Am in a weird place. Posting here because I'm desperate to talk about my situation without anyone judging my partner. I have traveled and lived in Europe, the UK, and the US. Now I live in India, with an Indian partner. We have been married 15 years, with two beautiful children. In the early years of our marriage, I have been attracted to a few people. One of them was an old girlfriend, with who was polyamorous, though she never wore the label. I was deeply connected to her, and my partner was deeply insecure about that connection. I never cheated, but I didn't think there was anything morally wrong with being with someone as long as you didn't lie. I didn't pursue that relationship because I thought it would hurt my partner. For several years, I secretly bore the pangs of having lost one of the deepest bonds I had ever formed.
Over the years, I have grown to convince myself that I am monogamous, that I should love only my partner - and I do. Deeply. She loves me too.
Now, she has fallen in love with someone else. She doesn't want to leave me, but I can't help but resent her about this, because I still am, in many ways, in love with my old girlfriend, but she is no longer available. The might-have-beens haunt me. I feel lonely, abandoned, and I know it's unfair because I haven't been abandoned. I don't want to resent my partner. I don't want to hold her back because I know how much I was hurting when I held myself back. Basically looking for someone who might have experienced something like this, to share their experience and learn how to deal with this.
Over the years, I have grown to convince myself that I am monogamous, that I should love only my partner - and I do. Deeply. She loves me too.
Now, she has fallen in love with someone else. She doesn't want to leave me, but I can't help but resent her about this, because I still am, in many ways, in love with my old girlfriend, but she is no longer available. The might-have-beens haunt me. I feel lonely, abandoned, and I know it's unfair because I haven't been abandoned. I don't want to resent my partner. I don't want to hold her back because I know how much I was hurting when I held myself back. Basically looking for someone who might have experienced something like this, to share their experience and learn how to deal with this.