WaffleBattleBlues
New member
The short version is I’m in a 20-year mono marriage and my wife has proposed to me that I take a year and explore polyamory, even though she wants nothing to do with it. At the end of the year, I go back to being mono or we divorce.
The Long Version:
The Problem
My wife and I have been in a faithful, monogamous marriage for 20 years. We have one son who is a sophomore in high school.
Recently, I came out to my wife as polyamorous. I’ve read just about anything I could get hold of on polyamory over the last several months and identified with it immediately. I even figured out that I’ve been systematically isolating myself over the years because I do have feelings for other women, but I don’t want to cheat on my marriage.
She tried to get on board with this. She did some research of her own and went to a poly meeting with me.
This morning, she told me she is mono and doesn’t want to be involved with poly. But she accepts that I think I'm poly and proposed I take a year to explore it and decide if I want to remain actively poly or come back and be mono with her. If I choose poly, then we will spend the next year preparing for divorce and go our separate ways after our son graduates high school.
She’s said she doesn’t want an open relationship of any flavor. Rather she wants monogamy only. (I asked)
History
Our relationship over the last 20 years hasn’t been great. The first couple years were OK, but we settled into a rut for the longest time. There’s been no cheating or violence or anything of that nature. Just a long set of blah years.
We discussed divorce back in May, 2016, but didn’t act on it mainly for our son.
BUT, here’s the wrinkle. After coming out to her (December, 2016) and finally using all the wisdom I’ve learned from reading about poly and maintaining relationships, I was finally able to open up to her about everything.
I told her all the silly things I was hiding for no good reason (sexual needs, watching porn and a couple other things that would make you yawn, but were a big deal to me because I've been holding onto some beliefs of my religious upbringing, even though I'm not longer religious.)
This opening up created what I’ve been calling the Relationship Renaissance.
We went from having sex about 7-10 times a year to just about every day for a couple weeks. It’s settled down to once a week, but it’s long and loving and intense. We've been talking more. We've been going out more. I’ve been using the tools like anticipating problems and doing weekly check-ins with her to maintain our current relationship high.
The truth is we are now in a place that neither of us ever thought we'd get to. She certainly didn't since she started planning her departure over a year ago with the idea that as soon as our son graduates, she files.
Concerns
Our relationship, regardless of it’s probable end, has been a success. We’ve built a wonderful life in a wonderful house and city and have a wonderful son. We’ve gotten to a place where we love each other and are willing to understand and accept each other.
It just feels so, so, so, weird to get to this wonderful, happy place in our relationship and still consider ending it.
So, I come to you dear friends, hoping you will help me think this through. I want to cause the least amount of pain and still live and be who I am. Even if maybe I'm completely screwed in the head and fooling myself that poly is something I need.
The Long Version:
The Problem
My wife and I have been in a faithful, monogamous marriage for 20 years. We have one son who is a sophomore in high school.
Recently, I came out to my wife as polyamorous. I’ve read just about anything I could get hold of on polyamory over the last several months and identified with it immediately. I even figured out that I’ve been systematically isolating myself over the years because I do have feelings for other women, but I don’t want to cheat on my marriage.
She tried to get on board with this. She did some research of her own and went to a poly meeting with me.
This morning, she told me she is mono and doesn’t want to be involved with poly. But she accepts that I think I'm poly and proposed I take a year to explore it and decide if I want to remain actively poly or come back and be mono with her. If I choose poly, then we will spend the next year preparing for divorce and go our separate ways after our son graduates high school.
She’s said she doesn’t want an open relationship of any flavor. Rather she wants monogamy only. (I asked)
History
Our relationship over the last 20 years hasn’t been great. The first couple years were OK, but we settled into a rut for the longest time. There’s been no cheating or violence or anything of that nature. Just a long set of blah years.
We discussed divorce back in May, 2016, but didn’t act on it mainly for our son.
BUT, here’s the wrinkle. After coming out to her (December, 2016) and finally using all the wisdom I’ve learned from reading about poly and maintaining relationships, I was finally able to open up to her about everything.
I told her all the silly things I was hiding for no good reason (sexual needs, watching porn and a couple other things that would make you yawn, but were a big deal to me because I've been holding onto some beliefs of my religious upbringing, even though I'm not longer religious.)
This opening up created what I’ve been calling the Relationship Renaissance.
We went from having sex about 7-10 times a year to just about every day for a couple weeks. It’s settled down to once a week, but it’s long and loving and intense. We've been talking more. We've been going out more. I’ve been using the tools like anticipating problems and doing weekly check-ins with her to maintain our current relationship high.
The truth is we are now in a place that neither of us ever thought we'd get to. She certainly didn't since she started planning her departure over a year ago with the idea that as soon as our son graduates, she files.
Concerns
- The Relationship Renaissance is likely not forever. I think I’d be stupid to reject her proposal thinking everything is now fixed and this is how we will be forever.
- I am poly. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. I’ve tried to look at my relationship with my wife as the most important thing in my life and that sacrificing this idea of having more love with other people isn’t worth it. Not working. I’m poly. But can I choose to not practice it and be happy?
- I am poly BUT I’ve never actually practiced it. I could end up on the other side of this alone. Probably not, but my lizard-freak-out brain goes there.
- This rumspringa is a band-aid. It’s something that lets us continue our relationship while I explore my own feelings and sexuality. But it’s a poor one. I think the very first time she accidently (or on purpose) sees me with another woman, my head’s gonna roll. I think we will set up some rules for how this happens and the minute I make a misstep, that will be the end of our relationship.
- Really, what I think is that we are agreeing on a mutual, non-hate-filled separation, just without moving out.
- I feel like regardless of what I do (and I know this is fear-based) my relationship with my wife is over unless I pull back and commit to monogamy.
- I feel, if I commit to monogamy, I’ll end up right back in the same place we were in May, 2016, only this time it won’t be a carefully considered separation and divorce, but one filled with anger and hurt. I feel like I will have given up trying to live an authentic life to crawl back into a fantasy (relationship renaissance) that could not possibly survive.
- I think I could divorce her and still find happiness.
- I think I might be able to stay with her and find happiness too, but the stuff I've been reading seems stacked against that.
Our relationship, regardless of it’s probable end, has been a success. We’ve built a wonderful life in a wonderful house and city and have a wonderful son. We’ve gotten to a place where we love each other and are willing to understand and accept each other.
It just feels so, so, so, weird to get to this wonderful, happy place in our relationship and still consider ending it.
So, I come to you dear friends, hoping you will help me think this through. I want to cause the least amount of pain and still live and be who I am. Even if maybe I'm completely screwed in the head and fooling myself that poly is something I need.