Good morning. Just a check-in. I am in between nursing, so this will be brief.
I was safely delivered of a baby girl. I really thought we would have another boy. I went into labour on the day of my baby shower. I woke up in the early hours of the morning, and I was in a wet spot. I immediately knew it amniotic fluid and not urine. I was advised to head to the hospital so that the fluid could be tested. Lo and behold, it was amniotic fluid. There was a tiny hole causing a leak, and since I was within days of my EDD, I was admitted. My OB and Perinatologist were about to prep me for a Caesarean, and I refused. Do not argue with a woman who is having contractions. One will always lose. They agreed to let me have a natural birth on the condition that two Neonatologists had to be present in case an emergency Caesarean had to be performed. I wanted a natural birth. No epidural or any pain management outside of hypnotherapy and natural pain relief like a birthing ball. Matt was by my side the whole time. I was about to give up when I was pushing, and she was not coming out. He whispered something in my ear, and it gave me the strength to do it. I caught my baby, and I held her against my heart. I have never cried so much in my life. I delivered naturally and had no complications like foetal distress, tearing, haemorrhaging, or uterine rupture. All blessings considering all of the above were possible.
I keep looking at her and thinking, "What if I had not changed?" If I had not changed, I would not have her in my life, and I would not have peace in the purest form. I cannot think about where I was because I know that I cannot go back. Nothing before I changed can ever remotely compare to the love I feel for my baby. While I cherish the good years I had with Kensi, I laugh at the thought of ever going back to any semblance of what my life was.
I kiss my baby's little feet, and my heart swells when she smiles. I look in her eyes, and I believe with all of my heart that everything will be okay. There is no way in the world I would ever give up being a hands on mummy to four amazing children to ever get back the poly side of my life that I walked away from two years ago.
Crazy as it sounds...I enjoy only working until 3:30 PM every day. I have structure. I enjoy knowing that if I want to, I can walk away for my job for 52 weeks of paid maternity leave and spend the entire year raising my baby. I enjoy waking up next to the same person and not having to schedule sex or romantic windows. I enjoy watching us grow together. I love the way he looks at me. He looks at me with love as opposed to mere tolerance and almost sadness. I enjoy waking up and hearing my babies laughing. I enjoy being there in the middle of the night to comfort them if they have nightmares. I enjoy the most mundane of tasks like changing nappies and bath time. I rejected the idea of hiring a night nurse. I enjoy the bonding that nursing provides. I can feed my own child. I do not care if it is 1 in the morning or 1 in the middle of the day. I enjoy being present and engaged with my family. 90% of the time, I do not know where my phone is, and I could not care where it is when I am at home. I look forward to every day because I appreciate every moment, and I am thankful for every experience I get to have. I almost lost everything, and the thought of even losing any element of it is something I cannot bear. I love where I am. I will continue to acknowledge where I came from, but going back? I am not remotely interested.
Sleepless nights, countless nappies, nursing every hour, 2 AM feedings, and all. I am wonderful. I hope you are all doing well!