BDsm

@LovingRaidiance..
There are definitely different schools of thought in this area. At home, in private, our BDSM "play" definitely will normally include sexual aspects/genital contact. Specific types of play are certainly genital-oriented.
However, we do sometimes (rarely) play in more public spaces or at friends' houses, and in those situations, it's purely non-sexual. So there are certainly different forms of play, and although sexual tension is often a by product, sex isn't.

@calicowgirl... munches are often "non-play" social only events.. definitely check out the rules regarding the specific ones you're near, but in my experience, they're a lot more about meeting people and exchanging conversation and ideas than play. Munches are, in many people's opinion, the best, "safest" way to get your feet wet and learn about the other people in your area that are like-minded.
Best of luck!
 
Yep, munches/brunches in my neck of the woods are ALL about meeting people, bringing in the newbies in as non-threatening way as possible. Letting them introduce themselves, get introductions, have some conversation with like minded individuals, etc.

Generally munches are held in family type environments like Denny's or a bar and grille so fet wear and overt M/s or D/s behavior is discouraged so the group looks just like any other group who gets together every month or so to exchange ideas and network.

They are a great way to meet people local to you, have some great conversations about just about anything under the sun and just get an evening out and away from any kids who are under the age of majority in your area.

The strictest rule our group has for munches is that there are to be NO under 19's since some of the conversations can get a little bit too much for the younger ones. The only exception I've seen was a lady bringing her newborn so she would be able to socialize and breast feed at the same time.

When I first started going to the brunches (a different name for the same thing just held around noon on a Sunday) it was for some badly needed time away from the then hubby and two young kids. Adult time was a cherished thing, lol.

I strongly urge anyone to search them out in your area and attend some. Some of them will even have presenters, a topic or theme to discuss, etc.
 
Finding my way

I met my first BDSM oriented friend last July. He's a switch and being with him was completely confusing to me. I adore him, but our chemistry has never been that easy. "Good morning! Great day for a good choking" completely threw me off!!! ha ha!

But it turned me on the the world and now I keep meeting people who are way more experienced.

I've been reading The new Bottoming Book by the authors of The Ethical Slut. It's a great book, very practical.

I've been playing with a guy who is also inexperienced and I've discovered that I really like being restrained. Not so much into pain. He's not a great talker so it's winding down as he has not complied with even my most basic requests for talking before and after scenes.

I like having sex after. I don't see the point in not, but I'm open to understanding that perspective.

My new love who I'm hoping to move into a poly situation with, is a very experienced dom and is also liking being a sub recently. It's an exciting time and I'm loving learning about myself from this perspective.
 
Our girlfriend is a submissive and my husband is a budding dom. It's been hard for me to accept that this is a part of his life that I don't share--I have a desire to be all things to him. It's also been hard to see him hurting her, even knowing that this is what she wants, so I have a limited involvement. (I did once interfere with a scene trying to protect her.)

I love them both, and I want them to be happy and get their needs met, but I just don't get it, and sometimes that makes it hard to be the "vanilla" partner. I feel like I don't fit.

ETA: Okay, so I think this thread is for various experiences with BDSM, and I thought that my post was in keeping, but now I'm nervous. If it isn't, I'll delete.
 
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@Lemondrop, stay!

That's all for now.:)
 
Hey Lemondrop-how can it not pertain if it's pertinent to BDSM?
I created the thread right? (at least I'm pretty sure I did :D )
SO I call "your post is fair game". Hope that helps you with your nervousness!!!

On a slightly more serious note-I thought your post very helpful.
I am submissive, Maca is naturally Dominant. I don't get into the pain part of things, but even without that GG struggles with the whole thing. He finds the whole kit and kaboodle "silly".
That is hard on him, and me. Because for me, it's not a "sometimes" thing or a "game" it's an all day, every day thing-keeping in mind that yes I do make decisions all day long for myself because I am here with the kids as the only adult MOST of the entire day, there are CERTAIN things that I never do and there are certain things that signal it's M's time to retrieve control.

But it's good-especially in terms of poly-relationships to address the feelings/needs/concerns of a poly-partner who IS NOT into BDSM in terms of how the whole relationship dynamic needs to be handled. :)
 
Well, if it helps, I loved When Someone You Love is Kinky. I thought it handled the subject kindly and in a fair amount of detail for someone who is new to it all, and it didn't give so much detail that you get overwhelmed. Way back when we first started seeing Asha, she handed us a book called (I think) Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns. That is a very exhaustive book, and I got overwhelmed after flipping through it and had to put it down. It's just too much for a newbie. Honestly, it's still a bit overwhelming to me now.

BTW, thank you everyone for reassuring me. I appreciate it!
 
I love that book... so much detail and so much information on how to do things in a respectful way so as to not damage each other.
 
Way back when we first started seeing Asha, she handed us a book called (I think) Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns.

Screw the roses is a good staple for anyone getting into the lifestyle. It covers sadomasochism, domination, bondage, with a good balance between "how to" and "what's going on in our heads when we do this?"

As a testament to its ubiquitousness, when my husband and I moved in together, we were unsurprised to find we now have two copies :p
 
We went to a really satisfying kink event this weekend. It was a show first with a competition of who was king and queen and then a play event. I had a belt/corset made by a local artist and felt very strong in myself and empowered. Mono, my handsome slave did everything at my beck and call and did very well. He got a good beating on one of the racks and the stockade and then I took him home after wards for more play. I was completely satisfyingly exhausted afterwards as was he.

It was a really good night also in that my friend and lover (on hold) was there with his new girlfriend. We have been meeting regularly and have become closer than ever, even if our sex life is on hold for the moment. He took a moment to grab my ass and give it a good squeeze as he pulled me close for a sec... I came out of character long enough to allow that connection to just be between us, from one Dom to another. He is the only one I would EVER let do that.... it made us both thrilled and connected to have a moment of remembering and reminding of things to come. I don't miss him anymore, because I feel there is a future there. That is all I wanted to know.
 
Hi All,

I just wanted to say that I had been very apprehensive about bringing up this topic and am so have found so many people who make both Poly and BDSM relationships work! It is very encouraging.

I am the sub to my partner's Dom and we are slowing working to find where our balance is. It is strange though, for me, because I have been very active in my BDSM involvement since I found my interest in it as a teen. I read and discuss and learn, I want to do everything I can to be the best sub I can be. For him on the other hand, this is his first time taking a full on Dom role. (I've introduced him to so much, its great seeing him become comfortable with parts of himself idon't think he even acknowledged before) He doesn't read or research online - I find this frustrating at times because, I guess I want everything now. *blushes* I'm not good at waiting. He says he wants our D/s relationship to be organic and to grow on its own, that he is not interested in what other people do because they are not us. I can respect this, but I very much struggle to understand it.

In saying that, our relationship is growing and changing every day. Even this weekend something has changed in him which has caused him to be stricter with me - something I am loving (he's given me the nickname mischief, something I'm not sure i like so much!). It makes me feel even closer to him. I am sure I just need to hang fire and let him go at his own pace, it is hard sometimes tho.

wow, I've shared more with you than i have with any of the BDSM websites I hang out on. a testament to how welcoming and open everyone here is. Thank you for that.

I think someone upthread said that the website they encountered seemed to be mostly discussing the upcoming clubs/play parties. while the site I use is mostly UK based, there are a lot of good topics about BDSM in general that i imagine would be helpful/interesting to people on both sides of the pond. www.InformedConsent.com clubs/parties threads do make an occasional appearance, especially at the beginning of the month but I do feel they are in the minority. I hope it is helpful to some. Also, there is a web comic www.Collar6.com and a great forum/web chat community has grown around it that I have become quite fond of. we never speak of clubs or play events because we're none of us in the same place!

BB,
DarkSilence
 
I've had an interest in BDSM and kink since I was a teen. It's only in recent years (I'm 54) that Ive really brought the fantasies about it into reality.

With my mostly vanilla ex h, I took a sub role the last 10 or so yrs of our relationship, in an attempt to help him build his self esteem. I am naturally assertive, but found a thrill out of taking orders from him in the bedroom and being subjected to an occasional short spanking or paddling.

But since we broke up, Ive dived in. My lover has been poly and kinky all her life and we have gradually begun playing with impact play (crop, flogger, steel rod), scrathing with a knife blade, dildoes and strap ons, light bondage (me tying her up), blindfolds, sensation play (ice, wax, rabbit fur, etc), pee play, enemas, TENS unit, forced oral, and other things.

She's a sub, and has had Masters in the past. I'm a switch. Interestingly, she is fantastic at topping me from the bottom.

We've not been to a play party together yet. She belongs to a kinky grp for women and transppl only tho. We have a few kinky friends we see socially, Dommes mostly.

Also I have just begun playing w a young Dom. He's 27. It's a bit odd. We met on OKC and he immediatley started asking me to Domme him, even tho he's never exped that before. We had one date, messed around, switched between roles, and he got cold feet. Months later, we had a 2nd date. This time I let him top me. Maybe one more date where he tops me, and trusts me more, and then we will turn the tables... rawr.

It's hard to find a good Dom. My gf says most of the Doms out there are just assholes.
 
Talk, talk, talk!

I'm so happy this thread is active. Thanks to all. I am in a new relationship with a couple who live in another state. We just had an unbelievably intense 5 days together. We are all new to poly, but they are experienced BDSM practitioners. She (M)is one of the best communicators I've met so, I'm learning loads from her.

Here at home, I've been exploring my sub side for about 6 months, with another beautiful man, a beginner like me. I have often felt ready to call it off with him because he did not seem to be a good communicator. Then I discussed it with M and she gave me some really practical hints and observations about how to talk to my dom. It was magic! Really, it's like he sensed the change in me (I had opened up to him about being in love and the poly element).

He tracked me down one day (not usual for him at all) and we ended up talking for over an hour ...1/2 of it him...I swear! Two days later when he topped me it was just INCREDIBLE. We took it to a whole new level. The talking is so important to me. I went deep into sub space and came many many times in the 3-4 hours we were together. He is a sensitive creative top and I feel so lucky to be playing with him.

It similar with him to what DARKSILENCE wrote. He doesn't read or study. M suggested highlighting a book that I really find important... a very minimal amount so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. Then after he reads it, to do some more in a different color. I'm working on The New Topping Book now. (I love everything Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy write.) Plus, I'm learning loads myself. (I'm also reading their The New Bottoming Book.)
 
Hey magdyln, tell me about a TENS unit. Someone lent me one on the weekend. I haven't had a chance to try it out yet.

Well, Red, I am no expert. When my lower back pain was at its worst, my chiro gave me several treatments.

My gf just recently broke out her TENS unit for us to play with. It's basically just a kind of vibrator. Her unit is small and portable and 2 wires come off it w pad shaped electrodes on the ends.

You place the pads where you wish. You turn on the unit and get vibed. The difference between a TENS unit and a regular vibrator is, the unit can be adjusted to make the stimulus feel more needly, or more thumpy. And the intensity and pattern of vibration is almost infinitely adjustable as well.
 
I'm working on The New Topping Book now. (I love everything Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy write.) Plus, I'm learning loads myself. (I'm also reading their The New Bottoming Book.)

I just mentioned these books to my gf and she immediately pulled The New Bottoming Book off her bookshelf for me! She rocks. *love*

She did mention that the authors are kind of "One True Wayers." So, just take their info w a grain of salt if it doesnt resonate with your personal exps or desires.
 
Hey magdyln, tell me about a TENS unit. Someone lent me one on the weekend. I haven't had a chance to try it out yet.

I tried it last night..cranked it up and it up on max and I must say it was a lot of electricity! I'm not sure I would compare it to a vibrator though....more to follow...but not share I think:rolleyes:
 
Hey! No fair! :p

We didnt use it on a very strong intensity yet. Trying the more needly sensation on my nipples: no. No. No. The thumpy sensation tho, yes, oh yes.

But Mono, it's interesting how Red shared youre such a pain slut! I didnt expect that for some reason. But then again, youre a soldier! heh
 
Hey! No fair! :p

But Mono, it's interesting how Red shared youre such a pain slut! I didnt expect that for some reason. But then again, youre a soldier! heh

I'm not that much a pain slut...I enjoy heavy impact but not sharp pinching pains LOL. I think it has to do with my combatives past. My nipples are a zero go, no tolerance zone...I can't even watch nipple play very easily :eek:
 
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