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  #1311  
Old 10-19-2017, 01:33 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Awww, Claire, I'm so glad you opened up about your worries and he said all the right things.
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  #1312  
Old 10-19-2017, 02:05 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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He really did, i mean if I didn't *know* the man I'd think he was just saying what I wanted to hear. But I do know him, and I know this situation is harder on him than on me.

Like today... Castle was going to come by and bring back some stuff he'd borrowed before they go out of town. But Wifey was over an hour late getting back from her lunch, so they were late getting the rest of their afternoon done, and he ended up not having time If he'd been able to be up front, he probably could have skipped their afternoon errands and come over, but... yeah. He was upset, because he's like me, rigid with schedules and hates letting people down. I kinda saw it coming and wasn't that upset. He has told me a million times that Wifey is late for everything and always changing plans. So, today, whatever. The entire rest of our relationship? Not gonna work.

I'm glad Castle has been thinking about this stuff, too, that it's not just me. And I really needed to hear that this wasn't my problem, either in the sense of having caused it or needing to fix it. It's pretty damn awesome to be dating someone who's emotionally mature and has self awareness! He was clear that Wifey had agreed to open up, that if she hadn't, they probably would have split by now, and that dealing with the open relationship is absolutely a condition of their making the marriage work. That if it wasn't me, it would be someone else, that this wasn't a *Claire* issue, it was a *Castle wants an open marriage* issue.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared shitless of how this will play out. Wifey wanted no disruption to their lives, and probably expected him to have hook ups or casual fuck buddies, I doubt she's going to like hearing he spends time almost every day with his girlfriend. But I need to trust Castle to deal with it.
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In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1313  
Old 10-19-2017, 02:19 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Claire,

I have followed your blog and one thing that you have not mentioned is what Castle tells you about what if anything he knows about anything his wife has been doing. Apparently, it appears she agreed to opening the relationship on a DADT basis. I did that but that became impossible to continue when my husband stopped all business travel to speak of.

I think her reaction and Castle's issue to deal with is going to be affected by what she has done with other guys. If she moves to Texas, then her other relationships automatically become LDR that may or may not continue. So a big question is what her reaction is going to be if as you say she assumed Castle was only having hooks ups. And if they agreed to that as a condition of opening up, I would not expect a great reaction from her.

It appears he is telling you he will leave her if she does not accept his terms once he tells her. I would just be cautious and not bet the ranch on that one.
It wouldn't be the first time a man has decided to not do what he wants once faced with the financial and family aspects of a divorce.

Right now, to an outsider reading what you write, it seems like you are more invested sexually and emotionally with Castle than Andy. I'm guessing Andy must realize that and be fine with it but it will be also interesting to see his reaction if Castle moves permanently to Texas and you start spending more and more time with him.

Theres a lot of moving parts here it seems. There is no way you are going to get what you want in a DADT arrangement of his with wifey living there. I know you know that and I know he says its his problem, which it is because my guess is his wife has no clue what is headed her way. It will be very enlightening to see what she has been up to while he has been seeing you. My guess is is she is suddenly without boyfriends or never saw anyone else even though she could have, that Castle is in for some rough sledding.
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  #1314  
Old 10-19-2017, 04:09 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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I got sent straight home from work this morning - I'm sick sick sick. Not surprised, since a kid puked on me yesterday

@sexyserb... I know I write much more about Castle than Andy, but that's just because there's uncertainty and anxiety around Castle, and rarely any at all in my marriage. I'm not sure how far back in this blog you've read, but I've had several long term boyfriends come and go. They're great (well most of them lol) but they're not Andy. They're not my husband. Andy is my rock, my center, my home. The one person in the world I can count on, the one person I know will be my best friend for life.

I probably do take him for granted sometimes, as he does me. But we still kiss and cuddle and hold each other every single day. We make time to tell each other how lucky we are, how much we love each other, how much we like and respect each other, every single day.

We just don't have sex of the kind that satisfies me, because he has no desire for that. And that's ok. I do want sex, good-for-me sex, but I don't need it to be with Andy to consider him the love of my life. He doesn't need me to be monogamous to love me and be happy in our marriage.

As for Castle ... I do get that things between us may end if he tells Wifey about me. I'll miss him, hell, I'll be heartbroken, but I'll survive. I'll move on. I'll still have Andy, my friends, my life, and eventually I'll find another boyfriend if I want one.

I haven't talked about his wife or their arrangement, mostly because it really is none of my business. But the short version is that his wife lost all interest in sex when she went through menopause a couple of years ago, and told him to feel free to sleep with others. Castle didn't act on it until they were living apart this spring, because he felt uncomfortable lying and sneaking around in order to stick to the DaDT. So, I don't think she's "dating", but (like me and Andy) they have close friends of both sexes. And how will she feel that her husband has a girlfriend? I have no idea.

For now I'm just enjoying life with Castle in the moment, because I don't know what the future holds... But I do know he's awesome and I want to cherish whatever time together we have.
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Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1315  
Old 10-19-2017, 10:32 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Claire,

It's wonderful you have been able to maintain this closeness with Andy and not let all these boyfriends ruin that. I'm not sure how you pull it off. Never was an option for me.

I hope Castle turns out to be as committed as you think.
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  #1316  
Old 10-20-2017, 12:58 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sexyserb View Post
Claire,

It's wonderful you have been able to maintain this closeness with Andy and not let all these boyfriends ruin that. I'm not sure how you pull it off. Never was an option for me.
It just works with us, I guess... We are damn lucky and I know that. But we've had a lot of practice, too. For our entire relationship he has spent time with Steph, sometimes multiple nights a week, sometimes week long trips sharing a hotel room. So the idea that one of us having another really important person in our lives doesn't hurt our marriage, that's just how we have always been.

But you know, I read your posts, and I wonder how you pulled off having all that fun and not getting attached and/or obsessed with the men you dated. I simply can't do that. It's not even that I get attached after sex, although I do... It's also like I can't even desire sex until I'm already attached to someone Every time I'm dating, I swear I'll stick to casual fwbs, and fail miserably. I can't summon any enthusiasm for casual, and I can't enjoy it and can't handle it when I do try.

Quote:
I hope Castle turns out to be as committed as you think.
Me too. He's truly amazing. I really hope he and Wifey can work through this, because I don't want to lose him, and I also don't want him to lose anyone else he loves.
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~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #1317  
Old Yesterday, 03:37 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Claire,

I had to laugh a bit when you talked about the men I “dated”. LOL. I really didn’t date like you do. I fucked them period. Closest I came to real involvement was with airline pilot who was LDR who I saw when he had overnights in my city when Hero was not there. But he also was one who tried to pressure me into doing stuff like parading out in public that was an ironclad no no. I would not be married today if any of Hero’s business associates or our friends saw me out and about with another man. I think that is one thing that grounded me was that unlike some situations on this board, I truly believed that I was not going to be changing the rules and have my husband struggle and suck it up any more than he was. He would cut me loose and I knew it. There are a couple of situation now I see here where guys are getting jerked around like yo you and putting up with it. No option for me.

You are leading what I would call a truly polyamorous life successfully. Just my opinion, but I think your struggles are because you are really deep down monogamous but your sexual problems with Andy lead you to others. Maybe I’m wrong, but it does not seem to me that if Andy devoted what you consider propor amount of time and lite your fuse like a firecracker in the bedroom that you would be wanting to “date”. But you are doing a great job.
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