Polyamory Rumspringa

The short version is I’m in a 20-year mono marriage and my wife has proposed to me that I take a year and explore polyamory, even though she wants nothing to do with it. At the end of the year, I go back to being mono or we divorce.

The Long Version:

The Problem
My wife and I have been in a faithful, monogamous marriage for 20 years. We have one son who is a sophomore in high school.

Recently, I came out to my wife as polyamorous. I’ve read just about anything I could get hold of on polyamory over the last several months and identified with it immediately. I even figured out that I’ve been systematically isolating myself over the years because I do have feelings for other women, but I don’t want to cheat on my marriage.

She tried to get on board with this. She did some research of her own and went to a poly meeting with me.

This morning, she told me she is mono and doesn’t want to be involved with poly. But she accepts that I think I'm poly and proposed I take a year to explore it and decide if I want to remain actively poly or come back and be mono with her. If I choose poly, then we will spend the next year preparing for divorce and go our separate ways after our son graduates high school.

She’s said she doesn’t want an open relationship of any flavor. Rather she wants monogamy only. (I asked)

History
Our relationship over the last 20 years hasn’t been great. The first couple years were OK, but we settled into a rut for the longest time. There’s been no cheating or violence or anything of that nature. Just a long set of blah years.

We discussed divorce back in May, 2016, but didn’t act on it mainly for our son.

BUT, here’s the wrinkle. After coming out to her (December, 2016) and finally using all the wisdom I’ve learned from reading about poly and maintaining relationships, I was finally able to open up to her about everything.

I told her all the silly things I was hiding for no good reason (sexual needs, watching porn and a couple other things that would make you yawn, but were a big deal to me because I've been holding onto some beliefs of my religious upbringing, even though I'm not longer religious.)

This opening up created what I’ve been calling the Relationship Renaissance.

We went from having sex about 7-10 times a year to just about every day for a couple weeks. It’s settled down to once a week, but it’s long and loving and intense. We've been talking more. We've been going out more. I’ve been using the tools like anticipating problems and doing weekly check-ins with her to maintain our current relationship high.

The truth is we are now in a place that neither of us ever thought we'd get to. She certainly didn't since she started planning her departure over a year ago with the idea that as soon as our son graduates, she files.

Concerns
  • The Relationship Renaissance is likely not forever. I think I’d be stupid to reject her proposal thinking everything is now fixed and this is how we will be forever.
  • I am poly. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. I’ve tried to look at my relationship with my wife as the most important thing in my life and that sacrificing this idea of having more love with other people isn’t worth it. Not working. I’m poly. But can I choose to not practice it and be happy?
  • I am poly BUT I’ve never actually practiced it. I could end up on the other side of this alone. Probably not, but my lizard-freak-out brain goes there.
  • This rumspringa is a band-aid. It’s something that lets us continue our relationship while I explore my own feelings and sexuality. But it’s a poor one. I think the very first time she accidently (or on purpose) sees me with another woman, my head’s gonna roll. I think we will set up some rules for how this happens and the minute I make a misstep, that will be the end of our relationship.
  • Really, what I think is that we are agreeing on a mutual, non-hate-filled separation, just without moving out.
  • I feel like regardless of what I do (and I know this is fear-based) my relationship with my wife is over unless I pull back and commit to monogamy.
  • I feel, if I commit to monogamy, I’ll end up right back in the same place we were in May, 2016, only this time it won’t be a carefully considered separation and divorce, but one filled with anger and hurt. I feel like I will have given up trying to live an authentic life to crawl back into a fantasy (relationship renaissance) that could not possibly survive.
  • I think I could divorce her and still find happiness.
  • I think I might be able to stay with her and find happiness too, but the stuff I've been reading seems stacked against that.

Our relationship, regardless of it’s probable end, has been a success. We’ve built a wonderful life in a wonderful house and city and have a wonderful son. We’ve gotten to a place where we love each other and are willing to understand and accept each other.

It just feels so, so, so, weird to get to this wonderful, happy place in our relationship and still consider ending it.

So, I come to you dear friends, hoping you will help me think this through. I want to cause the least amount of pain and still live and be who I am. Even if maybe I'm completely screwed in the head and fooling myself that poly is something I need.
 
Hi WaffleBattleBlues,

If you go for this poly rumspringa idea, you'll have to be prepared for the possibility that if you decide to switch back to monogamy at the end of a year, then you may have to break up with one or more poly partners that you have. Anyone you date, make sure they know that that's the rule you have to follow. It would be really crappy to spring that on them as a surprise when a year is up.

Honestly, you don't seem too thrilled about this rumspringa idea. You see it going to bad places. Such as, "the very first time she sees me with another woman, my head's gonna roll," and, "the minute I make a misstep, that will be the end of our relationship." So, this bad ending seems all but inevitable to you.

Maybe instead of a year of physically exploring poly, the thing to do is take a year to think about poly. And to think about whether you can stand mono. And to find out how long the "Relationship Renaissance" lasts (or if it will last at least a year). Then at the end of a year you be the one who decides whether you and your wife will divorce.

You don't seem to be overly averse to the idea of divorce. You believe you could "divorce her and still find happiness." So I wouldn't suggest taking huge steps to avoid a divorce. Instead, take awhile to think about it, knowing that the alternative is giving up the possibility of polyamory in your own life.

These are some of my thoughts on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IMO The least amount of pain is to dissolve now. The idea that you might set up a successful " poly simulator " and get lucky enough find the right partner quickly enough to get past the NRE phase to get a more objective prospective how everything feels is a long shot.

Also a one yr trial is going to be a yr of drama and or pain, tortured discussions upon discussion for what??? And from just your side of the coin. Your wife having no interest will have no motivation to make this easy in fact maybe the opposite. Will that be an accurate picture. I dint think so.
So at the end of the yr you may not actually be much closer to " knowing " logistically and emotionally how it feels to be poly.

What drove you to this point was a failing or fading marriage. Poly isn't got to fix that in the one yr experiment it's only going to make the cracks wider.

Why waste a yr. Divorce as soon as you can.
 
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Thanks

Thanks kdt26417 and dingedheart. I'll think on both of these.

I can say that I tested the waters a bit this evening with her. I bought up that I really didn't want to lose our current level of love and playfulness during this year of living poly. I also asked her how much she wants to know about dates I might go on or women I might meet.

At first, she said she didn't want to know. But I told her that I wanted to be able to talk about this with her. I still want to have a relationship with her during this time. I said that if this was a test, then we can't act like our relationship is over. She agreed and eventually agreed that we should continue with our relationship as it is during this time. And we will deal with whatever emotions come up.

One thing I want to point out is that we really are talking to each other really well. I'm not forcing her to do anything. She's not giving me ultimatums. She isn't exactly happy that I want to pursue poly, but she seems to have both our best interests at heart.

I have to say that kdt26417 brings up a point that occurred to me earlier. If I do decide to go back to mono, there is the potential of hurting someone that I will care about at that time. Which means I need to make a point of being open about it in the first place. I want anyone I date to know what's going on and why. And I'll just be prepared to lose dates over it. I just hope the temporary nature of it won't be fatal for every potential relationship.

Divorcing now is not an option. Neither one of us wants to divorce while my son is still in high school and living with us. If it must happen, it will happen after he moves out to go to college.

I am troubled by the "poly simulator" idea. That I need to find a partner and get through NRE to a point of objective perspective in order to know poly. Is that really polyamory? Or is it just having a relationship, poly or not? I've been through NRE with my wife. I still found love with her after NRE. I even found a renewed love with her after years of just hanging on.

So, I think I've seen the relationship part. The part I'm missing is having multiple relationships at the same time while finding balance, love and happiness. I don't expect to do this exactly right the first time.

I expect to screw up and cause pain and deal with drama and difficult discussions. I think working through these things with multiple people is really poly. It's not all NRE and sex. Like any relationship, it's hard work, mainly on myself, just maybe not going against my own nature in order to achieve balance.

And BTW, yes I do hear myself. I have this perspective with no actual experience in poly. I'm hoping the skills and experience I've gotten out of mono will translate to poly and allow me to develop new skills specific to poly.
 
My first thought was that if she is sure she wants nothing to do with poly but you two remain together during this year, the damage may be done even if you decide to go back to monogamy. Her feelings towards you might change if she sees/hears about you being intimate/loving with another person. She may end up distancing herself.

So, are you willing to hurt potential partners? Are you willing to risk the relationship entirely if she realizes 2 months in that SHE can't go back? Are you willing to take these risks on the off chance that while you're poly-capable, you're not actually poly-in-practice?

There are a lot of ifs. I wouldn't do anything unless I were willing to walk away from wife entirely.
 
One yr to explore poly....I called it the poly simulator. What is it you think you need to know or experience ? what is that you're missing in your marriage ?

My point about NRE is under its influence you might agree to donating a kidney but later regret it. With the clock ticking and your deadline nearing in the throws of full blown NRE I'm not sure an objective decision could be made with all the complex factors at play.

You might want to read up on NRE and poly hell because there closely tied together. It might be a good idea for your wife to read up on poly hell as well.
There are many threads that highlight the thoughtless missteps during the NRE phase. However sometimes the damage can't be undone. People lose respect, affection, and love for a spouse under those conditions and then it becomes a matter of self respect.

Your right it is hard work but it's not exactly like any relationship. It's exponential math. There's always a ripple effect. Everything effects everything. Time, attention, energy, money are zero sum .

In many for these poly relationships it seems to be a lot of settling and cobbling.
What is it you're looking for or need from additional romantic partners?
 
I have read the other posts and I think that:

The old relationship that you had with your wife is over...regardless.

..my wife has proposed to me that I take a year and explore polyamory, even though she wants nothing to do with it. At the end of the year, I go back to being mono or we divorce.

It sounds, to me, like she is giving you a year to "get it out of your system." I, personally, don't think that it works that way. At the end of the year, if poly didn't work then you still wonder if it WOULD have worked with different people under different circumstances. (For the Record: I was with MrS for 19 YEARS before Dude came along, as the first real candidate for LTR/life-mate...despite me IDing as poly all along.)

This morning, she told me she is mono and doesn’t want to be involved with poly. But she accepts that I think I'm poly and proposed I take a year to explore it and decide if I want to remain actively poly or come back and be mono with her. If I choose poly, then we will spend the next year preparing for divorce and go our separate ways after our son graduates high school.

She’s said she doesn’t want an open relationship of any flavor. Rather she wants monogamy only. (I asked)

She "doesn't want to be involved with poly" but is willing to let you try it for a year? That makes her "involved" with poly to a HUGE degree. Look, read through these boards, it is REALLY HARD for many people to transition from monogamy, even when BOTH partners are actively trying VERY HARD to make it work. Is she really prepared to put up with all the "poly-hell" type scenarios only to have you choose against monogamy at the end?

...I think the very first time she accidently (or on purpose) sees me with another woman, my head’s gonna roll. I think we will set up some rules for how this happens and the minute I make a misstep, that will be the end of our relationship.

I think that this is HIGHLY likely. Many of us who think that we are ready, who think that we will be fine, find that we AREN'T when the time actually comes. How much moreso for someone who isn't invested and doesn't WANT it to work?

...the Relationship Renaissance.

We went from having sex about 7-10 times a year to just about every day for a couple weeks. It’s settled down to once a week, but it’s long and loving and intense. We've been talking more. We've been going out more. I’ve been using the tools like anticipating problems and doing weekly check-ins with her to maintain our current relationship high.

The truth is we are now in a place that neither of us ever thought we'd get to.

A re-connection is lovely, there was a reason you two got together in the first place. It seems like you are now revisiting those reasons - maybe even discovering new ones. BUT, if you have fundamentally different ideas about how you want your relationship to look from this point on...? This may be a "parting is such sweet sorrow" type of situation.

It just feels so, so, so, weird to get to this wonderful, happy place in our relationship and still consider ending it.

But, really, when you think about it, is ending things on a positive note such a bad thing, after all?

...I am poly. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. I’ve tried to look at my relationship with my wife as the most important thing in my life and that sacrificing this idea of having more love with other people isn’t worth it. Not working. I’m poly. But can I choose to not practice it and be happy?
[*] I am poly BUT I’ve never actually practiced it. I could end up on the other side of this alone. Probably not, but my lizard-freak-out brain goes there.

These two go together for me. You can't actually predict the future, there is no insurance policy or crystal ball:

Maybe you choose your wife and monogamy and at the end of your life you look back and say..."what if"? "I could have had something fantastic and settled for merely OK. I wasn't true to myself and I regret it."

OR

Maybe you choose poly and let your wife move on. She find a new Mono partner and lives happily ever after and you spend the rest of your days searching for poly partners who never live up to your expectations...You say to yourself: "Man, I never knew how good I had it...I had love, and I let it go for a dream."

OR

Maybe you choose mono and your "Renaissance" blossoms into the open and honest, clear and beautiful Romance that it could have been if you had only opened your eyes. That poly was your answer to something that you thought was missing in your current relationship...but only because you were too constrained to risk it.

OR

Maybe you choose poly and go on to have many beautiful long- and short-term relationships with wonderful and lovely women while appreciating your now-ex-wife for all that she taught you and the wonderful son that you had together.


[*] Really, what I think is that we are agreeing on a mutual, non-hate-filled separation, just without moving out.

THIS seems very likely to me. People don't need to hate each other to get divorced/separate. It's OK if they have just come to different places. A relationship doesn't have to be "forever" to have been a "success" - as you said here:

Our relationship, regardless of it’s probable end, has been a success. We’ve built a wonderful life in a wonderful house and city and have a wonderful son. We’ve gotten to a place where we love each other and are willing to understand and accept each other.

Maybe you just...?quietly disengage - start separating finances and obligations for the preparation that when your son graduates you will go your separate ways for the next stages of your lives. No hate. No rancor. Share time, attention, dates, sex...until you don't...Maybe knowing that you get to "poly" at a set date in the future you agree to "mono" until then? Maybe, the more you poly, the more she disengages? There are NO rules, you (and she) get to decide how this goes.



[*] I feel like regardless of what I do (and I know this is fear-based) my relationship with my wife is over unless I pull back and commit to monogamy.

I don't know that this is "fear-based" - it is a reality that even bringing up poly changes the dynamic between you and your wife. Even "pulling back and committing to monogamy" doesn't put the horse back in the barn.

*******************************************

I have "cut and pasted" a good deal here, feel free to correct me if I have taken anything out of context.
 
Firstly, let me congratulate you both on being among the most brilliantly handled "poly problems". There really seems little to add to the communication given that the two of you are at ground zero and appear to be handling this mismatch with a very balanced view that considers both of you without unncessary drama or martyrdom.

I have some observations and suggestions if they help you in any manner.

To begin with, your wife really needs some major appreciation for the manner in which she is supporting you in your self discovery, even if your relationship is allegedly EOD with divorce appearing prominently in the near past as well as future plans.

Many things are changing with your renaissance as well as the added freedoms that will come with your son no longer living with you.

"Blah" is not necessarily a bad relationship. Sometimes we have so many things going on other fronts that we simply don't have time for what is not broke. And yet apparently over a decade of neglect or mediocrity never made either of you uncaring/disengaged enough to have major conflicts. Sounds to me that even if it lacked dazzle, it met your needs.

She tried to get on board with this. She did some research of her own and went to a poly meeting with me.

This morning, she told me she is mono and doesn’t want to be involved with poly. But she accepts that I think I'm poly and proposed I take a year to explore it and decide if I want to remain actively poly or come back and be mono with her. If I choose poly, then we will spend the next year preparing for divorce and go our separate ways after our son graduates high school.

This is a good solid clear statement made after consideration of the information available to her. This information is also changing. I bet it hadn't factored in a hot lover as opposed to a blah husband. This is not to say you can count on her changing her mind, but it is possible she could revise her opinion after more experiential information. She is of her own initiative offering you a trial year of polyamory. That says a lot. Mainly that she too will be observing and evaluating even though right now she doesn't seem to see it as acceptable for her - ever.

BUT, here’s the wrinkle. After coming out to her (December, 2016) and finally using all the wisdom I’ve learned from reading about poly and maintaining relationships, I was finally able to open up to her about everything...This opening up created what I’ve been calling the Relationship Renaissance.

The more openly you speak with each other, the less guarded you are, the more the high in a relationship. Catch, of course, over here being that it will also involve accepting more and more of the other that includes the side of the other causing the conflict. It could result in conflict or a middle ground being found, depending on how the two of you handle it.

We went from having sex about 7-10 times a year to just about every day for a couple weeks. It’s settled down to once a week, but it’s long and loving and intense. We've been talking more. We've been going out more. I’ve been using the tools like anticipating problems and doing weekly check-ins with her to maintain our current relationship high.

I totally enjoy how the two of you put each other and the relationship as a priority. This is a massive plus not found easily in the world. And certainly not with the kind of effortlessness the two of you seem to have.

The truth is we are now in a place that neither of us ever thought we'd get to. She certainly didn't since she started planning her departure over a year ago with the idea that as soon as our son graduates, she files.

You having "come out of the closet" and the two engaging with fewer barriers and secrets is a big factor in the new intimacy. You can be yourself and she doesn't sense currents influencing you that are unknown to her. This is a side-effect of accepting that you were poly openly. And to some extent she has to realize that it is a package deal. As in, she can't realistically expect you to deny that side of you and remain uninhibited. In other words, the guy she's finding so hot these days is a poly guy, even though her stated want is monogamy.

I am poly. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. I’ve tried to look at my relationship with my wife as the most important thing in my life and that sacrificing this idea of having more love with other people isn’t worth it. Not working. I’m poly. But can I choose to not practice it and be happy?

I don't know. It is up to the individual I guess. I'm poly. I was recovering from a bad marriage, had a disabled kid and broke. I had no time or interest for lovers at all. But I created a very happy home anyway. Then Spexy came into my life. I wasn't looking for him. I'm happy with him. I'm not looking for anyone else. But who knows, maybe I'll meet someone or ones more who will enrich my life. I guess it is different for different people. For me, love/sex/relationship isn't the sole source of happiness in life. Nor is "x" number of relationships a source of it. I simply believe that I can love whoever I feel love for without worrying about the number. Perhaps in another time and with different domestic/life situation, I may more actively seek someone if I feel the need. But I still don't think not finding someone would make me unhappy despite having Spexy and my son and my precious joyous home.

Though, on the other hand, if I were not "allowed" to be close to someone I felt close to, I think that would make me unhappy. That too could happen for many reasons and not necessarily monogamy - for example commitments in separate cities means Spexy and I meet far less often than we'd like to. It makes both of us unhappy at times when a visit that is going really really well needs to end because "it is time for him to leave".

I am poly BUT I’ve never actually practiced it. I could end up on the other side of this alone. Probably not, but my lizard-freak-out brain goes there.

If a poly didn't find suitable partners, does he cease to be poly? What is the time duration to assess alone? Getting a partner in five minutes? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades? I'm not trying to be pseudo-esoteric here. It is a vague fear. More useful would be to get a clearer idea of how soon you need a partner to not feel "alone" and find out. You have a year :)

This rumspringa is a band-aid. It’s something that lets us continue our relationship while I explore my own feelings and sexuality. But it’s a poor one. I think the very first time she accidently (or on purpose) sees me with another woman, my head’s gonna roll. I think we will set up some rules for how this happens and the minute I make a misstep, that will be the end of our relationship.

I don't think anyone can predict what will happen. Though I find it difficult to believe your head will roll given her remarkably balanced response to your poly-disclosure so far AND her offering you the space to find out. This does not sound like someone given to hysterical reactions (though I think it is very popular to accuse women of those). I do think given how communication seems to be working so well for improving your relationship, including her in your process of discovery will likely result in her seeing poly as less of a threat to her expectations from your relationship.

I mean obviously on the front of her knowing what to expect. "I'm planning to meet ABC for dinner tonight. Nervous. I really want this to work. And I don't want to hurt you. No pressure. lol". But also your introspections and worries - for example what you are telling us as concerns :)

Really, what I think is that we are agreeing on a mutual, non-hate-filled separation, just without moving out.

Possible. That seems where she was headed even before your disclosure. But I suggest not loading too many perceptions of how it concludes while beginning a trial.

  • I feel like regardless of what I do (and I know this is fear-based) my relationship with my wife is over unless I pull back and commit to monogamy.
  • I feel, if I commit to monogamy, I’ll end up right back in the same place we were in May, 2016, only this time it won’t be a carefully considered separation and divorce, but one filled with anger and hurt. I feel like I will have given up trying to live an authentic life to crawl back into a fantasy (relationship renaissance) that could not possibly survive.
  • I think I could divorce her and still find happiness.
  • I think I might be able to stay with her and find happiness too, but the stuff I've been reading seems stacked against that.

Our relationship, regardless of it’s probable end, has been a success. We’ve built a wonderful life in a wonderful house and city and have a wonderful son. We’ve gotten to a place where we love each other and are willing to understand and accept each other.

It just feels so, so, so, weird to get to this wonderful, happy place in our relationship and still consider ending it.

So, I come to you dear friends, hoping you will help me think this through. I want to cause the least amount of pain and still live and be who I am. Even if maybe I'm completely screwed in the head and fooling myself that poly is something I need.

I think you're doing fine. This is something you live through and discover where it goes. Depends on whether you think the gamble is worth it. Pickle a stagnating marriage with NRE over what isn't allowed in it? Seek a possibility your heart longs for? Perhaps have both, if it the year is enjoyable for her too?

Occurs to me that you perhaps, have excellent incentive to ensure your existing partner is much loved as you get into new relationships.
 
My story is similar to yours. I was living with, then married to, a guy for over 30 years. I made the mistake of living monogamously with him while knowing I was poly (and bi) the whole time.

Back when we met in college (1974) the word polyamory didn't exist. There was the "free love" movement and I'd had sex with 11 people before meeting my husband. I still felt like I was somehow wrong for having a "roving eye" and living a life of fantasy where I would get crushes on others and imagine having sex with them, while supposedly committed to one man. I never physically cheated. I still felt "bad" and even sometimes "evil" for somehow not being happy with my "nice guy" husband. I was going on the premise you sowed your wild oats in your teens/early 20s, and then found Mr Right and settled down. Why couldn't I do that?

We started living together in college. After college we married, 10 years later we had 3 kids. He is a nice guy, and we had much in common that made our relationship "work," at least on the surface, for a long time.

But he has low self esteem, and is very perceptive, and always knew when I got a crush on someone, whether a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, or some celebrity that I liked to fantasize about. He would get jealous. He would do passive aggressive things to punish me. I would try and hide my crushes, to placate him or "protect his male ego," but it never worked.

We also had sex rarely for a long time, especially when the kids were younger and we were both exhausted from childcare and careers.

Finally in my late 40s or early 50s I joined a V Bulletin group where I was in a private world away from my husband. I found great pleasure there in flirting with several men.

Eventually I focused on one particular man as my main interest (while continuing to flirt with the others). This was before smart phones and texting, so he and I would PM each other on that board. We ended up sending each other pix of ourselves by email. One day I messed up and left a shirtless pic of the guy open on my PC, and my husband saw it. Finally the cat was out of the bag, I stopped denying my poly nature, and my husband and I stopped all the denial and passive aggressive stuff, and let the chips fall where they would, openly communicating, warts and all.

It led to increased intimacy between us, and a year of daily intense hour-long sex! (It wasn't our first "renaissance," but our third... we went through a lot of ups and downs in 20+ years.) But he was also mad at me, and still jealous, and he stopped kissing me, or saying I love you, or calling me pet names.

I was starting to build a more independent life at the time. I moved out of our master bedroom and made a guest room my own. (I'd go to the master bedroom for sex, but loved having my own pretty feminine space to meditate, read and sleep.) I traveled to see platonic friends, down to Florida, out to Oregon. I was "finding myself" as me, not as one half of a relationship.

I was still so stubbornly trying to "save our marriage." I felt I needed to tell myself I'd "tried everything" to save it. We entered counseling again. But it was no good. I knew I could no longer deny my true nature. I wasn't getting any younger, and I needed to be my authentic self.

Even though we were having incredible sex, even though we were comfortably well off, living in a nice big house, with nice things in it, even though our kids were now in their late teens, but still living at home, I couldn't go on. We split. I was the proverbial bird in the golden cage.

Well, I just never knew what I was missing, settling all those years for a partner who was 60% good for me, 40% not good. I found a new partner soon after we split (on OK Cupid). She is also bi/pansexual, and had been poly her whole life. She happens to be 22 years younger than me, and so not "old school" like my ex h. 8 years on we are still deeply giddily in love.

I've lived the poly life ever since (while still with the woman I was so lucky to find right out of the gate) and it's been so good to be free to be fully myself. I can't even find words to say how good, and how worth it, it has been. I've met and dated a lot of men (many of them younger than myself, since I felt 25 again) and had great sex and some love too, wonderful experiences. I love making my fantasies come true. My ex and I are of course, still co-parents, and now grandparents. We split amicably. We keep in touch, we are quite friendly. He has a mono gf whom he lives with, and I'm sure it's less torturous for him.

I hope my experience and "happy ending" encourages or inspires you just a little. I wish the same happiness for you.
 
The End

Wow! I'm so grateful that so many people have stepped up to help me out. Thanks!

Thanks to Magdlyn for her story. It does help me a lot since I feel a bit anxious about what's next.

And I think anamikanon gave me a better perspective on my wife's view of all this. You're right she does deserve major appreciation for accepting me and supporting me.

And JaneQSmythe hit it very close to the mark, with this:

Maybe you just...?quietly disengage - start separating finances and obligations for the preparation that when your son graduates you will go your separate ways for the next stages of your lives. No hate. No rancor. Share time, attention, dates, sex...until you don't...Maybe knowing that you get to "poly" at a set date in the future you agree to "mono" until then? Maybe, the more you poly, the more she disengages? There are NO rules, you (and she) get to decide how this goes.

My wife came to me this morning feeling like something wasn't right. She said this little rumspringa idea just didn't seem to stack up against reality and experience. (Smart girl. smarter than me, really.) We talked through a lot of stuff. I brought up stuff you guys said here which made a lot of sense to me.

To make a long story short, we've decided to separate. Really what we decided to do was conduct our relationship in the way we want that works for both of us. That means we will stay together and maintain our household for the next couple years while our son finishes high school. But we will be working on separating finances, assets, household, etcetera. (My wife is a planner. This will get done on time. And I'm a rules-follower, so as long as it's clearly agreed to and written down, there's unlikely to be too many mistakes.)

Effectively, our relationship is now open. We still need to talk about ground rules for dating, which we are going to write down and agree to. But there's no year-long poly rumspringa anymore. I'll go my polywog way and we will maintain a relationship that works for both of us.

We still love each other. We still want to be part of each other's lives even though we won't be living together after a couple years. We may even stay married because neither of us wants to marry again and we don't really see an upside to having a formal divorce.

We will work out the details and some of this is subject to change, of course. But we both feel like a weight is lifted off us. This decision feels right.

I really didn't see this coming. I was just anxious about her proposal, not seeing a way how this could possibly not end up in divorce with a lot of high emotions along the way.

I feel like this is the best result for us and I'm so happy I was able to talk it out here on this forum.


Thanks again, everyone. :)
 
Great. I am so glad our information and support helped you start to think more realistically. I hope you continue to make progress with a minimum of heartache.

I will add one thing: it can be hard for married poly men to find women willing to date them. Many women will think you're cheating. Being a divorcee might be a benefit and broaden your dating pool quite a bit.
 
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