Reply - Part 1
I've been putting off posting on this thread because I wanted to be able to devote the time to it that I think it deserves - so now, of course it is even longer and there is more to address.
I've found it rather ironic that since getting together with Dude and having him living with us I actually get more quality time with MrS and it has led to a deepening and strengthening of our (already deep and strong) relationship.
Dude and MrS were best friends before I met Dude, and MrS and I had been together for 19 years. After 19 years we knew each other pretty well, we had told our stories and shared our ideas and thoughts so often that each of us knew the other pretty much inside and out. We each had outside interests as well as our mutual interests.
Dude and MrS share an avocation and several interests. I work long hours and often they would get together to pursue these - MrS sometimes not getting home some nights until I was in bed (he always called to "tuck me in" and let me know if he is coming home or staying at Dude's and we would share our "experiences of the day")
Now that Dude is here, MrS and he pursue their avocation and hobbies from home - so I actually get to see more of MrS than I did before. Some of these activities are such that I can be with both of them while they are engaged. Talking, touching, bonding etc.
In addition, my relationship with Dude has uncovered previously unexplored topics of discussion between MrS and myself, which would never otherwise have come to light.
...thus why I find there's more quality time for me in monogamy.
Whereas for me - now my husband is home those nights when he previously would have been out with his friend.
It's interesting what you said about just hanging out with someone. You're right that you can't tell someone about your day if you were there the whole time.
I come home and share my day with them, and they share their day with me.
It is important to still do your own things, but it's possible to have your own time and quality partner time at the same time.
I agree completely. It's also possible to have quality time with two people at the same time while having your own time.
Naturally my partner and I do not read together. We read mostly different things and at very different rates. That would be too much of a loss of the individual. We do, however, sometimes enjoy reading near each other at the same time. What this provides in a monogamous relationship is the opportunity to share things as they occur in a way that wouldn't otherwise be possible. Every time either partner reads or experiences something that they find fascinating, the other partner is often nearby and happy to hear about it. Rather than hearing about a number of things in summary later, the opportunity is there to share them a little more in-depth as they occur.
This is also possible with more than one person. Each of us reading our books, or surfing the internet, or watching a documentary and being able to share - in real time - interesting tidbits of what we are experiencing. We are just sharing it with two people at the same time rather than one (for instance, right now MrS is reading the news online, Dude is playing a game online and watching a movie, I am reading/posting here - every so often one of us will pipe up with an interesting comment/observation and a conversation will ensue).
If we're at home working on something, we have the opportunity to interact as we work. She can get my opinion on something or share something she's discovered with me as it happens and vice versa. There's a great deal of intimacy and familiarity in that.
I agree. We get that when we all three work together on something. In addition there is almost always someone available to work on a project if one person is unavailable (or not interested). So each dyad (me and MrS as husband and wife, me and Dude as boyfriend and girlfriend, Dude and MrS as best friends and metamours) has the opportunity to develop this intimacy and familiarity over a shared project and then share it with the third person - whereas before these would have ended up as "solo" projects to be shared with someone "after the fact."
Rather than trying to split our discoveries and understandings between multiple people, we have one person who has heard all of the previous ones who we can also share the new one with.
MrS has already heard my discoveries and understandings that occurred pre-Dude - we've talked them to death. I like talking about them with Dude as a fresh experience (similar to how I do with a new friend) - just like he enjoys sharing his experiences before he met us. New experiences that we three create together build upon these foundations.
I also think that going to a movie on a date is a waste of time, but I don't think going to a movie with a partner is a waste of time. We do not talk while watching a movie or a tv show except for maybe a very occasional one sentence side comment to point out something we really like, but there's still an intimate involvement in the shared experience. I know when she gets excited about something or nearly any of her reactions to various things. In choosing to share the experience of watching a particular movie or show (which of course we don't always do) I can see how she reacts to the new thing. It's not a during-experience conversation that's important to me. It's that I know she has certain kinds of reactions to certain things, and I like being around to see them. I wouldn't be jealous if she shared those reactions with someone else, but I would feel like I was missing out on them. Then our conversations immediately after the movie or show discussing what we thought with the reactions still fresh in our minds would also be lost.
The three of us go to movies together so we get to see each others reactions in real time this way as well. Then we go out for a beer and conversation. I can envision that there may be movies that one of the three of us is not interested in seeing - in which case two can go and they can share with the third when they get back (like going to a movie with a friend and sharing with your spouse when you get home). (In the past - MrS would go to films he know I wouldn't like with our friend's wife who had similar tastes, and our friend and I would occasionally go off and do stuff his wife and MrS didn't like while they watched football - we we hate - so not all of this has to do with poly - friends can have shared experiences as well - I'd have to say that the time spent with other friends has diminished with the poly arrangement - NOT the time spent with spouse.)