Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

OkC roundup! Lol

I haven’t been chatting with the overseas dude - that seems pointless right now and he isn’t really my type.

Switch dude is super into me but it has come out that he is newly separated from his wife (December) and he is with his cheating partner from that time. He says he regrets the timing of that situation and he’s trying to be ethical moving forward. Ugh. I don’t know. We may get together on Monday night but I think he’s probably going to be a no-go for me.

Cat profile guy in therapy - we’re still chatting. I’m going to try and get a date with him next week.

Who else? I have a few other prospects. I just started chatting with another guy with the same name as cat profile dude. We have a 98% match so that is interesting. He’s totally my physical type so we will see where things go.

Let’s see - I have 3 other guys I am sizing up. One guy is out of state until after the weekend, and we’ve agreed on a dinner date for next week but the day is open ended st the moment. We will nail that down soon. It seems we are super into each other over text but he’s on the shorter side so that may be an issue. He is monogamous but has lots of poly experience in that all of his more recent partners have been poly.

Other dude and I match very highly. He is poly and has a wife, and is looking for a FWB if I am remembering correctly. He wants to meet up on Tuesday but we will see. He is very red headed which is a little funny to me, seeing as how I just colored my hair last night!

I have been chatting a bunch with a guy I didn’t meet on OKC, who is in my DMs on Facebook constantly. He’s hit me up a bunch over the past 8 months or so, but I can’t seem to get a read on him. He has not hesitated to ask me out a couple of times but as I wasn’t dating anyone, I’ve always shot him down. He seems awful eager to send me dick pics but has refrained since so told him that’s not something I am interested in until after we are actually a thing. Lol

SmoothJazz and I have a day date set up for next Saturday - not this Saturday. I am going to drive to his condo and then he is going to take me to the Air & Soace Museum that I haven’t been to yet. (There are two.) I am looking forward to seeing him! I have always thought of him as the Black DarkKnight, and I always enjoy his company. He says he is seeing someone right now but she knows I exist and it isn’t serious yet with her. We’ll see where it goes. SmoothJazz isn’t going to be an option for me to get my sub stuff handled but I just like him - I would like to have him as an activity partner and FWB if that works out. He’s just so fucking sweet!

Jesus, writing all that out, my inbox looks crazy. However, I am feeling like these will shake out very quickly. A few I am already iffy about and I think it’ll only take one date to rule them out - or in.

SirGawain has hit me up again, and I told him I was back on OKC. He seemed rather unhappy about that. He has reiterated that he wants me in his life, no matter what that looks like. I tried to articulate how I felt but I am not sure myself. He definitely isn’t the Dom I need and crave right now, but the sex we had was good. He’s sweet too, and a decent human. We have a ton in common. But my time is not infinite as I know how much in love with me he is. I have a feeling that I would feel shitty a lot, dating him, knowing that he wants more that I am not able to give him. He told me straight up a few days ago that he doesn’t care what I can offer - he wants whatever I can give. That sounds desperate, but I don’t feel that he is - he really does have strong feelings for me. I told him I needed to work that out. His feelings give me such pause - as they did when I dumped him in December. I certainly feel better about that now though, after having really nailed down my trust issues in therapy. We will see.

I don’t want to give the impression that I am keeping SirGawain on deck as a backup option - because that isn’t the case. I do care about him.
 
Ugh I should have labeled all these mofos somehow.

Switch dude is getting weirder. Apparently he had a good first date tonight. I’m like, ok? I didn’t really need to know that, though, I am glad he told me. With the cheating past and issues with his soon to be ex-wife, I am not really interested anymore. It seems like his poly is a free for all right now and he doesn’t seem very trustworthy or safe to me. I mean, no shame dude, go get your freak on, but I would rather join a more stable arrangement. What good are recent tests if he’s banging several new chicks every week?

Cat selfie dude didn’t message me at all today. I had the highest hopes for him but a day of no contact early on is a pink flag on the field for me. We will see if he says anything tomorrow. That said, it doesn’t look like he came online at all, so it may well have nothing to do with me and just stuff in his own life.

98% match is a no go I think. He has two other relationships that are about an hour away that seem stable and he likes being a secondary. But, he isn’t into the same kinks as me and DDlg is a big no for him. So, again, we’re done.

Currently out of state guy is still chatting me up. I am still iffy on him.

Redhead guy is still interesting.

No contact today with Facebook dude or SmoothJazz or SirGawain.

I sent a new message to another guy who seemed to be AMAZING. But then when he shared his Fet profile, he went from hero to zero. He’s an experienced daddy and our kinks match SOLID. Personality is off the charts, and he has a ton of posts that are sexy, well-written and intelligent. But, he has a ton of back issues and suffers from depression. He’s like WarMan 2.0. Sigh. He also describes himself as demisexual on Fet, so i definitely don’t need a partner giving me less sex. Nope.

I hate dating. Have I mentioned that before? I haven’t even gone on any dates yet but the pickings are slim.

PunkRock called out of work today to spend the day in bed with me. We finished the Hobbit trilogy tonight, and I gave him a really good blowjob. He helped me out after with my purple buzzy dildo, so no complaints here! Lately he has been really good with follow through on my requests - but I think some of that may also be that i am being very specific about what i need from him. He has always been wonderful with making something a priority when I ask.

DarkKnight made a few attempts today to connect with me but we didn’t really because when I saw him I was running around getting things done with the kittens or the Blessing Box. Tomorrow night maybe, though i am in bed with him right now. It’s after 11 pm so he is out cold.
 
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Today is Fresh Food Friday at the Blessing Box and I’ve filled it up three times since 9 am. I’ve also had three doorbell rings, one was a mom requesting diapers, one was someone dropping off an oscillating fan, and the other was s Box regular who I hadn’t seen in a while, with a friend. She was asking for fruit (which was all gone out of the Box since I last filled it), and the two of them wanted to see the kittens.

I have started making separate photo albums for each of my kittens on their adoption page - Monday is when I can call and set their spay/neuter appointment. Two of them have really bad goopy eyes so they will be on hold a bit longer, and two of them aren’t going anywhere yet because they are still hissy and a bit feral.

I am waiting for DarkKnight to take his lunch break, so we can give the kittens the last of their medicine. Only one is still sneezing, and she was the one who started everyone else off. Sigh. So she probably won’t be fixed next week because she’ll be back on meds.

I have to run out after meds (and a shower!) because the kittens are out of food again, so I get to go drop $40. Yay? I will prolly snag a bag of litter as well, so that’s another $15. These little babies cost so freaking much!
 
Oh man - today! I don’t even know where to start.

I am done with switch dude. He sent me a message that his girlfriend is having issues with him dating - she thinks he has a sex addiction, etc. Yeah, uh, no I will not wait for you to work it out. I told him to feel free to hit me up a few months from now but Inhave no intention on being on OKC that long. Jesus dude.

Cat profile pic guy messaged me and we now have a date set on Monday night for dinner. He’s been radio silent since then. Not sure what to make of it. He seems off a little. I guess we will see.

Out of state guy is still burning up my inbox with chatty, fun messages.

Facebook dude was also chatty today; I think we might set something up soon.

PunkRock went to my therapy session and I was teary with some of it. Lots of shit dredged up surrounding my ex husband, WarMan and trash from my childhood. PunkRock was open about his ok-ness with me dating again and we talked about some other stuff. He says he wishes I could be happy with the level of sex I do get but seeing as how DarkKnight has cut me way back and he himself is not as ready to go as he used to be, there’s not much hope on that score. He says my libido is the same as when he first met me, for sure. Well, yeah. Lol The therapist says we will have a lot to discuss in upcoming appointments. Lol I bet.

I do feel like it was helpful. I have a lot to think about outside of the session, always. I think that is good. I told PunkRock that my anxiety about dating is always tied up with his drinking - he broke his sobriety because of me. It really seemed like he was ok with me dating, but he went off the rails when he thought I was really into something serious with WarMan. I mean, he never had that reaction before, or since. He said he finds that observation interesting because out of everyone I’ve dated, he really liked WarMan the best and that it’s a shame it didn’t work out. That comment was not helpful, as he has said it before. It just makes me want to cry. Sigh. Anyway, he says I can trust that nothing like that will happen again. So I will try to not get to thinking about that.
 
So I had my first date with cat profile pic guy. By the end of the night - which was like at 1 am, his cat was sitting in my lap purring! Lol Yeah it was an okay date. :)

I did not sleep or do anything sexual with the dude, I guess I should start out with that. We met at the Outback in Martinsburg, since that was like halfway between us - he lives in Winchester. It was a pretty decent meal and conversation. Date dude was clearly intelligent, well-apoken and into me. I wore my blue dress and looked smokin hot. I think I talked too much, honestly.

He invited me back to his house after commenting a couple of times about “if I came over after.” I told him straight up that Inwas not going to bang him - I didn’t have my diaphragm and he didn’t have recent tests. So, nope. He just started up with a new partner two months ago and he hasn’t been tested since then, so yeah, he needs new stats. He had zero idea that most regular tests don’t check for herpes anymore and he seemed very unhappy to learn that.

His new partner is a fwb that he says he is hoping will turn into something more - but she is moving to Arizona in December They are having a D/s relationship so far, but he says their schedules haven’t been meshing.

He kept telling me that I should take my top off, which I thought was kind of childish, especially since I was wearing a dress. He’s a photographer and has a studio in his basement and he joked about taking some naughty pics and I was like, most definitely not happening! He was a good photographer though - he had some photobooks and I looked through them.

We are a dead on match with all of our kinks and I could tell he was an experienced Dom. Lol That said, he stayed at one end of the couch and it was kinda awkward, honestly. I mean, other than telling me I should take my top off, he didn’t make any moves at all. I thought at least we’d makeout or something. He didn’t offer me a drink of even water.

He walked me to my car and gave me an actually pretty terrible kiss. Lots of open mouth and kind of weird.

I am not sure how I feel about the date overall, to be honest.

He seemed really bitter and unhappy with his ex and how his life has been impacted by her. I dunno. I would see him again, I think, at least for a second date. He paid for our dinner so i owe him a meal.I need to think about it.
 
I had been chatting the last two days with a guy from Greencastle that I found interesting - he was in like second place when it came to Doms I was talking to on OKC (behind the dude I had a date with). Unfortunately he burned it all to the ground today by sending me a message, telling me that he isn’t interested unless I would agree to in the future, consider being tied up in the woods and letting him send some of his friends over to fuck me. Um, what? He was completely serious - he wants all of his partners to be open to this, and he means like 20 friends.

So yeah, that was a hard pass. As hot as it sounds to me, I am not at all comfortable with this idea in real life for NUMEROUS reasons, and it’s incredibly crazy to just throw it out there at a stranger (me) like he did. Lol

Anyway, no date for woodland rape dude.

So I talked a BUNCH today - well looking st the time I guess I mean yesterday - with SirGawain. He and I discussed going on a date and I guess that is going to happen on Friday night. I told him I felt uncertain, but also kind of fluttery. I guess we will see where it goes. My main issue with him is knowing how he feels about me, and knowing that I am not in the same place as him emotionally, it kinda feels like I am stringing him along and being an asshole. I don’t want to cause him more pain - if we start dating and I can’t get there, he could end up feeling even worse. However, I think it is worth another shot. I feel as if so am in a much better place emotionally. We will see.

I actually had a different date scheduled for Friday, but Out of State guy messaged me and suggested we meet today instead. I was gung ho, so i agreed. Seriously, this dude is witty AF and respectful, intelligent - everything that I look for when talking to dudes on OKC.

We went to Red Robin and I paid for both of us. He is...not conventionally attractive but certainly not hideous. He’s 5’5” and I am 5’9” so that was a concern of mine but he carries himself so relaxed that it didn’t even seem like an issue. I wanted to like him a lot so a couple of conversational oddities I overlooked. We did really well overall though.

Near the end of the date J was digging him and ended up going back to his apartment! It was weird, again completely unplanned. I happened to get an urgent message from a Blessing Box donor and she lives in Martinsburg - she had a CARLOAD of bread and baked goods for me, but I had to pick up immediately. He told me that hey, he lives in Martinsburg and I could come by and see his Transformer collection.

He has a Rodimus Prime tattoo y’all. Bonus points for a Transformer tattoo but Rodimus? He is very unashamed of what he likes - which I like. It is good to see a dude who doesn’t care what others think! (Though, upon reflection, I don’t think I have dated too mny guys whonclme across as insecure!) So after telling him I wouldn’t be fucking him if I did come over, he told me that he hadn’t invited me to fuck him anyway. I was like DAMN. LMAO.

Guys, this dude is ME. Our humor is like exactly the same. He has a collection of Godzillas! We talked about SO MUCH and it was like, are you for real right now?!? Is this real life?! We have a 96% match on OKC and several times he mde comments or showed me something that had me seriously digging him so much that I would have considered sleeping with him right then, on the first date. The last time that happened, it was PunkRock. I am not even kidding. By the time I left his place I was crushing hard and could already feel NRE bubbling up. We belong to all the same subReddits! I showed him my cartoon Bristol Stool chart and he immediately went online, found it, and put it on his phone. LMAO

I totally didn’t sleep with him or even do anything sexual, except our goodbye kisses.That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have - thank god I didn’t have my diaphragm with me or I would have totally banged him just for being an amazing human. His last tests were at the end of April and he hasn’t had new partners since then, so that’s good for me! Oh, and strangely enough, when we discussed STDs he was chill about me potentially dating someone (SirGawain) who is HSV2+. He himself is negative but he said he just doesn’t worry about it much after reading about it in the past - he doesn’t want it, but he would just ask that I be as safe as possible and if I were to test positive or show signs that I would let him know, which I would anyway.

I am amazed at the connection i felt to this guy. He isn’t kinky but he is excited about fucking my ass. He isn’t completely vanilla but he definitely is not the Dom I am looking for unfortunately. Oh and SHOCKER he is now the second guy I have ever met who is not into receiving oral. He said he actually passes out when given head, and it’s not pleasant, so he doesn’t let chicks blownhim. He said his head is super sensitive. I asked him if deepthroating helps and he was like, uh, I have never had a chick do that, actually. This is completely weird! Like, what? He told me he doesn’t have a low body count - he stopped counting a while ago, but I’m like, come on, not a single one of all those chicks were willing? Ok!

This makes me think about my own body count - I don’t know the number myself. I *think* I told WarMan he was like 22 or 23 but it could very well be higher because I honestly stopped caring. I mean, what does it matter?

I am fucking up writing this because I am super tired so I will write more later. I need to give this guy a name, as I am positive we are going to be seeing lots of each other. Squeeeeeee!
 
Ok, well after my date on Tuesday with the out of state poly guy, he immediately contacted me and wanted to see me on Wednesday as well. I was digging him INTENSELY, so he came over to pick me up at my house. (He works in Chambersburg and lives in Martinsburg, so he goes right by my house almost every single day.) He sat on my patio with me for a bit and watched me interact with all of the Blessing Box visitors - I think that gave him a real appreciation for what I do everyday! He said a brief hello to DarkKnight (PunkRock was asleep) and then we went to his house to watch Shin Godzilla, which I wasn’t able to watch up to this point.

I totally banged him.

Twice.

We are a definite match. He told me straight up that he sees me as a girlfriend and wants to see me as often as possible. He and I both have NRE really bad. I’m like floating around, smiling. DarkKnight told me that our house isn’t big enough to contain this much squee. LMAO He is probably right!

I have added CornFlower to my siggy line. We had another date last night - he was in town, waiting to pick up a prescription, and he bought me a smoothie. I was glad to squeeze in an hour of time - it will probably be a regular occurrence, I think, so that will make me happy. :) We decided to spend the Fourth of July together next week, as he has it off from work. We’re going to eat Chinese and watch fireworks.

The name CornFlower is because we were laying in bed and we were telling his Echo Dot to change the bedroom light colors. You can say “Alexa, turn bedroom light to red” or green, blue, whatever. Brown looked like a murder scene so we were laughing. We tried burnt sienna and raw umber, but those were a no go. I told him to try CornFlower and it freaking changed! We laughed so hard, like CornFlower? For real? Why is that something that was programmed? Anyway, our humor is spot on and it has been fun to get to know him.

Last night after my smoothie date, I drove to Frederick to meet up with SirGawain. We are officially trying again. I am a little hesitant about some things, but I feel a warm glow. So, he too, is back on my signature list.

I have to stop writing - I want to gush more about SirGawain but I have got to get moving this morning to go see SmoothJazz in DC.
 
I am really glad I went to see SmoothJazz yesterday. I have known this dude for over 4 years and only just discovered that he is not someone I should be seeing. We had a really good time together at the Air & Space Museum in Virginia, and he took me to see a performance of The Merchant of Venice in the evening. Still, I found myself at home last night around 1 am.

The monogamous chick he was kinda seeing is actually his serious girlfriend of one year. She happened to be out of town this weekend. He says she knows about me, but I am fairly certain she doesn’t know that this was a date.

Yeah, we are done.

I am disappointed but not devastated or really upset. Just kinda - ugh. This does uncomplicate my life some so I am relieved to have a layer peeled away.

I have deactivated my OKCupid account.

What’s sweet is that both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce got me flowers last night, so they were on the table when I got home, which made me feel very loved. Yesterday PunkRock spent the entire day shooting skeet with two dudes from work, and on his way home he messaged me that he missed me a lot and wanted to snuggle. Lol Well he got his wish, since shit was going south in the DC area. Lol That said, I haven’t had sex with him in over a week so I am missing that a bunch.

Today I have a date day with DarkKnight and we are finally going to go and see Solo - that is the plan anyway.
 
Haha So I had a lot of conversations tonight with each of my dudes about Star Wars and ranking. Everyone seems to have a very heartfelt opinion on which movie is best and which is worst.

Both CornFlower and SirGawain say that Rogue One is the best out of the bunch, but PunkRock & I are solid original New Hope flag wavers. I mean, you can’t have Star Wars without it, it’s the bar, and it is set high. That said, I think I could switch my vote to Rogue One if it weren’t for the instantly forgettable male lead. Cassian? Is that his name? He’s just ugh. DarkKnight refuses to vote and he says it stresses him out to think about it. Lol

DarkKnight and I went and saw Solo finally, so that’s what started the conversation. I liked Solo just fine, in spite of that hate it has gotten. It’s not the greatest but it isn’t horrific or anything.

PunkRock hooked me up with some sexing tonight so that was nice.
 
I haven’t had a bunch of time to update lately, but I am trying!

I didn’t speak at all about my post-PunkRock therapy appointment, but I did want to say it was the best yet. I left feeling incredibly empowered. The therapist and I talked a lot about how to shut off the negative tapes in my head. Most days I have incredibly high self-esteem and what I would say is a healthy dose of pride in who I am. Jerkfaces don’t effect me much. However, I definitely have baggage I need to unpack (duh, therapy). My therapist is great about this.

One of the most dangerous(?) mindsets I can get caught up in is that I sometimes question the motives of the men I am with. Sometimes this is triggered, sometimes not. Like, with DarkKnight, I have such deep love and trust - he gets me, I get him - there aren’t many secrets between us and I feel we are solid. Not much can shake us. I don’t think this is news. Lol

Anyway, this issue was present before my disasterous relationship with WarMan, so I certainly will not lay it all at his feet. However, his admission that he lied constantly at the beginning of our relationship - that he would have said anything to me to get me into bed with him - that definitely didn’t help. The gaslighting that culminated in me going to see a neurologist thinking I was losing my memory and sense also did me no favors! It stuck that “be wary” tape into a permanently on position, even though I spent many months in therapy and took a year before dating again. SirGawain didn’t have a chance.

Hopefully he does now. I was confident a year ago that all was well though, so I have decided to be less sure moving forward. Rather than try to drown out the noise when I hear the tape playing, I am going to stop and listen, and then immediately evaluate. Hopefully that will help. My therapist says I am smart enough to know the difference if I pay attention - is this a warning that has merit, or one that’s just based on over-reaching anxiety?

That’s going to be my coping mechanism at present, and I am going to continue to unpack the baggage that I am still clearly carrying in therapy.
 
So tonight was interesting. PunkRock still isn’t home from work, but that’s ok. I am watching the new Queer Eye second season while I wait. DarkKnight was supposed to go to Film League with me at 7, but he said he would rather stay home. He was tired and the heat was really oppressive, to be honest, so I understood. CornFlower and I ended up going to dinner - we split a large order at Buffalo Wild Wings. After I got home, SirGawain joined me and we went to dinner - lol - only this time I just had a shake while he had an actual meal, at Red Robin. SirGawain came home with me and helped me with the kittens, and then he finger banged me on the couch. Squeeeee! It was super good y’all.

He hasn’t had any recent tests done, so no more fun than that was to be had. I have to say though, it was fun to not be able to do much. That sweet agony! He is going to the clinic tomorrow after work he says. :) Hopefully tonight convinced him to not miss out anymore!
 
I just spent two nights with CornFlower and all of the holiday. The fireworks were canceled but that was ok. I enjoyed my time with him, for sure. I did get my period, AND I fucking forgot my diaphragm in my other bag. That ended up ok though - he bought condoms and lube at Walmart and then we had some anal fun.

Crazy thing is though - he almost passed out during anal! I guess this happens during sex sometimes for him when he gets too excited. He is on several meds that effect his blood pressure, and apparently he was having too much fun. That was kinda crazy, though not unexpected because we had talked about it. He had told me that he had never been given a true blow job ever, because he’s too sensitive and will pass out. Any attention on the head is just too much, and when he tells his partners this, it seems to get them interested in doing exactly that - which makes him not interested in oral, at all, on the receiving side. I did give him a good deep throat on Tuesday night and that did the trick - he came all over my tits and face. Lol He said that was the only time that has ever happened in his life. That honestly was shocking to me but I don’t think he is making it up. Anyway, I ignored the head and just did my thing and it worked great. Lol He said either his partners will see it as a challenge, and immediately start licking the head and he passes right out, which stops everything, or they are glad they don’t have to do any blowjobs. Whatevs. I just asked if he wanted to try the deepthroat stuff and he was willing and it worked fine. Stupid women. lololol

He is so reserved and vanilla sexually. I have never been with a guy quite like this before. I mean, DarkKnight could arguably be even more vanilla, technically, but he at least takes charge somewhat. CornFlower was up to try anal at least, but it looks like that may be a no go. Geez though - most guys his age (38) have the opposite problem - they’ve been DEsensitied over time and can only come through oral or a certain rhythm. At least, that’s what my experience has been so far. He cums super fast once he gets inside me, but we work up to that so I have zero complaints in that regard.

He is super witty and hilarious - I love how our humor meshes so well. We deliberately set each other up for punch lines when we are having a conversation and we catch them constantly. It’s fun. We did seem to spend a lot of time doing what he wanted to do while we were together. It was fun, so I didn’t mind. I don’t think I would like that long term - I am wary of being sucked into someone else’s interests while neglecting my own. We will see how that goes.

Oh! And his cat was out of sorts that I was there. She is an only pet. She was super into me and giving me purrs and head butts and kneading on my lap. No warning signs at all. But then she pissed all over me. Not super fun. He was mortified and so was I. The cat was right back to being loving after I showered - seeking me out for affection and trying to climb on me. I would think that she was jealous except that she isn’t standoffish at all. Maybe she smelled my other cats and wanted to claim me as her own? I was paranoid about it happening again but she was fine. This was Tuesday night while we were watching Ready Player One on his couch.

So far, I spent the morning fielding messages for the Blessing Box and taking care of my foster kittens once I arrived home. I am going to shower in a short bit - I am waiting for DarkKnight to go on lunch break.

Tonight I have a movie date with SirGawain and I am not sure if he is coming to Hagerstown or if I am going to Frederick. He did go get testing Tuesday night, he says. No results yet but I am not concerned. He still has to buy a new bed and I won’t sleep with him til then.
 
So SirGawain and I didn’t end up at the movies. My day yesterday was crazypants so he bought me dinner in Frederick and then we did some bed shopping and just hung out and chatted. It was fun. Holy fuck he got me all heated up after the date. Apparently bad girls might be made to sleep on the uncomfortable mattress he currently has. He bought an underbed restraint system just for me. Squeeeeee. It’s different than the one WarMan and I used, but similar. That made me feel good that he is stepping up and being less switchy when with me - I am excited! We’re still waiting for his test results to come back. Can’t be soon enough.
 
Apparently movie dates just aren’t meant to be - DarkKnight and I skipped seeing Ant Man on Friday because it was sold out. Lame. We instead spent a chunk of time together - gosh I love him so very much!

Saturday I spent with CornFlower - we spent several hours in Chambersburg. We were at Fuddruckers, and then I finally upgraded my phone. I have an iPhone 8 now. It’s black with 256 gigs of space on it. All of my guys were giving me shit because my iPhone 6 had had its battery replaced, and it was always dying on me - I would run out of charge and it would overheat, and the 60 gigs wasn’t cutting it because I had 40 of those filled with photos. Lol I was so resistant to upgrading though - but I guess this one is alright. Anyway, CornFlower took me to 6 different stores to find a new case. I’m super picky with that so it took a while. This happened:

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In the evening, a friend I met through the Blessing Box came over and we sat on the front porch and talked, and then hung out in my living room. She’s super cool and it was nice to have some time with a friend!

Today I need to really focus on my Blessing Box - we have so many donations and they need to GTFO. That involves time and it’s been in short supply lately! PunkRock and I are supposed to go see the new Jurassic Park movie later tonight, and I have a few people who are interested in coming over to see the four kittens who have yet to find a home. Those babies get fixed tomorrow, so they can go home starting Tuesday.

I love my life.
 
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I just want to say that I am doing amazing lately with compliments. I certainly know when I am given one, but I am able to react positively. I especially like when CornFlower gives me one, because it’s always unexpected and it’s so...real. Like he never says the specific ones I used to have to have - like, “I like your legs,” or “Your hair looks good today.” (The general ones always made me wonky - “You’re beautiful,” or “you look hot.”)

CornFlower isn’t big on saying much at all but when he does, my heart just stops because it’s usually out of nowhere. Last week we had gone out on the 4th for Chinese and we were laughing and talking at dinner and he hit me with “You are phenomenal. I can’t believe this.” He made me sputter on what I was about to say, and then melt. The way he said it, the intensity of it - oh my! And then yesterday, we were looking at Legos in the Chambersburg Walmart, and I turned to walk toward him - he was further down the aisle - and as he was watching me walk he said, “you are so amazingly gorgeous that it makes me anxious.”

Jesus, could I ever not want someone to hit me with words like that? And he wasn’t just saying them. The look of wonder on his face each time - it’s like he was seeing ME. Even though I think those sentiments are nutters - I am SO overweight guys - I can’t argue because it’s very clear he believes what he just said.
 
I just want to say that I am doing amazing lately with compliments. I certainly know when I am given one, but I am able to react positively. I especially like when CornFlower gives me one, because it’s always unexpected and it’s so...real. Like he never says the specific ones I used to have to have - like, “I like your legs,” or “Your hair looks good today.” (The general ones always made me wonky - “You’re beautiful,” or “you look hot.”)

CornFlower isn’t big on saying much at all but when he does, my heart just stops because it’s usually out of nowhere. Last week we had gone out on the 4th for Chinese and we were laughing and talking at dinner and he hit me with “You are phenomenal. I can’t believe this.” He made me sputter on what I was about to say, and then melt. The way he said it, the intensity of it - oh my! And then yesterday, we were looking at Legos in the Chambersburg Walmart, and I turned to walk toward him - he was further down the aisle - and as he was watching me walk he said, “you are so amazingly gorgeous that it makes me anxious.”

Jesus, could I ever not want someone to hit me with words like that? And he wasn’t just saying them. The look of wonder on his face each time - it’s like he was seeing ME. Even though I think those sentiments are nutters - I am SO overweight guys - I can’t argue because it’s very clear he believes what he just said.

Yes. I totally hear you. Those are the most amazing compliments — sweet, direct, and totally genuine.
 
That's some weird stuff about Cornflower's extremely sensitive glans. Is he intact (un-circ'ed)? Glad you worked it out. But he passed out from PIA? I hope this doesn't turn out to be too disappointing. Especially since he's not the kinky Dom you really wanted. I hear you really like his personality at least.

I always deep throat when I give head. It's definitely strange he never got it before at age 38. And having had quite a few lovers. I love to give oral. But I guess there are a lot of women who'd rather not! I've definitely had a lot of lovers who don't like to give ME oral though. It's annoying af.
 
CornFlower is Jewish, er, lapsed Jewish? - like SirGawain - so he’s circumcised! It’s crazy, but it’s ok. We mesh in so many other ways that I don’t mind taking anal off the table. At least, before he takes his meds, anyway! X) It’s all good.

SirGawain and I had a sleepover two nights ago and it was pretty amazing. We had sex twice, both times were really good for me. We did some con-noncon stuff with the restraints, though it took a while to work out the length of the straps. Lol It was just FUN. He got me going with some attempted anal later on after we had gone to bed, but since it was the second round he had some difficulty with staying hard. Whatever. I had some good orgasms and we had some laughs over the attempts. I still hate his bed so fucking much though. He’s still waiting for an offer letter from the contract company he is working for - he’s a paralegal and promises that it should be coming in the next week or so. When it does he says it’s first on the list. I will be seeing him again Wednesday night - he invited me out to Bethesda where he works to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and to see the Mr. Rogers movie. I will be in NW DC earlier in the day for a survey company panel thing so the timing works.

SirGawain tells me that things are pretty dead with his girlfriend of 20+ years and they only had sex twice last year. She is “busy” and has life going on and apparently his sexual needs aren’t on her list of things to care about. His FWB that he sees a handful of times a year was supposed to be moving to Hagerstown but she has some personal stuff going on with her husband and kids and now she is staying long distance. Which makes me it. We have had a couple of discussions about the time I will be able to give him and he has reiterated again that he is happy with whatever that looks like. But I am pretty much his primary. I don’t know how I feel about that TBH. I don’t think I am going to be able to maintain that sort of designation with four dudes.

I had that discussion with CornFlower as well, about my time. Gosh I am still crazy squee about him!!! I told him he needed to be up front and COMMUNICATE his needs. If I am not seeing him enough, he needs to say so. He said he doesn’t want to be pushy as he knows my time is limited but I told him that he won’t get what he needs unless he is vocal about it. Don’t worry about the other dudes in his network - worry about himself first. I will handle the hinge things. He seemed to get it.

It turns out I was wrong on the timing with his ex. They had been dating for a year and had just opened up their relationship. She said she wanted to date girls and explore her bi-side. She dated a dude and two weeks later she dumped CornFlower saying she wanted to be monogamous. Holy fuck. That seriously sucks! I had thought they had been open the entire relationship, but that is definitely not the case.

I fucked up last night - I had a sleepover with CornFlower and forgot to put my diaphragm in. He thought I had earlier and it just wasn’t on my radar. We had really good sex with me on top, and he came inside me. This morning when I woke up my first thought was, oh! I should take out my diaphragm only to realize that IT WASNT FUCKING IN ME.

This has NEVER happened. I am 40. WTF?! We went to Walgreens and I took Plan B. He was mildly freaked out but supportive. I was worried that this would pretty much kill our relationship but he was like, no, and he’s been chatty all day on Messenger, so hopefully not. What sucked was then having to tell the other three dudes what happened. I was worried about PunkRock, honestly, but he got out of bed when I got home and gave me one of his amazing hugs. I forget sometimes just how loved I am. DarkKnight apparently heard the entire conversation PunkRock and I had about it, as we were under a central air vent in the basement, which leads up to DarkKnight’s office. So, when I went to go tell DarkKnight, he’s like, give me the receipt. Lolol Lolol I charged it to the Flexible Spending Account. That single pill cost $50 at Walgreens, and it was the last one on the shelf. I wanted to post on Facebook my disgust at the absolute waste of packaging it was encumbered with, but decided it would probably be prudent not to mention anything! Oh, I also messaged SirGawain and that conversation was good too.

Fuck though. That’s the first time I’ve had a serious fuck up like that, and definitely the first time I had to take Plan B. Honestly it was probably a waste, but better safe than sorry. I mean, I just got off my period 2 days ago, I’m 40 and I was on top - not the greatest position due to gravity. I don’t ovulate til like day 20 of my cycle - I track that shit. So odds are like close to zero I would get knocked up, but I am definitely not leaving that even the least bit ambiguous. It isn’t lost on me that the president would rather I not have this right to choose how to live my life, but I sure am glad I had it available as an option. Maryland codified Roe v Wade so even with this new Supreme Court bullshit, it should stay on the shelves here.
 
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No side effects at all from Plan B. CornFlower showed up after work with a copy of Dynasty Warriors 6 (so I could hack n slash & not think too much) and he went out to Mango Grill with Dan & I for dinner. PunkRock was held up over an hour at work, so that sucked. Still, I had been feeling insecure about everything with CornFlower but he completely reassured me that we’re good. I really appreciated that he took steps to make sure I was ok physically and emotionally. <3

Yesterday I was in DC for a research study on families and then I met up with SirGawain. He treated me to my favorite restaurant - Cheesecake Factory - and we saw the Won’t You Be My Neighbor? movie. Both were excellent.
 
I wish I had updated BEFORE I went to New York this weekend,because everything that was on my mind to write about is now pushed back into the recesses of my brain. Ugh.

Right now I am too tired to even think, so I guess I will just stop here and take a nap for a few hours.

I am super happy with myself and my life. I am less enthusiastic about the amount of drama I was dragged into while visiting my extended family this weekend. I will update as soon as I can form coherent thoughts.
 
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