Nre

reflections

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I'm curious to hear people's experiences with NRE, the good, the bad, and the ugly :p.

For me, it's a bit difficult for me to differentiate what's NRE and what's just loving being together.

Jack and I have definitely had our periods of NRE, which initially, for me, was a blind infatuation with him, constantly thinking about him, feeling like I always had to put my best foot forward. I felt crazy, obsessed, constantly up and down. We had a break for a month when it seemed like our needs weren't compatible, but after reuniting about 2 years ago, we have been head over heels in love.

I know that NRE typically lasts 6-24 months and can be extended through LDR. I'm more interested in how other people feel during NRE and how that differs from their usual feelings in a relationship.

Also, has NRE ever been cut short by taking on new partners? Have people experienced NRE with two or more partners at once?

Thought this might be an interesting discussion!
 
My NRE with sam lasted a few months.

With nate it seemed to last for years , ended when i met sam but picked back up when nre ended with sam. i feel like my love for nate is way more than what most people feel for their long term partners
 
When I met my gf miss pixi, I had NRE and so did she. When we met, we clicked so hard, it was almost audible. Her NRE seemed to end after 3 months, but at the same time, she is really really into me continuously, loving, wanting closeness, frequent contact. The only difference was, her sex drive became less, but that is because she suffers from anxiety issues, which causes her to repress her lust sometimes.

I feel my NRE for her lasted 2 years. But our love is so intense. I compare how I feel for her with how I felt for my ex husband after 2 years, 4 years, six years, and it is so different. We are so suited to each other. I stopped feeling that obsessed feeling of a new relationship, but it's still so different from other loves I've had. The love and yummy feelings just kept growing, and becoming even *better* after the early NRE, the anxieties of wondering if we will really work out, ended in security.

I have felt NRE for quite a few men over the 6 years she and I have been together. Quite a few of them were new and exciting while miss pixi and I were still in a fairly new relationship. It can be confusing sometimes, when feelings for one person, coming from sex with them into her arms, for example, run over from one relationship to another. But I've gotten used to that. And she's really good about being patient with me when I am distracted by feelings for another. Either feeling excited and lustful for someone else, or disappointed and sad because something isn't working out.

Likewise, after an initial short-lived wobbly time, I am not threatened by any other relationships she has had. She's always had poly understandings with partners, and has taught me a lot about how to be at ease sharing our loving capacities with others.
 
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I don't think I am as susceptible to NRE as some people seem to be.

Sure, I will feel excited about a new lover, and will allow myself to fantasize about a new relationship, but -- for the most part, I always strive to keep my expectations low and to step back and keep my feet on the ground about it. I also feel that attachment to another human being is not healthy, so I watch out for signs that I am getting attached and make an effort to disengage from that thinking. It's all mental, really, and takes discipline and (most importantly) a great deal of self-awareness to not let NRE take hold and toss me around. I like that you described it as "blind infatuation" - it can really blind one to things that should be looked at.

I think unrealistic expectations are what do us in the most, when it comes to relationships, so I prefer to be a realist about things. Somehow, I can enjoy the excitement and a bit of euphoria without getting all lost in it. I used to get lost in my infatuations and fantasies about people I was involved with, but I guess I just don't allow myself to go there anymore ever since a few of them crashed and burned, and I felt really hurt by my involvement and embarrassed by (and regretful over) my "stoned on love" state of mind, which created problems in those relationships.

I like to remind myself that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding my brain, like being drugged, and to not believe or invest too much in what I am feeling because I am basically under the influence of drugs. It takes some effort, but can be done.
 
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I have bad memories of my last experience with NRE. I did not handle it well. I currently have no desire to seek a new round of NRE. I am satisfied with my well-established relationship with Snowbunny. There's no rose-colored glasses or shattered expectations, just a well-oiled routine and rapport.
 
It's interesting to hear about other people's experiences of NRE.

For myself, I had recently considered dating a friend of mine, who I'll call Indigo. I did start to feel some of that initial "crush" stage - the flirting, the wondering what would happen next, etc. In the end, Indigo and I decided it was best to stay friends for now, given my upcoming move.

And while in a small amount, that NRE felt good, it did remind of the intensity of NRE I felt with Jack when we started seeing each other. That was like butterflies in the stomach - but to the point of nausea. I think there were other contributing factors that led to it being such an intense experience for me (Roger and I were really struggling with his extensive work schedule and mismatched libidos), but in some ways, it's terrifying for me to think about feeling that again. And nycindie, I think you and I are quite different in experiences of NRE, given that I tend to jump in head first. I see the ways that having high expectations has hurt Jack and my relationship in the past, but I also do appreciate having that kind of "all in" approach at times.

While it still feels like Jack and I are wrapped up in NRE, talking about how much we're in love, giving googily eyes to each other, spending hours just looking at each other and talking, I can't quite figure out if it's NRE or if that's just what love is like with him. I suspect that over time, it will change, like Roger and my relationship did, into a more mature, stable type of love. But it's hard to determine if it's NRE or if we just have amazing chemistry (doesn't hurt that the sex is absolutely mind-blowing! :rolleyes: ). At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter all that much, but it's intriguing to reflect upon.
 
I like to remind myself that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding my brain, like being drugged, and to not believe or invest too much in what I am feeling because I am basically under the influence of drugs. It takes some effort, but can be done.

Yep, yep and yep. Agreed with your post's conclusions and could relate to some of its circumstances, too.

While it still feels like Jack and I are wrapped up in NRE, talking about how much we're in love, giving googily eyes to each other, spending hours just looking at each other and talking, I can't quite figure out if it's NRE or if that's just what love is like with him. I suspect that over time, it will change, like Roger and my relationship did, into a more mature, stable type of love. But it's hard to determine if it's NRE or if we just have amazing chemistry (doesn't hurt that the sex is absolutely mind-blowing! ). At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter all that much, but it's intriguing to reflect upon. .

I know what you mean. Lately someone has fallen for me. I can't tell if she is profoundly in love or loves profoundly. Either way I expect things will change into something more mature if the potential is there for that. All long relationships do in some way or another. They will for you with Jack. NRE burns out but what follows isn't necessarily any less bright.
 
I have been contemplating and researching NRE for most of a year since having a big dose take me by complete surprise. The out of control aspect of it has been big both for good and ill. Something I wanted to keep a friendship became torture to keep in bounds because of it and I had to negotiate new boundaries with my husband and my own sense of what is doable. The addictive nature of the chemicals sloshing around is delightful but withdrawal is nasty. My SO became very ill and had little energy to pump into being giddy with me anymore, while still being in love with me. I would love to have kept the idyll going. The sense of endless possibility, the vision of being more wonderful than I knew because he found me so amazing, the mind blanking pleasure of looking at each other in complete adoration, these things I have deeply mourned the sudden diminution of. It was interesting to find that the chemical mix of NRE has the property of interfering with other chemical interactions in the brain, such as the circulation of serotonin. Anyone prone to depression may find themselves in trouble even if things are going well. Louann Brizendine's books on the brain have interesting chapters on what falling in love does to brain functions in men and women.

Leetah
 
When I get into NRE, I fall hard and fast. It's really intense. A great deal of concentration is needed for me to focus on anything but the new relationship, however, I make the effort. That said, once a reciprocal relationship is established and I feel secure, NRE does not wear off for me. I still get comments about how lovey-dovey DarkKnight and I seem to be, from friends and strangers, even. "Look at how in love you are ! It's so sweet!" Almost ten years together and my high is still super strong. It's just how I roll.

For this reason, I think that having a third primary partner would thoroughly exhaust me. I know that when I was seeing someone briefly a few months ago, I felt really torn in about a million ways at once because I had an overload of emotional ups. As good as it felt, it was also really unsettling because I still have NRE for my husbands, and trying to balance myself and my need for all 3 partners at the time was cray-cray.
 
I don't think I've ever had NRE last more than a few months. A month or two seems more the norm. It's been so long since I was really head-over-heels NRE that it's hard for me to remember exactly what it was like--the one thing that sticks out is that my libido shoots through the roof for the first month or two I'm with a new partner, then drops (practically over night) down to "normal" levels for me.

Strangely, I didn't seem to go through much in the way of NRE with my boyfriend and I got together last fall. I mean, everything clicked and felt "right", but less in the "high on brain chemicals" way I associate with NRE and more in the "yeah, this person really fits in my life" that I've had (rarely) with friends, chosen relatives, and a very few romantic partners.
 
So far, my NRE with Julian has lasted 10 months, with no signs of fading. But it has definitely morphed from giddy infatuation to a more steady, deep love. I still get very excited when I'm about to see him (although we see each other at least 6 days a week), and we cannot keep our hands off each other, even in public. But it's also hard to know where NRE ends and our genuine personalities begin -- we're both very physically demonstrative people, and we're both deeply emotional and sensitive.
 
I don't think I am as susceptible to NRE as some people seem to be.

Sure, I will feel excited about a new lover, and will allow myself to fantasize about a new relationship, but -- for the most part, I always strive to keep my expectations low and to step back and keep my feet on the ground about it. I also feel that attachment to another human being is not healthy, so I watch out for signs that I am getting attached and make an effort to disengage from that thinking. It's all mental, really, and takes discipline and (most importantly) a great deal of self-awareness to not let NRE take hold and toss me around. I like that you described it as "blind infatuation" - it can really blind one to things that should be looked at.

I think unrealistic expectations are what do us in the most, when it comes to relationships, so I prefer to be a realist about things. Somehow, I can enjoy the excitement and a bit of euphoria without getting all lost in it. I used to get lost in my infatuations and fantasies about people I was involved with, but I guess I just don't allow myself to go there anymore ever since a few of them crashed and burned, and I felt really hurt by my involvement and embarrassed by (and regretful over) my "stoned on love" state of mind, which created problems in those relationships.

I like to remind myself that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding my brain, like being drugged, and to not believe or invest too much in what I am feeling because I am basically under the influence of drugs. It takes some effort, but can be done.

^^ Yessss. All of this.

For years in my past relationships, I have been guilty of some pretty heavy NRE. I honestly feel like nycindie's philosophy here is exactly what I need to be teaching myself within this whole new poly experience.

I truly feel that the relationship grows healthier and more honestly when you can teach yourself not to get caught up in major NRE.

Granted, I truly believe that a large portion of people are much healthier about it than I have been in my past. Sometime's NRE can cause some serious anxiety issues, especially if you're in a LDR.

Luckily, I feel as though my relationship with Cuba is teaching me these things in a very healthy way. He is very laid back and strives on his own independence so his NRE levels are generally pretty low. I've come to understand that it doesn't mean it's not actually there or that he's not into me just as much as I am into him, it simply means they have a clear head about it.
 
I don't think I am as susceptible to NRE as some people seem to be.

Sure, I will feel excited about a new lover, and will allow myself to fantasize about a new relationship, but -- for the most part, I always strive to keep my expectations low and to step back and keep my feet on the ground about it.

Me too.

I'm also starting to realize that I'm just not a very passionate person. I'm kinda flighty and easily distracted, so I tend to be all over the place most of the time. I'm seeing it in my work, now that I'm on a multi-year project, and I see it in my relationships. I'm fine at commitment and everything, and it's not that I don't love deeply. I just don't seem to have a lot of passion for anything.
 
So far, my NRE with Julian has lasted 10 months, with no signs of fading. But it has definitely morphed from giddy infatuation to a more steady, deep love. I still get very excited when I'm about to see him (although we see each other at least 6 days a week), and we cannot keep our hands off each other, even in public. But it's also hard to know where NRE ends and our genuine personalities begin -- we're both very physically demonstrative people, and we're both deeply emotional and sensitive.

This is exactly where I am! I've been with Rider now for like a year and a half, thereabouts, and while I am not in "butterflies, constant FB photo creeping, only thought in my mind" NRE, I definitely feel surges of pleasant chemicals even looking at him or talking to him, and we miss each other even while just at work during the day (though we see each other before and after), and the sex is still every day-ish, and we're super PDA people. I kinda think that's just what I'm like when I'm in love with someone, and he is too, and now that we've found each other, we're just like that together.

I suppose it's possible, though, that it is just a mellower version of NRE and will fade with the passage of more time. But the "totally awash in love when I look at him" feeling has INCREASED over time, not decreased. I've never been in a relationship longer than four years, and all my long-term relationships have had serious flaws in them, so I'm not sure what super-long-term healthy love feels like. Maybe this will be what it's like? Time will tell, and I'm eager to find out.

Also, we're definitely past the "see each other as not having flaws" stage. We totally do recognize each other's flaws; we just love each other wholly in spite of (and in some cases even because of) them. So, NRE or not NRE...I suppose we'll see.
 
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Perhaps there's no sharp distinction where NRE ends and "other relationship energy" begins?
 
Perhaps there's no sharp distinction where NRE ends and "other relationship energy" begins?

That would make sense. Most of my other relationships have been kind of unhealthy, and I would suddenly recognize how unhealthy they were around the 2.5-year mark, after not listening to friends' wise counsel and thinking I could "fix" the bad behavior. There have been times that I wondered whether that was just NRE-blindness finally ending or if it was just how long my fuse is for taking crappy people's crap. At least in this one, I know I have a good guy, as everyone I know has noticed and is happy for me—no chorus of uncertainty from friends. This one feels wholly different, so I don't know how much past experience I can apply to the present here.
 
He seems to be a keeper. :)
 
There is infatuation, and there is NRE. They are not exactly the same. There can be a lot of infatuation in Long Relationship Energy. But it is not based of the feeling that the other person feels NEW to you. It is more the feeling of eating your favioutite dish, that you have eaten before and you know how it tastes like and it is wonderful. NRE is more like, what is this dish, I am not sure I have tasted something quite like this before, I want to see where this taste ends etc.

When I met my husband, the NRE was coloured by the fact that I was mourning my previous relationship. I do remember feeling insanely attracted to him. which lasted about a year/a year and a half. Then it slowed down into a LRE, which conincided with us moving in together.

When I met my ex-sort of lover, the NRE was insane and probably kept higher by the fact that we didn't have proper talks about anything. It was a mess, with the guy declearing his love for me at the engagement party of him and another woman...you can imagine. It was very high for a long time and then it fell down, flat dead as my trust was. Husband said the NRE bothered him in the beginning, but since I was not actually sleeping with ex-sort of lover, my husband reaped most of the sexual benifit of my NRE.

When I met my boyfriend, the NRE was high which was useful because we really needed something to push us forward. International relationships can be hard, and he has no poly experience and little mono experience. I am happy NRE made me do it! Now I feel I am slowly drifting into LRE with boyfriend as well. We have been through a couple of rounds of dealing with boring/tecnical stuff, as we rent together, make a budget and so on. Also on some days we are just as much in love with our cat ;) It is good in some ways, I am less self-concious and not afraid to make mistakes, we have built up a ground so I am no longer worried that the relationship will fail over triflets. The sex in LRE is better in a way, you know each other more, the communicaton becomes as easy as pie.
 
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Question for everyone: Do you all believe it is possible for NREs to help create and solidify more intense LREs in other partners/your primary?
 
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