Polyamory and Virgins

Would it bother you if someone was willing to wait, but wouldn't consider you to be in serious relationship until you started having sex? So you could do all the things you are comfortable with, date, be affectionate, everything you need to trust someone, but that person wouldn't consider you a girlfriend or necessary fulfil boyfriend obligations until you start having sex?
I just think that your obligations to a friend is different to that of a partner. You still have obligations, but in terms of input into decisions about the future, it would be more asking their opinion. I wouldn't consider my friendships when considering a game changing situation whereas I would consider how they'd impact on my romantic relationships.
I know you didn't ask me personally, but chiming in anyway...

While I'd find that stance hard to relate to - and of course, with someone like me, you'd be settling for friendship permanently, as genital sex with me is forever off the table and not just a "sometime later" thing to wait for - I don't see anything wrong with it. Basically, I don't make any such hard boundary between a close friendship and a partnership in the first place... to me it's just a question of which of these terms everyone involved chooses to go by; there's little tangible, practical difference between "best friend" and "partner", IMO (R. and I use both of these for our ship pretty much interchangeably, too), especially if you're open for non-sexual but sensual/erotic stuff like cuddles, kisses, breast play with someone you'd still call just a friend.

I guess that's me having an anarchistic streak in regards to such labels, and a very strong need for independence that pretty much makes me suck as a "primary" partner in the usual sense, anyway (living together, shared finances, etc.pp.), above and beyond the question of sex. *shrug*
 
I know you didn't ask me personally, but chiming in anyway...

While I'd find that stance hard to relate to - and of course, with someone like me, you'd be settling for friendship permanently, as genital sex with me is forever off the table and not just a "sometime later" thing to wait for - I don't see anything wrong with it. Basically, I don't make any such hard boundary between a close friendship and a partnership in the first place... to me it's just a question of which of these terms everyone involved chooses to go by; there's little tangible, practical difference between "best friend" and "partner", IMO (R. and I use both of these for our ship pretty much interchangeably, too), especially if you're open for non-sexual but sensual/erotic stuff like cuddles, kisses, breast play with someone you'd still call just a friend.

I guess that's me having an anarchistic streak in regards to such labels, and a very strong need for independence that pretty much makes me suck as a "primary" partner in the usual sense, anyway (living together, shared finances, etc.pp.), above and beyond the question of sex. *shrug*
Haha, I should have replied to london's posts earlier too.:p When reading them, I thought, "So what if I'm not considered a girlfriend? I don't care about the label; I only care about the substance of the relationship."

In fact, I don't particularly want to use "boyfriend/girlfriend" in my non-primary relationships, because "boyfriend/girlfriend" would sound like we were riding the relationship escalator, which I don't plan to do with any non-primary. My current non-primary relationship is a romantic friendship, which is non-sexual by definition, and we're perfectly fine referring to each other as "romantic friend" or "affectionate friend". I don't think this title is inferior to "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "partner". To me, the only difference between a romantic friendship and a romantic partnership is practical life sharing (or the intention to do that), but that doesn't indicate the level of emotional involvement.

Oh well, enough rambling from the asexual relationship anarchist POV.;) I guess for most people, even as unconventional as polys, "bf/gf" is still more than any kind of "friend".
 
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Wow, this is a hot thread! Have not read quite all of it, but want to add my response to the OP. I was a poly virgin for a while. I was raised in a very strict religious environment: sex belongs to marriage only, and marriage is between one man and one woman only. I did not get married as long as I believed in that all. At some point I could not believe in the system anymore, and that was the time when I also started re-thinking the relationship issues as well as issues considering sex.

My ponderings lead me to the belief that honesty and openness in communication in relationships are of far more importance than sex. So before ever having sex with anyone, I had a poly mentality. Also, I never really had any romantic relationships before that either, so in that sense my history is very different from the OP's.

Anyway, I think there are many things positive in the fact that I started being sexually active very late and after a considerable amount of processing it in my mind. My first partner had to wait for me to be ready, and the opening came little by little. They did not look for sex anywhere else during this time, but that would have been ok for me - we did discuss it and they understood what I meant. It was a very beautiful process and I can happily look back to it now and feel good about my life then and my life now.
 
It was a very beautiful process and I can happily look back to it now and feel good about my life then and my life now.

You're very lucky to be able to do that! In the generally sex-negative society we live in it's a real gift to be able to have had a positive introduction to intimacy.

From my own background in Taoist Sacred Sexuality I would have to say that the OP seems to have her sexuality well and truly under a mental gridlock put in place by, I'm guessing, her family or religion. The real problem with this is that it can make it very difficult, as Magdlyn alludes to, to get in contact with the physical, emotional and (tao-speak) energetic processes that take place when Jing Qi (sexual energy) starts to flow.

On the positive side, it can be a big plus that the OP is wanting to make conscious choices when it comes to when and with whom to explore her sexuality.

On the down side the long list of mental and emotional pre-conditions she has in place may make it tough for her to actually enjoy, experience and feel good about herself and her actions once she does decide to proceed.
 
. . . honesty and openness in communication in relationships are of far more importance than sex. So before ever having sex with anyone, I had a poly mentality.

Why do you call that a "poly mentality?" Honesty and openness in communication are important for any relationship, whether poly or mono.
 
Why do you call that a "poly mentality?" Honesty and openness in communication are important for any relationship, whether poly or mono.

You're right... I should have explained a bit more detailed, but since the emphasis in this thread is in virginity, I did not think it was that important. But since you asked, so - my thought process went on like this: If honesty is the core value and sex is not as important as I have been told it is, then why would it matter if someone has sex with more than one person if they are honest about it with all the partners? Also, love comes in all sizes and shapes and I want to enjoy all of it that comes along - with or without sex involved. Also what has been important to me is that I won't hinder anyone's freedom to do what they enjoy doing or be with whomever they wish, whether it be friendships or more.
 
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I know this is kind of a reserection of the thread, but I am new member, just having stumbled into this site.

As has been mentioned a cpl of times, I will presumptivly accept that poly minded people would have a range of outlooks not dissimilar to the (presumpitvly monogamous) society at large, making it more a general discussion of virginity generally. That said, I will throw out several individual statements:

Statement #1 - Everyone should be in charge of their body and what they do or don't do with it.

Statement #2 - As a general rule of life, if you have to wonder if you should do (whatever), you probably shouldn't.

Statement #3 - ( excluding the asexual, or if one only meets people through venues oriented narrowly to a specific sexual outlook) everyone will at least subconciously have at least a general sense of progression of esculation of physical (sexual or quasi-sexual related) .

Statement #5 - As the OP indicated timely discussion of decisive limits should be done in timely manner.

Statement #6 - the world is a big place , and there is at least one person oriented to ANY combination of (whatever) , no matter how obscurte or seemingly contradictory.

Statement #7 - Regarding the above, yes thoughtfulness and patientce have their (important) place, a catagoric position that the *wild thing* is off the board for a looong time , if not perminantly will remove a huge portion of the population ( again presuming over the age of adulthood in their place/ culture). The remaining cohort will be heavily predisposed of : asexuals , those with serious psycological issues, and religous fanatics.

Statement #8 - Presuming that someone similarily situated to the OP does go ahead and eventually engage in *the Wild thing* after extended delay , I will make some totally madeup, wild ass sstistics of their reactions :

10% - Hey, everything came about just right.
10% - Thru bad eventual choices, or just plain bad luck the experience was unpleasant to worst nightmere.

80% - Holy Crap, this is Great ! I wish I'd gone here a long time ago.
 
Actually, as someone who wishes to wait several years before having sex, poly is probably PERFECT for you :)

In a monogamous relationship, finding a sexually minded partner (as you've said you want) who is willing to wait years before going to bed with you...well, that's probably impossible. And even if you found someone like that, the chances of them cheating on you would be high. And you don't want someone asexual....because then they'll never want sex and you will, eventually.

But in a poly relationship, they could have, or be developing, another relationship, which could fulfill their physical needs till you were ready. And you don't have to feel the pressures of doing things before you're ready or feel guilt at denying your partner something.
 
If it worked for me, it can work for you.

I was actually a poly virgin until a few years ago. I've known I'd pursue poly since my Jr. year in High School, but I wasn't nearly ready to have sex with anyone. The monogamous people I dated saw my virginity as a prize, which in itself was a turn off. I just wasn't ready. At some point during college, I started meeting different partners. I was in relationships with around 3 people and sex actually wasn't such a huge issue. I kept cringing, thinking they'd tire of waiting, but my partners liked me for more than my "prize". Of those relationships, I had a secondary relationship with a married man that lasted over 5 years. I "lost" my virginity to him after waiting two years.

Don't do what you're not comfortable doing. If I gave in to the pressures around me, it could have been my undoing. I'm happy I waited; it wasn't about anyone else, it was for me. The person I first had sex with couldn't have been a better partner. Really out of all wonderful people I was seeing, I trusted him the most (but at the time we probably had the weakest romantic connection. Go figure).
 
In a monogamous relationship, finding a sexually minded partner (as you've said you want) who is willing to wait years before going to bed with you...well, that's probably impossible. And even if you found someone like that, the chances of them cheating on you would be high. And you don't want someone asexual....because then they'll never want sex and you will, eventually.

This is really making a lot of assumptions about how 'everyone' thinks and feels on this topic. There are plenty of people out there who value waiting, even until marriage.
 
This is really making a lot of assumptions about how 'everyone' thinks and feels on this topic. There are plenty of people out there who value waiting, even until marriage.

Sexual, poly, AND willing to date for several years before sex? They exist. .... but how many people like that do you know?
 
Actually, as someone who wishes to wait several years before having sex, poly is probably PERFECT for you :)

In a monogamous relationship, finding a sexually minded partner (as you've said you want) who is willing to wait years before going to bed with you...well, that's probably impossible.

But in a poly relationship, they could have, or be developing, another relationship, which could fulfill their physical needs till you were ready.

Sexual, poly, AND willing to date for several years before sex? They exist. .... but how many people like that do you know?

I think you just changed the terms of discussion. :)

You yourself said poly is perfect for someone who doesn't want to have sex right away, that it's monogamous relationships in which you won't find that. Now you're saying no one who is poly will accept it?

But to answer your question, yes, I do know someone who is sexual, (very sexual), poly, and willing to date for years without sex. In fact, he's even given up swinging, sex with others, everyone apart from his wife, and other relationships, in order to date the person he does, because she means that much to him.
 
I think you just changed the terms of discussion. :)

You yourself said poly is perfect for someone who doesn't want to have sex right away, that it's monogamous relationships in which you won't find that. Now you're saying no one who is poly will accept it?

But to answer your question, yes, I do know someone who is sexual, (very sexual), poly, and willing to date for years without sex. In fact, he's even given up swinging, sex with others, everyone apart from his wife, and other relationships, in order to date the person he does, because she means that much to him.

I meant willing to not have sex with anyone during that time. Your example is precisely why I encourage d the op into poly lifestyle.
 
Thanks for the reply, I'd be happy to answer your own question.

I'm fairly young and so being a virgin isn't completely surprising for someone my age, but I keep my virginity because I was raised to think of sex as a special and intimate act for someone you truly care about. At first I thought this meant marriage, and it seemed an easy way to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy anyhow. I'm glad I didn't get into the mess that is sex during high school-- too confusing and too much peer pressure.

Now that I'm older, I know marriage isn't required for sex to be special and full of meaning, but I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.

That's the simple answer, though I could rant for ages on sex and virginity and how I perceive it.

I feel the same way and have been the same way, I am 23 years old now.~ Still no sex, but that's fine because to be honest if the feelings of emotional love aren't there for me then feelings of physical desire don't really happen for me or are just brief flickers of desire.~

I guess this is because of the fact that I regularly masturbate, so my libido is often satisfied as I have been doing since the age of 9.~

I also think that because of the way I am, staying a Virgin is easier for me: my every thing: heart, mind, body, and soul are not separate and are in every thing that I am and do.~

Be true to yourself,

ColorsWolf
 
I'm eighteen, for reference. I actually have a very high libido, as far as playing with myself goes. I masturbate almost every day, and have for the last few years. And I like intimacy with a partner such as hugging and kissing-- I'm very open to physical interaction.

I'm also young, I'm in my 20's and I thought I am not able to pleasure myself until I am dating a close friend online that I have a found connection with. We're both far away, but as I get to know her...she's a romantic type like myself. We're pretty much open to discuss about most things.

I don't think I have an issue with trust, per se. I grew up well adjusted with a nice family. My parents never talked about sex, so it was a bit of an ethereal concept until I started exploring my own body. The reason I think I prefer to have a long term partner before I consider sex is because I'm incredibly romantic. I loved fairy tales, having a destined soul mate, and was told to wait for the right person before having sex, so the idea of trusting someone heart and soul before trusting them with my body has become important.

I can relate. My folks raised me to be a good member of society and I feel like I am, but I refuse to live their religious views as well as live their conformist 9-5 lifestyle. I feel like sex has meaning and it's more than just pleasure. So I too want to get to know a girl first and see if I have similar views, experiences, and interests as her. In terms of trust I have good faith in a person first. I keep an open mind and I have a laid-back kind of personality, so if I sense I'm in a toxic relationship I immediately remove myself from the relationship.

I consider sex as a whole to be comprised of a lot of different parts that can all be thought of as sex. I don't claim to define it for anyone else but, to me, sex would be direct contact with another person's genitals, be it with my own genitals or other parts of my body, which I have yet to experience. Things like making out, breast play, touching above the waist are all fine by me.

For me, anything that involves a penis penetrating the panty area (vagina and anus) is what I considered sex. Oral sex, making out, and fondling the body/private parts is just sexual gestures, but not an act of sex.

I wouldn't limit my dating to people with low sex drives or who are asexual. I think, once I start engaging in sex, it'd be something I'd take part in with enthusiasm and eagerness, considering my masturbation habits. I like learning about sex in any aspect, even things I probably wouldn't try myself, just because I think it's interesting. I suppose as far as play with other people, I'd be open to anything that didn't involve direct genital contact, which like I said is how I define sex. I probably draw the line at seeing them entirely naked, depending on how committed and involved I am with that person.

Hmm, I feel that I'm a highly sexual person, but as I haven't had sex...I sometimes have doubts and think that I'm probably not. I like sex and I expect the person I'm with to like sex as well, but on a healthy level. I also discovered that I'm into certain kinks and fetishes as well, but it wouldn't really bother me much if the person I'm with isn't kinky or have certain sexual fetishes.

In short, I'm very sex positive and open to a lot of things. My desire to keep my virginity is a combination of romantic ideals and an apprehension about sharing something as personal as my body with another person. Thanks for the questions, they made me think a bit.

It's nice to hear that there are still young people out there who see sex as special and it should be exclusive to special people only. :) I'm very disappointed that young people or people within my peer group these days think that the emotional can be separated from sex when that's false.
 
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Its nice to hear that there are still young people out there who see sex as special and it should be exclusive to special people only. I'm very disappointed that young people or people within my peer group these days think that the emotional can be separated from sex when that's false.

Maybe youre unable to separate sex and emotions and want to save sex for some super special girly so you don't go to Hell or whatever, but that certainly isn't my view of sex. Young people don't need you to feel disappointed for them. You have your views that you've been raised with, lots of us do not subscribe to those views and feel sex is a fun activity you can do with whoever you like, whenever you like. That might be everyday with near strangers, it might be never. What's important is that we don't have people looking down on us or feeling disappointed that we are choosing to experiement and discoveru ourselves as sexual beings.

Oral sex, making out, and fondling the body/private parts is just sexual gestures, but not an act of sex.

And this is a common claim that people unfulfilled and unhappy by their self restrictions on sex so they start saying things like "yeah, God won't punish me if I stick my cock in her mouth/he puts his tongue in my pussy because even though I'm experiencing sexual arousal, sexual gratification and even possibly orgasm, because our genitals aren't actually touching so it isn't real sex. Only real sex counts." That is weak, man, seriously. Ether you shouldn't bond with people sexually because it isn't right outside the confines of marriage or a serious, committed relationship or consensual sex between adults is always fine.
 
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Maybe youre unable to separate sex and emotions and want to save sex for some super special girly so you don't go to Hell or whatever, but that certainly isn't my view of sex. Young people don't need you to feel disappointed for them. You have your views that you've been raised with, lots of us do not subscribe to those views and feel sex is a fun activity you can do with whoever you like, whenever you like. That might be everyday with near strangers, it might be never. What's important is that we don't have people looking down on us or feeling disappointed that we are choosing to experiement and discoveru ourselves as sexual beings.

Alright and vice versa, don't chastise those who see sex as something valuable and who chooses to reserve it for someone special. I discover what I'm into just from looking at porn. I don't feel the need to casually go to a girl and experiment with her. Sex is easy to come by these days, but that's just my opinion.

By the way, I'm not religious.

And this is a common claim that people unfulfilled and unhappy by their self restrictions on sex so they start saying things like "yeah, God won't punish me if I stick my cock in her mouth/he puts his tongue in my pussy because even though I'm experiencing sexual arousal, sexual gratification and even possibly orgasm, because our genitals aren't actually touching so it isn't real sex. Only real sex counts." That is weak, man, seriously. Ether you shouldn't bond with people sexually because it isn't right outside the confines of marriage or a serious, committed relationship or consensual sex between adults is always fine.

Again, I'm not religious. I have my views and you have yours. Plus, it's a bit unreasonable to assume that people who refuse to give sex up so easily is unhappy or unfulfilled. :p
 
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That might be everyday with near strangers,it might be never

I already covered people who don't want to have sex. You do know who Bill Clinton is right? Someone who tries to pretend a penetrative sex act like oral sex isn't real sex so they can do it without feeling guilty, wrong or dirty obviously isn't fulfilled by the celibacy they are imposing on themself.
 
don't chastise those who see sex as something valuable and who chooses to reserve it for someone special.

Just because I choose to have sex with 1000 men a month, it doesn't mean I don't view sex as valuable. It also doesn't mean that I don't think all one thousand of these men arent special.

I think you need to start saying things from your point of view: "I don't see women as special until I feel we have been seeing each other for a year" rather than "nobody can be special to someone else unless they've been dating a year". See the difference?
 
I already covered people who don't want to have sex. You do know who Bill Clinton is right? Someone who tries to pretend a penetrative sex act like oral sex isn't real sex so they can do it without feeling guilty, wrong or dirty obviously isn't fulfilled by the celibacy they are imposing on themself.

I think the reason why I don't consider oral sex as "sex" is because a girl doesn't have a chance of getting pregnant when semen is in her mouth.

Vaginal sex is pretty obvious and engaging in anal sex with a girl can get her pregnant if the semen happens to slip out of her anus and gets into the vagina.

I still go by the dictionary term for sexual intercourse, but I mix in my own morals when it comes to sex. Again, I'm not religious.

Just because I choose to have sex with 1000 men a month, it doesn't mean I don't view sex as valuable. It also doesn't mean that I don't think all one thousand of these men arent special.

Sorry, but I just don't see that. Again, my opinion. :)

I think you need to start saying things from your point of view: "I don't see women as special until I feel we have been seeing each other for a year" rather than "nobody can be special to someone else unless they've been dating a year". See the difference?

Alright, fair enough. :)
 
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