MonoWithPoly
New member
To start, I am a self-aware, mindful, monogous individual and theoretical swinger. My story begins while my last boyfriend was in Africa for 6 months, with whom I shared an active, monogamous sex life with before he left, and who I had plans to swing with once he returned. I always told him he could sleep with other girls if he wanted, but he never did. I just trusted that he loved me, and I never wanted my lover to feel restricted, but oddly I am very easily content in monogamous relationships. Something about my partner getting with hot girls also turns me on. Anyway, during this time, I was invited to a VIP party, and while I'm usually far more responsible, I got carried away with the free drinks. I blacked out, but I was with my sister and 5 of our close friends in a band (NOT a groupie situation, since I'd been best friends with most of them for 5 years and had NEVER slept with any of them). I was there with the newest band member though because his date fell through, and it surprised me when he hit on me twice at the show, though on both occasions I immediately shut him down, making it crystal clear I loved my boyfriend and would be staying at my sister's that night.
After the event, I was so blacked out that I was talking gibberish and falling over (so embarrassing), so my sister and the two guys we'd gone with carried me back to her room, where I completely passed out still wearing my dress. Next, the guy I was with lied to my sister/her date while they were on the back porch and said he just had to "use the bathroom", after which he came in and raped me. My sister and his bandmate walked in and furiously kicked him out. I told my boyfriend immediately while sobbing for his forgiveness when I found out the next morning, since before having all the facts on exactly what happened, I felt very much as though I'd cheated for putting myself in that situation. Even though this asshole was kicked out of the band by his furious band mates with whom I go way back, I was still very hesitant to pull the "r-card" (especially since I did not in any way want to jeopardize the band's reputation due to this one new band member's horrible decisions, in addition to having been raped at gunpoint back in high school, making this occasion feel like it didn't quite "qualify").
Then, after my boyfriend forgave me, I met my current boyfriend. He is literally me in guy-form; my twin flame. He was the first to tell me that what happened to me was rape, absolutely not my fault and in no way qualified as "cheating". His friendship was so instrumental through this and our connection so strong that I knew I had to breakup with my former boyfriend while he was still in Africa. However, this new one told me that he was in NO way ready for a monogamous relationship and would likely never be--to which I reassured him that he could sleep with whoever he wanted, even though it'd be unlikely I'd ever want outside sex unless in a swinger context, as long as I felt my emotional and physical needs were being met. So we worked out a clear framework to align our expectations. After that, we began having the most intimate, soul-connecting sex of my entire life for weeks--full of passion and a deeply innate knowing and understanding of one another. We eventually reached the point a few weeks in where we decided to both get tested, since we'd both NEVER have sex without a condom otherwise, and because I'd just been raped, (though I TOTALLY did not expect anything to be wrong).
Then, on a five minute break from facilitating a full-day executive workshop, the doctor called to tell me I have genital herpes. My heart stopped, I said thank you, hung up the phone, and went straight back to work with a smile. In my head, though, my thoughts were racing: what about that time he went down on me?! What if he has it orally now?! What if I gave it to him through the condom?! What if I ruined his life the way I suddenly was positive mine was ruined? Still, I facilitated the rest of the day like a champion and totally locked it up.
Afterwards, I called my sister as I drove to his house to tell him. She had me the transmission probabilities by the time I reached his house. Knowing how risk-adverse he is, I was confident he'd freak out, but even before I told him, he hugged me and intuitively told me everything was going to be okay. I told him my results, framing it 100% about him and explaining exactly the probabilities of his situation while apologizing profusely for not being more careful... He immediately stopped me. He told me I'd just experienced something incredibly traumatic and needed to stop worrying about him; that I needed to feel the emotions of what had just happened to me. He told me that, no matter what, we'd get through it together, and that no matter who else he saw, he would never abandon me. Luckily, he did not have herpes, and I stayed positive by working through things with friends and actively practicing my yoga, meditation, and positive framing. I focused on how INCREDIBLY grateful I was to have met the love of my life just weeks before a diagnosis that could have left me alone for a long time.
But the issues began when we started researching options to remain physically active. He promised we'd find creative solutions to maintain sexual intimacy no matter how unconventional. However, there is ALWAYS a risk of transmission, even though I've never had an outbreak and am on antivirals, and even if we use a condom. I realized that we can't have sex at all without risking his casual partners.. UNLESS we get full latex boxers that close around the top of the condom.. So we did. However, this is INCREDIBLY disruptive to sex, not attractive and totally kills the intimacy. The pair we got also degraded after only a couple uses. So I began looking for a better pair that's easier to put on and sexier, with an elastic band. I finally found a perfect match in China, but it never made it in the mail.
I've actually spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours over the past months trying to order one so we can get back to the passionate and intimate sex I so crave, but I'm STILL waiting on these orders from around the world to come in the mail. In the meantime, we've resorted to mutual masturbation. However, because he has other partners, he takes precautions by always using gloves to finger me. This isn't very intimate either, and since he works 12 hour days, when he comes home, he is often too tired to get me off. I'd imagine that for someone poly, if the sex doesn't involve intimate connectedness, it is not worth having. However, his needs are met because he still has access to amazing, intimate sex with other partners, and suddenly I realize I have nowhere to go to meet my needs. At this point, I tell him my needs are not being met, and that I need him to get me off a few times a week. He feels horrible and tells me I deserve nothing less. However, I still keep finding myself having to ask for it, and when he does offer, it's still not the same--now it's almost mechanical, like a chore, with no more passion or interest in heating things up. It's more like "How long is this gonna take? I'm so tired, can you just get off already?" I even tried finding other partners to meet my needs in similar situations on an HSV-2 dating site, but I just can't be happy with anyone but him. He is my soulmate.
Then enter the jealousy. Suddenly, as he'd talk about how hot other girls were or how badly he wanted them, I realized it wasn't a turn on anymore. I found myself getting really upset that other girls got to have him in a way I'd seemingly never be able to again. I felt rejected and insecure that he didn't want me sexually like he used to, even though I KNOW how deeply he loves me, and I started to wonder what would happen if he met the perfect girl, just like me, but that could give him everything I could PLUS the sex? And then I met her--she was me in girl form. At first, Phil and I fantasized about threesomes with her before I realized I was angry at the thought of them together. She was too perfect. Too beautiful. Too much like me. And she could give him everything I couldn't. This started a huge hypothetical debate, and while neither of us hooked up with her, she became the archetype I used to describe everything I was feeling to him and why.
This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. While he was extremely compassionate and patient, the sudden 180* flip in my emotions introduced a whole additional layer of fear and guilt he has to navigate to make me feel secure. I find myself changing my mind a lot, telling him he can sleep with someone when he goes to a party, then calling him before he arrives and telling him sorry but now I realize I'd be upset about it and just didn't have time to fully process. It's incredibly stressful, and even I can't tell if the random jealousy is due to my diagnosis or just my new reality.
I'm tired of feeling forced into a state of dependency on him as I've lost my independence, autonomy and control within our relationship. On the other hand, I have never felt so in love, and I believe that our advanced communication skills, strategic problem solving capabilities and deep compassion for one another mean we just can't give up trying, especially if we've made it this far. I just want us both to be happy. If ANYONE has advice regarding how to address this, please share, and THANK YOU for reading my entire novel to try to help!
After the event, I was so blacked out that I was talking gibberish and falling over (so embarrassing), so my sister and the two guys we'd gone with carried me back to her room, where I completely passed out still wearing my dress. Next, the guy I was with lied to my sister/her date while they were on the back porch and said he just had to "use the bathroom", after which he came in and raped me. My sister and his bandmate walked in and furiously kicked him out. I told my boyfriend immediately while sobbing for his forgiveness when I found out the next morning, since before having all the facts on exactly what happened, I felt very much as though I'd cheated for putting myself in that situation. Even though this asshole was kicked out of the band by his furious band mates with whom I go way back, I was still very hesitant to pull the "r-card" (especially since I did not in any way want to jeopardize the band's reputation due to this one new band member's horrible decisions, in addition to having been raped at gunpoint back in high school, making this occasion feel like it didn't quite "qualify").
Then, after my boyfriend forgave me, I met my current boyfriend. He is literally me in guy-form; my twin flame. He was the first to tell me that what happened to me was rape, absolutely not my fault and in no way qualified as "cheating". His friendship was so instrumental through this and our connection so strong that I knew I had to breakup with my former boyfriend while he was still in Africa. However, this new one told me that he was in NO way ready for a monogamous relationship and would likely never be--to which I reassured him that he could sleep with whoever he wanted, even though it'd be unlikely I'd ever want outside sex unless in a swinger context, as long as I felt my emotional and physical needs were being met. So we worked out a clear framework to align our expectations. After that, we began having the most intimate, soul-connecting sex of my entire life for weeks--full of passion and a deeply innate knowing and understanding of one another. We eventually reached the point a few weeks in where we decided to both get tested, since we'd both NEVER have sex without a condom otherwise, and because I'd just been raped, (though I TOTALLY did not expect anything to be wrong).
Then, on a five minute break from facilitating a full-day executive workshop, the doctor called to tell me I have genital herpes. My heart stopped, I said thank you, hung up the phone, and went straight back to work with a smile. In my head, though, my thoughts were racing: what about that time he went down on me?! What if he has it orally now?! What if I gave it to him through the condom?! What if I ruined his life the way I suddenly was positive mine was ruined? Still, I facilitated the rest of the day like a champion and totally locked it up.
Afterwards, I called my sister as I drove to his house to tell him. She had me the transmission probabilities by the time I reached his house. Knowing how risk-adverse he is, I was confident he'd freak out, but even before I told him, he hugged me and intuitively told me everything was going to be okay. I told him my results, framing it 100% about him and explaining exactly the probabilities of his situation while apologizing profusely for not being more careful... He immediately stopped me. He told me I'd just experienced something incredibly traumatic and needed to stop worrying about him; that I needed to feel the emotions of what had just happened to me. He told me that, no matter what, we'd get through it together, and that no matter who else he saw, he would never abandon me. Luckily, he did not have herpes, and I stayed positive by working through things with friends and actively practicing my yoga, meditation, and positive framing. I focused on how INCREDIBLY grateful I was to have met the love of my life just weeks before a diagnosis that could have left me alone for a long time.
But the issues began when we started researching options to remain physically active. He promised we'd find creative solutions to maintain sexual intimacy no matter how unconventional. However, there is ALWAYS a risk of transmission, even though I've never had an outbreak and am on antivirals, and even if we use a condom. I realized that we can't have sex at all without risking his casual partners.. UNLESS we get full latex boxers that close around the top of the condom.. So we did. However, this is INCREDIBLY disruptive to sex, not attractive and totally kills the intimacy. The pair we got also degraded after only a couple uses. So I began looking for a better pair that's easier to put on and sexier, with an elastic band. I finally found a perfect match in China, but it never made it in the mail.
I've actually spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours over the past months trying to order one so we can get back to the passionate and intimate sex I so crave, but I'm STILL waiting on these orders from around the world to come in the mail. In the meantime, we've resorted to mutual masturbation. However, because he has other partners, he takes precautions by always using gloves to finger me. This isn't very intimate either, and since he works 12 hour days, when he comes home, he is often too tired to get me off. I'd imagine that for someone poly, if the sex doesn't involve intimate connectedness, it is not worth having. However, his needs are met because he still has access to amazing, intimate sex with other partners, and suddenly I realize I have nowhere to go to meet my needs. At this point, I tell him my needs are not being met, and that I need him to get me off a few times a week. He feels horrible and tells me I deserve nothing less. However, I still keep finding myself having to ask for it, and when he does offer, it's still not the same--now it's almost mechanical, like a chore, with no more passion or interest in heating things up. It's more like "How long is this gonna take? I'm so tired, can you just get off already?" I even tried finding other partners to meet my needs in similar situations on an HSV-2 dating site, but I just can't be happy with anyone but him. He is my soulmate.
Then enter the jealousy. Suddenly, as he'd talk about how hot other girls were or how badly he wanted them, I realized it wasn't a turn on anymore. I found myself getting really upset that other girls got to have him in a way I'd seemingly never be able to again. I felt rejected and insecure that he didn't want me sexually like he used to, even though I KNOW how deeply he loves me, and I started to wonder what would happen if he met the perfect girl, just like me, but that could give him everything I could PLUS the sex? And then I met her--she was me in girl form. At first, Phil and I fantasized about threesomes with her before I realized I was angry at the thought of them together. She was too perfect. Too beautiful. Too much like me. And she could give him everything I couldn't. This started a huge hypothetical debate, and while neither of us hooked up with her, she became the archetype I used to describe everything I was feeling to him and why.
This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. While he was extremely compassionate and patient, the sudden 180* flip in my emotions introduced a whole additional layer of fear and guilt he has to navigate to make me feel secure. I find myself changing my mind a lot, telling him he can sleep with someone when he goes to a party, then calling him before he arrives and telling him sorry but now I realize I'd be upset about it and just didn't have time to fully process. It's incredibly stressful, and even I can't tell if the random jealousy is due to my diagnosis or just my new reality.
I'm tired of feeling forced into a state of dependency on him as I've lost my independence, autonomy and control within our relationship. On the other hand, I have never felt so in love, and I believe that our advanced communication skills, strategic problem solving capabilities and deep compassion for one another mean we just can't give up trying, especially if we've made it this far. I just want us both to be happy. If ANYONE has advice regarding how to address this, please share, and THANK YOU for reading my entire novel to try to help!