A lack of consulting others

Galagirl and other folks wrote pretty much what I was going to say. I suggest mulling over what she has to say, no matter how defensive and unsettled it might make you feel.

So here is what I have to add to what other folks have posted. This is not going to be a fun read for you. I would like to help you, if I can - my intentions are good if that sweetens the bitter pill any.

You come across as entitled and controlling. Perhaps that is a function of the internet and you are neither of those things in real life. But that is how I 'read' you from your posts here.

Why entitled? Other folks have reiterated to you that no one owes you an explanation for why they are no longer interested in dating you or being in a relationship with you. You are not owed closure, reasons that make sense to you, or explanations.

I've had people disappear after a promising date. Never heard from them again and I have no idea why. This is unpleasant and I really find it rude. BUT, as rude as I find it, I am not entitled to knowing why. Quite likely, the reasons have nothing to do with me in any real way. Or perhaps they do but what good would hearing 'hey, I was up for banging you but I really don't want to date you or have a relationship' or some such variation do me? Silence is sometimes better, and I say this as someone who HATES not knowing. I've stopped moved forward with romantic and sexual connections for shallow reasons. I realized I just don't find men my height attractive. What good would telling them that do? They can't grow. For instance, a man, who was otherwise wildly compatible, didn't smell good to me. It wasn't a hygiene issue - he was clean and took care of himself. But he just didn't smell good to me. These are 'shallow' reasons but people stop dating people for just these reasons all the time.

Other posters have mentioned this to you. We're not misunderstanding or ignoring you by focusing on potential partner reactions. You do not want to hear what we are telling you. And that is you are not entitled to knowing why someone no longer wants to date you, or be in a relationship, or be your friend and so on.

I have sympathy for you though. I hate it when people don't give me a heads up that something is wrong. HATE IT. I tell people when I have an issue (or I try to - there have been many failures) so why can't others do the same? The reason is they don't have to. There is no requirement for them to do so. And you know what else? I am not so approachable at times. I miss obvious cues, I get all stuck in my own head space and don't pay attention to others, I don't appear as welcoming and open as I would like. And that's on me. I can control how I appear to others - that is something I can work on. I cannot control, and nor should I expect, that others will communicate with me in the ways, timing, and manners I want.

It's great that you want to understand and grow from your experiences. But it's not other people's job to help you with that. It's great if they are willing but it's on us as individuals to figure out the lessons we need to learn from life's experiences. You mentioned that not knowing makes you spin into 'what is wrong with you' thinking. You do that to yourself. They did not and are not responsible for your reactions. You are not entitled to have them to release you from pain you caused yourself.

Now it is really easy to spiral into 'what is wrong with me' squirrel mental gymnastics. It feels so natural. I suggest exploring that - why do you go into squirrel thinking mode? Be curious (and not blaming towards yourself or others) of why they happen. What are you getting out of going into a tizzy of self-blame? What causes that? (Spoiler! It's not external!) We don't control our thoughts - not really. Thoughts (and feelings) happen to us. We can learn to provide healthier patterns for our thoughts to run along in but controlling thoughts is a fool's game.

Ok, so why controlling? You are attempting to control others to manage your own pain. Controlling others to manage your feelings, your pain, your hurt does not work. I suspect even if everyone told you all the time exactly why they do not want to date or be in a relationship with you, you would still self-blame, you would still have squirrel thoughts of 'it's all my fault', 'what is wrong with me' and so on. You are externalizing something that can be resolved only internally. Trying to control the external world to manage internal chaos is a classic tactic. It's also one that will always fail. First, because people, if they have any choice at all, can't be controlled. They won't tell you what they 'really' think of you because they likely sense (consciously or unconsciously) that it won't do any good, and would waste their time and yours.

And second, because they are not the problem. 'They' don't have to stop anything. NYCindie and other have gently pointed out that you are the common denominator here. I'm going to go a step further and just outright say, you are the problem. You are doing this to yourself. Once you understand that, this will gradually stop being so painful for you. People will still not tell you why they don't want to be with you romantically. But you will know it's not about you, you will not be stuck in squirrel mind, and you will learn what you need to learn on your own, without relying on others. Stop trying to control other people and focus on understanding and managing your own thoughts and feelings. While you can't control other people in this way, you can control yourself. You have control over your own mind. It is true that we can't control our thoughts.

Purple elephant!

There, you thought of a purple elephant. Could not help it. See what I mean?

But we can think about our thoughts. We can decide that purple elephant is ephemeral and not relevant to our sense of self. Squirrel mind is no different from purple elephant - feeling self has just placed way more importance to squirrel mind than purple elephant.

You can decide that squirrel mind is hurting you and that you need to work on resolving what is going there. You can decide that you will address why you feel entitled to other people's participation in managing your pain. The resolution to this frustration is entirely within your grasp, within your own mind. But if you keep looking outside of yourself, you will find no answers and just continued frustration. (And ditto for people in your constellation who are in a similar pattern.)

Look, I was you. I was a terribly entitled only child who thought that others were responsible for managing my feelings. After many painful lessons, I have learned that this is not how people work and trying to make them work this way is moronic. Learn from my fail.


I would like to point out a troubling pattern I am seeing here. The replies I am getting are so focused on the potential partner aspect of my topic that everything else is getting ignored.

I ask people who reject me or terminate relationships with me why they decided to do so so I can get a better understanding of where they are coming from, to see if there are any important lessons for me to learn, and it makes letting go a lot easier for me. If a person doesn't give mme a Reason why until well after the fact, I go squirrley thinking about what I might have done wrong and it has left me with a few sleepless nights. I want to make it clear that I do not try to pry an answer out of anyone or try to change anyone's minds. That's wrong and goes completely against their wishes. I just ask them to share some insight from their perspective so I can get some peace of mind from the situation which helps letting go become much easier.

As I have stated in my first post, this trend I am seeing is happening way too often and it needs to stop. I'm even seeing it from poly people who have quite a lot of experience under their belts. I have read in numerous books, have been taught, have heard in numerous poly groups and so on that in poly there has to be open, honest communication from the very beginning, to the end and even beyond that if it goes that far and I am just trying to practice what I have learned but for whatever reason, I keep running into people who either can't or won't communicate when there are problems and it's even coming from poly people too which really scares me! It has lead to boundaries from all angles, including my own, to be crossed and needlessly so.

I'm not the only one who is running into this problem. Almost everyone in my constellation has run into this problem over and over again and none of us can figure out why it's happeneing or what we can to either stop it or change it in some way.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions I may have caused here.
 
I think one of the problems with internet advice- maybe especially here-is the tendency to pick out one thing and almost pathologicalize it- especially if different from us. I'd like to offer an alternative to that.

You're young. (I looked you up.) You're doing pretty well for your age. I'm guessing you are also idealistic- all the writing says poly people grow- like crazy- and you like and celebrate that! In reality, Not everybody does. Poly come in a wide variety of flavors. But you do- hooray! You'll go places and do things with yourself.

Have you ever done work with Meyers' Briggs? My guess is you have a couple of strong traits- I may be projecting, but I see NTJ very strongly in you.

That's not bad- it's to be celebrated! You need closure? Hooray! You probably never leave people hanging until the last minute, either.

If you don't know it, find your type. Figure out what traits you have that are ao strong you can't compromise on- you may need a strong j (closure) type. You might have flebility- be an introvert and like hanging with extroverts, or vice versa. Be a thinker and like feelers. Onl like abstract thinkers- or need a concrete thinker.

This ALSO will let you manufacture your own closure. You will know where you fit and don't with someone and can let that go more easily without blaming you or them.

Good luck!
 
Why do you assume that when a relationship ends, you did something wrong? Sometimes relationships end and no one did anything wrong. Could be that the person ended things just because they weren't "feeling it." Not every relationship lasts forever, and sometimes it's just time to move on.
 
I also don't really use the word "reject." It is really negative thinking, and, in my experience, usually dramatic.

When I go on a date with someone and find out we're incompatible, I am not "rejecting" them. In almost all cases, I am just acknowledging differences that make us incompatible (which is as much my differences as their's), or a lack of attraction/chemistry. Since most people don't experience romantic and/or sexual feelings for everyone they meet in life, or even feelings of friendship or general interest, I don't consider this "rejection," either--it's just living life.

When a longer-term relationship ends, I also don't think of it as "rejection." Again, it's incompatibility. Are there times someone or something is "at fault?" Sure. If someone endangers me, abuses my trust, etc., then that is on them. If I am the one who did it, it's on me. And, at least in any relationship I've ever been in that's ended this way, pretty much both parties know exactly what the problem was. But, this is, again, rarely what happens for me. It's usually just that incompatibility or circumstances become greater than the attraction. There's no life lesson to learn or bad personality traits to be corrected, there's no "rejection," it's just normal differences in people.

Perhaps you can try to readjust your thinking to something less fatalistic, and more positive?
 
Last edited:
I think I'm confused. I thought the problem was that people are ending relationships when you think they should be available to talk through the problems and find other solutions.

But in your last post, you indicate that the problem (which must be stopped) is that people don't talk enough about why they're leaving. That it's okay for them to leave, but they should be more transparent with their feelings when they do that.

I think the question was asked-- how long have these relationships lasted when this happens? A month? A year? A decade?

I'll say that I have experienced this, but it wasn't a problem. I have had someone break up with me out of the blue, and wow, it hurt. The simple explanation didn't make sense at the time. But he was very gracious, listened to everything I had to say at the moment, and over the next few weeks. He didn't open up any further about his reasons, but he was kind to me. He's one of my best friends now.

But yes, he didn't explain his reasoning in any detail, didn't offer a chance to problem solve, or work things out. He wasn't obligated to-- he's a human being with the right of privacy. He only had to be kind, gentle, which he was. One of the worst and best break-ups I've experienced.
 
Re (from Silentsaturn):
"I keep running into people who either can't or won't communicate when there are problems and it's even coming from poly people too which really scares me!"

It's one thing to know that communication is a good idea; it's another thing to put it into practice. I think most people (poly or otherwise) often find communication to be quite a challenge. I know I for one often struggle to find a way to say something critical without hurting the other person's feelings and/or otherwise stirring up trouble. I don't like having my feelings hurt either. It can be tempting to run away from a problem rather than discuss it.
 
As I have stated in my first post, this trend I am seeing is happening way too often and it needs to stop.

I haven't seen this trend in my own life or my own constellation (i.e. the people I'm friends and acquaintances with).

I will point out, like attracts like. If you and your friends all seem to attract these people, could be the common denominator is a knack for picking people with poor communication skills.

Communication is a two-way street. It's impossible to sit there and say "people aren't communicating with me." You're just as much not communicating with them. Don't confuse "talking" with "communicating." You might be talking to them plenty. But if they're walking away without an explanation, then my money says: very little communication has taken place. That's not their fault any more than yours.

"I have read in numerous books, have been taught, have heard in numerous poly groups and so on that in poly there has to be open, honest communication from the very beginning, to the end

That's not specific to poly. That's just healthy relationships in general. Poly is just one kind of relationship. Some people are good at it, some people aren't. Poly people aren't some kind of god-like race that innately excels at communication and relationships. We're just people who happen to prefer multiple simultaneous relationships. Nothing more, nothing less.
 
It can be tempting to run away from a problem rather than discuss it.

Also, what one person considers a problem in need of discussion (or multiple discussions) the other might see as something that would easily fade away if the other person just stopped picking at the scab. Constantly bringing up "issues" isn't necessarily a virtue or a characteristic of a good communicator. I've dated people who wanted to know every flaw I perceived in them and I couldn't get away fast enough. I prefer people who value enjoyment of togetherness, look for ways that we do fit, focus on appreciating what is so lovely about each other. Discussing issues might be what one person thinks is good communication while the other just thinks is picking for nits.
 
I'm inclined to say, communication is important and it needs to be open and honest ... but it also needs to be productive.
 
Back
Top