Wide Awake

Re:
"I have the propensity to love more than one, but I am finding that I hate it and wish it was not so."

There are those who regret the propensity to love even one. Love always comes with the risk of heartache -- tears in the fabric of an otherwise beautiful life.

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"I am not a polyamorist now. I am not polyamorous. Maybe in theory but not in practise. What label would fit that?"

Monogamous but poly-friendly. How's that?

It almost sounds like you need to forgive yourself for being poly-friendly -- or at least for letting poly go too far in the past. So I guess ...

  • you must let go of whatever pain you brought into your own heart,
  • you must learn to sympathize with your past/poly self,
  • you must do something nice for that part of you,
  • you must learn to trust yourself again.
What are a reasonable set of steps you can take to restore that trust? and what part of the four-step process do you think you're on?
 
I honestly feel like I had an affair all those years. It sounds irrational because I was not doing it behind his back, but it is feeling all the same right now. What is the difference between what I did and having a long-term affair be revealed? I lost his trust and his respect. He wanted a divorce. I hurt him and caused him pain. I almost broke up my family. The aftermath was all the same. We had to rebuild. Maybe I need to resume therapy. I am not even sure how I got to the point of feeling like I had committed in plain sight adultery, but I might need to work from a new angle. Maybe it is not me feeling like I cheated on him but cheated him and myself out of something.

I like the steps you listed. I think I need to restore my trust in myself, learn to love who I am and what I have become, embrace my past, and learn how to not feel shame surrounding it. I foresee years of therapy in my life.
 
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Well polyamory is generally assumed to be based on two important things: knowledge, and consent. If your partner knows what's going on but doesn't consent, then by definition you're not practicing (healthy) polyamory. If your partner consents but doesn't know what he's consenting to, then by definition you're, well, cheating.

In your case with Matt and Kensi, Matt had knowledge, but did he really consent? I think at first he did. But the nature of the relationship changed over time so that Matt didn't feel like he wanted to consent. So at that point you had lost one of the knowledge/consent pair-elements so essential to polyamory. If it had been the knowledge element you had lost, you definitely would have been in the cheating realm. Since it was the consent element you (arguably) lost, it's uncertain whether to call it cheating, but it certainly seems to have something important in common with cheating.

So if you see in your prior relationship with Kensi an affair, you aren't necessarily misconstruing your terminology. It was a type of an affair: the knowledge-but-no-consent kind.

It's okay to confess these things; I think it's part of the repentance process. But somewhere later on in the process, you'll still need to forgive yourself. Otherwise the process is incomplete.

I'm sure there will always be things to remind you of the past. When you remember the past, you also remember your regrets. Regret is a mourning process. It takes time and processing through steps to wash the poisons out of your system. There's getting the regret out of the main part of your mind and heart, and then there's scouring it out of the furthest recesses; the deepest parts of your subconscious.

Perhaps more therapy will be needed. I think you'll know if and when you need to sign up for some more of that again.
 
  • you must let go of whatever pain you brought into your own heart,
  • you must learn to sympathize with your past/poly self,
  • you must do something nice for that part of you,
  • you must learn to trust yourself again.

I agree!

Be VERY careful about re-labeling the reality, this can be as destructive as pretending it didn't exist. When we re-label things, we set the focus in the wrong place and the real issues don't get addressed or fixed and later down the road, the pattern repeats itself. My husband does this and it drives me bat-shit crazy. He spends so much time focusing on what he thinks is the problem based on his new label, that he completely misses the mark and doesn't even see the original problem anymore, because he has convinced himself that it is this other thing. At which point I throw up my hands in frustration and defeat of ever getting a resolution.
 
Well polyamory is generally assumed to be based on two important things: knowledge, and consent. If your partner knows what's going on but doesn't consent, then by definition you're not practicing (healthy) polyamory. If your partner consents but doesn't know what he's consenting to, then by definition you're, well, cheating.

Tis true.

In your case with Matt and Kensi, Matt had knowledge, but did he really consent? I think at first he did. But the nature of the relationship changed over time so that Matt didn't feel like he wanted to consent. So at that point you had lost one of the knowledge/consent pair-elements so essential to polyamory. If it had been the knowledge element you had lost, you definitely would have been in the cheating realm. Since it was the consent element you (arguably) lost, it's uncertain whether to call it cheating, but it certainly seems to have something important in common with cheating.

I am viewing it like...cheating equates to rules or boundaries being broken. The first analogy that comes to mind is using your hands while playing football. Using steroids in any sport is another. Sure, it gives the player a boost and makes them feel good, but it is wrong. Obviously both against the rules and such actions constitute cheating.

In our case, boundaries were given and asked to be respected. The consent was lost. What he was initially indifferent towards was her being in my life in the capacity that she was. His consent had stipulations. All parties agreed to them. She was never to be involved in our relationship, engagement, or subsequent marriage. It was to be compartmentalised and separate from our relationship. He was happy as long as she was not in his path and did not infringe on what we had going on. He kept his end of the arrangement by rarely having contact with her outside of being cordial. Paths never had to cross. He did not have to pretend to be friends with her. She was never to be part of raising our children. Any and all decisions regarding them were to be made by the two of us. He did not consent to them having a third parent or even being one of two co-primaries. He resisted and fought me with those two changes. He was clear about those things. In that aspect, consent was not given. He said that long before the "I" and "will's" were exchanged and repeated them as often as necessary. Consent was nonexistent then, so I feel like I need his consent now for the most trivial of things. He has the knowledge, but knowledge does not equal consent.

These wonderful cheating thoughts hit me earlier in the week. I tried to ignore them first, but my efforts failed miserably. The trigger was feeling like the friendships with my ex and Kensi were stepping on the line of emotional infidelity. I am getting closer to Kensi. That night I was at her home I felt the shift in the atmosphere. I actually wanted to kiss her. My brain immediately knew it was a red flag and quickly dispelled that thought. I felt wrong about getting caught up in the moment, and I could not wait to tell Matt. It if it feels wrong, it must have been wrong, or did it feel wrong because I do not trust myself or my judgement? Was there any reason for me to even tell him about private thoughts that were not even shared with her? Other than practising full disclosure.

The same applies to my best friend. He knows the love is mutual, and he trusts me not to mess up. My best friend has been working in the region and surrounding areas since March, and I just saw her for the first time last week. I was avoiding her because our friendship felt like it was bordering on inappropriate. We are not doing anything that we have never done before. It is strictly platonic--as she respects my wishes to not act on any available feelings, but I was feeling shady when it came to her.

So if you see in your prior relationship with Kensi an affair, you aren't necessarily misconstruing your terminology. It was a type of an affair: the knowledge-but-no-consent kind.

Absolutely.

It's okay to confess these things; I think it's part of the repentance process. But somewhere later on in the process, you'll still need to forgive yourself. Otherwise the process is incomplete.

I suppose I will have to forgive myself. First things first, I need to figure out what I need to forgive myself for and call it by name.

I'm sure there will always be things to remind you of the past. When you remember the past, you also remember your regrets. Regret is a mourning process. It takes time and processing through steps to wash the poisons out of your system. There's getting the regret out of the main part of your mind and heart, and then there's scouring it out of the furthest recesses; the deepest parts of your subconscious.

You are a very wise man. Can I power wash my system and be done?

Perhaps more therapy will be needed. I think you'll know if and when you need to sign up for some more of that again.

I think my desire to be the perfect, little mono wife has lead to me driving myself mad. I have become obsessed with honouring our marriage and not hurting him again. I am not doing anything wrong, but I believe I am because I do not have his consent to do it. He trusts me and my judgement at all times, but what about consent?

It might do us well to discuss boundaries, what constitutes cheating, what constitutes an emotional affair, what is crossing the line, etc. It is in writing in a legal document, but we have not sat down since Kensi rejoined my life.

I feel like I need Matt's consent and stipulations in order to feel comfortable being close with people I have feelings for. Maybe his trust should be enough. Maybe I need to learn how to trust myself. Subconsciously, I know what is wrong because I dispel any thoughts that would be destructive if I acted on them.

My therapist is going to love having me back in her office. :eek:
 
I agree!

Be VERY careful about re-labeling the reality, this can be as destructive as pretending it didn't exist. When we re-label things, we set the focus in the wrong place and the real issues don't get addressed or fixed and later down the road, the pattern repeats itself. My husband does this and it drives me bat-shit crazy. He spends so much time focusing on what he thinks is the problem based on his new label, that he completely misses the mark and doesn't even see the original problem anymore, because he has convinced himself that it is this other thing. At which point I throw up my hands in frustration and defeat of ever getting a resolution.

I am trying to be cautious of that. It is frustrating for me because I have no idea what the real issues are at this moment. I think I need to do some investigating or just shelve this and deal with it later.

Matt was recounting everything I have done to reinvent myself (i.e. erase the past and pretend that it did not exist). Quite an extensive list. I had no idea how bad it was. Prime example. While at my ex's birthday dinner, I controlled how I was introduced. Ex-girlfriend was never mentioned. Old friend was sufficient. Despite not knowing any of them, I still felt like I needed to hide that past part of me.

I believe I quit therapy too soon. Our marriage is healthy and strong, but I am a hot piping emotional mess. My head and my heart are opposing forces. My heart is like, "Oh, I still have feelings for her," but my head is saying, "Do not put yourself in a position to do anything stupid."

Meanwhile, hubby dearest is trying to send me away for the weekend to de-stress. He has been trying to help me, but like you. He has thrown his arms up , shook his head, and laughed while walking away.
 
Re (from FullofLove1052):
"You are a very wise man. Can I power wash my system and be done?"

Haha ... sure you can but that costs extra. ;) Get the deluxe wax job too as long as you're going all-out.

Re:
"It might do us well to discuss boundaries, what constitutes cheating, what constitutes an emotional affair, what is crossing the line, etc."

Sounds like a good idea.

Re:
"My therapist is going to love having me back in her office. :eek:"

Her cross to bear. :D

We can only do the best we can, right? Use your best judgment, and let your therapist help you to make good judgment calls.
 
Good morning. Happy Thursday. Last day of the work week. (!!!)

My mum and daddy have made it to 39 years of marriage as of yesterday (today for them), and I am looking at them in awe. 42 years together, 39 years of marriage, 3 adult children (two of whom are married), 1 teenager, a five year old, and six grandchildren. They have weathered some of the toughest times imaginable including but not limited to: losing a child shortly after birth (my sister's twin), burying parents and grandparents (both of my father's parents/mum's two stepfathers, her biological father and my great-grandmother--both in 2008), etc. Yet, they are still in love and with one another because they genuinely want to be. My mum said if she had to do any of it all over again, she would still choose my daddy--tough times and all.

As a small child, their relationship was the first relationship I saw day in and day out. I knew I wanted a bond like that. They have this admirable mutual respect for one another, and it is a breath of fresh air. I see the way my mum looks at my daddy when he is not paying attention. It is the look of love and admiration. I want to wish them the happiest anniversary, and I look up to them a great deal. I aspire to have what they have, and we might actually be on the right path now.

I wrote the following passages on 2 May 2013:

It does not help that my own parents have been married five days shy of 38 years. We just hit the 11 year mark, and I swear that we have been doing it wrong the whole time. I am envious of what they have. I know it is not fair to compare my marriage to theirs, but that is something to aspire to have. I see the way they look at each other, and the way my daddy talks about mum is indescribable. After being together all these years, he still makes her blush. When I was growing up, I remember thinking, "I want that one day." My parents have always been honest and said that it was not always easy, but the bad times were worth it.

My mum urged me to take some time off and spend a week alone with my husband. Her exact words were, "Leave those grands with us, get out of London, and take that husband of yours with you. Talk, reconnect, and for God's sake, act like you care about your marriage. Stop treating it like a business arrangement devoid of any emotion and full of board room style arguments. Your marriage needs your undivided attention. Not a two minute chat while you are brushing your teeth and mumbling some incoherent words due to sleepiness." My mother always could humble the hell out of me and bring me back down to reality.

Last year, we were in the early months of recovery around their anniversary, so there were pangs of envy. Matt and I were taking shots at each other left and right. He was being a dick. No other way to put it. He was hell bent on making me feel what he felt. I cringe at some of things he said and his overall attitude towards me. For the first few months, I was no more than a roomie with benefits. I barely touched on it here, but he was something serious. At one point, he flat out told me he did not want to be around me, excused himself, and left. He was spending more time away from home--to avoid me--than anything else. 4-5 AM nights were his norm. If I asked where he was going, "Out," was his chosen response. If I asked when he would return, "Late," was the chosen response. He had more walls up than the Great Wall of China. When he was not doing that, he was reminding me how much I was gone or reiterating his part-time (read that as 20%) wife beliefs. I spent a lot of time being ignored or trying to get him to thaw out. Affection was unreturned, and he pulled away more often than not. It was too much to get a half-arse hug out of him on some days. No "I miss you," "I love you," or even words were exchanged. There were bright spots, but he would shut down with no warning and pretend like I did not exist.

I tried to be the person who never complained or showed cracks in my strength, but privately, I did some crying during that period. The bad part is he had hardened himself to the point of not feeling any empathy or even caring if I was crying. He went as far as to tell me, "Your tears aren't moving me, Princess." If anything that made me cry even more. It was terrible, and I was not used to his icy nature and overall coldness towards me. He was a stranger, and I just could not understand. He walked and talked like the man I had married, but there were no reminders of that person. The man I married would never have treated me the way he did. I had undergone mammograms and pap smears more pleasurable than being around him in those beginning weeks. I hope we never get back to the point. I must say those were our darkest hours.

Matt and I have been together a few days shy of 14 years in totality. 14 years as of 11 May, and I feel like we have been through some tough things. They are rather minor when you compare them to what my parents have overcome. We are soft as cotton and need to toughen up. We have been married 12 years, and honestly, this past year is how I wish all the others had been. I actually believe this marriage will last now. Considering divorce was a real possibility this time last year, it is a stark contrast. Lord knows we have come a long way. Will we make it to 39 years like my mum and my daddy? I certainly hope so.

My mum might be on to something with what she said: "Never put anyone but God before your marriage and spouse. That includes your children. Friends will come and go. You won't always be working. You won't always be who you are now. Your marriage is an investment. Protect it from anything and any person not in it." I now understand what she means. I originally believed in the notion that the marriage needs to be before the children and by proxy, additional partners. I let go of that believing it was "couple's privilege" (complete and utter bullshit), and it was a mistake. When all the children leave home, a couple only has whatever they have built. They have the second half of their lives to live minor child-free, and the relationship has to be taken care of all the time. A career, children, taking care of elderly parents, etc. are not excuses for neglecting the core. My mum says that her and my daddy are the best of friends and companions before anything else. They put their marriage before us because when we are all off living our lives and blazing on our trails, they will be there together, and they have to make it last. A marriage cannot be built with the children as the centre and the only conservational piece. That is not to say that if we were ill, she would go on a date with my daddy and leave us to fend for ourselves. It was never like that, but now I get what she means. We are in agreement that we need our marriage to be healthy and happy because we have three little duckies who are looking up to our example--just as we looked up to our parents as children.

I am in a blissful mood, and I will not let anyone steal my joy. I hope everyone has a superb morning, afternoon, or evening.
 
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Glad to hear that your ship is now sailing in the direction of your parents' marriage. :)
 
Beautiful.

I find such inspiration in your honesty, and your ability to reflect on such a painful time. I have so much respect for both you and Matt for finding your way through the jungle of hurt that you were both in. You have come so far, and your marriage is a testament to what true commitment contains. I wish that my own story had experienced this same re-centering and re-commitment, but we are all on different paths. You are incredibly brave, and I take my hat off to both you and Matt.
 
I remember reading somewhere that the bonds between people who've been through hell together (traumatic experiences, battle, etc.) can be incredibly strong, based on coming through the hardship together. You and Matt have been through hell and back, and I do believe that getting through it successfully only makes a relationship stronger. I'm glad things are going well for you two.

Don't worry about not living up to your parents' relationship - you're continuing to build a strong one of your own, a different one, and that's as it should be. Your parents may have gone through different hells of their own.

A big congrats to your parents on their anniversary, BTW. :)
 
It is frustrating for me because I have no idea what the real issues are at this moment. I think I need to do some investigating or just shelve this and deal with it later.

This is understandable. Admitting to struggling with finding the real issue is a good step. Sometimes we can "investigate" or beat an issue to death and that in itself becomes a bigger problem, so sometimes shelving it for now can be helpful, especially when no answers are forthcoming at this time. It's very likely that there are no answers, because it's no longer a real issue based on other actions we have taken.

I believe I quit therapy too soon. Our marriage is healthy and strong, but I am a hot piping emotional mess.
So start up again. If I remember, you were on therapy overload and needed a break, now that things are in a different place, maybe it's time to start up again. New starting point and new/different issues. Do NOT forget to stop and take a look at all you have accomplished so far.
 
YAH, I have often heard my elders say that. I would imagine so. I can think of quite a few examples in my family and his family, too. I am closer to Matt now. There are still days where I want to strangle him--usually about him being tight with finances--but all in all, I have no complaints with him. He has put up with me all these years, so I hope he knows that it is too late to run away from it all.

I agree. I simply appreciate and respect the longevity. In this day and age, some people just give up at the first sign of trouble. I want no part of their trials and tribulations. I have had my share of hell the past year. :)
 
I was trying to avoid going back to therapy. I suppose I will know when the time is right to resume, or I will work out my issues internally. Unless she can help with my desire for emotional monogamy, I am not sure I need to be in a rush to go back. I can ignore my feelings for others and treat them as irrelevant, but that does not erase them or make me feel any better about loving someone other than my spouse. Having feelings for others makes me feel like I am being at the very least emotionally unfaithful, and it goes against what I am trying to achieve. I have no interest in being a hybrid of poly and a monogamist. This is where the conflict is coming in.
 
Perhaps this is like quitting smoking, and you still catch yourself thinking, "Mmmm, a cigarette sounds really good right now." Is there any chance this is a case where you're catching yourself thinking, "I'm seriously thinking about having that cigarette right now?" Notice the key difference in the wording there.
 
Perhaps this is like quitting smoking, and you still catch yourself thinking, "Mmmm, a cigarette sounds really good right now." Is there any chance this is a case where you're catching yourself thinking, "I'm seriously thinking about having that cigarette right now?" Notice the key difference in the wording there.

Interesting play on words.

No, I do not want the figurative cigarette. The patch must be working overtime because that cigarette never sounds good. It is like I recognise the damage that cigarette could do to my otherwise healthy living, so I know to avoid it.
 
Well, that's a hopeful sign. :)
 
Part I: 100th Birthday Celebrations, Mother's Day, and Bungy Jumping?

I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day.

I had a brilliant weekend, so I am in excellent spirits.

Friday: we flew to Sydney for an overnight stay. While at the airport, I received the best surprise. My MIL knew how much I had been missing my mum and family, so she made arrangements to get them here for a long weekend. My mum tapped me on the shoulder, and I could have cried. I hugged her for what seemed like forever. I just saw my mum last month, but I was recovering from pneumonia. I do miss seeing her all the time. My brothers are on a half-term break, so they are leaving on Tuesday morning. I am happy about that because I did not want them missing school.

We were in Sydney to attend my grandmother-in-law's 100th birthday party. It was a special evening because she is 100 years old. It is a major milestone, and I am happy that we were able to celebrate it with her. She is a class act, and I love how close we have gotten over the years. I respect her a great deal, and I am honoured to have someone like her in my life.

Matt and I went out after our children were in bed. Admittedly, I was distracted. I felt comfortable sharing what has been bothering me. We talked about my recent concerns. Basically, he trusts me. He does not think I should isolate myself from my best friend or even my ex because of the existing feelings. He believes I would do well to trust myself and my own judgement. He was quick to point out that I am still holding on to my end of our arrangement and respecting our marriage, so obviously, I am capable. He has no issue with me having feelings for someone else as long as there continues to be no disrespectful or trust breaking conduct. He spelled out what constitutes disrespectful, trust breaking, and even marriage sacrificing. We did discuss boundaries. He let me take the lead and listened intently. Anything physical like PDA or any romantic exchanges will be limited to my marriage. Personally, I do not feel comfortable carrying on in certain manners. He said, "Whatever makes you comfortable, sweetheart. Never been one to tell you what to do. Not starting now either. " The flirty, non-sexual exchanges with my best friend are done. Regardless as to what he says, it comes off as disrespectful to me. Yes, he has been aware of it, but to someone looking in and not familiar with the dynamic between Brit and myself, it would look bad. (Why is his wife kissing someone else?) According to him, I am putting too much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, and I just need to chill. That might be true, but I have to be mindful of how I conduct myself. The talk was productive, and I am sure more chats will be had in the future about why I felt like I was nothing but a candy coated cheater. Our date night was not the time. I was willing to discuss that, but my interest in discussing it further waned.

We left the lounge a little after 2. We were both hungry because dinner had worn off. We had Hungry Jacks (the American equivalent is Burger King). Matt thought it my unpretentiousness was ace. He said, "A woman who wears a dress that costs more than a mortgage while tucking into fast food is my kind of woman." That is how I roll.

We made it back to our suite around 3ish, and we were both exhausted, so we made love in the shower and went to bed.

Saturday: the whole family flew to Queenstown. I was feeling like a bad ass, so we went bungy jumping. 134 metres of liberation. Matt and I did the swing together. Nothing more sexy than straddling your man and swinging hundreds of metres above the ground with a reinforced rubber band holding you together. :rolleyes: It was exhilarating.

We had afternoon tea overlooking Lake Wakatipu with the Remarkables as the backdrop. We took all of the little ones ice skating and to this indoor activity centre. The last stop was Amisfield for lunch Some of the adults chose to go wine tasting. The younger children enjoyed the fresh air and running around. We headed to the airport and jetted to Kerikeri. My little ones slept the whole flight. We checked in at our resort. Since one family is Anglican and one family is Catholic, we found a way to respect the beliefs of both families. We attended a Saturday evening Mass and rested until dinner.

After multiple courses and dessert, we were all ready to retire. We headed back to the resort and said our good-nights. Matt and I did our bath and bedtime routine with our two youngest children. I checked on our oldest, and she was getting ready for bed. We talked for awhile. It has been a pleasure to watch her blossom and come out of her shell.

Matt went to bed before me. My mum and I trekked down to the private beach and went for a midnight stroll. I love our heart to hearts. She told me she was proud of me and how much I had grown up. She admitted to worrying about me because she could see that I was hurting myself and those I loved. As a mother, she decided to let me make my mistakes and learn from them. We talked about my past, and she (finally) admitted what I always suspected. I cannot be mad at her for speaking her truth. I respect her for being honest and comfortable enough to tell me what was hard to hear. My mum and I have always been close, and I will always be happy to spend time with her. Never will I ever be too busy or too wrapped up in my world for her. Before we headed in, I stopped and hugged her. She asked what the hug was for? I responded, "I do not say it half as much as I should, but I love you." Best start to Mother's Day.

Today: my children surprised me with breakfast in bed. I started my morning with a delicious breakfast and cuddles with all three. Matt had our son give me an envelope when I got out of the shower. I opened it, and it was a spa day at Kauri Cliffs. All the men in the family wanted every mum to relax and not have to lift a finger.

We attended an Anglican service Sunday morning, and then, we were whisked away by helicopter. The Bay of Islands is truly stunning from the air. When we landed on the heliport, we were greeted with champagne and shown to our individual spa suites. We were all early for our treatments, so we had morning yoga and lounged in the sauna and Jacuzzi. In between treatments, we were treated to a three course lunch in a private garden. The treatments were a godsend. New Zealand Manuka honey is my new favourite. My skin is silky, and I am still in a state of euphoria. Outside of the treatments, I rarely get to spend time with Matt's sisters and the in-laws, but I had a very enjoyable morning/early afternoon with them. They are a diverse group of women, and I would like to think we bonded over the weekend.

We left the spa a little before 4, and we made it back to our resort before sunset. Our husbands and children (with the help of a few chefs) had spent the day creating a sumptuous dinner from the heavens. I must admit the meal was delicious. We started with fresh oysters and ceviche, spinach, arugula and macerated strawberry salads, and crayfish bisque. The main was Wagyu Filet Mignon topped with bianchetto and caramelised onions with sides of Potato Puree, Steamed Organic Carrots, and Grilled Asparagus. We had a dessert trio and our choice of Petit Fours. Each course was paired with an NZ wine. My favourite was the dessert wine. It perfectly completed the Pavlova I fell in love with. We capped the meal with blooming tea.

After dinner, we took our children to see Rio 2 and to the beach. I was presented with my gifts. I loved all of them. I appreciate the effort and thought more than anything, though.

Every day is Mother's Day for me because I am honoured to be a mum of three angels. They have no idea how much the inspire me to be better than the day before. I love being a mum. By far the greatest thing I have ever accomplished. No amount of net worth, degrees, holiday homes, money, or anything can compare to the love and pride I have in being a mother.
 
Part II: Family, Forgiveness, and Decadent Gelato

Matt and our children returned home earlier today. He went to work and got them to school on time. I did not want them missing school, and the left before the sun was even up. I was already scheduled to be off, so I had no worry of missing work. My parents and I decided to stay at the villa until checkout, and we flew to Auckland, so we could return to Sydney. I spent the entire afternoon with my family, and it was a very relaxing day. Everything from surfing with my brother to having lunch with my daddy. We made it back to Sydney about four hours ago. We had dinner and did some sightseeing. Since they have to be at the airport for an insanely early time, they have already retired for the evening. I am out right now and waiting for my youngest sister-in-law to get here. I am about 10 km east of Sydney, but it is a nice, beachy area, so I am never one to complain about that.

I talked to Kensi a little while ago. She left me a voicemail for Mother's Day. I had my phone in airplane mode, but it was sweet of her to call. I have adopted a policy of full disclosure with her, so I have to be careful of how I say things. It is never my intent to offend, but delivery and presentation are everything. I am still on burnout, so no seeking therapy. It is quite funny how the message at the Anglican church yesterday spoke volumes to me. The sermon was all about forgiveness. I could say, "I have truly forgiven and let it go." The message hit home for me, and it was like he was speaking directly to me. I was thinking, "Get out of my thoughts, sir." I am happy we are rebuilding little by little. Life seems to have gotten better now that I am not carrying that weight around. It was weighing me down and running me down. Not forgiving her was bad for my health and state of mind. I have read medical journals regarding Behavioural Psychology and forgiveness. Yet, I never acknowledged what I was doing to myself by holding on to all of that.

She asked me if she soured me on poly? Truthfully, a little bit. I do not ever want to encounter another cowgirl in my life. One was enough. I am fiercely protective of my marriage and family. I was entirely too lax in the past, and it bit me in the bum. Our therapist called it a potential negative. I call it a lesson learned. Someone I know once implied that my decision to never date again is fear based. Sorry, cupcake. Not quite that simple. I do not believe it would serve any purpose to date anyone ever again. I am not dating material.Better for me to admit that than to break a heart. All some poor person would do is never get their needs met because couple's privilege or family privilege would reign supreme. When that is not happening, they would have to respect my arsenal of boundaries. 99% are non-negotiable. I would not want overnights. I would not cut down on family time or time with my children. I would not want a second sexual relationship. I am no longer comfortable with that. I would not want them to ever interact with my children, which in turn means, they would never be in my home. Under no circumstances would the relationship ever be out or exposed to my family, my friends, or his family and friends. Whatever I did in the past would be the polar opposite of the present. I know that I have nothing to offer someone but friendship. I have not fallen in love in 14 years. I keep a tight knit circle, so the odds of me falling in love again are virtually nonexistent. I am not keen on new people, and I do not warm to new people with ease.

My daddy asked about Kensi, which is what prompted all this. I explained the above to him. We had a lengthy discussion about my ex and my relationship with her. He admitted to being a bit ashamed of my choices and never telling anyone about her. He proudly mentioned his son-in-law, but she never came up. Even if someone asked because they had heard something through the grapevine, he would not engage in the conversation. He said my being a lesbian was a hard enough pill to swallow, but the choice to be poly and out did embarrass him. Subconsciously, I knew that. I could see the look in his eyes when she was around, and I knew he was uncomfortable with her being present. He always kept his distance. It was hard to listen to him, but I needed to hear it. It is the first candid conversation we have had about her and the end of our relationship. Daddy takes the stance of letting his children live their lives and not butting in. I was surprised when he said he hoped I would let go of Matt and let him be happy. I learned quite a bit over our discussion. I could never be mad at my daddy, so that conversation is water under the bridge. I would love to have a chat like this with my mum, but I think she is too busy privately celebrating that I am "normal" now. :rolleyes:

I hope everyone is doing well. I am about to enjoy some red velvet gelato, talk to my SIL, and eventually head back to my hotel for a few hours of sleep. I will probably be heading straight to work when I step off of my flight in the AM. I suppose I have not given up all of my jet-setting ways. I am a bit sad because my family is leaving in a few short hours, and I am not entirely sure when I will see them again. Either way, I loved having them here, and I will miss them dearly. Good-night.
 
Wonderful and engaging narrative. I am glad you had, not only a very enjoyable weekend, but a very candid one as well. I like how the past could be discussed in an honest and respectful way.

Not much going on on this side of the globe. Temps are supposed to go up a lot mid-week this week, but otherwise it's been rather cool. Anyway, glad to read your new posts, they were encouraging.
 
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