My space

Derbylicious

New member
I'm having trouble around my space and feeling comfortable in it. My husband's girlfriend had a pretty shitty night on Friday and didn't want to be alone on Saturday and so I told my husband that it would be fine to invite her along to RP's show on Saturday night and I didn't mind her staying over in the guest room afterwards. The issue was that she was still there the next morning and I can't relax with her around because I don't know her well enough and I don't want to step on any toes regarding the relationship between her and my husband. I wasn't going to be in my house much that day due to other commitments and I felt really put out that I couldn't just spend the morning having my usual lazy Sunday morning.

I don't know how to ask someone to leave nicely without it seeming offensive. I really didn't mind her staying over but I did want my house and life back in the morning. I want to be able to be relaxed in my own house and it's only by nature of their relationship that I'm not. I feel like I have to be on my best behaviour all the time when she's in my house. I also don't get why I feel so differently about her staying over than I do anyone else. We have other friends stay over and either they hang out in the morning or they don't and it's no big deal either way. All I can think is that I feel muzzled when it comes to her and that I almost can't say anything about wanting my space back when I want it back whereas I have no trouble at all with letting other friends know that it's time for them to go home.
 
I think this would be best served by sitting with your hubby and just telling him exactly what you wrote. Then the responsibility is on him to establish that guideline with his girlfriend. The thing is, you shouldn't have the responsibility to ask her to leave, but you do have the responsibility to let your hubby know how you feel. AND....and this is a big AND, you should not feel guilty, childish, controlling or insecure in asking this. Got it? Don't make me hypothetically smack your ass :eek:
 
Next time I'm just sending the both of them out for breakfast with the kids I think :D. Problem solved, I'll have my house back AND I'll be able to get things done!
 
AND you'll have a precious couple of hours of QUIET time!
 
I think this would be best served by sitting with your hubby and just telling him exactly what you wrote. Then the responsibility is on him to establish that guideline with his girlfriend. The thing is, you shouldn't have the responsibility to ask her to leave, but you do have the responsibility to let your hubby know how you feel. AND....and this is a big AND, you should not feel guilty, childish, controlling or insecure in asking this. Got it? Don't make me hypothetically smack your ass :eek:

What Mono said, but it seems like you came up with a good solution too!! LOL In all seriousness, what Mono said was on point. It's not your responsibility to ask her to leave in the morning, but if you're having these thoughts then you need to communicate them to hubby. It's his job to set the boundaries that the gf has in YOUR home.

My wife had much the same feelings at the beginning and it took lots of me reinforcing that she ALWAYS came first. Especially at the beginning of a new relationship with someone. There couldn't be a question about that otherwise the lifestyle would never have worked. The core relationship has to be completely intact before you can branch out.

Open lines of communication are something that I preach because they're so important to making this work. When I say open, I mean completely open. There should be NOTHING that you keep from your SIGNIFICANT other. There's a reason they're considered significant. :)
 
My wife had much the same feelings at the beginning and it took lots of me reinforcing that she ALWAYS came first. Especially at the beginning of a new relationship with someone. There couldn't be a question about that otherwise the lifestyle would never have worked. The core relationship has to be completely intact before you can branch out.

I just want to be really clear that this isn't a reflection of me feeling insecure in my relationship with my husband. I have spoken to him already about it. Now we're just working on solutions. The only issue is needing to feel relaxed in my house. I'm sure that one day I'll be completely comfortable having her there but she's only been in my house when I've been home 4 times. And I think I've only seen her twice in person outside of that. It's got more to do with my relationship as a metamour with her than it does with anything to do with their relationship.
 
it's funny how metamour relationships seem to feel so much more intimidating/tense/scary/awkward/"insert word for your experience here" more than just random friends/coworkers/etc. I hope that you and her can find a rhythm that feels comfortable and relaxed. It's sounds like you and your husband will work something out so everyone's happy. :) I know negotiating certain boundaries governing the interactions of myself and my metamour have been bumbly. The other night, I was in the car with O and A and I was leaving, so I gave O a hug and then there was an awkward pause and O said, You know, you can hug A too. And I was like, I can? (I'm not sure why i was so incredulous).
 
These two lines are what concerns me in your post...

I agree Red, and that's what I was referring to in my post Derby. If you feel uncomfortable, then you have to let your husband know this and it should be up to him to help alleviate that. It can be a very tricky situation, but you should never feel like the outsider in your own home.

Seems like you and your husband have good communication so I'm sure you guys will be able to figure this out. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!
 
Here's what I'm seeing:

Your metamour had an unplanned-for need/desire (to not be alone) and asked for what she needed. Poly-points to her for knowing what she wants and asking for it. (Not that we're keeping score; just go with me here.)

You heard her and worked with your husband to meet her need on the fly. Poly-points to both of you, plus bonus points for flexibility and graciousness, and bonus bonus points for offering the guest room.

Everyone's needs are met and all is cool in the land of poly until her need for company (now satisfied) bumps into your need for privacy. It seems to me you simply found the outer edge of your ability to accommodate her need, and need to get comfortable expressing that to her. When you know her better, your comfort level around this kind of situation will improve. Until that happens, I hope your husband will help bridge the gap.
 
We did talk and came to the conclusion that I have to be really clear about exactly what the invitation into my time/space entails. As for being on my best behaviour, I kind of do have to be for the time being. It's pretty much like being around any new partner of a friend. You want to give them a good impression and make them comfortable (or at least I do). The stakes are higher being that it's my husband. I would really hate to think when they are talking alone that she wonders what on earth he could possibly see in me.

Last night I danced around the kitchen like a doofus. It was fun and made the kids laugh but that's the kind of thing I'm not comfortable doing around her yet. I know that my husband knows her well and is really comfortable with her but I'm not in that place yet.
 
Dancing around the kitchen sounds really fun. I completely understand what you are saying about comfort levels. It's a gradual thing but, hopefully, it'll all work out for the best. I look forward to keeping up with your journey.
 
I just want to thank everyone for a great thread. Now that I've gone from girlfriend to metamour in my poly triad relationship, I'm sure we will encounter this and much more.
 
What attachment do you have to her talking to him about what he sees in you? This seems like another concern no? I just would hate to see you get stuck in a cat and mouse chase around making sure she likes you and doing stuff for them that you think will make her like you or show them you are something you aren't.

Everything you feel and perseverate on is completely valid and rational. I am wondering if there is more to this as I know how much you push yourself for other peoples comfort. Sometimes it seems beyond your own comfort.
 
It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time. I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.

Maybe I worry about the "what do you see in her?" talk because I sometimes feel that way about her too. I don't get her for the most part. In some ways she's very different from me. She seems to be quite needy and fragile in a way. I'm well...not.

On the needy and fragile note I have a fear that when my husband is away again that she's going to come to me for support when she's feeling needy. I don't know that I can (or want) to be someone she relies on for support. I can take care of myself and the kids but any more than that I might crack. We've had friends before that we were the main support to and it got very very wearing. I don't mind being friends and hanging out once in a while for coffee or to make dinner together but what I don't want is for her to show up (or even to ask to show up) whenever her other partner is otherwise occupied. I have a bad habit of being the caretaker with people and she seems like someone who needs a lot of care given to her.

Wow I think there's a lot more going on here than I originally thought there was. This is a boundary issue. I'm not in a place where I want to be in anything more than a superficial friendship with her. I think that I need to find a way to make that clear to her without making it sound like it has anything to do with her relationship with my husband (because it really doesn't). Pretty much whatever they have with each other is fine by me until it starts putting pressure on me to be and do more than *I* want to.
 
It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time. I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.
so what are you going to do about changing this, or are you okay with it?

On the needy and fragile note I have a fear that when my husband is away again that she's going to come to me for support when she's feeling needy. I don't know that I can (or want) to be someone she relies on for support. I can take care of myself and the kids but any more than that I might crack. We've had friends before that we were the main support to and it got very very wearing. I don't mind being friends and hanging out once in a while for coffee or to make dinner together but what I don't want is for her to show up (or even to ask to show up) whenever her other partner is otherwise occupied. I have a bad habit of being the caretaker with people and she seems like someone who needs a lot of care given to her......Wow I think there's a lot more going on here than I originally thought there was. This is a boundary issue. I'm not in a place where I want to be in anything more than a superficial friendship with her. I think that I need to find a way to make that clear to her without making it sound like it has anything to do with her relationship with my husband (because it really doesn't). Pretty much whatever they have with each other is fine by me until it starts putting pressure on me to be and do more than *I* want to. .
Soooo, why do you have to support her? I don't get it, she hasn't asked you to, you don't want to, you have a full plate already, it seems that if she encroaches you can just not be available. She has other partners to talk to, I'm not sure talking to you is the best idea anyways... I don't talk to your husband about you, other than to support you in something... maybe this is a worry that is not really based in reality yet... so therefore, you could just decide to let it go until there is a reason to worry?
 
I totally understand wanting your own house back. It's like having out of town company - after a few days, it gets old and they need to leave. I read your comment about being on your best behavior and imagined you playing the gracious hostess - which is hard to sustain for long periods of time. Some guests can tell when it's time to go, some need a little help. Tell hubby and let him be your help for this.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of sending them out to breakfast with the kids. So funny!!!
 
so what are you going to do about changing this, or are you okay with it??

Well I think that the first step is recognizing that this is the self talk that I have with myself and then I can interrupt it when it starts to happen. It's kind of a weird throw back to a younger me who really cared a whole bunch what people thought of her. I thought that I had moved past that but apparently there are still some situations where I'm really self concious. I'm not sure what the step is after interrupting the negative self talk. I'm not too sure what to replace it with, I'll work on it.

Soooo, why do you have to support her? I don't get it, she hasn't asked you to, you don't want to, you have a full plate already, it seems that if she encroaches you can just not be available. She has other partners to talk to, I'm not sure talking to you is the best idea anyways... I don't talk to your husband about you, other than to support you in something... maybe this is a worry that is not really based in reality yet... so therefore, you could just decide to let it go until there is a reason to worry?

I think that you're right. This is something that I have to let go of since it's not a reality at all but rather a worse case scenario. Since I already know that being her support would be too much for me I think I can work on making sure that I respect my own boundaries. Something for future Derby to worry about though :D;)
 
You want to give them a good impression and make them comfortable (or at least I do). The stakes are higher being that it's my husband. I would really hate to think when they are talking alone that she wonders what on earth he could possibly see in me.

Last night I danced around the kitchen like a doofus. It was fun and made the kids laugh but that's the kind of thing I'm not comfortable doing around her yet. I know that my husband knows her well and is really comfortable with her but I'm not in that place yet.

I totaly get this. It was part of why I called a stop to Cricket staying the night every weekend. I felt like I was losing my house, my husband and myself. I have my routines, and I need them. When someone is here,especialy someone I'm not comfortable with, I can't be myself and follow my routines so my whole me is thrown off.

I'm glad you guys talked about it and I hope you find a way to work through the new worries that were brought up.
 
It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time.
This is so very much the way I used to be. It took me a very long time to come to terms with, and finally to embrace, the fact that in many ways I am just different than other people. I used to think I was a total weirdo. I still think so, but now I know that weird is just different, and different is good. And besides, I didn't create myself, God did. He did such an awesome job on his other work, I've gotta figure I wasn't his first major screw-up.

I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.
Me too, and my sweet Fidelio WAY more than me. We say "better silly than boring!"
 
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