Seeking advice for a self-actualized mono/poly couple with major unexpected challenge

MonoWithPoly

New member
To start, I am a self-aware, mindful, monogous individual and theoretical swinger. My story begins while my last boyfriend was in Africa for 6 months, with whom I shared an active, monogamous sex life with before he left, and who I had plans to swing with once he returned. I always told him he could sleep with other girls if he wanted, but he never did. I just trusted that he loved me, and I never wanted my lover to feel restricted, but oddly I am very easily content in monogamous relationships. Something about my partner getting with hot girls also turns me on. Anyway, during this time, I was invited to a VIP party, and while I'm usually far more responsible, I got carried away with the free drinks. I blacked out, but I was with my sister and 5 of our close friends in a band (NOT a groupie situation, since I'd been best friends with most of them for 5 years and had NEVER slept with any of them). I was there with the newest band member though because his date fell through, and it surprised me when he hit on me twice at the show, though on both occasions I immediately shut him down, making it crystal clear I loved my boyfriend and would be staying at my sister's that night.

After the event, I was so blacked out that I was talking gibberish and falling over (so embarrassing), so my sister and the two guys we'd gone with carried me back to her room, where I completely passed out still wearing my dress. Next, the guy I was with lied to my sister/her date while they were on the back porch and said he just had to "use the bathroom", after which he came in and raped me. My sister and his bandmate walked in and furiously kicked him out. I told my boyfriend immediately while sobbing for his forgiveness when I found out the next morning, since before having all the facts on exactly what happened, I felt very much as though I'd cheated for putting myself in that situation. Even though this asshole was kicked out of the band by his furious band mates with whom I go way back, I was still very hesitant to pull the "r-card" (especially since I did not in any way want to jeopardize the band's reputation due to this one new band member's horrible decisions, in addition to having been raped at gunpoint back in high school, making this occasion feel like it didn't quite "qualify").

Then, after my boyfriend forgave me, I met my current boyfriend. He is literally me in guy-form; my twin flame. He was the first to tell me that what happened to me was rape, absolutely not my fault and in no way qualified as "cheating". His friendship was so instrumental through this and our connection so strong that I knew I had to breakup with my former boyfriend while he was still in Africa. However, this new one told me that he was in NO way ready for a monogamous relationship and would likely never be--to which I reassured him that he could sleep with whoever he wanted, even though it'd be unlikely I'd ever want outside sex unless in a swinger context, as long as I felt my emotional and physical needs were being met. So we worked out a clear framework to align our expectations. After that, we began having the most intimate, soul-connecting sex of my entire life for weeks--full of passion and a deeply innate knowing and understanding of one another. We eventually reached the point a few weeks in where we decided to both get tested, since we'd both NEVER have sex without a condom otherwise, and because I'd just been raped, (though I TOTALLY did not expect anything to be wrong).

Then, on a five minute break from facilitating a full-day executive workshop, the doctor called to tell me I have genital herpes. My heart stopped, I said thank you, hung up the phone, and went straight back to work with a smile. In my head, though, my thoughts were racing: what about that time he went down on me?! What if he has it orally now?! What if I gave it to him through the condom?! What if I ruined his life the way I suddenly was positive mine was ruined? Still, I facilitated the rest of the day like a champion and totally locked it up.

Afterwards, I called my sister as I drove to his house to tell him. She had me the transmission probabilities by the time I reached his house. Knowing how risk-adverse he is, I was confident he'd freak out, but even before I told him, he hugged me and intuitively told me everything was going to be okay. I told him my results, framing it 100% about him and explaining exactly the probabilities of his situation while apologizing profusely for not being more careful... He immediately stopped me. He told me I'd just experienced something incredibly traumatic and needed to stop worrying about him; that I needed to feel the emotions of what had just happened to me. He told me that, no matter what, we'd get through it together, and that no matter who else he saw, he would never abandon me. Luckily, he did not have herpes, and I stayed positive by working through things with friends and actively practicing my yoga, meditation, and positive framing. I focused on how INCREDIBLY grateful I was to have met the love of my life just weeks before a diagnosis that could have left me alone for a long time.

But the issues began when we started researching options to remain physically active. He promised we'd find creative solutions to maintain sexual intimacy no matter how unconventional. However, there is ALWAYS a risk of transmission, even though I've never had an outbreak and am on antivirals, and even if we use a condom. I realized that we can't have sex at all without risking his casual partners.. UNLESS we get full latex boxers that close around the top of the condom.. So we did. However, this is INCREDIBLY disruptive to sex, not attractive and totally kills the intimacy. The pair we got also degraded after only a couple uses. So I began looking for a better pair that's easier to put on and sexier, with an elastic band. I finally found a perfect match in China, but it never made it in the mail.

I've actually spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours over the past months trying to order one so we can get back to the passionate and intimate sex I so crave, but I'm STILL waiting on these orders from around the world to come in the mail. In the meantime, we've resorted to mutual masturbation. However, because he has other partners, he takes precautions by always using gloves to finger me. This isn't very intimate either, and since he works 12 hour days, when he comes home, he is often too tired to get me off. I'd imagine that for someone poly, if the sex doesn't involve intimate connectedness, it is not worth having. However, his needs are met because he still has access to amazing, intimate sex with other partners, and suddenly I realize I have nowhere to go to meet my needs. At this point, I tell him my needs are not being met, and that I need him to get me off a few times a week. He feels horrible and tells me I deserve nothing less. However, I still keep finding myself having to ask for it, and when he does offer, it's still not the same--now it's almost mechanical, like a chore, with no more passion or interest in heating things up. It's more like "How long is this gonna take? I'm so tired, can you just get off already?" I even tried finding other partners to meet my needs in similar situations on an HSV-2 dating site, but I just can't be happy with anyone but him. He is my soulmate.

Then enter the jealousy. Suddenly, as he'd talk about how hot other girls were or how badly he wanted them, I realized it wasn't a turn on anymore. I found myself getting really upset that other girls got to have him in a way I'd seemingly never be able to again. I felt rejected and insecure that he didn't want me sexually like he used to, even though I KNOW how deeply he loves me, and I started to wonder what would happen if he met the perfect girl, just like me, but that could give him everything I could PLUS the sex? And then I met her--she was me in girl form. At first, Phil and I fantasized about threesomes with her before I realized I was angry at the thought of them together. She was too perfect. Too beautiful. Too much like me. And she could give him everything I couldn't. This started a huge hypothetical debate, and while neither of us hooked up with her, she became the archetype I used to describe everything I was feeling to him and why.

This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. While he was extremely compassionate and patient, the sudden 180* flip in my emotions introduced a whole additional layer of fear and guilt he has to navigate to make me feel secure. I find myself changing my mind a lot, telling him he can sleep with someone when he goes to a party, then calling him before he arrives and telling him sorry but now I realize I'd be upset about it and just didn't have time to fully process. It's incredibly stressful, and even I can't tell if the random jealousy is due to my diagnosis or just my new reality.

I'm tired of feeling forced into a state of dependency on him as I've lost my independence, autonomy and control within our relationship. On the other hand, I have never felt so in love, and I believe that our advanced communication skills, strategic problem solving capabilities and deep compassion for one another mean we just can't give up trying, especially if we've made it this far. I just want us both to be happy. If ANYONE has advice regarding how to address this, please share, and THANK YOU for reading my entire novel to try to help!
 
I don't mean to be flippant here, but it's herpes, not HIV. It's not the end of the world. You're on retro-virals. Even if he does get it, it's not going to kill him. There's more chance he could catch it unwittingly from one of his other lovers than you when you're taking precautions to suppress it and not actually having a break out. In his shoes, I'd be forgetting the latex pants and getting back to having nice connected sex with you. In your shoes, I'd be unwilling to live my whole sexual life with someone who, by their actions, treats me like a sexual pariah over such a benign little virus.
 
Also wanted to add, if you've never had an outbreak but just tested positive for hsv2 via a blood test, you might not even shed it from your genitals. hsv2 can happily exist in your mouth, so you could potentially be able to pass it to someone via kissing. The test just tells you which variant of have you have, not where exactly you have it. Are you going to give up kissing people from now on? I certainly hope not.
 
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Ditto what tenk said. Also, hsv2 is less likey to be transmitted from female to male than it is male to female. Throw in antivirals and condom use and the risk is very low. With the exception of those with compromised immune systems and pregnant women giving birth vaginally, its really not dangerous.
 
The virus is only transmitted if an eruption touches a mucous membrane area on someone else. And the virus always follows the same neural pathways from the spinal cord, where it lives, to the skin - so you'll always know where it will erupt and knowing that makes it easier to avoid contact with a partner's mucous membranes. It can be killed with soap and water.

If you're taking Valacyclovir or similar, it fools the virus into thinking it is getting whatever elements it needs that causes it to travel to the skin's surfaces, which means that as long as you are taking the prescription faithfully, it won't erupt and shed. And that's almost like not having herpes. I think the idea of latex underwear is quite a case of overkill. No one I know who has herpes would ever go to that extreme (I've never even heard of such a thing!), and many people who have it are in long-term relationships with partners who have never gotten it from them.

It's a virus that creates a temporary skin condition, not a prison sentence.
 
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And the virus always follows the same neural pathways from the spinal cord, where it lives, to the skin - so you'll always know where it will erupt and knowing that makes it easier to avoid contact with a partner's mucous membranes. It can be killed with soap and water.

I agree with everything you say, but the OP doesn't know where the eruption site may be, because she's never been aware of having any lesions. All she knows is it's HSV2, so that does make it a little harder to avoid contact.
 
Thank you!

Also wanted to add, if you've never had an outbreak but just tested positive for hsv2 via a blood test, you might not even shed it from your genitals. hsv2 can happily exist in your mouth, so you could potentially be able to pass it to someone via kissing. The test just tells you which variant of have you have, not where exactly you have it. Are you going to give up kissing people from now on? I certainly hope not.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response TenK. A few additional details: because I had recently contracted it within months according to the blood work/my doctor, and because I hadn't slept with anyone aside being raped within the past 6 months with my bf in Africa (plus tested clean with me ex before that), I am 100% positive I contracted it when I was raped. There was no kissing involved, so it had to be vaginally. However, your points are very valid. In fact, in almost any other situation, I'd absolutely take your advice, but here is where I actually become the most confused regarding how to feel.

In my current bf's perspective, if we don't take every available precaution to reduce the risk to essentially zero (between the antivirals, lack of outbreaks, above contraction info, condom use and latex boxers) then he feels unethical taking a known risk by sleeping with me and then sleeping with other girls he meets casually without disclosing the risk. Additionally, every time he does disclose, casual sex partners are no longer interested. So the only way for him to be successfully poly is if he doesn't have to disclose my situation, but in order for him to feel he can do so ethically without putting those girls unknowingly at risk of what I went through, the latex boxer solution feels like the only safe bet. The only other option we could think of would be monogamy, since if the ethical factor of keeping the other girls safe wasn't in the mix, he would happily take the risk of contraction himself in order to share an intimate sex life with me. However, he knows he will never be satisfied in a monogamous relationship. I don't want to force him to be something he's not. Very, very grey. Thank you for your thoughts though. They do help.
 
he feels unethical taking a known risk by sleeping with me and then sleeping with other girls he meets casually without disclosing the risk. Additionally, every time he does disclose, casual sex partners are no longer interested.

Bad for him. Not your fault.
Would he think about how he discloses? Perhaps using some of the word of tenk? Like rephrasing the quote
There's more chance he could catch it unwittingly from one of his other lovers than you when you're taking precautions to suppress it and not actually having a break out.
If they still run away, then... they might not have been interested into him very much anyway.
 
You know, this guy on the surface reads like a real catch. He handled the fact that you were raped really well, reassured you. (I am so sorry that happened to you. I think you are handling a difficult situation and consequences really well, by the way.) He's communicative and open. Yay.

But, I dunno. He also seems a bit off in some important ways.

Is he immune suppressed or immune compromised? If he is, then herpes can be a serious matter.

But it sounds like he just wants to get tail without having to disclose, and risk being rejected. In other words, he doesn't want to be a pariah so he is acting in ways that result in treating you like a pariah. This is not ok.

Look, no one wants to get genital herpes. I certainly don't. (I do have HSV-1 and HPV.) It's unpleasant, can be painful, and the social stigma is real. There can be health consequences for some people.

But as others have pointed out, it rarely causes serious health issues. Genital herpes is common, and oral herpes (HSV-1), i.e. cold sores, is nearly universal. If he has cold sores, he has herpes. If he has had the chicken pox, he's had herpes. If he has had shingles, he's had herpes. They are all the same family of viruses. (For some actual facts, here is a good site: http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/.) And you know, what? If he has had sex, then he is likely to have been exposed to the various strains of HPV. (Is he vaccinated? Are you?) And this is true of everyone he wants to fuck.

I'm just so disturbed by the fact that he's virus-shaming you because he doesn't want to risk being turned down for sex by women who in turn, shame him because they are as equally ignorant of the actual risks and facts about herpes as he is. If he wants to really be ethical, he needs to disclose that he's been exposed to genital herpes even if you and he are doing all you can to reduce transmission. And you have gone above and beyond on that. You have literally done everything you can. He doesn't get a pass to fuck women by a lie of omission - which is what not disclosing is. He's soothing his conscience so he can do what he really wants to do - fuck women - by telling himself and you that this is ethical behavior. This is wrong and he needs to cut it out. He's been exposed for sure (he's been exposed before but just didn't know it) and he needs to tell women he wants to have sex with that this has happened. That is the only ethical option he has.

Look, he will get turned down. The stigma and ignorance are real. However, disclosure is a very handy self-selection mechanism as it will make those who are too ignorant, too arrogant, too unwilling to examine their own ideas about sex, risk, and what they are willing to do, to run away at top speed. This is a good thing! There will be other women who will want to fuck him, responsibly, after disclosing. He can be 'successfully poly' and disclose.

On the surface, he's being all ethical, super sensitive poly man. But he is really virus-shaming you and dressing it up as being 'ethical'. I call bullshit.
 
I am so incredibly sorry for what you have been though, and continue to go through. The social stigma of rape is real, and the stigma of genital herpes moreso. It sucks that you have to deal with any of it, let alone all of it, and now this.

As gently as I can, I think it's reasonable to say that your boyfriend may have internalized the stigma, and also may feel the risks are too restrictive for him. There's nothing you can do about either of these things, and he has a right to decisions regarding how his sexual health is managed, and how it impacts his life, too. It sounds as if he's made the decision that no risk management will be enough to mitigate what is, to him, an unacceptable risk. While unfortunate (and honestly ridiculous, since he clearly doesn't go to these same kinds of lengths--dental dams, oral only with condoms, latex boxes, etc--with other partners, which means he could be exposed to the virus any time he has sex with anyone else anyway), there's not much you can do about it.

He may not want to say that it's a deal-breaker for him, because he feels guilty about it. But, he's not treating you well, he's not being realistic about management, and the lengths he wants to go to in order to have intimacy again don't sound like things that will fulfill you, regardless. It may be time to think about what his actions are saying about your long-term relationship will actually look like based on what he is showing you. Is that a life you want?

There is no one person for everyone. That is really hard to hear, and even harder to believe, I know. But, even if there isn't another "someone" out there, do you want to live your life feeling as you feel now?

You deserve better treatment than he is giving you, and partner(s) who are interested enough in you to become informed, and be willing to give their partners the opportunity to consent. If that isn't forthcoming from him, as difficult as it would be, it may be time to consider moving on for your own health.

Have you been re-tested for HIV since your initial test? Has he been re-tested for HSV1 and 2?
 
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I am so sorry that asshole raped you. And now you have emotional and physical repercussions to deal with. Grrrr!

Have you considered prosecuting this jerkwad for committing this crime upon your body? I wonder if you would find that satisfying and empowering.

So many women have suffered multiples rapes, assaults and attacks from strangers, on dates, or from so-called friends or acquaintances. We just had a thread on here, where a man was amazed at how careful women need to be to avoid this kind of harm. It is such a burden on us women to live life in such a way that we lessen the chances some demon overtakes us and violates our being, with lifelong repercussions such as you are now dealing with. Your rapist just thought it was OK to take what he couldn't convince you to give. Something is still seriously wrong with our society that this kind of thing is still so common.

I was once orally raped by an acquaintance who drove me home from a party. I was once assaulted by a stranger who stalked me on the street and followed me into an apartment building. And in college I went to a party in my dorm, got drunk, and woke up naked in my bed, next to a guy who I knew I had not been attracted to at the party, nor had I spent much time even talking to him, as far as I can remember. Somehow he took advantage of me and had had sex with me... to this day I can't remember what happened.

Yeah yeah, I know #notallmen. But guess what? 1 in 4 women will be raped by age 21. There are a lot of friggin rapists out there, aren't there? Ugh.
 
He may not want to say that it's a deal-breaker for him, because he feels guilty about it. But, he's not treating you well, he's not being realistic about management, and the lengths he wants to go to in order to have intimacy again don't sound like things that will fulfill you, regardless. It may be time to think about what his actions are saying about your long-term relationship will actually look like based on what he is showing you. Is that a life you want?

I just want to say this, this, all of this. I mean, ethics are one thing, but he's treating you like less than a person right now.
 
Hi MonoWithPoly,

I don't know of any advice to give you, but I wanted to share my sympathies for your situation. That's terrible that that man raped you, and a nightmare that he infected you as well. Only you can decide what you'll pursue as far as partners go, but I just want to say that I think you deserve better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don't have much to add as others have covered most everything but I will say this, your BF is not handling this well. Yes there is an ignorant social stigma to genital herpes. Likely you have experienced some low feelings because of your diagnosis. I know I did when I was newly diagnosed. I contracted it at age 22 from a BF who did not disclose it to me. I met my husband through a herpes singles group. At the time I didn't feel that I could date people that didn't have it. Fast forward 17 years & I see it for what it is, a minor, occasional irritant not deserving of stigma.

I'm now in a poly relationship. I told Surfer before we had sexual contact. He didn't know much about it so I explained carefully statistics, risks, etc. I was not rejected & although we follow safer sex practices & I'm on meds he's aware of the risk.

My main point here is that this may have been a blow to your self esteem. While it seems like BF is supportive he's not treating you well in this regard. I've been where you are as far as experiencing being newly diagnosed & not having been given a choice in the matter. If you'd like to talk feel free to PM me.
 
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