Polyamory and Virgins

ChaiLatteWriter

New member
Hello, everyone. I'm new to the poly scene and just joined the website. I've been learning about polyamory online, and there is one question I can't seem to find an answer for.

I'll cut to the chase. I'm a virgin. One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex, and many of the websites I've been to assumed sex would be a part of any polyamorous relationship.

But no websites seem to address having multiple romantic relationships without sex, or virgins who are polyamorous, and a couple implied that sex was what made it more than friendship. I only found a few mentions of polyamorous virgins when I searched for it, with the term platonic polyamory thrown out there, but platonic implies no romance and that doesn't seem befitting of the situation. I've had several long term relationships without sex and they were incredibly fulfilling, and certainly more than just intimate friendships in my view.

So I wanted to know other peoples' opinions. Is sex presumed in the polyamory community? Is it a turn off to find potential partners and discover they're virgins? Would it be awkward to date a virgin and have other partners that are sexually available?

I'm really curious about this. Any and all opinions are welcome and appreciated.
 
Sex is assued in most dating circuits-mono and poly alike.
But-that doesn't mean one can't be poly and a virgin.
It might be awkward. But-whatever. Being poly in a mono world is awkward. Being bi in a hetero workd is awkward. Being a woman in a mans world is awkward.
I think there's nothing wrong with identifying ones ability to be romantically loving with more than one person before having had sex with anyone.
 
I'm not sure how old you are. It isn't really relevant, but we were all virgins at some point, and anyone who is not had to have had their first experience with another person. If I were going to pull imaginary statistics out of my anus (as opposed to providing high-quality provenance of data), I would imagine that "most" people have their first "sexual experience" with someone else who is "not a virgin". What does "not a virgin" mean, anyway? Does it mean you have been penetrated by a penis? Does it mean you have gotten naked? Had a relationship? Said "I love you"? Exchanged body fluids? Had an orgasm? Please define what makes you a virgin or not, so we can have a discussion that makes sense.
 
Polyamory is just a structure for how you conduct your relationships, and poly relationships are not much different from mono ones -- there are just more of them in one's life. All poly means is that you have more than one person you're in an intimate/love relationship with. If how you conduct relationships is also as a virgin, that's how you conduct your relationships. We had a very active member here for a while, named Ray, and she was poly and a virgin (by that, I believe she meant she had never had penetrative sex with a partner) -- but she was also kinky! Sex is not a requirement for poly or mono relationships, though it is usually expected in both if one is a consenting adult. It doesn't matter - live your life the way you wish!
 
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I'm not a virgin, but I'm asexual. If all my partners were okay with not having sex with me, I could totally have several non-sexual relationships. And that would be the best for me! :D

So, it's possible to do polyamory without having sex. But just like non-sexual mono relationships are rare, non-sexual poly relationships are also rare. Just like mono people may be turned off by virgins, it can happen with poly people too. But if staying a virgin is what you want, then by all means stay a virgin. You have the right to have the exact kind of relationships you want!
 
I'm not a virgin, but I'm asexual. If all my partners were okay with not having sex with me, I could totally have several non-sexual relationships. And that would be the best for me! :D

So, it's possible to do polyamory without having sex. But just like non-sexual mono relationships are rare, non-sexual poly relationships are also rare. Just like mono people may be turned off by virgins, it can happen with poly people too. But if staying a virgin is what you want, then by all means stay a virgin. You have the right to have the exact kind of relationships you want!
Both asexual and a virgin here (and turning 39 years old this month... so my V-card pretty much is platinum by now :p). I couldn't agree more.

Poly isn't inherently about sex (and I'd say that people who say "poly minus sex is just friendship" don't really understand relationships, period)... but for the vast majority of people, sex is a natural part of the kind of close, loving relationships they desire for themselves. So, yeah, it can take some time to find someone who'd want to be your love partner if you want to remain virginal - there's no point in denying that a "no sex" stance will diminish your dating pool considerably.

I would say, though, that it's less unlikely to find compatible partners among the poly bunch than among monos if you want to remain virginal... not only do polys think outside the box of what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be in the eyes of society (like, duh!), but poly also can be a very helpful tool in getting sexless 'ships to work happily, seeing as the sexual needs of a partner who does desire sex can be met by other partner(s). I sure know that it's a relief for me to know R., with whom I'm happily been shipping for five years now, doesn't need to shut off/starve that part of her life just because it's not something she can share with me.

Counterintuitive as it may sound to some: I've found that polyamory is quite a lot more common among asexuals than among society at large. Still a minority way of life there, but a noticeably bigger minority we are. ;)
 
The folks who posted before me pretty much covered the bases - it is totally possible to be poly and a virgin. Uncommon, maybe, but certainly possible.

Feel free to ignore this as your question has been answered and I am asking out of my own curiousity - what does virginity mean to you?

It took me much longer than my peers to have sex but that was not a completely conscious choice - rather a combination of introversion and an utter inability to recognize flirting. So I am curious about folks who decide to be virgins consciously and thoughtfully.
 
The folks who posted before me pretty much covered the bases - it is totally possible to be poly and a virgin. Uncommon, maybe, but certainly possible.

Feel free to ignore this as your question has been answered and I am asking out of my own curiousity - what does virginity mean to you?

It took me much longer than my peers to have sex but that was not a completely conscious choice - rather a combination of introversion and an utter inability to recognize flirting. So I am curious about folks who decide to be virgins consciously and thoughtfully.

Thanks for the reply, I'd be happy to answer your own question.

I'm fairly young and so being a virgin isn't completely surprising for someone my age, but I keep my virginity because I was raised to think of sex as a special and intimate act for someone you truly care about. At first I thought this meant marriage, and it seemed an easy way to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy anyhow. I'm glad I didn't get into the mess that is sex during high school-- too confusing and too much peer pressure.

Now that I'm older, I know marriage isn't required for sex to be special and full of meaning, but I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.

That's the simple answer, though I could rant for ages on sex and virginity and how I perceive it.
 
...I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.

Hmm, OK, you're in your late teens? You have a very low libido? You don't get horny, you don't masturbate?

Or, you have a libido, you do get horny, you do masturbate? But there's something going on with you around "Trust" with a capital T, to a very large (several years duration) degree before you'd want to "have sex" with a romantic interest?

Look at your unusual need for trust. What does that entail? Have you had others break your trust as a child/young person to the degree that you're unusually untrustful and even closed off emotionally now? Or, otoh, maybe you've been sexually molested and do not associate healthy sexuality with love...

And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.
 
And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.


I was actually curious about those things myself, and asked some of those questions right away, but you asked more of them & i agree that the OP does not owe anyone an answer, publicly or otherwise. But, it is a worthwhile discussion.
 
Hmm, OK, you're in your late teens? You have a very low libido? You don't get horny, you don't masturbate?

Or, you have a libido, you do get horny, you do masturbate? But there's something going on with you around "Trust" with a capital T, to a very large (several years duration) degree before you'd want to "have sex" with a romantic interest?

Look at your unusual need for trust. What does that entail? Have you had others break your trust as a child/young person to the degree that you're unusually untrustful and even closed off emotionally now? Or, otoh, maybe you've been sexually molested and do not associate healthy sexuality with love...

And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.

I'm going to quote this whole thing and answer each part, because I don't mind sharing and talking about this topic is nice.

I'm eighteen, for reference. I actually have a very high libido, as far as playing with myself goes. I masturbate almost every day, and have for the last few years. And I like intimacy with a partner such as hugging and kissing-- I'm very open to physical interaction.

I don't think I have an issue with trust, per se. I grew up well adjusted with a nice family. My parents never talked about sex, so it was a bit of an ethereal concept until I started exploring my own body. The reason I think I prefer to have a long term partner before I consider sex is because I'm incredibly romantic. I loved fairy tales, having a destined soul mate, and was told to wait for the right person before having sex, so the idea of trusting someone heart and soul before trusting them with my body has become important.

I consider sex as a whole to be comprised of a lot of different parts that can all be thought of as sex. I don't claim to define it for anyone else but, to me, sex would be direct contact with another person's genitals, be it with my own genitals or other parts of my body, which I have yet to experience. Things like making out, breast play, touching above the waist are all fine by me.

I wouldn't limit my dating to people with low sex drives or who are asexual. I think, once I start engaging in sex, it'd be something I'd take part in with enthusiasm and eagerness, considering my masturbation habits. I like learning about sex in any aspect, even things I probably wouldn't try myself, just because I think it's interesting. I suppose as far as play with other people, I'd be open to anything that didn't involve direct genital contact, which like I said is how I define sex. I probably draw the line at seeing them entirely naked, depending on how committed and involved I am with that person.

In short, I'm very sex positive and open to a lot of things. My desire to keep my virginity is a combination of romantic ideals and an apprehension about sharing something as personal as my body with another person. Thanks for the questions, they made me think a bit.
 
I don't think there needs to be sex for a relationship to be fulfilling - virgin or not.

I am not a virgin. I have sex with my boyfriend. However, my girlfriend and I, almost never have sex. At first this worried me, not because either felt any less romantic with one another but because sex is generally expected and some would say that, without it, what we have is just friendship.

It's not. We've been together about 9 months now and we're happy, affectionate and in love.

I do agree with insane mystic though. If we didn't both have other partners whom we were sexual with, we would probably have sex pretty regularly, but as it is, that need is pretty much covered for both of us and we prefer to be intimate in other ways.

Also, as for your original post stating that in your readings you've found that polyamory is very much focused on sex - I would say that's not true. Sex in poly is no more of a focus that sex in monogamous relationships. In fact, I've found that from my experience on this forums, poly people tend to be less focused an just sex and more focused on the closeness and love they can form with another.
 
I think you're more likely to run into people who have an issue with why they can't have sex with you than the fact that they can't. To put it briefly, it's this concept of them having to earn your trophy through a series of auditions, tests and observations that will determine if they are worthy of your body. For some people, they need sex to feel some of the things that you are requesting of them to get sex, so you'll be at an impasse. Just for the record,i don't believe asexuality is the issue here, I think it's patriarchy with a healthy side of sex negativity.
 
Frankly-I like your attitude.

I'm not a virgin (holy Lord that would be funny cause I have 3 children who are biologically mine and 2 grandsons, lol).

However, I feel the same in regards to giving it at least a year before I consider that with someone.
My husband I knew 10 years and we had dated for 6 months before we had sex.
My boyfriend I knew 2 years and we were best friends before we had sex.
 
I'm going to quote this whole thing and answer each part, because I don't mind sharing and talking about this topic is nice.

Well, good. I didn't want you to feel shocked or insulted by my questions. I respect you are only 18, and a late bloomer for this day and age.

Personally I do not believe in soul mates and since youre interested in poly, I am surprised to hear you say you do. Maybe you have 15 soul mates in your future?

I'm eighteen, for reference. I actually have a very high libido, as far as playing with myself goes. I masturbate almost every day, and have for the last few years. And I like intimacy with a partner such as hugging and kissing-- I'm very open to physical interaction.

I don't think I have an issue with trust, per se. I grew up well adjusted with a nice family. My parents never talked about sex, so it was a bit of an ethereal concept until I started exploring my own body. The reason I think I prefer to have a long term partner before I consider sex is because I'm incredibly romantic. I loved fairy tales, having a destined soul mate, and was told to wait for the right person before having sex, so the idea of trusting someone heart and soul before trusting them with my body has become important.

Well, seems you'd trust them with your mouth, your boobs, just not your pussy, hm?

I consider sex as a whole to be comprised of a lot of different parts that can all be thought of as sex. I don't claim to define it for anyone else but, to me, sex would be direct contact with another person's genitals, be it with my own genitals or other parts of my body, which I have yet to experience. Things like making out, breast play, touching above the waist are all fine by me.

What if your partner got real aroused from hours of kissing and sucking your tits and started rubbing his cock on your hip or crotch (if he's a guy)? Would dry humping be OK, or would you kick him to the curb? Dry humping with 2 layers of denim between you? Dry humping in underpants? Blue balls and accusations of being a cock tease might be tossed your way if you continued in month after month of making out, tit play and nothing else.

I wouldn't limit my dating to people with low sex drives or who are asexual. I think, once I start engaging in sex, it'd be something I'd take part in with enthusiasm and eagerness, considering my masturbation habits. I like learning about sex in any aspect, even things I probably wouldn't try myself, just because I think it's interesting. I suppose as far as play with other people, I'd be open to anything that didn't involve direct genital contact, which like I said is how I define sex. I probably draw the line at seeing them entirely naked, depending on how committed and involved I am with that person.

I remember when I was 15-16 I was into long makeout sessions, fingering and hand jobs, but no fucking... once I learned more about birth control though, I started in with the fucking. Didn't matter if I was "in love" or just in lust with a cute person, I wanted the whole enchilada.

In short, I'm very sex positive and open to a lot of things. My desire to keep my virginity is a combination of romantic ideals and an apprehension about sharing something as personal as my body with another person. Thanks for the questions, they made me think a bit.

Once again, your mouth and breasts are parts of your body. You just have really high standards for who can touch your genitals. "Mr Right," or "Ms Right" if you're gay or bi.

I mean, I don't fuck on the first date, but I have had sex with "Mr Right Now" while looking for "perfection" in a mate. But I like when a partner gives me orgasms, it's more fun than masturbation.
 
"One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex"

The only reason for this is that one major part of romantic relationships is generally sex. Of course, it doesn't have to be. There's nothing special/different about poly in that regard. My girlfriend and I went more than a year without having sex, while she was married and I was seeing other people, due to issues surrounding her libido in relation to her pregnancy.

Mags has a point, though. If you're in love, and very attracted to someone, and you both are being physically affectionate, touching, kissing, almost certainly turning each other on... do you really think it'll be enough, for you and the other person, to go home and masturbate while thinking about each other, time after time, while never taking the opportunity in front of you in real life even though you both desire it... for *years*?

I can't tell you what's right for you. All I can say is that, for most sexual people, physical intimacy makes them feel loved and bonded, and forming a long-term loving bond in which that form of affection and fulfillment is denied to you for years on the sole basis of the fact that you haven't earned it yet... well, I think you'll have trouble maintaining functional romantic relationships with sexual people, and that'd be true whether you're mono or poly. Fairy tales are for children for a reason -- real life doesn't work the way it does in books. You can still have loads of romance in your life without letting romantic notions dictate your choices.
 
The OP probably just hasn't met anyone they want to fuck, or get naked with, or touch their naughty-bits, etc., YET. When they do meet someone they're wicked hot for, THEN see if they wait 2 or 3 years before they Have Sex.
 
The OP probably just hasn't met anyone they want to fuck, or get naked with, or touch their naughty-bits, etc., YET. When they do meet someone they're wicked hot for, THEN see if they wait 2 or 3 years before they Have Sex.
As an asexual I'd like to add that's if, not when. Some folks just don't feel "the hots", for anybody ever. I'm pretty sure by now I'm one of these, at 39 years and being with a really awesome gal for five years and running, without feeling any inclination to do the "beast with two backs" with her, despite her being easy on the eyes and the best friend and partner I could imagine. ;)

As for the OP... well, I'm not gonna try a wager on whether they're asexual. That's not my place to say at all. Just saying that even with the explanations given, their story sure doesn't sound like something you couldn't have read in the asexual community, word for word. Lots of aces masturbate. Some of them masturbate a lot.

But yes, I still basically agree. If the OP ever comes to feel that way for someone, then I'd find it rather unlikely that such a "wait 2-3 years" plan could work out... and I couldn't relate to why one would consider it necessary to resist the desire if they do feel it.
 
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

The OP has not said they are asexual. They were already asked that by Mags. Please pay attention.

Just because you are asexual doesn't mean everyone who is a virgin is also asexual. Maybe YOU just haven't met anyone who gets you horny YET either.
 
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The OP has not said they are asexual. They were already asked that by Mags. Please pay attention.

Just because you are asexual doesn't mean everyone who is a virgin is also asexual.
I didn't say they were. Neither have they said they weren't. Maybe a bit more attention from your side would be in order. ;)

Maybe YOU just haven't met anyone who gets you horny YET either.
Perfectly possible, just as perfectly possible that maybe you haven't realized YET that you actually don't like sex and just go along with it to blindly fulfill society's expectations. Or you're a zoophile who just haven't found the right goat YET to turn you on in a way no human ever could. etc.pp.

Where's the worth in such speculations?
 
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