Privacy concerns

Piroska

New member
I have a question for you all - it's not really a poly question, but it pertains to privacy, which does come up in polyamory a lot, so maybe this is ok?

My boyfriend and I just had a huge fight.

I am a fetish performer, live and videos, and writer of erotica among other things. I use the same pseudonym for all of those sorts of things, including a facebook profile, twitter, okc, the whole nine yards. I also have a separate facebook etc profile for my family and vanilla businesses. I met Morp on fetlife, so when we added each other on facebook, I was using the facebook profile that matched my fetlife one. When things got more serious, I switched him as a "friend" to my family/personal facebook profile. My family name is very highly identifiable; the only people in the world that have that last name are my husband's family. So I am very careful about the crossover between my performing name and my family name. I trust him; he'd had my name for some time before I switched it.

I had been nagging him every once in a while to set up (even just an empty) facebook profile that I could use to link to him as a relationship on my performing facebook profile - but if he doesn't, it's not a huge deal. It would be nice, is all. So I was looking at his facebook profile... and realized his facebook username (that he uses for his family and business) is exactly the same as his fetlife username. For me, this would be NOT OK. I didn't want to make a big deal about it though, so I merely pointed it out. He got upset with me, because he thought I was bitching and nagging again, and unfriended me on facebook, over my objection. I dropped it and changed the subject. Eventually, we stopped talking as he was busy at work, and I was busy at home. (we primarily talk IM-text while he's at work)

I got curious if he had used the same username on anything else - he'd told me he used it on online games, that that was where he got it from for fetlife - but I didn't expect anything else. I put it into google, and an OKC profile popped up. I was delighted - I had been curious for some time what he would answer to some of the questions I had on my profile, but I was already nagging him about facebook so I didn't dare suggest he create one on okc too - so I perused it.

Of course, when you are a free user on OKC, when you look at someone's profile, it lets them know. I knew he'd see that I saw it. His reaction when he got the notification was not what I expected - he completely flipped out. He saw it as an invasion of privacy, because I hadn't asked him about an OKC profile, because I'd googled his username. He said it was a double standard that I wanted to keep my privacy but that I violated his.

I had a few points that I tried to explain in a calm and non-temperamental way:
A - it is a public profile on a public site. (even though he told me it was "hidden")
B - this is exactly why I keep my performing and personal name separate. (he calls this a double standard, that I want to keep mine separate just in case someone googles them, but that I google his)
C - it concerned me that my personal name linked to his personal name that linked to his gaming/fetish name that linked to my performing/fetish name.
D - there is no violation of privacy if it is public information. (again, exactly why I take pains to keep them separate)
E - one of the questions on his OKC profile is something to the effect of 'would you google someone you were curious about on okc' and his chosen answer was 'yes - knowledge is power' (so how, again, is this me having a double standard?)
F - one can only have as much privacy as one actively maintains. He says that he has not googled me and therefore I shouldn't do so to him or anyone else. but I told him I don't care if he did - I trusted him, or he wouldn't know my full names - so if he wants to google, have at it. It was all the rest of the random people I don't trust.

I feel that I am completely in the twilight zone or something here - I do not understand how this is my fault or why he is so furious with me. If I am completely off base, maybe someone could point that out. If my reasoning makes sense, maybe someone could explain it in such a way that he understands my point.

Finally - yes, I know I started things on the wrong foot today by nagging him about the facebook profile. I also acknowledge that talking via text is the worst for emotional discussions, because you lose so much communication. I also admit I may have not completely kept my cool, which probably didn't help, but I was trying really hard.
 
Ok, firstly, I have to question exactly why how he manages his privacy in relation to online social networking sites bothers you so much. The fact that you choose to keep your accounts so rigorously separated, probably for all the right reasons given your profession (ie strangers who see you perform look you up), doesn't mean he is obliged (as your partner) to uphold the same standards. I understand that him not being as vigorous could potentially put you at risk because maximizing your privacy on Facebook requires your friends to have similarly stringent settings. But this doesn't necessarily mean you get to dictate how he manages his accounts, unless this was something you had negotiated when you started the relationship and/or added one another on Facebook.

You googling him isn't a huge deal, it would have been better to simply ask what you wanted to find out though, more forthcoming. I prefer that word to honest because it encapsulates these sort of situations where a person does something furtively. But, again, why does it matter? Why does him using the same username for all his online accounts bother you so much? Is it a) you feel your partners should feel/behave the same as you, b) you fear he may compromise your security or c) you feel this difference in online account security is a fundamental incompatibility.

If its closer to a, my response is that you need to be less controlling. If its b, you need to understand that not everyone's circumstances warrant the kind of management you require and perhaps you should mention it before you add people and ensure they are willing to adhere to your standards. And if it's c, well, not much I can say.

I wouldnt say you violated his privacy, but you weren't forthcoming about what you wanted to know and why you wanted to know it. That would be a red flag for me. If I felt this sort of thing was habitual, it would be a deal breaker. If I felt you thought my life had to mirror yours because we were in a relationship and now I was expected to make the same choices as you, I'd find that domineering and break up with you.
 
First, let me say, london, this was a huge help to get me out of my head and see another perspective.

Ok, firstly, I have to question exactly why how he manages his privacy in relation to online social networking sites bothers you so much. The fact that you choose to keep your accounts so rigorously separated, probably for all the right reasons given your profession (ie strangers who see you perform look you up), doesn't mean he is obliged (as your partner) to uphold the same standards. I understand that him not being as vigorous could potentially put you at risk because maximizing your privacy on Facebook requires your friends to have similarly stringent settings. But this doesn't necessarily mean you get to dictate how he manages his accounts, unless this was something you had negotiated when you started the relationship and/or added one another on Facebook.

You googling him isn't a huge deal, it would have been better to simply ask what you wanted to find out though, more forthcoming. I prefer that word to honest because it encapsulates these sort of situations where a person does something furtively. But, again, why does it matter? Why does him using the same username for all his online accounts bother you so much? Is it a) you feel your partners should feel/behave the same as you, b) you fear he may compromise your security or c) you feel this difference in online account security is a fundamental incompatibility.

The answer to this one is B. It definitely a case of if people can find him from either direction (his personal name or his fetish community name), and I link to him one place with my personal name, and another place with my performing name, then suddenly, someone can use google for 30 seconds and link my two names together, and all my separation becomes meaningless. I did explain to him why I do things the way I do, when we first linked on facebook, and at the time I did not realize that his profile name (the name that shows in the link to a person's profile) was the same as his fetlife one. But you are correct, I should have been more clear and negotiated this.

If its closer to a, my response is that you need to be less controlling. If its b, you need to understand that not everyone's circumstances warrant the kind of management you require and perhaps you should mention it before you add people and ensure they are willing to adhere to your standards. And if it's c, well, not much I can say.

So I guess the solution would be to simply not add his profile on my personal profiles then. So I guess that part is solved - he unfriended me.

I wouldnt say you violated his privacy, but you weren't forthcoming about what you wanted to know and why you wanted to know it. That would be a red flag for me. If I felt this sort of thing was habitual, it would be a deal breaker. If I felt you thought my life had to mirror yours because we were in a relationship and now I was expected to make the same choices as you, I'd find that domineering and break up with you.

Part of our argument was that I thought I HAD asked him previously if he has other social media profiles, because I'm curious about him; so I wasn't really expecting to find anything except the ones he'd told me about, the gaming ones. He says I didn't, and that if I had he would have told me. So maybe I'm remembering incorrectly.

I do Thank you for your perspective. I think you hit the nail on the head about being forthcoming - he feels that I should have asked first. I don't quite understand that viewpoint - I use the internet for ...everything. If the information is out there on a public profile, and I am honest that I do look at public information about a person...? I do not see how that is domineering. But I am trying to understand it so maybe I can patch things up here.
 
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I'm sorry you are dealing in this. :(

Rather than argue about the percentage of "rightness" or "wrongness" could just apologize. I think in this case BOTH have a percentage in co-creating the situation, and subsequent behaviors in discussion.

  • When he acts out -- does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you nag does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you are dealing with an emotional flooding person, does adding MORE topics ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you try to solve many conflicts at once rather than one at a time -- does that HELP or HINDER?

Could do something like....

"I'm sorry my behavior upset you. I apologize. Could you forgive me and be willing to give me opportunity to make amends? And talk later when both are cooler about how to improve?"​

STOP THERE. Then at a later time if all are willing...

Could we discuss how would you like me to behave in future when I do not know what your preferences are? Ask first?
What about my behavior was objectionable? What could I change?

On the flip side... here's what I'd like from you. TELL me your preferences ahead of time, don't hurl upset at me when info is public access, etc. Do not expect me to mind reader. "​

And see if he wants to work with you to move it forward or just wants to keep it in the stuck. That tells you what his character is like.

MAIN ISSUES THAT SEEMED CAUSED HIS UPSET


  • He created a public access profile. He is mad his GF (a member of the public) accessed it.
  • He expected you to mind reader his preference that you NOT access it? Did not tell you his preferences up front?
  • You did not ask his computer life preferences FIRST before accessing it. Doesn't matter that it is public -- you could ask first anyway because you want to know your BF's preferences and show consideration.

I don't think you did anything horrible in reading his OKC thing -- it's a public access profile. You are a member of the public. If he doesn't want it accessed by members of the public, he could not put it out there. It is not a social faux pas.

You didn't HACK into anything. It is not a legal faux pas.

It would have been better to ask him up front whatever it is you want to know. It seems to be a preferences thing of his that you crossed. But if you did not know his preference you did not know. *shrug* You dinged him unintentionally.

The rest? It's just conflict resolution that is going haywire from trying to solve too many things at once. (Or so it seems to me. )

Could keep the laser beam focus one area at a time rather than adding side issues. It distracts from the focus.

My POV in blue:

A - it is a public profile on a public site. He thought it was hidden and is now upset to find he did not hide it well enough. Fusspot at you = blameshift. He could own that he could do better if his want is to keep his stuff hidden. You do not control his stuff. He does.

B - this is exactly why I keep my performing and personal name separate. (he calls this a double standard, that I want to keep mine separate just in case someone googles them, but that I google his. ) Side issue -- now it is branching into YOUR computer stuff. Bring it on back to topic at hand, deal with that one later rather than changing the channel. The prob is not the Googling.

The prob is who he wants to have access to his OKC account.

If he wants public access or wants to not have to deal in management tasks -- leave it so and accept his GF is a member of the public.
If he wants less access, he could limit it more and/or tell you to not go there.
If he wants guaranteed zero access -- he could not have an OKC.
His behavior done/not done to serve his want of OKC privacy balanced against his want for how much management he wants to be doing. It is all in his control.


C - it concerned me that my personal name linked to his personal name that linked to his gaming/fetish name that linked to my performing/fetish name. Side issue. That is your problem for linking him to you. You control YOUR stuff. You could remove his name and stop "nagging" him for a "clean" account to link to. FB is not the world -- could talk to him over other venues. Then you have no need to be concerned about link-connection issues.

D - there is no violation of privacy if it is public information. Technically no violation of privacy. But not exactly being direct and just asking your BF what you want to know either. Or stating that you'd like to look at his OKC and if he'd be ok with it since it is public access anyway. Showing consideration.

E - one of the questions on his OKC profile is something to the effect of 'would you google someone you were curious about on okc' and his chosen answer was 'yes - knowledge is power' (so how, again, is this me having a double standard?) He's mad YOU googled HIM. He may want the power for HIM, but not others. Could ask him to clarify that statement as to how it would apply to his expectations of his GF.


F - one can only have as much privacy as one actively maintains. He says that he has not googled me and therefore I shouldn't do so to him or anyone else.

In other words, you should be a mind reader and know all he does or does not do by magic? Then adjust your behavior accordingly? Rather than him stepping up his active privacy management if he wants greater privacy? And telling you directly? If this is his expectation, it is not realistic. He could own that and update his expectation. Nobody is a mind reader.


I told him I don't care if he did - I trusted him, or he wouldn't know my full names - so if he wants to google, have at it. It was all the rest of the random people I don't trust. (Side issue. Because he does care. You changed the channel to "trust" and "about you" and what you value now rather than keeping it on the problem at hand and "about him" and what he values and trying to understand him in his context. That could be frustrating to him, esp if he's not great at conflict resolution without losing his cool.

Nobody can mind reader -- and he seems to expect you to. I would find that a turn off. He could learn to be more direct in his preferences and just make you aware. You could also step up and ASK first when you do not know. Help him help YOU.

I like low stress living -- I don't care for emotional outbursty. This is over the top response for what it is (to me). You both could work on that and your conflict resolution style.

Galagirl
 
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@galagirl. Why does he need to keep his separate?
 
He doesn't need to keep a separate username.

But if he wants to be free of upset that his GF accesses his OKC ... he could keep THAT separate by taking action.

  • He could tell his GF to not access it and that he expects her to honor his preference even though it is public access and she's a member of the public.
  • He could take steps to block whoever and limit his OKC acct accessibility and not rely on her word.
  • Do both the above.
  • Do something else like decide to not have an OKC.

Basically it's his account he runs it how he wants... but if how he runs it fails to meet his needs for privacy? That's his lookout.

Galagirl
 
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Mm, I dont think that he's pissed about her seeing his OKC, I think he is annoyed about how she went about it. I have a blog, right? When I met my ex I asked him not to read it, yet. He agreed. He didnt have the link. Then I added him to my Fetlife account forgetting that it has my blog link on my profile. Still, we had a separate unrelated conversation before I added him to Fet about me not being ready for him to read it. Despite this, he did, and said if I didn't want him to, I shouldn't have added him to Fet. Pissed me off big time and probably tainted the rest of our fairly miserable relationship.
 
I'm sorry you are dealing in this. :(

Rather than argue about the percentage of "rightness" or "wrongness" could just apologize. I think in this case BOTH have a percentage in co-creating the situation, and subsequent behaviors in discussion.
Good point. I have been too wrapped up in thinking I'm right and he should be the one to apologize, but I'm starting to see that that is not the case.
  • When he acts out -- does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you nag does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you are dealing with an emotional flooding person, does adding MORE topics ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you try to solve many conflicts at once rather than one at a time -- does that HELP or HINDER?
When he loses his temper with me that makes a spiral of ickiness.
Same thing when I lose my temper with him.
I think we've both been trying very hard to curb it.
But being more aware of things like not nagging would help too.
Good point about not muddying it up by having so many topics at once.
Could do something like....
"I'm sorry my behavior upset you. I apologize. Could you forgive me and be willing to give me opportunity to make amends? And talk later when both are cooler about how to improve?"​
STOP THERE. Then at a later time if all are willing...
Could we discuss how would you like me to behave in future when I do not know what your preferences are? Ask first?
What about my behavior was objectionable? What could I change?

On the flip side... here's what I'd like from you. TELL me your preferences ahead of time, don't hurl upset at me when info is public access, etc. Do not expect me to mind reader. "​
And see if he wants to work with you to move it forward or just wants to keep it in the stuck. That tells you what his character is like.
Alright, here is where I realize I may be totally at fault here. We had talked some before about my habit of wanting to have as much information as possible about someone I love. At one point he asked me not to do a search on his newest son or ex-girlfriend (see other thread for that), and purposely did not give me data to do that with (ex-girlfriend's last name).
So while I didn't deliberately break any boundaries searching his username, when I'd previously run a search on his personal name and place of employment, I'd told him I was doing so when I asked about his job. I probably should have realized that he wanted the same thing with this - telling him / asking first.

MAIN ISSUES THAT SEEMED CAUSED HIS UPSET


  • He created a public access profile. He is mad his GF (a member of the public) accessed it.
I still don't understand this one. But it is correct.
  • He expected you to mind reader his preference that you NOT access it? Did not tell you his preferences up front?
This one, had I stopped to really think about it rather than typing without thinking I might have figured it out. But no, he did not specify that he did not want me to read his OKC profile
  • You did not ask his computer life preferences FIRST before accessing it. Doesn't matter that it is public -- you could ask first anyway because you want to know your BF's preferences and show consideration.
This is hard, because I assumed that it if was public he didn't mind the public reading it. But, as he's always telling me, I need to stop assuming things.
I don't think you did anything horrible in reading his OKC thing -- it's a public access profile. You are a member of the public. If he doesn't want it accessed by members of the public, he could not put it out there. It is not a social faux pas.

You didn't HACK into anything. It is not a legal faux pas.

It would have been better to ask him up front whatever it is you want to know. It seems to be a preferences thing of his that you crossed. But if you did not know his preference you did not know. *shrug* You dinged him unintentionally.
I'm glad at least someone does not think I did anything horrible. (sigh)
The rest? It's just conflict resolution that is going haywire from trying to solve too many things at once. (Or so it seems to me. )

Could keep the laser beam focus one area at a time rather than adding side issues. It distracts from the focus.
This is a good point. I do tend to argue from all sides at once.

A - That is how I see it
B - Right. I should not dilute the focus with how "I" would do it - he can do it however he wants.
C - Good point. I should let it go - and just not link to his profiles that have crossover that I do not want. Nagging doesn't help anything.
D - This might be his biggest issue - not showing consideration to his wishes. I will need to do better with this.
E - I would like to clarify that point. Because it does seem like a double standard if he reserves the right to search ME, but does not want me to search HIM. But maybe that is not how he intends it.
F - This is one of my biggest issues. I default assume that any info out in the public world is liable to be found by someone at any time. So if I don't want it found a certain way or by certain people, I do make an effort to limit the possibility of it. I don't feel that he should tell me he "doesn't care" that his personal name and fetish name are linked on one hand, and on the other hand get angry at me for finding something because they are linked. But I am seeing that talking about how I do things took the focus off how he wants to do things, and quite probably did increase his frustration.
Nobody can mind reader -- and he seems to expect you to. I would find that a turn off. He could learn to be more direct in his preferences and just make you aware. You could also step up and ASK first when you do not know. Help him help YOU.

I like low stress living -- I don't care for emotional outbursty. This is over the top response for what it is (to me). You both could work on that and your conflict resolution style.

Galagirl
This is definitely something we need to work on. I have a huge issue with my temper, and while I have been trying really hard to limit and curb it, I do still lose it sometimes.
He also has a temper, so that does not help when I do something that pisses him off.
If we can get through this (seems like such a stupid thing to have a huge argument about!!) maybe that should be our priority, figuring out the conflict resolution thing.

Once again, Galagirl, you are a huge help.
 
He doesn't need to keep a separate username.
...
Basically it's his account he runs it how he wants... but if how he runs it fails to meet his needs for privacy? That's his lookout.

This is a more succinct way of stating what my point was - why I did not understand why he is so angry with me.
 
Mm, I dont think that he's pissed about her seeing his OKC, I think he is annoyed about how she went about it. I have a blog, right? When I met my ex I asked him not to read it, yet. He agreed. He didnt have the link. Then I added him to my Fetlife account forgetting that it has my blog link on my profile. Still, we had a separate unrelated conversation before I added him to Fet about me not being ready for him to read it. Despite this, he did, and said if I didn't want him to, I shouldn't have added him to Fet. Pissed me off big time and probably tainted the rest of our fairly miserable relationship.

This really made me pause and think.

If I had been your ex? I would have been ok with not reading your blog if you didn't want me to. But when you linked profiles on fetlife with me, including the link to the blog, I would have assumed that it meant you were now ok with me reading anything on your fetlife account - photos, writings, links to blogs. In other words, I would have thought that it superseded the first conversation, especially if significant time had passed from the first conversation.

But, your explanation, makes me realize that maybe I assume too much. That if I were in such a situation that it would be better to proactively ask if reading the blog was okay now, since it was now accessible via linking the fetlife accounts, before just jumping in and reading it.
 
This is a more succinct way of stating what my point was - why I did not understand why he is so angry with me.

It's a two way street to me.

On his end?

  • He could articulate WHY to you himself. Rather than leaving you to guess.
  • He could be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.

On YOUR end?

  • Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
  • Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
  • Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yes.

Something like...


"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"​

As far as managing his upset?

a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration for him. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.

b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout. He has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.​

You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B."

Someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round escalating conflict rather than cooling it off. In the interest of peace in the shared relationship? You could go first.

london said:
I think he is annoyed about how she went about it. I have a blog, right? When I met my ex I asked him not to read it, yet. He agreed.

In that case, yes. You clearly told your person to stay out of your computer life in the blog area. They crossed the line.

In this case? He did not seem to tell her to stay out of his OKC life in clear fashion. He didn't seem to think to mention it. But he did have boundaries about searches elsewhere that could apply. So there's this fuzzy grey area of discernment. Rather than argue, they could discern who owns what and move it along.

So while I didn't deliberately break any boundaries searching his username, when I'd previously run a search on his personal name and place of employment, I'd told him I was doing so when I asked about his job. I probably should have realized that he wanted the same thing with this - telling him / asking first.

Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.

Both could stop assuming things.

Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.

Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.

Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone. :(

Galagirl
 
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It's a two way street to me.

He could articulate WHY to you himself and be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.

On YOUR end?

  • Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
  • Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
  • Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yep.
This makes sense. Think before you act, place priority on the people close to you. I feel like I'm relearning stuff I should know already. But better late than never, yes?
Something like...


"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"​

a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.

b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout and he has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.

You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B" -- someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round.
This actually close to what happened. I took your advice earlier and sent him an apology; and he replied with an apology of his own for not being more clear about what he sees as violation of his privacy. We are going to be able to work through it, I think.
...
Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.

Both could stop assuming things.

Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.
Yes, HUGE thanks to both you and london for moving me a lot faster to the "apologize and move forward" part instead of staying stuck in the "I'm right he's wrong I'm going to be mad until he apologizes" part.
Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.

Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone. :(

Galagirl
Yes. This. I'm not really sure how to go about it - but I did snag your link from another thread about conflict resolution, so that gives me a place to start.
 
I was editing a bit when you replied... but I am glad to hear you both apologized, both owned co-creating the grey fuzzy area and are on your way to resolving it and doing better next time with clearer communication and more consideration.

Kudos! :)

Could note what helped -- getting outside POVs, apologies, willing to "co-own" co-creating a fuzzy area, etc.

Could not what did NOT help -- trying to solve too many things at once, trying to solve it when it's too emotionally fresh rather than taking a time out to gather thoughts, texting, etc.

Then you can use that to help next time something comes up you have to solve together.

HTH!

GG
 
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So I guess the solution would be to simply not add his profile on my personal profiles then. So I guess that part is solved - he unfriended me.

I still have to read the rest of the thread...but, actually, this is the best answer on the "public" side of things until you have negotiated how you two can safely "link" to each other without negating your privacy concerns.

Luckily both of my boys are even more paranoid about internet security that I am (and I am the only one that has professional cause for concern). I have separate nom-de-plume's for each area of my life.

We each have OKC profiles that link to each other - that are separate from other usernames. We each have "fake" Facebook profiles (using different names) that are "friended" but we don't post personal info and limit our "friends" to people who already know us/know about us.

On the "private" side - i.e. his being upset about you finding his OKC profile - that just seems weird to me - but we are very open amongst the three of us - even if not to the outside world. I frequently Google all of us to see where any "leaks" may arise...

ETA: on the other hand - I DID ask them not to read my blog here until I was ready (didn't take very long) - they agreed before I started it, or I wouldn't have...I have written about this elsewhere.
 
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Thanks, JaneQSmythe

I still have to read the rest of the thread...but, actually, this is the best answer on the "public" side of things until you have negotiated how you two can safely "link" to each other without negating your privacy concerns.

Luckily both of my boys are even more paranoid about internet security that I am (and I am the only one that has professional cause for concern). I have separate nom-de-plume's for each area of my life.
This is much closer to how I typically try to work things. Morp is different in that he doesn't care that all of his things are linked.
We each have OKC profiles that link to each other - that are separate from other usernames. We each have "fake" Facebook profiles (using different names) that are "friended" but we don't post personal info and limit our "friends" to people who already know us/know about us.
This is similar to what I was nagging at him to do. But it's been pointed out to me that he doesn't HAVE to do this. If he wants to, he can; if he doesn't want to, I am free to not link to him. I'd prefer to be able to; it acknowledges him as "more important" than others I may play with in public. But it's by no means necessary.
On the "private" side - i.e. his being upset about you finding his OKC profile - that just seems weird to me - but we are very open amongst the three of us - even if not to the outside world. I frequently Google all of us to see where any "leaks" may arise...
That - right there - is exactly the reasoning I had in googling his profile name - how far would the leak go if I remained linked to him on facebook? He saw it as a lack of trust and a breach of privacy to not ask first. My arguing the above point just upset him more that I was not understanding his perspective.

I originally thought he was primarily upset about me finding the OKC profile, and I think it muddied the waters a bit in my mind, because what was ON his OKC profile rather upset me. But because that is a whole other topic I avoided bringing it up to him until today, when we have started talking about where our boundaries and expectations are from a much calmer outlook.

But I did find out that it was not that I found his OKC profile - it was as london said, he was upset the WAY I found it - by running a search on his name as opposed to asking him if he had a profile.
 
...

Could note what helped -- getting outside POVs, apologies, willing to "co-own" co-creating a fuzzy area, etc.

Could not what did NOT help -- trying to solve too many things at once, trying to solve it when it's too emotionally fresh rather than taking a time out to gather thoughts, texting, etc.

Then you can use that to help next time something comes up you have to solve together.

HTH!

GG
Definitely getting outside POVs helped. Me apologizing and being calm did trigger his own apology - but the way he wrote it, he had already calmed down also. We were able to more quickly get to a place where we can start working on clarifying and sorting out.

Definitely going to keep in mind in the future to not try to address everything at once.
Not trying to solve it when it's emotionally fresh is harder - we tend to blow things up worse if we ignore each other when we're mad. I posted the question here pretty much right after he turned off the IM and went to bed (thereby refusing to continue the conversation). But it's true, we were both tired and it was probably not the best time to start the discussion, right when he was pissed off because he got notification of the OKC profile visit.

Texting is the hardest one. We're slightly long distance with opposing work schedules, and he's partially deaf. So the primary way we communicate is IM-text, usually at night when he's at work. Phone calls are out even outside of work because of his hearing, and in person is much rarer than we want/need it to be due to scheduling and family circumstances. Last time we had an argument I tried to wait for when we would see each other next to talk about it, because we process much better and calmer in person, but we ended up returning to talking about it in text before that happened. We did sort (that one) out and find an agreeable place, so I'm reasonably confident we can do so with this argument, but I feel the arguments would happen less often if we saw each other more often. So, adding another reason to making the in person meetings a priority.
 
stupid

So, I guess I just don't learn. I'm not really asking for advice right now - just venting a bit.

We discussed things, and his requirements are that I do not search on himself, his exes, or his kids. That if I want to know something, I ask first. I agreed to abide by these rules.

This should be all well and good, right?

Well, we usually use yahoo to chat since it works on his phone. But it hasn't been working on his phone for a few days. It occurred to me that we had used gmail several months ago, and maybe it would work. I rarely log into gmail - and I'm on google+, which he is also, but again, I never use it, don't really know how it works. I was in his circle, and he was in my circle. So I click on his name in my list of contacts, it opens a new message, and it opens his google+ profile. There's really nothing there. I know that I have a dozen or so random people (strangers) who "have me in their circles", so when it listed "5 people have Morp in their circles" I moused over it out of curiosity, not looking for anything. One of the names caught my eye - the name of his ex girlfriend, the mother of his youngest child. So I clicked on it.

Bad move.

Her avatar picture was a photo of his youngest, and she had a bunch of photos up, which were beyond adorable. By this time, he'd gotten my message, and responded back that it seemed to be working on his phone. I suddenly realized this was probably not something he wanted me to do, so I told him exactly what had happened, and I closed the tab.

He was furious with me. Is, I guess. He didn't talk to me for the rest of yesterday, except for an email telling me how I had violated his trust, and broken the boundary, and was transgressing on his very biggest dealbreaker - interference with his kids. I'm still not allowed to talk to him. He is trying to figure out if there is any way we can stay together or if he's just going to dump me.

So, I know I was stupid. I know he said to ask first. My brain did not engage as fast as it should have. I was in the wrong. So not really needing any advice; I should have kept to the rules I'd agreed too. I just kinda needed to vent a little. :(
 
I'm sorry but I have to laugh.
 
You guys should get whatsapp.
 
I don't know, doesn't seem like you went actively searching and what you did was probably something most would do in that situation. If he's that paranoid about you seeing stuff about his children then it's up to him to protect that information.
 
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