Coming out

coming out and rejection

Hi all,

i have been struggling for months and finally decided to post here about my coming out to my family.

Firstly let me state that i am poly by my own choice. i have two wonderful male partners. One of 9 years ( P) and another of just over a year(Y).

last Christmas i decided that i wouldn't spend my holidays without my second partner. It is actually a rule that i have with my first partner that i believe is important to follow with my second partner because holidays are suppose to be spent with family.

Now i am aware that Holidays are probably not the best time to come out but around that time i was also very ill( i was steps away from being placed in the hospital) I considered that i might not survive my illness and decided that it was time to come out to my family. I didn't want them to find out after i had died.

Anyway i ended up decided to tell my mother first and then decide with her what to do. i though she was more open minded then she is. So i planed to go to coffee with her on a Sunday and told her that i needed to talk about something . She insisted i tell her Saturday no matter what. So i explained to her that i had two partners and that we loved each other and were really happy. This is not the first time my mother has been presented with poly or with open relationships. Most of my friends are in some form of unique and wonderful relationship that is good for them .

I was kinda shocked when she freaked out completely. Told me that what i was doing was against god(shes not overly religious i really don't know where that one came from). She couldn't accept it. and wouldn't help me talk to my father at all. She kept saying that she didn't want to know about my sex life when she used to regularly ask me for details that i refused to give to her about that. I patiently explained to her that it was about love and not about sex. That i was with two wonderful men because i loved them and they loved me. She further freaked out and basically said that she was against any form of different relationship including lgbt relationships. This one threw me for a further loop because she has had gay friends for years . I asked her about this and she again told me it was against god and that what they were doing wasn't right and i wasn't doing anything right. Things were going really bad where the conversations started to become unproductive and i finally had to tell her i love her and let her go. I told her that i would talk to her again after a few days letting things settle a bit.

Forward a few days my dad calls me up and tells me that they wern't disowning me but they never wanted to see me again or for a very long time. I tried to reason with him. I knew he was anti gay rights, i offered to get him resources so he could learn about my relationship. i tried to get them to meet with my second partner. But no they didn't want anything to do with me anymore and they didn't know what they were going to tell my grandparents. ***(tangent....my parents were extremely abusive while i was growing up, i have worked hard to have a relationship with them and keep my family together because they were all that i had...blood is supposed to stick with you through anything)

after this conversation i texted my sister and told her that i probably wouldn't see her for a while because of what happened. she stated that i was stupid and that i shouldn't be doing this to my parents.

Christmas rolls around and i spent it alone ....P spent it with his other girlfriend and Y was at his parents. my birthday was spent with just a text message from my father.

i tried rebuilding a relationship with them through texting but they still wont accept anything.

I don't know how to deal with the rejection. I hurt so badly that i can't do anything. I didn't do anything terribly wrong. other then being honest which in my personal belief is right. There is not much out there to support a situation like this that i have been able to find.i try to stay happy and strong but i am just starting to get so tierd and worn down. I love my partners so very much. I will not break up with one of my partners (this wouldn't help anyway). My men try to be supportive but there isn't anything they can do.

ive considered therapy but i can't find therapy that would cover this issue. I can't grieve for the loss of my family because they arn't dead . And i know i will run into them so time. they live really close to me. i havn't figured out how to deal with this. I even asked if they would consider counselling with me to work through our problems and they declined and basically told me that they can't accept my choice and never will.

can anyone out there relate , has anyone gone through this, does anyone have a idea on how to cope with all this pain.
 
I am so sorry about what happened, and that you are hurting so.

You are a very strong person. Not only for opening up as you did, but for working so hard to maintain a relationship with people who are abusive. While you didnt go into detail about your childhood, it seems to me that this abuse in another form.

Therapy might help you understand them better, which might ease your mind somewhat. However, as far as they are concerned, it appears they have no desire to change, grow, and understand. You have reached out and they have declined. In that regard there isn't much you can do, except take care of you.

I wish like hell I had some magic words that would make them come around, but I don't. The only thing I have noticed is that abusive people seem to have a lot of fear in their hearts. A lot of people think hate is the opposite of love, but really it is fear is the opposite of love and destroys every good and wonderful emotion.

You are a strong person. You will survive this.
 
I am sorry you are hurting.

***(tangent....my parents were extremely abusive while i was growing up, i have worked hard to have a relationship with them and keep my family together because they were all that i had...blood is supposed to stick with you through anything)

This is something I don't believe in. People who hurt you, don't respect you, don't see you as you are, don't accept your life and your choices - they are not healthy or good for you, no matter if they are your family or not (I would even say that being hurt and not respected by your family, for most people, is even worse than being treated like that by non-family).

The only way YOU can grow, and get through this, is by accepting that they will not change (ever) and that you are the one making the decisions here.

You have 2 partners who, as you describe, are good, loving, caring people in your life. They are your family. Build a new family, from friends and people around you who you can be yourself with, who love you for what you are, not for what they want you to be.

Letting go of these blood ties may be very hard and painful. But by doing this you are choosing yourself.

I know a lot of people are of the opinion that you should always try to repair damaged family dynamics, love your parents no matter what, etc. I don't agree. You did not choose to be your parents daughter, you did not choose to be treated badly by them. You CAN choose to choose your own life.

Good luck.
 
This is something I don't believe in. People who hurt you, don't respect you, don't see you as you are, don't accept your life and your choices - they are not healthy or good for you, no matter if they are your family or not

I'm very sorry, but I agree with Cleo here, it's not healthy for you to keep trying to make them become family, and they have obviously shown that they won't. Sad as it is, I have written off family of my own, my blood mother, for similar reasons. It had nothing to do with me being poly, though I assume at the time she had her suspicions, but it was because she never accepted me as the person I am.

It sounds like you have the building blocks of a great family now. Treasure that and work to build on that. Don't let the negativity of the others get you down.
 
I am so sorry. Reading this made me so sound.

However, like Cleo, I feel the most important detail here is the detail you dismissed as a "tangent": your parents were abusive to you. They still ARE abusive to you. You do not need them in your life.

I definitely recommend therapy to talk about your parents' abuse. I don't think the issue is poly here; it's that you're parents are emotionally abusive.

I'm sad that you feel so guilty about your poly life now. Please trust your instincts and stick with your chosen family (your partners) and not your blood family.

Also, do your partners know how sad you were to be left alone on Christmas? Did you communicate to them how in-need-of-love-and-care you felt at the time? Why didn't Y invite you to share Christmas with his family? Have your two partners been more supportive of you since then?
 
You are of course all wonderful and all right . I'm beginning to see this as a whole multi layered issue.

The first part which i am looking at is more of the how to deal with the negativity directed towards coming out. In particular to loosing ones blood family. Also with loosing friends that were suppose to be with you for a long time/lifetime.

The second part is the abuse. which i have been trying to deal with since i was young. I have had therapy but i don't think its gone into enough about this.

i have chosen to try to cut my family out of my life mostly. but it hurts so bad. I want a parents and siblings that love and respect me. I want this with all my heart. the little girl in me wants this so badly. i struggle with accepting the idea that my family is so ignorant and abusive. i struggle with the idea that they can't accept me as i am when i went out of my way to accept them . Its not like i killed someone, i just love more then one person.

i get so angry because i have always done everything for them and when i was honest i just get more of the same abuse....i know i should expect it but the heart still wants that good loving family. i guess in alot of ways what you want and what "should" be isn't always what you get.

As to Christmas they are aware but i think in some ways i wanted them not to have a terrible holiday because of how things were with me. Both my partners don't know what to do or think or suggest. They hug me and provide lots of love but in the end they are kinda shocked about what happened as i am . I think its made them less likely to come out because of what happened now.

i still want to hear if possible about how others have handled this. it helps to make me feel less alone on this path in life .
 
My heart goes out to you {{{{hug}}}}

Hurt and confusion after such rejection is normal. Wanting living parents is a normal emotion. So is searching for answers to "why?".

Have you heard of the term "radical acceptance"?
If not, It's a wonderful way to let go of expectations. It sounds simple, to let go, yet it is a process.

If you are interested I can tell you more.

For now it would be very beneficial if you spoke with a therapist about this. You've suffered a major loss and they can help you process it. Therapists are ethically bound to be open and can help you work through this loss, no matter your living arrangement.
 
So I'm going to try and keep this short. I understand what you are going through, trying hard to have some sort of relationship with your parents, even though they were abusive. I have spent many months in hospital for mental issues and it always came back to me trying to have a relationship with my family even though they were abusive. At one point a therapist actually looked at me and had this little exchange:

"You're the one who just lost your mother?"

"No, my mother is still alive."

"Oh that's right! That's the problem!"


I have gone through many therapists trying to figure out how to deal with it, and the one that helped the most was the one that had me draft a divorce paper and send it to my mother. It has taken a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that my mother, was never really a mother. She was abusive, and even now we don't have a mother daughter relationship. I was not able to cut ties with her completely, for various reasons. However, I am able to live my life now without worrying. You see, it finally sunk in. I would spend my life trying to have a relationship with her, wanting that. She was not going to put in any work. A relationship, of any kind, can not work if both people aren't going to try.

So what worked for me? I leaned on my partner. We have kids, she wants to see the kids, so we put up our rules. No abuse, no swearing, and if she pulls the same crap (namely promising she'd be there and then not be and expect that they are kids so would get over it), then she lost the chance to be a part of their lives. The first time we enforced it, it was hard. She swore at me, she got mad, she called my siblings to call me and complain about how much I was hurting her.

My partner took the brunt. Willingly. He knew that it wouldn't hurt him and that he was strong enough so he just told them I wasn't talking to them at this time. We closed ranks, so to speak. Our family was our priority. My partner, my children. We worked on our family. My mother backed off for awhile but then she wanted to see the kids. From that point, she and I have a superficial but working relationship. I know she won't ever be the mother I want, need, or deserve, but I'm okay with that. She oversteps, tries too hard to act like we are friends, I just smile and nod, then cut off the conversation.


No, you can't find a therapost to help you grieve someone that isn't dead. BUT, you can find one to help you grieve that the mother you are waiting for, is not going to show up. That you can be okay with that, that you can move on. I've learned to accept those few good things I DID get or learn from my mother, realize she is just human, and that she just shouldn't have been a mother. Most definitely none of that was my fault. No matter what she believes or hangs onto. That's her issue.

Or as Ru Paul says, "What other people think of me is not my problem." :D
 
In situations like this there is a non-alignment of emotions and logic. Emotionally you want the loving, supportive family you never had, but logically you know that isn't going to happen. This non-alignment causes a lot of distress. So the question becomes how to get your emotions to let go of what they want so badly, but can't have.

For me, being aware that there is a disconnect between what I feel and the facts is a good start. I realize it sounds elementary, but when a person like yourself has been hurt very badly, and still wishes for the relationship (I have been there short term - not with parents), we tend to ignore our own emotions until something major occurs and we can't any longer. I am willing to bet that before the rejection over your lifestyle occurred, there were 1000 tiny hurts wielded by your parents that you dismissed as being unimportant, ignoring your own pain to keep the relationship alive. We fool ourselves by thinking things like: "Oh they didn't mean that," or "that sounded worse than they meant it," or "I am probably just being over-sensitive."

I found that part of my own process, included having to go back and deal with all of the shit I had ignored, trying to convince myself the person in question hadn't really hurt me, when in fact she did - and she meant to!

Like you, I had supportive, loving people in my life who had no magic answers, but were there while I worked through it. The sucky part is it takes time. A lot of time. And it is time we wish we didn't have to spend because we want the pain to stop NOW.

My best advice is to talk about it - whether with a therapist (and given that theses people are your parents that might be wise), your guys, your friends, on this forum. Don't let this shit just spin in your head like a hamster on a wheel.
 
(((hug)))

I don't really have anything constructive to say, but only that I have had an estrangement too, I know it hurts.

x
 
I am so truly, truly sorry to hear what you are going through. I am also terribly sorry to hear that you were, or are, not well. You have a hell of a lot on your plate. The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. And truly - congratulations and seriously well done for having the strength of character and belief in your own values to voice your polyamorous preferences to your family.

You have asked for personal experiences, to help you feel that someone relates to you, so I will share some with you before I offer you advice.

My situation hasn't been as severe as yours at all; but it hasn't been as wonderful and supportive as I aim to be with my daughter if she grows up and comes to me, petrified of what I'm going to think about something.

My girlfriend's situation was worse than mine. For a while, things between her parents and her were very frosty indeed. My girlfriend was in pieces for a long time. Even as adults, we subconsciously need our parents' approval more than we realise. The lack of it can send us into complete depression. My GF would take me on family days out, where I was in the company of her mother. Her mother literally pretended I wasn't there - looked right through me; didn't address me, etc etc. She told my GF that she felt it was no better than adultery, that it was unnatural (both the poly and the bisexual part)... all of the usual excuses people come up with to justify their own discomfort. Her sister was much like yours - she defended the reaction of their parents and said that GF had to understand their perspective. GF's Dad didn't like it either - though, in comparison, he was very nice to me. We met him for dinner and he just came straight out, when he and I were alone, and said that he didn't agree with it, but I'm a human being and he had absolutely no issue with me personally. His wife, however... hahaha... well, she says that I am not welcome in her house, because she wants to protect their teenage boys. And yes... she has gay friends too. It's funny how many outwardly liberal people freak out when something liberal lands on their actual doorstep.

One thing to bear in mind is that everything seems worse when it first happens. Give things time to settle. After a year, my GF's family are easier to deal with. More importantly - my girlfriend realised that if constantly reaching out to (and trying to persuade) her family was going to cause her rejection and hurt, she had to stop doing it.

That being said, now really might be the time to ask yourself if you really do want to continue to seek the approval of your family.

The 'blood is thicker than water' thing... it's nonsense. We have biological ties to our parents that affect our psyche as we develop. That is as far as it goes.

Counselling could actually help, with deeper issues. We are all effected by our parent-child relationships. They can manifest in limitless ways. For example, my own mom hasn't been as supportive or loving as I would like, about my poly pursuits, the fact that I mostly like women, or other things in my life. This got me down for a while. I also realised that it had an effect on my adult life and relationships. If therapy helps you uncover some issues like this, it can help you mend them.

My GF's parents were both very irresponsible when she was growing up. She has termed them emotionally abusive, for certain. She had therapy during her twenties to help her let go of the responsibility she felt; particularly towards her mother's reactions, feelings and behaviours in general. YOU are not responsible for the absolutely diabolical reaction of your family - they are. And more shame on them - for you are the truly enriched one; whilst they are lacking in many things.

One thing that did help my girlfriend, when she was really, really struggling with her parents' reaction to poly, was an analogy I gave her. She couldn't understand why they were so prejudice. This, in turn, naturally made her angry, confused, distraught. Again, in turn, it made her do what we all tend to do - try to persuade, teach, enlighten the ignorant party. What we don't realise is that when we do this, we actually look like we are trying to push them - and this can make them recoil even more. Even worse, and more importantly, we end up feeling more and more rejected.

The analogy I gave my GF, I will give to you. Imagine now, in your own mind, one thing that you might be prejudice about, or that you might find uncomfortable. It could be the idea of sitting around a table with a religious cult. Or a bunch of coke heads. Something else that doesn't land in your comfort zone. If you judge nothing, go more extreme. Think about how you'd feel sitting in a room full of convicted criminals. You think people in prison have done wrong, right? Even if you were open to hear their stories, even if they were wrongly convicted, even if they had good reasons for doing what they did and you came to see things differently, would you not initially judge them, based on your own moral code? And based on this, would you not feel uncomfortable?

For some people, homosexuality, polyamory.. anything that deviates from *their* idea of normality... really, literally, feels as wrong to them as murder or theft or some other kind of crime. It doesn't fit with their moral beliefs. Now, of course, you aren't hurting anyone. But that isn't the point. They think that your way of life is *wrong*. And this makes them uncomfortable.

If you can get inside their heads that way, it can help you find understanding - at least in terms of why they are reacting this way towards you. It could help you realise that none of this is your fault - it's all them. It's all to do with them.

Their extreme reactions mean that they are ignorant and, sadly for them, incapable of understanding. Incapable of real love. It is sad for them - take stock of how dark their lives are in comparison you what you have. You have real love - you have it twice, with two wonderful partners. You have self-conviction. You have compassion; you tried to keep your family together. You have loyalty, you have honesty, you have many wonderful treasures that they are void of. Take comfort in that; because it really does mean everything.
 
I am sorry that you are hurting. Your coming out to family sounds like the worst-case scenario imaginable.

I have had to deal with rejection from my parents - not because of poly, but anyway. It is so painful, and it takes a lot of time to recover from, but the recovery is possible. Other people here have given you good advice... maybe you want to look into my blog on this site, there is something about this subject, too.
 
I haven't come out to my family yet... partially because I'm currently only with one person, and partially because I'm a coward. At this point in my life I'm dealing with some pretty serious health issues and don't think I have the emotional strength to deal with that conversation too. Someday I'll probably feel differently, but I applaud you for being brave and honest about who you are and who you love.

That being said, I thought Dan Savage had some pretty good advice about coming out. He actually said it about gay kids, but it applies here too. He said give it a year after you come out for things to settle down and for your family to sort of get used to the idea that you're not living up to the same societal standards that they are. Give them time to adjust to the new reality. Don't push them, don't try to educate them. That's something they have to do for themselves. If after a year they still reject you, make a new family. The best weapon you have in your arsenal as an adult child/sibling is your presence, and you should not have to hide who you are just to make sure that they can stay within their narrow comfort zone. As another poster said, make a new family. With your partners, friends, whoever loves and accepts you for the complicated and interesting person that you are. Blood means nothing.
 
while not related to poly, more to lesbians & gays, ... but aside from that it's all the same issues.

a documentry film "for the bible told me so", they followed and talked with quite a few christian families and their strong views of what is and is not acceptable sexuality.

many came to accept that their children were still the same when they came out, it took those families a long time, coming from a christian background these families had to really sit down and re-examine their faith, at least re-examine what it meant, what it says is and isn't acceptable more than just how it's interpreted.

a few though unfortunatly never got to reach that point, as their children came out they were not accepted "oh it's just a phase", ... unfortunately for those families they'll never get to see their children again.

yes it's important for so many that the ones that accept them the most be their family, that's so very important for so many people, ... and when that acceptance does not come, they just can't handle it.

then it's doubly as hard on the parents when they realize fully how serious and important to their children it was to come out to them.
 
How to deal-one step at a time.

My closest "family" aren't blood. But we are very tight. Over 20 years of dedication.
My childrens "uncles" are all chosen family members.
As we have grown up, married, had children of our own the "family" has expanded to include uncles, aunts, cousins, grabdparents. None of whome are blood ties but all of us family in a much more cohesive unit than ANY blood families I have ever met

It IS painful to realize that people you care for are not all you hoped that they would be.

My advise-throw yourself into living an authentic life of your own. You will find that your true "family" will grow and fill in the gaps where you need companionship and support.
Spend some time looking into grieving. Then-work through the grief consciously. Death is the loss we most often speak of. But death isnt the only loss warranting patience and tlc. You HAVE lost your bio family through their unwillingness to love and accept you as you are. Grieve that loss.
But don't fight to keep them. Like a loved one who dies, we need to let go of them in order to move on with our own lives.
 
It seems like some parents have a well honed skill at shaming their children for not following what they think you should be or do. Does not strike me as the unconditional love I would expect to see from good parents. It does not surprise me to hear they were abusive.

I never got a chance to come out to my parents about my being poly, their reaction to my sexuality (bisexual) summarily disqualified them from further privilege of being in my life. It was incredibly painful at the time, but I took back all the power they were trying to take from me by laying it out to them in black and white:

You are not entitled to have a relationship with me unless you can accept who I am. This is not a negotiable issue.

The day I laid this out to them I stopped being parented by them and stared parenting myself. I turned out to be a much better parent: my first successful action was to protect me from 2 abusive adults. I also established that a relationship with me was not their right, but a privilege - this reinforced my feeling of value. I get to call the shots in my life, not them.

Thats the best I have; I wish I had something I could offer you besides my experience to make you feel better in the moment.
 
The only way these people can have power over you is if you give them it.
 
'coming out' to accquiantences/strangers?

Hi everybody :) so today I have a general poly question thats on my mind, in part cause I now have a weekly poly column and this weeks column is about "coming out". Case in point, Nudge and I work together, and i was just outside talking to a girl I know in the building and take smoke breaks with. i referenced an outing with Nudge in discussion, discussing our going to bars/clubs etc, and also referenced my spouse. im not sure she thought anything of this..maybe she just assumed we're friends, maybe she was curious. Granted, its none of her business...but I did FEEL like saying he was my partner but wasnt sure how she would react. This has happened with other people from the building to who see us together.

Any one have experience with this? would you just say it, and be damned what their reaction is? I like being be able to reference him as my partner cause i adore him and all. We are not 'out' to the world, some of our friends and family know, and we dont hide anything while out in public.

Your opinions will be helpful while I think about writing my column on it too :)
 
I've told people, friends, just because it can be obvious that I am seeing two different people and I don't want them to think I am cheating. Work situations can be different if you have one of those kind of jobs where they like to control your life like I do. It doesn't seem that you have one of those jobs and so I guess you could tell people just so you can be natural with one another. Being different is sometimes a cause for people to isolate you though, out of fear more than anything. If you, like many people do, gain a lot of social interaction through their colleagues, you might want to be really selective with who you tell. It might not be worth the fallout.
 
Being mono, I get dealt the "victim" card by some folks, so when it does come out, I tend to have to go into over-explaining mode to make sure they realize that no, I'm not being used. yes, it's a good relationship. Yadda yadda.

My friends at work know that P is poly (well, that he has another LTR - the word "poly" seems too loaded, so I say "non-exclusive" instead), and they're cool with it.

P and I have some mutual friends, however, that just took it horribly. I'm the victim. He's the user. Right now, it's kind of turned into a stupid sitcom where the wife of a mutual friend (who's known P since 3rd grade) wants to invite only me to their housewarming party, so I can invite P as my date, rather than inviting both of us and having P take M1 as well (who seems to be persona non grata among some of the friends).

So far, I haven't seen an invitation, so maybe she's just not inviting any of us. C'est la vie.

I end up getting stranger looks because people in town still think my ex and I are married. It seems every few months or so, I'm telling someone else that no, we're divorced, and they're quite shocked. Probably because my ex and I still attend school functions for the kids together and talk and whatnot (and I still get along great with his mom and her BF), but I find it amusing that he hears people say "I saw your wife" and doesn't bother to correct them.

The most recent time I explained to someone that yes, we divorced two years ago, I added, "so when you see me at a function with a strange guy, now you know what that's all about." The reply I got was, "Well, you never know what people do in their private lives" and I had to laugh inside and think "if you only knew!" :D
 
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