poly mentor needed

gabanah3

New member
We feel run down. Haven't had much luck, but still want to give it a shot. Would love someone to bounce our experiences off of and need guidance.
 
that's the sad part.
we don't have any. we go in open minded to every person we encounter. they show an interest in the both of us, then they shift their attention to just one of us.

Ahh, but yes you do have a BIG expectation! That's it right there, what I bolded above - that you have to find someone to be with both of you. And that expectation is huge, and usually impossible and unreasonable in every situation.

Why is that what you want and expect? Is that what you think polyamory is supposed to be?
 
Last edited:
No we know of different ways to have/establish poly relationships. Dating individually is an option as well, just haven't dug into it. We knew that it would be a huge road to go down with adding someone to our relationship. Poly is having the capability to love multiples and that's definitely something she & i are capable of.

Our expectations aren't crazy, nor can they not be reached/met. There are people who have had success with finding their person or people. We just so happen to be a couple who's looking for an even more rare individual in the hay stack. We want this because we like sharing experiences, we want this because we know/feel that someone out there is able and willing to be as awesome as we are and would want to share that. We know that there's someone out there who wants the same thing we want plus some.
 
It's very tricky for one person to be interested in two new people at the same time, the same amount, even trickier still for them to maintain the same level of chemistry and attraction for both. If you ONLY come as a package deal, it's gonna be a lot of searching to find that person, and probably a lot of heart ache. That is a reality you may have to accept; it is going to be more difficult for you than if you both dated separately.

We found someone interested in both of us, though only my partner was looking. Sadly for her I didn't feel an attraction, so it can happen, but it's typically better for everyone if it happens organically and isn't expected or forced. I felt a LOT of pressure to like this other person because she wanted it and my partner wanted it (though I learned he was fine if I didn't). But it was her choice, not ours.
 
thanks for shedding light on that. definitely opened our eyes a little more.


It's very tricky for one person to be interested in two new people at the same time, the same amount, even trickier still for them to maintain the same level of chemistry and attraction for both. If you ONLY come as a package deal, it's gonna be a lot of searching to find that person, and probably a lot of heart ache. That is a reality you may have to accept; it is going to be more difficult for you than if you both dated separately.

We found someone interested in both of us, though only my partner was looking. Sadly for her I didn't feel an attraction, so it can happen, but it's typically better for everyone if it happens organically and isn't expected or forced. I felt a LOT of pressure to like this other person because she wanted it and my partner wanted it (though I learned he was fine if I didn't). But it was her choice, not ours.
 
Your issue is you're Unicorn Hunting.
 
Hi there. I think if you guys are at least a bit open to individual dating then that's really the place you should start. Think of it this way: gaining experiences now, dealing with the insecurities you don't even know you have yet because your relationship hadn't been tested yet, learning to feel relaxed and comfortable with the changes in yourself and your partner that will inevitably come as you explore new people and connections, these are all the things that will stand you in good stead for not only finding this elusive woman you both connect with, but for being ready for her too.

It seems that the best kind of triad are the ones that happen organically. The triad I was involved in stemmed from a relationship my girlfriend started with someone. They dated for a few months before it became apparent that there was a mutual attraction between he and I. Ultimately that experience happened to us right at the start if our poly journey, and I think there were still many issues we hadn't worked through together as a couple and as individuals, which ultimately negatively impacted on that new relationship. Maybe things would have gone more smoothly, or lasted longer with him if we had have been in the place we are now? I don't know. But dating one-on-one is really not a bad thing. It feels scarier initially because you feel like you have less control - but that's the lie of the triad right there: you have no control over the feelings your partners develop anyway. Better to develop the trust required (not just trust that they will always be there for you and present when in the throes of nre, but also trust in their judgement of other partners) when there are fewer variables at play (ie not extra requirements of three way attraction, and extra complications of the metamour you're involved with being a partner who you occasionally are annoyed with for metamour reasons). Besides, in the time it takes for you to find someone who likes you both enough to give it a shot with an inexperienced couple new to open relationships, you both could have had half a dozen good relationships of your own. :)

Hope that helps!
 
The other thing to keep in mind when finding someone is that feelings I find are like the ocean, they ebb and flow, dictating how that person needs to feel right off the bat is another expectation.

*we want partner to want and care about us both equally is expectation I am referring to.

For me personally as the bi female whom is often asked to be part of threesome or unicorn situation, I know that feelings will come at their own time and pace. And that for me taking in two new relationships at once isn't an accurate way to measure how I feel for people. One connection in the couple may be intense and friendly and sexual, and one may be calming, loving and gentle. They will grow and take their course at their own pace.

Also I have an emotional cap on a new person I can invest in while in throes of nre, there is science behind why the brain and body even creates nre. (Dopamine) so you're not only going looking for a needle in a hay stack you're going against biology. Which would definitely limit that finite pool even more, and stop the potentional right person from just feeling what they feel when they feel it and a That Being Ok.

The expectations of
A) I need to be ready for you
And B) I need to be immediately into both of you equally. (How would I even quantify that ?)
Is would what would put me off.

A could be let go of completely to widen your limited pool search,
And B could be altered to, take the journey at everyone's comfortable pace, with the woman expected to be human and have differing feelings but realise that is only true in this moment, not nessecaricarily true for ever.

If I were a couple looking for me, I would search more for a mutual friend that is open minded and without agenda, and if it happens it happens. I would be more into a couple who want to know me long term, want to know me individually and collectively outside what I look like, earn, can do for them, etc. etc.....what can you bring to her she can't already bring to herself? ;)

Go read more than two. ;)
 
Last edited:
I know three people who have been in a vee for 8 years, so 2 people date the same person. The "hinge" lives with Andy but sees Craig regularly. Craig was straight when they met and Andy was bi. Mary is their partner. Just recently, "straight" Andy and bi Craig have decided to make their vee a triad because they have romantic and sexual feelings for each other.

Now none of these people were ever seeking a triad. Their structure has always been open. They all date separately. Their triad formed because the people involved naturally developed feelings for one another, at very different rates. Mary sees herself as having two husbands, one of just over a decade, one just under a decade. Craig and Andy both have a wife of a decade (give or take) and a new boyfriend. What with maintaining the marriages, developing the new relationship between the guys, work, family, friends, I doubt that there will be anyone else significant on any of their horizons, so they will be essentially a closed triad.

I just think it's funny that they have fallen into the very arrangement that unicorn hunters' seek simply by letting things happen at their own pace.
 
I agree that the most likely way to form a triad is when it happens naturally from a V. My meta is in a triad with a couple, but she started out dating just the husband and didn't even identify as bi. But she got along really well with the wife and in time it just grew into a triad.

Of course, if you're open to that, you also have to be careful that you aren't pressuring the other side of the V by saying you hope it becomes a triad, because that isn't going to help the situation. You're better off just hoping to yourself and being comfortable with whatever actually happens.

Sure, you can choose to unicorn hunt if you want, but be prepared for the very likely outcome that you'll never find what you're looking for.
 
thank you to everyone for your responses. we've talked about it and have decided that dating individually would be something to give a shot.

unicorn hunting shouldn't be your main focus dagferi. you shouldn't be putting us down for it either. we know the person that we're looking for is rare and would be extremely hard to find. but from what i've been reading, a lesbian couple wanting to open their relationship up to another person is just as rare.

we're not opposed to dating a bisexual woman, however one hasn't crossed our paths.

we're wising up day by day, learning new things about the poly world that we hadn't known before. all we can do is tell/share our experience and learn from the mistakes that we've made from past failed attempts.
 
Hi gabanah3,

I think you will do fine, just keep studying and learning and keep an open mind about what the future might look like and what might be satisfying to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You could also stop saying things like you're "adding" someone to your relationship. People aren't, as NYCindie says, condiments. That kind of language is, at least for almost all the "unicorns" I know (including myself, when I was one) incredibly off-putting, and says huge amounts about the balance of the relationships, couple privilege, etc. It is the exact mindset that usually burns "unicorns" who agree to try a triad in the first place, and keeps them from doing so ever again (just do a search here on Unicorn, unicorn hunter, triads, etc.--the stories are endless).

If you want any kind of success, you need to throw that notion out the window. Relationships are things developed between individuals. If you haven't already, you really need to read "So someone called you a unicorn hunter."
 
Back
Top