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  #1  
Old 08-02-2017, 08:42 PM
workingthingsout workingthingsout is offline
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Default Breakup might be happening, need advice

(I'm really sorry moderators that have to approve this, I need to go to bed soon and I want to talk with my boyfriend but still need advice real soon, which is why I'm reposting. Normally I would respect the rules but I'm really scared and in need of help.)

Hi everyone.

I am in need of advice as my boyfriend (A) wants to break up but continue with our secondary (B), even though I feel he's not right for him.

Basically my situation is as follows:

I started.. realizing stuff. On monday I started thinking about it and us, as I started realizing what was wrong. At the time I wanted to talk to him, but he was going out with his friends (on my request because I asked a friend of his if he could take him out for a nice day out, because I knew A was stressed and felt like he neglected his friends because he hasn't been hanging around as much and couldn't go on a vacation with them.)

I always gave him everything he wanted and I never got anything in return. He's been taking me for granted and I allowed him to do so because I want to please him no matter what because I loved him.

I have confronted him about this tuesday, and.. he agreed. But he said he had thoughts on it. We eventually had a bit of laughs watching TV, went out to the supermarket to buy food and had a playful session. Everything seemed fine.

Fast forward to today. I have come out of work, something felt off all day, even if tuesday's talk was okay. I cycled to my therapist as my first session was today, and while using my navigation app to get there, I get a text from A. He said he knew we could work out, but wasn't sure if it was better for us both. He also said it wasn't wise to stay with him because he said he couldn't give me what I want, and he's afraid of hurting me by trying to get me to do drugs and stuff. He also said the reason he didn't do any stuff from the list is that he doesn't really want to anymore for a long time now. Same thing why he doesn't do romantic and nice things at random for me anymore. (Even though I requested that a long time ago.) While I can understand his views on this, I don't want to necessarily end all this, because like I said, we have both made mistakes, and know what to do to work on it.

Now.. I kind of understand why. I think it's mainly to do with B. B has been an active disruptor in our relationship and he always managed to get inbetween us. (Smoothly, I might add.) B is a fun guy, does drugs, likes to party, social..

While I on the other hand, while still somewhat.. empty from all the love I've given to never receive anything in return, and also filled with anxiety and OCD.. am serious and commited, kind, ready whenever and always wants to help with his passions, be it music or climbing.

Now here's the thing:

I cannot stop A from breaking up with me. Frankly, I want to kind of continue with him myself, still but.. I am more concerned about A and B.

B is.. a bad influence. I don't think they'll work out. B has been doing drugs, and has convinced A to do them to the point where he's tried so many and frequently, and I think that's also what's keeping him fat and unproductive with his passions as he wants to write music. B is also not good with money. He actually spend it on a new gaming PC, and chair, barely not going red and A having to pay for B's rent. Now he's also ordered flying tickets and event tickets, also still barely paying rent, while on a part-time job his dad got him. (His dad was a hiring manager at a big clothes store, I think.) He doesn't do anything to improve himself unless A asks him to. He's also lying all the time to cover up for himself. Apparently he lied to his parents about dropping out of college.

Now I, am kind of the opposite of this. I try to tell the truth no matter what and stay commited and try to help A off the drugs and stay productive. Anyway..

I really need some advice as I just want to protect A from B harming him. I know they won't work out. I am going to talk with him very soon but I need some serious advice on how I handle this. What do I tell A? Do I tell A B is going to be a bad influence? I am scared because I don't want him to choose, but I feel like if he doesn't he might just break up and then it'd be a waste because we couldn't continue together.

Not to mention if he leaves, I have to also make the choice to either go back to my homeland in Holland or stay in England (where I may not really have anyone or have many chances of careers.) But if I go back to Holland, moving back might not be so simple..

Thank you in advance to those who took the time to read this and respond!
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  #2  
Old 08-03-2017, 01:11 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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You might not like hearing this, but it isn't really any of your business if someone is a bad influence on someone else. Unless you're dealing with your child, of course.

A is an adult. He can make his own decisions about who he does or doesn't spend time with. If you're concerned about how B might treat A, you can express that, but it's still ultimately his decision. To be honest, if someone came to me and said they thought someone I was interested in would be a bad influence, I would be *more* likely to pursue something with the other person. And I would think the person who brought up the issue was just trying to cause trouble, or trying to make me choose.

I understand why you're worried, and I understand that you want to help A. It sounds like you're trying to help him with staying off drugs, and B might interfere with that. But just as it's up to A who he spends time with, it's also ultimately up to him whether he stays off drugs or uses them. If he isn't willing to stay off them, no one can force him to.

You're in a difficult situation, and I hope it works out for the best for you.
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Old 08-03-2017, 01:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are struggling. I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear

Honestly? I think you could be ok breaking up with A. It doesn't sound like a great relationship or like A is a good influence on you. You sound stressed being here.
  • You haven't met new people in England. Just made everything be about A.
  • You always give A everything he wanted. You never got anything in return.
  • As a result, you feel empty from all the love you've given to never receive anything in return
  • A takes you for granted. You allowed him to do so because you want to please him no matter what (even to your own detriment/hurt)
  • A tries to get you to do drugs
  • A hangs around B (who sounds like a big mess)
  • A doesn't want to be in a relationship with you
  • A says he cannot give you what you want
  • You are filled with anxiety and OCD.

When someone tells/shows you who they are? You could LISTEN. A doesn't sound like a good match for you. I suggest you be break up with A and stop dragging it out.

Quote:
I am serious and committed, kind, ready whenever and always wants to help with his passions, be it music or climbing.
You help and commitment is not wanted. So why do you remain serious, committed, and "on call" for A? I think that adds to your stress/anxiety.

After you break up with A, if A wants to continue with B? That's A's concern, not yours. He's an adult and he can chooses what company he keeps. You don't have to "rescue" A stuff or "fix" things for him. Maybe he just needs to learn things the hard way. But it is his thing to learn, not yours.

You have other concerns to deal with -- like picking the company YOU keep. Like staying in England or moving to Holland.

Deal with your stuff and your concerns. Let A deal with his stuff and his concerns. That would be my suggestion.

I'm sorry you deal in this. I hope you feel better over time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-03-2017 at 01:36 AM.
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  #4  
Old 08-03-2017, 05:32 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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I feel your hurt.

I think it's hard when we love someone but are forced to stand by and watch them destroy themselves. Naturally, we want what's best for those we love and our instinct is to step in. I think we do this because we grew up learning (from our parents) that love means telling your children how to do things right. We then copy that dynamic to our adult love life and find ourselves surprised that telling someone else how to do things doesn't work.

I think when the help we offer is not appreciated, it tends to make others feel emotionally negative towards us. The other person may feel you are being parental towards them. They may feel you think you are better than they are or that you believe you can make a better choice for them than they can make themselves - essentially, they see you as thinking yourself better than them. Those type of thoughts don't tend to sit well with people.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If the person you love and care about is being influenced negatively by someone they have strong love-feelings for, there's probably very little you can do. My advice would be to look after yourself first because there's little you can do for him besides a few words, which it sounds like you've already done.

With sympathy,
Shaya
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  #5  
Old 08-03-2017, 11:13 AM
workingthingsout workingthingsout is offline
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Thank you all for the kind replies, and thoughtful replies. I am currently at work still thinking things through, and as I seem to start understanding is that.. even if I may not like it, breaking up seems like the more rational option, as I really shouldn't have been with them for so long, and A honestly never seemed to improve himself for me when I stated my needs. Also, I kind of agree but still have to think about it, that saying he's a bad influence is a bad idea. It makes me look bad as well and honestly, I'm already glad we'll keep on being friends. He also said he will support me throughout it.

On that note, does anybody have breakup advice? It's my first time breaking up and honestly, I'm kind of scared I might end screwing up and then him ending communication completely and not be friends with him anymore. I know it's best to avoid each other or a month, but that's hard to do if you live together.

Also on how to cope with the breakup in the coming time?

Yet again thank you to all people who gave me advice. You are all wonderful people.
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  #6  
Old 08-03-2017, 10:41 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi workingthingsout,

I think you should just say to A, "I'm worried about B being a bad influence, please be careful." I wouldn't say much more than that. The more you say, the more A is likely to resist. You don't want that. The best you can do is express simple concern and leave it at that.

If A leaves you, I would suggest that you move back to Holland. You've spent a lot of time taking care of A; now spend some time taking care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 08-12-2017, 12:00 PM
workingthingsout workingthingsout is offline
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Thank you all for your kind replies. We have recently broken up and I'm just gonna focus on myself for the time being. Thank you very much for all the help, and for being such wonderful people.
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Old 08-12-2017, 02:36 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by workingthingsout View Post
I always gave him everything he wanted and I never got anything in return. He's been taking me for granted and I allowed him to do so because I want to please him no matter what because I loved him.
As you go forward, be sure to reflect on this part of your relationship. Now is the time for you to learn from this and evolve into someone who doesn't equate love with perennially pleasing the other person. This is something great to work on with your therapist so that you don't repeat this pattern with the next person. Every relationship is an opportunity to get better at enjoying the beautiful experience that is love.
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  #9  
Old 08-12-2017, 04:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I hope the break up went as peacefully as possible and that your healing time is restorative. Sometimes focussing on yourself is what is needed.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #10  
Old 08-13-2017, 01:16 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi workingthingsout, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, even if it was for the best. Hang in there, and let us know how things are going in the future.
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