Should I or should I not?

mark

New member
Hi,

I am so glad to have found this forum, because I have some serious questions, that have been plaguing me in regards to a new relationship, that may or may not happen. I wish to apologize in advance when I come across as ignorant or unintelligent, because I freely admit I am ignorant of this situation, having never experienced anything like it before.

I am 30 years old, and in my life I have only been in monogamous relationships. Whenever I have been in love with someone, and they with me, I always knew that it was just with me.

Recently, in the last few weeks, I have met a fantastic girl. She is amazing, pretty, funny and intelligent. She is 25. We have so much in common, that I would mark her as perfect.

The only issue *I* have(And I emphasize that this is an issue I have based on my past experiences, and don't want to come across as disrespectful) is that she has told me that she is poly, and has been with another guy, who lives about 300 miles away, for about 3 years.

I have no range of experience for this, which is why I am here. I believe the crux of this is that I would really want a relationship with this girl, but I don't know if I could get past there being a third person. She has explained to me how she is capable of loving, truly, more than one person.

I do want to give it a go, but last night as I was holding her in bed, she gave me a look that I could see was she is falling for me, and I was so happy. But, then my joy turned to sadness, because I know that that look is not just for me.

I don't know if I can do it. And I would rather break it off now before we both get hurt.

Or should I risk it and try it?

Thanks in advance
 
as long as it's ok with the other guy, i think it's worth a try. It's not ok if he thinks he's the only one, or if she's just using him as a back-up until she finds someone local. if you think she's being honest with herself and yourself and the other guy, then you should pursue it if you really think you care for this woman.
 
He does know about it, and is fine with it. They have been in this situation for 3 years, so it's normal for them, which is fine.

The problem in this is me, and I suppose even my culture (I've moved here from Ireland, and honestly never been exposed to this at home)

I am wondering if I can get over the fact that for instance, when she gives me that look, that it's not just for me.

The other thing is, I don't want her to break up with the other guy, as I don't want him to be hurt. And I don't want to change her, because that'snot my game!

So you can see I am deep in a paradox!
 
Then don't pursue it.

Strangers on the internet can't make the decision for you. You asked what we think you should do, and if it's not the answer you were looking for, then go with your own gut feeling.
 
Thanks for that. It may be the best decision to not pursue it, because if at this stage, I have these doubts, would they ever change.

Again, thank you for your opinions.
 
i don't think anyone here would advise people to "be polyamorous" against their own nature. polyamory is not a club that recruits members, nor is it some trendy fad that makes you "one of the cool kids". Speaking for myself, things would be a lot simpler if I were totally monogamous and heterosexual (actually, things ARE pretty simple because I'm NOT totally monogamous and heterosexual and I accept that)... Nothing good can come from pretending to be something you are not.
 
You are trying to make a decision based on a look she gave you? And why keep saying that look was not only for you? She looked at you that way, who else was in the room? It was for you. You do not how how she looks at the other guy, nor all the details of her relationship with him, so why try to compare what you have with her to that or anything else? It seems that you enjoy her company and feel good being with her -- until your mind starts fucking with you. The issue is not her practice of polyamory, it is dealing with your thought processes and responses to your conditioning about monogamy and all that you expect from a partner. To me, the question you should ask yourself is, "Is how I feel when I am with her worth challenging all the conditioning and ideas I have about what a relationship should be?" Maybe if you test the limits of your comfort zones, you will find that you are okay with much more flexibility in loving someone than you previously thought. It is possible that a relationship which is radically different from what you think it should be can hold gifts and teachings and value for you far beyond any expectations you might have, especially if you have a kind and loving connection to that person. You might learn something about yourself and about other people in the process, and learning is always good for us.
 
I don't know why I keep comparing it to the other guy. Perhaps it is because i am in a situation that isn't in my comfort zone.

I do enjoy her company a lot; even if we are not doing much like we're playing video games or whatever. And think about her when she's not with me. Even now I am.

i do agree that learning is important, but I am struggling with the last 30 years of conditioning that I have had. I am so confused.
 
You are trying to make a decision based on a look she gave you? And why keep saying that look was not only for you? She looked at you that way, who else was in the room? It was for you.
I love this. To me love is seen in the eyes of anyone who is feeling it. I look like that when I see a beautiful flower and stop to admire it. I look like that when I watch my son play, when the sunset is gorgeous. No one owns that look and feeling but me. I show love and actively love many people..but they don't own that. They do things and are such a way that evokes that in me.

Love to me is infinite and ever expanding. I know it is hard to grasp for someone who has not experienced this before, I understand that, but see if you can't open your mind and think of her ability to love as an expanding thing, a chance of added abundance that is put out into the world rather than controlled and made scarce and for only you. There is nothing more incredible than experiencing a partner loving with all their might. It takes a total brain change to get there, but it is definitely worth it!

Take a look around this forum for threads that could help you understand. Do a tag search and look at the stickies... (scarcity, compersion, mono/poly, jealousy) this topic is not uncommon.... see what you come up with. :)
 
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H Mark,

I recently had a chat with a mono friend thinking about dating a poly guy.

I wrote on it but can't find the link so I've copied and pasted my thoughts on this.

"Last night a new friend to our ever growing community asked if we could
get together to talk. She is very mono it seems but working at building
a relationship with her recently declared poly boyfriend. I agreed
without hesitation and then thought about the impact of any comments I
may have for her.

I spoke to my partner about my concerns and she pointed out that I should
get our friend to thnk and answer questions for herself as opposed to
actually injecting my opinions.

Anyone on here who knows me is aware that I am not a big fan of
mono/poly relationships. I am even a bigger non-fan of two people
starting thier relationship lives with this type of hurdle (and it is a
hurdle). But I do know they work. My biggest concern is always that each
partner has not got to experience a meaningful relationship with some
one who feels the same way about how love is shared and expressed.

She is young and as far as I know has never been in a long term
committed monogamous relationship. Immediately I have to swallow my snap
assessment and understand what I say to her could not only affect her
actions but also the heart and happiness of her boyfriend. I don't know
either person very well but still care about them as human beings and
have a responsibility not to sabotage anyone's natural relationship
progression.

So I thought I would put together some questions that I will ask her to
make her think and then hopefullly be a little more prepared and willing
to choose the best path as she sees it.

Does she truly feel monogamous?
Has she ever felt a romantic connection with more than one person? Can
she see a benefit to being open for the development and expansion of her
own relationships? Is she more traditionally conditioned mono;
influenced by the expectations of society and family? Is she internally
mono, wired to only have one romantic connection as I like to personally
put it.

What has she experienced?
Has she felt what it is liked to be someone's "one and only"? To have
some one give themselves to her willingly the same way she gives
herself? Not controlled but a willing gift of exclusivity as is the core
principle of true monogamy - a gift, not a shackle. This is important
because more than likely she will get the "grass is greener" feeling in
her relationship. I personally feel it is very important to experience
the grass on your own side of relationship nature before venturing into
another.

What are her relationship goals short term and long term?
Short term mono/poly is arguably much easier to enjoy than the
expectation of long term commitment depending on what the individual
wants
Is she a person with traditional relationship aspirations? Will she want
a standard wedding with traditional vows. If there is no long term
commitment ideals such as kids, house, marriage, and retirement planning
then I am much less reserved about exploring different relationship
types to in fact have "experiences".

How important is societal blending to her?
Is she prepared to stand her ground and push for at least acceptance of
how she loves with family, friends, co-workers and neighbors or will she
ok with keeping secrets about the reality of her life?

Who are her close friends and how will they react?
I lost most of my old friends but don't fault them. I am just too far
off their scale of comfort. I have made some very good friends though.
Is she willing to accept the potential loss of her regular crowd to be
replaced a crowd of people who largely have different views than she
does? I still struggle with this at times and have become almost like a
half-member of both, fading in and out of tangibility.

What will her parents think? For some of us, parental acceptance is not
that important in many ways. For others it would be crushing to be cut
off from our parents pride and endorsement of those we love. It's hard
to have a family bbq when your partner is not welcomed by your parents
or siblings because they "cheat" on you. I would be very concerned if my
daughter committed to a relationship with a polyamorous guy and I live
this life quite happily. Imagine if I didn't have a clue about poly? I'd
be waiting for the cheating bastard on the doorstep. You get my point.

What is her boyfriends idea of poly?
Is he looking to add a specific person or persons or is he wanting to be
open to all and any relationships that may present themselves?
Is she prepared to share him? To have him come to her bed after sharing
another woman's? Can she imagine them together and still embrace him
fully? He deserves her untainted love if she goes down this path. He
can't expect to have a partner who is holding back for the duration of
their relationship. If she can't face the reality of his other
relationships how can that be healthy for her or him long term? Is she
prepared for an ongoing cycle of his interest in others? Flirting,
discussing boundaries, the first night they have sex, the meeting of
people he is NREing over? Will she always be worried about every social
thing he attends for fear he is "hunting" or being hunted?

So I plan on meeting her and asking questions more than giving my own
perspective. She will probably ask why I am so happy with my
relationship and my short answer is always, my mono needs were met and
the planets basically had to align for me to be happy in this...truly
happy. Yes I have my worries and areas of concern but every night I go
to sleep and morning I wake up I am happy in knowing I love my partner
and we are family.

Those moments before sleep and just after waking are very telling times
for me. They are the gauge of my health and happiness."


One last thing...that look is probably just the tip of the iceberg my friend. There is a lot of wonderful things that loving a person can give you but it's important to really think about the challenges you will encounter with any partner; poly, mono or whatever.

Good luck :)
 
Mono, what a great list of questions. This should be a sticky.

we try to keep the stickies to a minimum.

If you like a particular post, you may create a link to it in the "Golden Nuggets" thread, and that way it is easy to find for future reference.
 
Study

Hey Mark,

I guess there will always be this mono/poly debate and some will say they are 'wired' one way or the other etc. And maybe there's some reality to that - I honestly don't know. We have no means of pulling society and convention out of the equation to run that test.

But no matter..........

No matter what you believe I'm one who advocates 'learning'. I think everyone should have exposure and facts available to them when making important decisions in matters as important as love & relationships.

There are pros & cons to both models and one or the other is not the best fit for everyone. But I suggest you learn about both and not just accept what you have seen and been spoon fed from birth. Facts are powerful weapons against illusion.

Be in control of your own happiness.

GS
 
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