My partner cheated and now wants me to be in a polyamory relationship with the woman

Neens

New member
I don't know what to do ! I'm so conflicted by this. My partner and I have been together for 2 years. I met Steve 2 years ago at a New Year's Eve party and ever since then we've been inseparable. 5 months into the relationship we moved in together . He's an artist and I'm a full time nurse so his income was never really steady and at times never coming in at all. I never looked through a guys phone but I had this uneasy feeling one day when he left the house. I dread doing this til this day but I saw an email from a woman saying very sexual things. I would try to look at his replies but it looked as if he erased them. When I would question him he would deny and basically defer it on me saying I'm insecure an how dare I invade his privacy. Though it was wrong to look through his phone I still felt that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. For the next few months the messages with him and her started getting progressive. I would see her talking about being in a polyamory life with him and having children. This made me depressed. I would work 10 hour shifts, pay all the rent including food, and never had any money to myself. Not even money for women things like deodorant or soap. So me seeing these messages made me very depressed. I would try to talk to him about it and he would consul me as a friend and give me spiritual advice on how to control my thoughts. I would cry to him asking him to tell me the truth and he said that he was just flirting with her and she has an obsession with him. Then he tells me they use to date then are really good Friends. He loved the attention. I asked him about wanting multiple gf's or wives but he would say he only wanted me to stop being so insecure. Moving forward I contacted her in a friendly way basically stating who I was and if she was a good friend of Steve's then I wanted to know why she was speaking to him the way she was. She was very confused and had no idea that he had a GF and was living with me. So when Steve got home I confronted him and so did she via text. He made me feel bad saying that she was in love with him and didn't want to hurt her feelings. She was emotional and has a hx of suicdal thoughts. He told me he cut her off but I never told him to do that I just wanted the truth. This caused multiple of fights between us an then the woman would message me saying that her and Steve are together an then Steve would tell me she's crazy. This made me crazy ! This stresses me out so much tag we got evicted from our home bc I would show up to work crying and they ended up firing me. Steve is a great talker / dreamer. We would sit for hours and discuss our future goals and helping others, traveling, and having children. If I never looked at Steve's phone I was happy with our relationship besides him not putting any income I looked at it as a partnership . I was helping him focus on his dreams or beig an artist while I worked crazy hours because I loved him and believed in us. As I'm writing this I feel like a complete jack ass. So Steve and I are basically homeless. Sleeping on friends couches , families couches. While I'm angry at myself for letting my emotions and depression cause this I felt I had a partner who was by my side. A couple weeks ago I got an uneasy feeling again. I finally got a new Job I Central Park and he was staying in Harlem with family. I felt he was seeing her because I would have crazy dreams and intuition . He laughed at me said he cut her off but she has been asking how he was doing. He said he wanted to be her friend . So I messages her a peaceful message to move forward. Steve then asked me if I would have a three some . I've never been with a woman but was open to it. Then he mentioned the woman and I said no due to the drama with everything. He then mentioned polyamory to me and I was sick about it. Suddenly , I he an email from the woman stating that she would like to meet me and sent me a website all about polyamory. I replied to her stating that if Steve and I decided on it we will be in charge of that decision. She was confused , as we exchanged more information it turns out Steve was lying to her as well. Turns out they have been having sex behind my back but to them it's not cheating. It is to me because I thought I was in a monogamous relationship. I'm sad . Steve is telling me he is now " opening up " or " coming out " and I'm judging him. He's projecting it on me. It's not the lifestyle, it's the lying. Now I'm homeless with no car anymore , no job and he is trying to convince me that this is love . In selfish for only wanting him . She wants to love me too but I'm pushing it away. I'm 30 years old and want children. I had my career ! I had my home ! I had my car ! Now I'm here. Her and him are happy and I'm sad. He tells me that he can love me better then anyone and I'm pushing it away. I'm confused . Am I wrong ? This all happened in a matter of a week. She isn't making it better by being really friendly to me and all I want to do is be mean because I'm hurt. Perception is that he is using me . Perception is he is using us. When him and I are together it's beautiful. I enjoy every second and never wanted anyone else. I never looked at another man because I looked at him as my life partner. I keep going back and forth . They are both telling me to move forward and get over the past but the past is now. I had his back . I gave him a home , I was loyal, I loved him , I never complained, and he can just love her all of a sudden ?! I was the lady in his life now she is but the thing is they never were proactive. They saw each other twice in 2 years. It's recent they have been having sex . After all the things I've done for him . After all the nights I cried to him . This is what happens and I have to accept it and be in a relationship with him and her now . WHAT DO I DO ?!
 
This is a no-brainer. You need to break up with him. This is not an ethical way to do polyamory and people like your partner are the reason poly gets a bad name!

I personally believe that if you are going to introduce poly into a previously mono relationship then it has to be very strong to begin with. It really does not sound like that is the case here.

You deserve better than he is giving you and you can definitely find someone who can love you better! He is an asshole and he is behaving poorly towards you AND the other woman. Please, please, please stop taking his SHIT!
 
Turn around and RUN the other direction! He's a liar and a cheater. You worked your ass off to support him while he fucked around on you, it's kind of a no Brainer. You should seek therapy and try to figure out why you would be with someone like him. Count your lucky stars you didn't get pregnant. Move on, find a job, rebuild your life, love yourself , and never ever let anyone drag you down or take advantage of you again
 
He's a liar and a cheat. This is not ethical polyamory. Run away from this loser and don't look back.
 
His behaviour isn't "loving you better than anyone."

This is not a man to build a future with, no matter how much he was good at talking about it.

30 is a fantastic age. Start again without him. Now. (I started again at 33, damn I wish I'd done it a few years earlier).
 
It's never too late to start over. I did it at 48. Leave now. It's going to hurt for a while, but soon you will realise how bad this man was for you.
Be strong. Xx
 
Run screaming from this man. Get yourself tested for STDs STDs asap. This is by no means polyamory.
 
Thank you everyone! Their is a lot more to the story but it literally would become a novel . I appreciate the support. I really loved this man. It's not the polyamory lifestyle , it's the lying. Although he did apologize stating he was very scared, this hurt is too great. I'm a very forgiving person but who am I kidding ... This isn't going to work. The woman is trying to built a relationship with me and this brings out the ugly in me. I'm nice to her but don't really want to be. I look at sexy and relationships in a very sacred way so I feel violated spiritually. It's sick because he's making it seem I have issues for not wanting to live this life with him . No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I wish him the best . It's hard letting go but I need to focus on me and me only for now. Rebuild my life so I can have children and live the dreams with out him. I have no one to talk to becAuse people laugh at polyamory and perception kills..
 
Hi Neens,

Many things concern me about your situation, but what concerns me the most is, the stress your partner has caused you has resulted in you losing your job, car, and house. That's very serious, and all by itself supplies ample reason why you should break up with him. You need to rebuild your life. As long as he is around, he will be like a wrecking ball.

He has played you, and told you things about polyamory that aren't true. Polyamory requires your knowledge and consent, and he didn't bother getting either from you. He has done all kinds of lying, then telling you whatever he thought you wanted to hear so as to get himself out of the hot water. He's not worthy of your company.

Please, please, please, get yourself out of this situation with him before it destroys you completely.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If this story is for real, then all I have to say is: Stop being a doormat for this asshole Steve to wipe his shoes on!

You deserve better, so start developing some self-esteem. Get far away from him, stop paying his way, find new friends and a place to stay where he won't find you, and start your life over NOW.
 
Really hoping you aren't still with him! That definitely isn't poly. Further more, it's abuse. No one should EVER stay with a partner that tells them "no one's going to love you like I do," or apologizes but turns the situation around on you. Those are signs of emotional abuse. I put up with that in the past (though, there wasn't cheating involved) and it was the worst decision of my life. Like you, I was crying all the time and it was really affecting me. Get out. I know New York has a lot of private shelters for people who have been the victims of abuse, and I believe they're much nicer than the ones run by the city. Unless you have someone you know you can stay with and not have to see this asshole, I suggest trying to get into one of those. If it were me, I'd probably also change my number and email, that way you don't have to worry about him or the other woman. And definitely find either a therapist, or, if you don't feel comfortable with that a trusted friend, to talk to!
 
Thank you everyone!! So people I believe bring out certain parts of you and This definatly brought out the emotional side and insecure. I'm confiding in friends and family now instead of holding it in. He is verbally abusing me into thinking I'm the abuser and he had me for a while. Crying to him and embarrassing myself. Today I'm better. Tomorrow i'll be even better! I've been staying at a friends house and been depressed but today I've actually gotten up and faced the day! Thank you everyone for helping me!! This really effected me emotionally, menatlly , and spiritually. Love is truly blind at times.
 
It's good to hear that things are starting to go better for you. It sounds like your (ex?) partner was gaslighting you. We're here to help and support you, and, now your friends and family can help you too.

Thanks for that update.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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