fiftyeight
New member
Hello, my story is as follows:
I have been dreaming of an open relationship for the last 5 years or so, I am pretty reluctant to be in an exclusive relationship in the long term mostly because I feel I haven't experienced as much as I want to, and I am a bit addicted to the excitement of meeting and hooking up with new women.
An open relationship sounded quite ideal to me as you still have a primary girlfriend who you enjoy an emotional relationship which is very deep, but you can still enjoy "just sex" with other girls, and experience new sexual adventures.
My previous girlfriend did not want to hae an open relationship and we were in an exlusive relationship for some time, this ended partly because of my desire to meet new women.
Now I met a new girl, which i liek a lot and have feelings for her, we've been dating for 2 months and haven't put any label on what we have.
About 1 month in she insinuated that she doesn't want me to be with other women, she said something like "If you were kissing another girl at that party, I would be hurt" or something of this nature. I said I would as well, but I wouldn't be angry and she could get together with other guys.
I hoped somewhere that she will get with another guy and that would lead to an open relatioship between us.
i reminded her quite often that i am okay with her being with other guys, and that I might be with other women.
Last week she actually did it, she had sex with one of her male friends, they have been flirting for some time and I did feel she wants to do it, and told her it was alright with me. She asked how I would react, and I told her that I would not enjoy hearing it, but I wouldn't be angry and I would accept it.
However, since she told me about it, I am quite devestated and find it hard to deal with the emotional pain and jealousy.
I have tried to analyze my feelings and have come up with some reasons for my emotional pain:
1. The sex she had with the guy was not good for her, she was stressed, in pain and he was too "rough". I have images in my head of hear being in pain and him continuing the sex anyway. Apparently she did not tell him she was in pain, so he can't really be blamed much, but the image in my mind keeps popping up.
2. I asked her in a completely calm way (I was not angry at all when she told me about it and was completely calm, but wanted to understand what caused it to happen) why she did it. She responds mostly "I don't know" and "It just happened". It annoys me a bit bcs it indicated a lack of self-control and self awareness, which are needed in any relationship IMO, including an open one, as such a relationship should still have some ground rules I believe.
3. She says she felt like she was cheating, which is part of the reason she was stressed. Of course I don't feel like this is cheating, as I allowed her to do it. But in her mind she was cheating, and she still went through with it, which makes me question if she would be faithful to any rules we make up for the open relationship, or in an exclusive relationship if we choose to have one in the future.
Beyond this there is the overwhelming feeling of jealousy due to another guy pleasuring her / having sex with her, and not feeling as special as I felt previously. Before I felt like she is so infatuated with me and it made me feel very special.
As of the moment we have talked about it and we can both see other people, but we also acknowledge we have feelings for each other. Which is pretty much an open relationship as I perceive it.
I don't know how to deal with all this, I am questioning my idea of having an open relationship, the emotional pain is quite strong.
I am looking for any advice at this point.
Thank you.
I have been dreaming of an open relationship for the last 5 years or so, I am pretty reluctant to be in an exclusive relationship in the long term mostly because I feel I haven't experienced as much as I want to, and I am a bit addicted to the excitement of meeting and hooking up with new women.
An open relationship sounded quite ideal to me as you still have a primary girlfriend who you enjoy an emotional relationship which is very deep, but you can still enjoy "just sex" with other girls, and experience new sexual adventures.
My previous girlfriend did not want to hae an open relationship and we were in an exlusive relationship for some time, this ended partly because of my desire to meet new women.
Now I met a new girl, which i liek a lot and have feelings for her, we've been dating for 2 months and haven't put any label on what we have.
About 1 month in she insinuated that she doesn't want me to be with other women, she said something like "If you were kissing another girl at that party, I would be hurt" or something of this nature. I said I would as well, but I wouldn't be angry and she could get together with other guys.
I hoped somewhere that she will get with another guy and that would lead to an open relatioship between us.
i reminded her quite often that i am okay with her being with other guys, and that I might be with other women.
Last week she actually did it, she had sex with one of her male friends, they have been flirting for some time and I did feel she wants to do it, and told her it was alright with me. She asked how I would react, and I told her that I would not enjoy hearing it, but I wouldn't be angry and I would accept it.
However, since she told me about it, I am quite devestated and find it hard to deal with the emotional pain and jealousy.
I have tried to analyze my feelings and have come up with some reasons for my emotional pain:
1. The sex she had with the guy was not good for her, she was stressed, in pain and he was too "rough". I have images in my head of hear being in pain and him continuing the sex anyway. Apparently she did not tell him she was in pain, so he can't really be blamed much, but the image in my mind keeps popping up.
2. I asked her in a completely calm way (I was not angry at all when she told me about it and was completely calm, but wanted to understand what caused it to happen) why she did it. She responds mostly "I don't know" and "It just happened". It annoys me a bit bcs it indicated a lack of self-control and self awareness, which are needed in any relationship IMO, including an open one, as such a relationship should still have some ground rules I believe.
3. She says she felt like she was cheating, which is part of the reason she was stressed. Of course I don't feel like this is cheating, as I allowed her to do it. But in her mind she was cheating, and she still went through with it, which makes me question if she would be faithful to any rules we make up for the open relationship, or in an exclusive relationship if we choose to have one in the future.
Beyond this there is the overwhelming feeling of jealousy due to another guy pleasuring her / having sex with her, and not feeling as special as I felt previously. Before I felt like she is so infatuated with me and it made me feel very special.
As of the moment we have talked about it and we can both see other people, but we also acknowledge we have feelings for each other. Which is pretty much an open relationship as I perceive it.
I don't know how to deal with all this, I am questioning my idea of having an open relationship, the emotional pain is quite strong.
I am looking for any advice at this point.
Thank you.