Herpes

opalescent

Active member
First of all, let me say I fully support people's need to determine their own level of risk regarding sexual health. That's something I want people to do more of!

There have been a number of threads here where various posters have noted that they would not want to expose themselves or their partners to herpes because of the risks to health.

Seriously, I ask - what risk to health? What risks are one avoiding by not having sex with someone who has herpes?

Unless one is a pregnant (or wants to become pregnant) woman, there is little risk of any serious issues. Herpes - whether I (mouth cold sores) or II (genital lesions) -is a skin disease. It causes the occasional lesion which usually go away eventually. It can be really unpleasant and some people find it painful. But no one has ever died from herpes, unlike HPV, or HIV. No one has ever gone mad from herpes like advanced syphilis. It doesn't cause sterility like gonorhea.

I get there is a significant stigma. Rarely, I develop a cold sore around my mouth- I probably got HSV-1 from my parents or grandparents when I was a child. I don't have genital herpes and would really like to avoid it. So on one level, I get why people don't want to have sex with people with herpes. But I'm not avoiding sex with people with genital herpes because of health risks. I avoid them because I don't want to deal with the stigma of genital herpes - especially because I already have been exposed to HPV and have cold sores.

I do wonder if people who won't have sex with people with known herpes are doing so to avoid the stigma and using health risk as a cover.

I also wonder how people avoid having sex with people who have herpes in some form. More than 50% of adults in the US have HSV-1 - the herpes virus that causes cold sores around the mouth. About 1 in 6 people in the US have genital herpes - HSV-2. And the vast majority of people with HSV-2 have no idea they are infected. Herpes can shed - be infectious - without any symptoms. Lots of people have no idea that cold sores are HSV-1. So when one asks if they have herpes they will say no while saying yes, they have cold sores once in a while. Since herpes is not automatically tested for (at least in the US) even more people say they are 'clean' while not realizing they actually aren't being tested for everything. And because of the stigma, some people just don't tell. I don't agree with this - people should tell potential partners. But I get why they don't.

Here is where I got my stats: http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/std-sti.html.
 
Because I am a woman in reproductive age who has just been pregnant, because I would like to again and because I realised when pregnant that I can't rely on someone else to be aware of their bodies and sometimes people might even ignore warning signs because they are horny and put me at risk!

I am taking control here by not sleeping with them...sucks for people with cold sores yes. I feel sorry for any person given it as a child by a selfish, ignorant or self centred person who didn't realise they shouldn't kiss someone with a weeping sore on their face but I won't put myself at risk and personally I enjoy kissing my children whenever I want to. I don't want to give them anything.

It is too big a risk for me.
 
I don't want to be a sexual pariah because I've knowingly been exposed to it. Regardless of the lack of real health issues people dont want to have painful sores on their genitalia. My friend has had an outbreak so bad she couldn't comfortably sit. After she got herpes she couldn't find a boyfriend well over a year. I don't want to be in that position. I also dont want to have to take medications everyday to prevent outbreaks. They really should create a condom that covers all of the genitalia not just the penis
 
Natja you can get HSV1 by sharing eating utensils, a cup, a washcloth in the bathroom, sharing our confusing lip balm.

As a mother of three i can say a toddler or child can take drink of your drink or eat off your plate lightening fast. Even when you don't think they can reach it.
 
Thank you for telling me but that just makes me even more determined not to get it. It would just inhibit my life too much :(

I apologise for saying that an adult who gave it to a child did it because they were ignorant or selfish.
 
Your kids can pick it up out in public too.

Playing with friends. At school. All it takes is a touch. Kids share food, school supplies...

Can't keep them in a bubble
 
I know that but they won't get it from me! That which is within my control...and all that.
 
We have a friend with an extreme case of excema. The poor guy avoids dairy, soy and gluten and his skin is still like red sandpaper. He and his partner must make sure of the HSV status of any lovers they have, since he could be in serious trouble if he contracted herpes. He has been told it could kill him. As it is, he is a "stone" Dom, doesn't kiss or hug, uses toys for kink and sex, but they still have a strict no herpes rule. He is also allergic to the anti-virals, so wouldnt be able to reduce the severity of an outbreak.


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Gah. My bf is dating someone with HSV1. I hope he is lucky and she never passes it to him because of asymptomatic shedding.
 
What annoys me are people who discriminate and perpetuate stigma against people with a positive status but sleep with people who dont know or dont or can't know their own.
 
Given the statistics, especially with the number of people who have it and don't know, and given how unreliable the blood test is, I just presume everyone I meet has both strains. The more people I kiss, the more people I sleep with, the greater the risk. Period.

I might actually be less likely to contract it from someone who knows they have it, if they're on a suppressant medication, than from someone who mistakenly believes they don't have it.

I've been lucky so far. Never a cold sore, never an outbreak, never a positive test result. That doesn't mean I don't have it. Either I don't have it, or I have it but am asympomatic. Yay! But if I have any new partners, then I'm putting my name back in the lottery. It's a risk of having an active sex life, and not one that can be easily mitigated, except through monogamy (or polyfidelity, I suppose).
 
We have a friend with an extreme case of excema. The poor guy avoids dairy, soy and gluten and his skin is still like red sandpaper. He and his partner must make sure of the HSV status of any lovers they have, since he could be in serious trouble if he contracted herpes. He has been told it could kill him. As it is, he is a "stone" Dom, doesn't kiss or hug, uses toys for kink and sex, but they still have a strict no herpes rule. He is also allergic to the anti-virals, so wouldnt be able to reduce the severity of an outbreak.


...

Gah. My bf is dating someone with HSV1. I hope he is lucky and she never passes it to him because of asymptomatic shedding.

Mag.. pnutt developed extreme eczema when he was 6 months old. And a young child can't stop themselves from scratching so he'd do it so bad he'd be bleeding. After years of removing foods from diet I took him to an allergist. Discovered his biggest allergy is tree pollens, mostly alder trees. They were all over where we use to live. Next was grass, then cats and just slightly to dogs but zero foods. And these allergies are inherited from the mother. By the time we moved here he was on 4 zyrtec a day at the age of 5. Within two weeks no more pills and his skin is healed. Two in a half years later his skin is soft and beautiful.

Beauty had eczema too and there is an ointment made in South Korea which "cured" hers for 5 cents a tube but it caused mild hearing loss in her right ear. Its not fda approved and was given to us by a friend.

So I asked the allergist what I could do to prevent it since I was pregnant with princess at the time of allergy testing and eating more probiotics would help. Princess has zero eczema. Not sure if eating habits during pregnancy actually helped or due to the move prevented it from developing.

The point of my story-sorry OP for going off topic-is your friend my have different allergies that are continuing him to have eczema.
 
You can get the flu from all these things too. You get the flu, you get over it, you're healthy again. Not like herpes.

That doesn't mean I kiss people when I know they have the flu. That doesn't mean I go to work and spread flu germs all over because let's face it, most people are going to get it anyway.

It's called "minimizing risk." You can never make yourself 100% safe and protected from everything. That doesn't mean you go around the world being completely careless, ignoring visible dangers just because sooner or later we're all going to die.

I hear stories like that, girls who can't sit down because of bad infections. I hear about my bff's sister, who had an outbreak when her kid was born, and the kid nearly died, and will live the rest of her life with a compromised immune system. Why should I take chances with my own health just so other people can feel better about their disease? Not my problem.

Discrimination would be refusing to hire someone who has herpes, or refusing to provide them with medical treatment, or refusing to let them use public washrooms or shop in my store. My body is not a public service, and discrimination rules don't apply.

The very fact that so many people treat it as something that you're bound to contract sooner or later is exactly the reason that it's spread so readily. If more people with herpes would fess up and avoid sex with non-infected partners, it wouldn't spread so much. Just like if people with the flu would stay home from work, the disease vectors would be significantly reduced.
 
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My twenty nine year old healthy cousin died of flu two years ago.
 
You can get the flu from all these things too. You get the flu, you get over it, you're healthy again. Not like herpes.

That doesn't mean I kiss people when I know they have the flu. That doesn't mean I go to work and spread flu germs all over because let's face it, most people are going to get it anyway.

It's called "minimizing risk." You can never make yourself 100% safe and protected from everything. That doesn't mean you go around the world being completely careless, ignoring visible dangers just because sooner or later we're all going to die.

I hear stories like that, girls who can't sit down because of bad infections. I hear about my bff's sister, who had an outbreak when her kid was born, and the kid nearly died, and will live the rest of her life with a compromised immune system. Why should I take chances with my own health just so other people can feel better about their disease? Not my problem.

Discrimination would be refusing to hire someone who has herpes, or refusing to provide them with medical treatment, or refusing to let them use public washrooms or shop in my store. My body is not a public service, and discrimination rules don't apply.

The very fact that so many people treat it as something that you're bound to contract sooner or later is exactly the reason that it's spread so readily. If more people with herpes would fess up and avoid sex with non-infected partners, it wouldn't spread so much. Just like if people with the flu would stay home from work, the disease vectors would be significantly reduced.
"keep those filthy diseases away from us clean folk. Ewe."
 
I might actually be less likely to contract it from someone who knows they have it, if they're on a suppressant medication, than from someone who mistakenly believes they don't have it.

Very true. It's something the doctor commented on regarding our situation. I've had it since I was a teen. Neither Maca or GG have gotten it, in 20 years of unprotected sex. But I do take medication and I do pay attention to my body. If something even feels sensitive-sex is off the table.
It's not a guarantee-but it is helpful for people to be conscious.
I don't share towels, washcloths, dishes or clothing. I personally wash what I use immediately so that it's not laying around for someone to grab. When I do have sex, we shower, hot soap and water, immediately afterward. We have made that part of the "routine" of our romance.

I have another friend who was married for 12 years and his wife had herpes-he never contracted it.

On the other hand I can't count the number of people who I have encountered who were "SURE they were clean" and when we INSISTED that they do the full spectrum of testing-they found out that in fact they have herpes and never knew it.
I also have several friends who know that they have it, but haven't had symptoms in upwards of 20 years.

It's a tricky one.
 
The very fact that so many people treat it as something that you're bound to contract sooner or later is exactly the reason that it's spread so readily. If more people with herpes would fess up and avoid sex with non-infected partners, it wouldn't spread so much. Just like if people with the flu would stay home from work, the disease vectors would be significantly reduced.

I also agree (actually I liked the whole post but I don't want to annoy the world by reposting every word).

There is no reason why it needs to be spread.

But-education is key.
Unfortunately-too many mistakenly believe that they are taking all of the possible precautions-while actually having relations with people who HAVE IT and don't know it.
Of everyone I personally know who has it-I am one of TWO who KNEW there was a problem and went in for it. The others found out after having been under the impression they had no std's-but being pressured into testing anyway. They had all been sexually active for unknown periods of time with multiple partners while they had it-and no ability to assess where they got it or from whom.
Furthermore: most of them did not go back and tell prior partners.
 
"keep those filthy diseases away from us clean folk. Ewe."

I liked the whole post but I don't want to annoy the world by reposting every word

I'm just going to point out the irony that the person who is supposedly not infected is taking it upon herself to be offended on behalf of the entire infected population, whereas the person who is open about being infected is admiring my post. Clearly, london, you don't speak for all people with herpes. They are fully capable of speaking up for themselves, and indeed many do. They don't need you to be their crusader, treating them like incapable and impotent minorities who need some chick in the UK to fight their battles. If you've got so much energy for activism, surely you can find a more disempowered group to fight for.

"Stigma" means that one believes certain people to be inferior human beings on account of one factor, such as a disease. Nowhere in any of my posts have I implied that people with herpes are inferior or in any way "filthy." No sense getting offended by the words you're putting in my mouth. The Straw Man is one of the oldest fallacies in the book.

It's true that people with herpes are, in general, stigmatized. But that doesn't mean choosing not to have sex with someone with herpes is itself an act of stigmatization.
 
Everyone knows that implying someone with a disease is dirty is offensive and adds to stigma. Sorry if that escaped you. You can say positive or negative and still ensure your prejudices are clear.
 
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