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I thought I was done with this fucking fucking to pieces.

I lied. To myself and pretty much everyone I had talked to. I haven't given up hope for getting back with him. The one way I think I could is to not be in love with him and I don't know how to stop loving him.

I doubt any intelligent people believed you had given up. Nobody here believes you ever wanted to, I suspect. Of course not being able to have him likely makes your wanting him that much more intense. Like most people in love, the wanting of something is more important than knowing whether or not it's a good idea to actually get it.
 
Right. And all of this bullshit going on (not just relationship with Seven wise) has me feeling like I have nothing.

Oh wait, that's not true. I have a person who despite saying he loved me was unable to act in a way to be able to be with me (and despite saying he wants me back keeps letting other things come up that means the three of us can't talk). I have a man-child who needs a mother more than a wife and doesn't know how to be there for anyone emotionally. I have a mother who thinks the best way to spend her time is to berate me on everything I do with my life because if I don't do it exactly like her I'm an idiot. I have a job where I don't make enough to pay my bills and have to be on constant guard to not be attacked or have my shit stolen from the people I support.
 
Darling you need to GTFO of there and away from Seven.
 
Started having a talk with Woodsmith regarding the lack of sex in our life. I had to restate that his abandonment of me emotionally during my depression made me not rant to be with him and next explain that I feel more like a mother than a spouse and that just icks me out to the sex idea.

Then he got pissy about the fact we don't have kink in our relationship and he wants to be able to play. I tried to explain that with him I get nothing out of play. It doesn't turn me on or give me any pleasure.

So we need to continue. I do want passion back but there needs to be terms. I won't have kink with him. I'd rather count ceiling tiles than play because it does nothing for me. He can have it elsewhere if it's important but I can't consent to something that brings me nothing. Also for us to get back to sex he needs to grow up. Do his dishes at least to the point there's no food to dry on them. Keep a calendar so he knows when he had things to do rather than not showing up or being late because he forgot. Take a shower daily because he gets really bad body post and generally goes two days or more between one. Take care of his health. I can offer advice and support (like while getting past the main addiction to smoking don't put yourself in places where you'll be tempted and set up doctors appointments) but he needs to do the work without needing constant reminders. And last, if we have to be somewhere don't stay in bed till 5 min before we need to leave, get up at least a half hour before we need to leave.


If he can't agree to those I'm fine never having sex with him again. I don't really care.
 
Unfortunately when men get into a life partnership they suddenly seem to lose the ability to do certain things for themselves...lol

Murf went 38 yes without me in his life. He managed just fine. Bought a house, made successful investments, bought cars, made appts for himself, made other important decisions. When our relationship changed over time he has turned to me to help with or handle important life decision-making choices.

Be it reading benefit information sent home from work and helping make choices. Helping negotiate buying his new truck. Making appointments for him. Calling around for information for him. I cook and make sure he has homecooked meals for when we are apart. I clean his house.

All the things I do for Butch who pointed out "hey Dag you have 2 husbands" He is right.

It used to bug me, especially with Butch, but came to realize it is their way of needing me and trusting me with their well-being.
 
The thing is, he knows that it pisses me off. This isn't a conversation we've had once. Or twice. But multiple times. And each time I've made it clear that as long as he expects to treat me as a mother and not do jack shit (even when asked) I'll treat him like a son and not have sex with him.

Update on Seven. He and Lamian are apparently going to be doing couple's therapy. It was one of his requirements with the latest drama the two of them had. One of the things that he is going to be bringing up is his and mine relationship. If/how it would be able to work and then what boundaries are and everything.

Even if what comes out of it is that there isn't a way for him and I to be back together I'm glad they are doing this. After nearly 3 years of fighting and both of their worries that the other has no need for them or are going in a completely different life track, they need this.
 
Seven had sent a message apologizing after showing me fire cups (I got upset) supplier he had found. He then continued with mentioning he and Lamian would be starting therapy in November but he didn't know how long it would be to know if we'd be able to get back together and with the promotion he's up for in his work he'd either be getting transferred or working 12 hour days 4 days a week and each weekend. My reply is as follows.

"Thank you for letting me know that. With that, with Woodsmith and I looking for a new place (which would make having actual time with you even more important if we were together), and with how much I'm not healing right now I think even though it may hurt (both of us potentially) that I need to completely let you go.

Know that I don't want to. But there's too much that is coming down now that would leave me feeling unwanted, unfulfilled in our relationship. And I can't keep myself stagnant for something that isn't going to leave me happy. I know how much agreeing to switch our day from Sunday to a weekday ended up really messing with my head. I know that I need to have the ability to have a full day/night with someone at least once a week that I'm in a relationship with (part of why I realized that I really can't have more than two relationships). I need that connection. Since that isn't going to be something that we'd be able to have I need to let you go. And I guess that would mean I need you to let me go also.

I do love you and care about you and all those emotions I feel towards you I'm going to work on channeling them back into our friendship.

I will miss our relationship. But if you are unable to be there for what I need then being with you again still will result in me having such a huge amount of sorrow and feelings of being lost.

I need you to know and understand that once I feel like I've healed enough and start going to kink events again it's not because I'm trying to replace you, but because I need to have something that won't leave me distraught (and even if you stay working what you will probably would).

I do wish that we could have one more night together. Mostly for closure because it's something that I've never had when a relationship has ended and that ability to say goodbye to the relationship not just with words but with bodies I've wanted. But I know that's next to impossible to have. I just wanted to share it I guess."

So I guess that's the final chapter on our relationship. Now to return to having him as my best friend.
 
I try to do something to make things easier and all it is still doing is leaving me a broken wreck. I wish I knew how to stop myself from falling apart.
 
I try to do something to make things easier and all it is still doing is leaving me a broken wreck. I wish I knew how to stop myself from falling apart.

Separation from the source of your problems, and taking time to get over it. No magic bullet though, you've got to stay away from him for a while.
 
Latest rant...

Sometimes I wish I knew how to hate.

When my need kept being pushed aside and neglected (even when others didn't take use of it being given up or when it was made very clear how much I needed it) I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for either believing I was clear in what I needed or for expecting that I was worthy of having it fulfilled.

When it ended I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for believing I was important. Ever.

When I found out how much I was used to harm others I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for trusting I was getting all the information I needed to make decisions that wouldn't hurt people.

When the words "being led on"were used I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for ever letting hope come back.

When I found out there never was a point to having hope I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself enough to not even think about talking about what could possibly let me have a final need or want taken care of and just make a decision that I knew would leave me broken.

And now? I still can hate. Myself enough that since I'm not strong enough to just let that final decision stop everything that it's time to make myself believe there couldn't have ever been love or care or want. Because I'm worthless. Because I'm unneeded and unwanted. Because I need to believe that there's something wrong with me. Because I love and care and want too much to hate.

So I guess my wish is fulfilled. I do know how to hate
 
Feeling the most at ease I have since the break up. I can think of him and us not only without falling to pieces but also with joy and pleasure at the happiness we shared.

Sent out olive branch to both of them on reestablishing our friendships. Looking for individual friend dates with each of them and one with both.

Probably going to wait on dating until moved out. I don't knew where he is in healing and it seems rude to either bring a date home or be gone from home for one without knowing if he could cope. Woodsmith and I are looking so I'm less concerned with that stall than I would be if there wasn't a set plan to leave.
 
Ugh. So since I told him I was done and we both had to move on, let go, and get our friendship back (10 days now) Seven has been in such a foul mood. If Lamian isn't home by the time I return from the zoo I'm calling him out on it.
 
So there's a part of me that is actually contemplating going to a kink Halloween party on Friday. I'll make a decision that day because I know a part of it is that I'm pissed at how Seven is acting that I'm thinking of doing something that may hurt him.

Anyways, the reason I came here. To share something I wrote on a FB poly discussion group I'm a member of.

I need to do a rant myself. And maybe someone will have advice as to what to do from it. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for if any.

The end of August my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. Our relationship and it's development (including power exchange) was apparently causing fights between him and his wife. Needless to say neither of us wanted the break up and during check ins to see how each of us were doing there was continuous conversation about the two of us getting back together once they figured out their shit. Plus living together makes things hard

He finally makes a comment that he doesn't know how long it would take for her to be comfortable and that he's up for a work promotion sometime after the start of the year that would have him working every weekend. The biggest need that I kept mentioning was a need for time. I've learned that I don't like casual relationships and for me a serious relationship needs a full day open and available for it (so for me, as long as I work I get polysaturated at two partners). That comment made me state that the two of us need to let go and just channel all our energy/feelings back into being best friends and confidants (which we were for a few years before starting dating).

Now he's been in a foul mood since. Sulking like a child because he's upset/pissed about something rather than addressing what is making him this way. Plus he and his wife both blame me for everything that happened. While she tells me that she was never mad at me or thought I was doing anything wrong he says that she believes I never respected their marriage. However, I trusted that he was telling me the truth about what was going on. Everything in our relationship I made it clear he needed to talk with her about to make sure it was okay and every time he said it was. So all of my actions were being based off of what he said was okay.

The thing is, this was his choice. He could have made others. I asked when he finally mentioned she was having problems that the three of us have a sit down with Amy (a local kink/poly friend therapist here) to have a discussion with a mediator. That request was ignored. The biggest problem in regards to their fighting was the power exchange. He could have listened to her when she said kink only in the bedroom and to me when I said even though I needed some sort of kink with him I needed time with him more. But no, he wanted a slave too badly to listen to anyone.
 
Dear Cattiva,

Why haven't you moved out of the house yet????

There is nothing, NOTHING that you have said--and I have been reading this blog for a while--that makes me think, "Wow, Seven is awesome, what an amazing guy." He is not. He is childish, manipulative, self-centered, and possibly emotionally abusive. There is NOT ONE good quality of his that I can see.

Your blog here has become really engaging to read since your relationship with Seven ended. I am really rooting for you. Your personality is starting to shine, and you have sounded more independent and thoughtful and HAPPY since August, even though you have been understandably grieving since then.

Earlier I had had to stop reading your blog--it was so depressing and one-note. Seven wouldn't make time for you, but he would make time for Peaseblossom. Seven's wife Lamian wouldn't compromise with you on seeing Seven more, even though she had a boyfriend of her own. I could not understand why you didn't move out of this emotionally deranged household. You sounded like a better, stronger person than everyone else involved.

Right now, Seven is acting like a sulky child BECAUSE HE IS ONE. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend from college. He lived with another woman and I was comfortable with that, but he would sulk instead of talking to me when he was upset. When the other woman and I struggled to get along, he would tell me one thing and her another, while manipulating us both into thinking he was communicating well. She would flip out for no reason, and I thought she was crazy, but it was because he was lying to both her and to me.

The reason you, Lamian, and Peaseblossom ALL could not thrive while seeing Seven was because SEVEN IS THE PROBLEM.

He cannot continue to be your best friend either, because I have not heard of EVEN ONE THING he has done that is supportive of you or helpful to you.

I do get that you love him, and I understand your grief better than you know.

But you need to MOVE OUT AND FIND A NEW DOM. There is nothing else that will work here.

And WHY IN THE WORLD do you need to consider Seven's feelings regarding whether you go to the kink party on Halloween? He is not considering your feelings AT ALL. He is being a self-centered douchebag if he thinks you should wait around for an indefinite period to see if he can grow a pair of balls (er, I mean, to see if Lamian will let him see you again).

Go to the party. But not to make Seven jealous. Go because you need to move on with your life, have fun, and meet new people.

You've been doing so well lately. Your recent posts are interesting and show strong signs that you are healing and finding yourself. I am writing all this because I care about you and I think you deserve better than a manipulative, self-centered, emotionally stunted whiner who thinks he deserves a slave.

And that's my rant :)

Ignore Seven and pick out your outfit for the party!
 
I agree with Meera
 
Money is why haven't moved yet. Started looking for places when the breakup happened but realized that with my pitiful pay and Woodsmith not working couldn't afford any rent on places. Now looking to buy but need a co-signer to get the pre-approval because of my pay. My dad might be willing to do that. But isn't sure.

Why I can't live with my parents. One they don't really Artica of either the poly or the kink. Two my mother has a history of hitting me when I don't agree with her in actions or words.

Woodsmith's parents know nothing about our life and would kick us out of they found out. His mother already blames me for him leaving the church and just because of photos I've posted going to burlesque events (much let's if she knew I did burlesque or nude modeling) thinks of me as a whore and porn enabler.

I don't feel welcome or even safe really at my home. I never told anyone but I actually started looking for someplace in April. I doubted Woodsmith would understand my need to leave then so I was looking even just at studios. But I started feeling things were so tense between Lamian and I she would rather me dead than sharing a space with her. Now I find out the reason Seven is hiding is because he feels he would snap aggressively just being around me. I'm hate the feeling of being terrified of someone I've loved, cared for, and who meant so much of hating me so much he's afraid he would hurt me if he shared space with me.

I will be going to the party if they are staying home that day. I may still go otherwise. But no matter what I will not mention the kink aspect if only now for my own well-being.

I'm really hoping that my dad is willing to co-sign on three loan and we find a place. My leaving here is my priority right now.
 
Wordsmith needs to get a job.
 
Wordsmith needs to get a job.
I know. His things is two fold. 1) He wants a job that is going to help him along his career once he finishes his degree. 2) He doesn't want to give up his weekends and doesn't know how working during the week with school would help. He gets money each month from his dad while he's in school but that doesn't help with anything regarding a loan because since it isn't income they don't count it.
 
I know. His things is two fold. 1) He wants a job that is going to help him along his career once he finishes his degree. 2) He doesn't want to give up his weekends and doesn't know how working during the week with school would help. He gets money each month from his dad while he's in school but that doesn't help with anything regarding a loan because since it isn't income they don't count it.

And people in hell want ice water. In this job market a lot of people are not working in their chosen field. You work at McDonalds if you have to. As for not working weekends you do what you need to do. Do you think Butch wants to be home with his kids and me. He gets one weekend off every three weeks. Murf works every other weekend. We missed a lot of fun things this summer because he had to work. 12hr midnights at that. I have to work several weekends a month. It its the nature of emergency veterinary medicine.

When I went to college I was a single mom with a toddler. I also worked 40 hours. In a competitive science program. I even managed to get a 3.9 average and accepted into vet school. I sucked it up and did what I needed to do for my son.

Just like I suck it up now to help with household expenses. Woodsmith needs to do what he needs to do to take care of his family. Not be a leech who sucks his parents and wife dry. Men take care of their woman's needs.
 
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