Bipolar and Poly?

AndyinMN

New member
Hello everyone.

I am new here apparently. I thought I had posted here in the past, but maybe the boards were redone? Not sure.

My name is Andy, I am 29, married but "poly single" (ladies?) hehe and live in the frozen wasteland we call Minnesota.

I am not really new to poly. We have been at it for 4 years or so. Mixed success, but I keep trying.

What I want some input on is peoples experiences with bipolar disorder.
I will start off saying that I don't judge people with mental illness. I myself have traits of bipolar II, though I am not formally diagnosed. This isn't a bashing topic.

The last two woman I have met were admittedly bipolar. Getting to know both was fantastic. The first date was fantastic. Both abruptly lost interest after the first date and everything cesed.

Past this, looking back, the vast majority of the women I have dated in the poly world have exhibited signs of this disorder. Along with my own tendencies, this has lead me to ponder if there is a conneciton between the appeal of a poly lifestyle and bipolar disorder.

Again, I really want to stress this isn't meant as a judgment. I would happily date a bipolar woman if I met one with chemistry.

If anyone IS bipolar here and willing to admit it, I would love to hear how poly dating has been for you and what you've struggled with in relation to bipolar, and if you have dated a bipolar man or woman, I would love to hear how it went and if it did or is working out. :)
 
Nope not bipolar...

Never met a poly person who was. My poly friends are actually pretty even tempered.

What I have noticed is quite a few INTJ personality types.
 
Minus the two women you said were admittedly bi-polar how do you know the rest were actually bi-polar? As a health professional and someone with a very close relative that struggles with bi-polar, it is much more than just a person that has mood swings. And just because a person has mood swings on occasion does not mean that they have a mental disorder.
 
Thanks for the replies so far.

I am an INFJ. I am not sure what others I have dated are. That would be interesting to explore as well.

MsChristy - I don't know that they were bipolar. Just suspect it from behavior. It was more than just having some down days here and there. Two had some pretty serious depression issues, but that doesn't automatically mean bipolar either.
 
i have bipolar 2. I do have long cycles through low levels of mania and depression and id say that im more open to polyamory when manic and not interested at all during the rest of the time. Partially why I only actively sought out new partners when I was manic. I do go through bouts of paranoia but im very good at telling myself that what im experiencing is all in my head. I do not have sudden mood awings, just long cycles. My personality type is ESTJ ( mentioning that since someone else brought up personality type)
 
I would say if you consistently are only getting first dates it might be a good idea to ask them to honestly tell you why that is. Perhaps something you are putting out there is turning women off
 
I am new here apparently. I thought I had posted here in the past, but maybe the boards were redone? Not sure.
Nope, not redone. I remember you. I think this is your original profile: Andy4700

The last two woman I have met were admittedly bipolar. Getting to know both was fantastic. The first date was fantastic. Both abruptly lost interest after the first date and everything cesed.

Past this, looking back, the vast majority of the women I have dated in the poly world have exhibited signs of this disorder . . .
Don't know what to tell you except that perhaps you usually find yourself attracted to a certain kind of personality. Start looking at more of their common traits and see if you can step out of your comfort zone to ask out women who aren't your usual type.

I also think the term "bipolar" is bandied about a bit too casually. Some people who haven't actually been diagnosed with it are simply moody, but they get labeled or label themselves bipolar for a little added drama.
 
I also think the term "bipolar" is bandied about a bit too casually. Some people who haven't actually been diagnosed with it are simply moody, but they get labeled or label themselves bipolar for a little added drama.

I agree that the term bi-polar is thrown around way to much. It may be one of the first things people think of with mood disorders, but there are countless other mental illnesses. Or a person could simply be moody/having a bad day/stressed.
 
I'm not bipolar. My mom is Type 1, she's not poly. My girlfriend is Type 2 rapid cycling, she is poly.

I don't have any concrete statistics, but I've never noticed any correlation personally. Being as I've lived with a severely bipolar parent my whole life, I consider myself to be fairly well educated and experienced on the disorder. I've also been poly my whole life, so I consider myself fairly well educated and experienced on that as well. Thus, it's with reasonable confidence that I say, I don't see any traits in either that make the other more likely to coincide.

True, people in a mania tend to lose sight of reason and do things they wouldn't ordinarily do, and sure that can include seeking relationships or having lots of meaningless sex (like Auto used to do before she was diagnosed and treated). But I wouldn't classify "the things you do during a mania" as representative of "who you really are inside." For example, and feel free to disagree, but I wouldn't say Inyourendo is poly "because" she seeks other partners when she's in a mania; rather that she is poly because she identifies as poly, but she happens to only seek other partners when she's in a mania.

I could just as easily say that the tendency is that people with bipolar disorder, or bipolar-like-traits, are attracted to others with bipolar-like-traits. I know my mom always hits it off right away with anyone she meets who's bipolar. Similarly, poly folk are generally attracted to other poly folk. So being as you're poly and with bipolar-like-traits, it's conceivable that you attract poly folk who happen to have bipolar-like-traits.

In other words, it's not us, it's you ;) I say that completely good-naturedly.
 
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Runic Wolf is Type II Bipolar. He's poly. The only effect that I really see is when he perceives that things are going poorly in a relationship, he gets really depressed or when he's going through a deep depressive cycle, he often worries about losing his relationships. When things are going well, it adds to the manic phase or can temporarily pull him out of a longer depressive phase. He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder due to medical drug testing on him while he was in the service - he had a psychotic break as a rare side effect to a drug. We'd been married 2 years and together 4 at that point. I would say that when he is manic, he is more of the man that I married and dated. But the depressive phase triggers many issues from his childhood that I didn't know about because he'd been able to conquer them before the bipolar.
 
Inyourendo - Thanks for the input! :) I am not "only getting first dates" but the last two endeviors were like that. Maybe just bad luck. Not sure.

nycindie - YES! Thats me! If only I could remember the email address I used and the password I used! I will see if I can figure that out later. How did you remember me??? I am flattered...

SchrodingersCat and BrigidsDaughter, thank you for taking the time to share. I am releived to hear there maybe aren't a dispropotionate amount of bipolar people in the poly world, even though it wouldn't stop me from dating someone if they had the disorder.

I too think it's overdiagnised. Like ADHD. But some people certainly have it to the point it effects the way they conduct their lives, and I think in my recent case, thats what happened.

Dating is hard. :p

I really need to come back and hang out here for some fellowship and positivity.
 
I've been diagnosed as having had quite a few various disorders over the years. Bipolar (rapid cycling) has been one of most frequent/long-lived diagnoses, but the prevailing diagnosis at this time is Asperger syndrome. Personally I am of the impression that I have "a bit of this and a bit of that," and/or some kind of "new" disorder (yay!).

Perhaps being "a troubled soul in general" has helped me to gradually question the norms more and more until I began to question things like universal monogamy. In that sense, whatever condition I have could be considered partially responsible for my shift into a polyamorous relationship.

I haven't really done any poly dating (though I tried, via OKC and PMM); the two marriage-like relationships I've ever been in both started as platonic friendships and then had a moment (maybe a "24-hour moment") of transition into profound romance with little to no official dating before I proposed. Whatever disorders I had, they didn't seem to hamper the onset and development of those new romances. My disorders did often make "married life" harder on both marriage partners though.

I don't quite know how to describe my "bipolar experiences" other than to say I've struggled on and off throughout my life. I've had fits of rage and despair. I've had heavy lassitude that kept me from functioning. I've had bursts of intense creativity, followed by an emotional crash. I've had a thin emotional skin and an inability to process criticism appropriately. I've felt like the world was out to ostracize me.

Things are finally better and I can only assume that's because I'm finally on a combination of meds that works for me. In the meantime, the symptoms I've exhibited throughout my life have affected my relationships about how you'd expect. I've been fortunate in accumulating some very loyal friends, including my two poly companions who would walk through fire for me. But I know there are still times when I start to freak out, and it scares them to say the least.

Life goes on. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and try to make the best contribution we can with the abilities we have. I and my companions do that, and the sum of our efforts blends harmoniously most of the time. I guess that's why we stay together. We've been a poly unit for about eight years and I think we'll stay together for the rest of our lives.

Don't know if that answers any of the questions you had, but since I am very possibly at least partially bipolar, I thought I would share some of my perspective.
 
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Yay! Thanks to nycindie I have my old account back!

kdt26417 - thank you for your post.


Perhaps being "a troubled soul in general" has helped me to gradually question the norms more and more until I began to question things like universal monogamy. In that sense, whatever condition I have could be considered partially responsible for my shift into a polyamorous relationship.

This is something else I have pondered a lot. What (if anything) is the common thread that makes people seek poly realtionships. I grew up really socially isolated, and feel like I missed out on a lot, so I think that is part of what makes this so appealing to me. The ability to get to keep exploring people. Sometimes I wonder if I had a normal childhood if it would appeal.
 
Oh that is a riddle with no easy answers. If one's upbringing is very pleasant, and is combined with teachings of universal monogamy, then maybe one never feels the need to try anything outside the beaten path. On the other hand, kids with perfectly swell parents (and other swell surroundings) have been known to rebel, so who knows what drives people to do what they do.

I'd say I tried pretty darn hard to do all I was "supposed to do," all that was expected of me, for 20-30 years. Things had to pile up sky high and get really bad before I was ready to start making the really big changes in my life. And maybe "the mid-life crisis chemicals" kicked in too at about that time. It was a combination of things. I also had to connect with someone who was willing to try polyamory with me. Heck, polyamory wasn't even my idea and I had never heard of it. She did the research, learned the terminology, and made the suggestion. So a lot of dominoes had to topple before the "poly domino" fell.

Any kind of aberrant proclivity (e.g. bisexuality, kink, paganism, D&D, WoW, Scadianism) will tend to pull one further away from mainstream mores and closer to fringe mores. In order to have nonstandard interests/practices/beliefs, you kind of have to be more open-minded than your average joe. Perhaps having an emotional disorder or other disability exerts the same kind of pressure. Unusual coping skills demand exceptional creativity, eh?
 
Oh that is a riddle with no easy answers. If one's upbringing is very pleasant... On the other hand, kids with perfectly swell parents (and other swell surroundings) have been known to rebel, so who knows what drives people to do what they do.

....Any kind of aberrant proclivity (e.g. bisexuality, kink, paganism, D&D, WoW, Scadianism) will tend to pull one further away from mainstream mores and closer to fringe mores. In order to have nonstandard interests/practices/beliefs, you kind of have to be more open-minded than your average joe. Perhaps having an emotional disorder or other disability exerts the same kind of pressure. Unusual coping skills demand exceptional creativity, eh?

I don't know that there IS any fundamental thread that ties poly peeps together. While I wouldn't describe my childhood necessarily as "normal"...I might describe it as "ideal". We were encouraged to think for ourselves, were supported in pursuing our interests, and, in general, were encouraged to explore our personal limits as opposed the artificial limits that society placed on us - these were viewed as irrelevant and something to be overcome.

While I consider myself bisexual - this has never been a source of stress or confrontation for me. Being "mainstream" was never important in my personal choices. Perhaps I am more open-minded because no one ever tried to encourage me to be otherwise?

I do have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) - which is currently medicated, but this is not a constant presence...and I don't consider it a fundamental aspect of my personality.

My path to poly was largely theoretical to start - I read a TON of Heinlein when I was in my teens/pre-teens. It made sense. Nothing ever shook that sense of "of course" that I experienced thinking of the relationships that he described...
 
Man I want your parents JaneQ!

Oh I'm kidding. My parents did the best they could, and they've mellowed out by now. I know my mom feels pretty bad about how she acted when her kids were kids. I think my dad does too, though he's more of a blissfully clueless fellow ...

The fact that I grew up immersed in the Mormon church with its history of polygamy, probably had something to do with my gradual realization that polyamory (when I finally heard of the word) made sense and was fine. Somewhere in the late 90's I mused that Mormon polygamy wouldn't have been so bad if a wife could have had multiple husbands too.
 
I have two people in my life who have bipolar disorder. Both have tried poly, and both have concluded that it is not right for them. They reached their decisions in different ways, but one element they shared was this: they both have a need for routine in their lives. Regular sleep, regular meals, regular exercise, and a regular bed partner are things that helped them, and it's difficult to do that while juggling date nights, NRE, etc.

This may not work out the same way for other folks, and some poly folks are able to establish regular routines within their poly lives.

One other note-- anyone who has a bipolar diagnosis (or loves someone who does) should check out the Icarus Project. Google it, and order their publications at your local independent bookstore.
 
For AndyinMN

Andy, I know this post is a little old but I just had to add my voice. I am bipolar with rapid cycling. That being said I take my medication and go to therapy. The other side of this, for me, as my two partners (I am the hinge) are men I know a long time. They were both educated about bipolar and about the specific ways mine manifests itself. That helps them, and having both of them helps me to stay level.
As far as dating bipolar women. I have seen that before, I have a good friend who has done that two relationships in a row,
I too was the kind woman who got totally involved with men and then got bored quickly. That all happened before I got stable. Stable I am able to have a relationship with two men and give them fidelity, honest and love.
If you meet some one else who is bipolar, find out more. It's not the disease that is the problem its how its managed.
Blessed be.
 
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