hubby and i are in the SAME sitch! only it's reversed...he wants to and i am scared as hell. mainly because i do not form friendships or get beyond "hey what's up?" with almost ANYONE...i keep people at a good safe emotional distance so it scares the crap out of me to consider it. the sex...ehhh...it's sex. i don't care. i'll do what the situation calls for, girl...guy...both...whatever. i almost can empathize with a prostitute on that level. i don't connect. but ever forming a bond with anybody??? HA!!! and now that His polyamory thing has come in the picture i have found i am trying to protect myself from him in case he finds something new shiny and better....even though time after time after time (we haven't ever done anything unless it was with two of our mutual female friends) whenever i get scared or clingy he reassures me that I "am his potatoes" he could survive off me and enjoy it...he only LOVES me for his life partner. but that somehow doesn't quite do it for me. i feel like i am expected to go into this thing being happy getting 10 or 20 or 40% of the love and attention of anyone i am with and just be happy about it. i can't wrap my head around how there CAN be enough love or whatever. and i think it's cuz I myself show preferences...i prefer my puppy over my cats...i prefer blueberries over strawberries...i prefer lady gaga over madonna...and i give each the attention and love accordingly...so in other words i DO give less love and attention to the cats...i eat more blueberries...i listen to gaga, even to the exclusion of the others. i make sure basic needs are met but i really don't try to go farther. so maybe your hubby is having the same "starvation economy" thinking that i am struggling with...where he thinks just because you may have feelings for someone else, then your feelings toward him decrease?? just a thought...
 
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