Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

A unicorn is generally ...

  • a bisexual woman,
  • joined to an M/F couple (where the male is heterosexual and the female is bisexual),
  • equally in love with both members of the couple,
  • secondary (where the couple is primary),
  • a secret part of the couple's life,
  • never introduced to the couple's families,
  • living in the couple's home,
  • financially dependent (where the couple is financially independent),
  • young (younger than the couple),
  • childless,
  • the couple's babysitter for free,
  • the couple's maid for free,
  • partnered with the couple only,
  • sexually exclusive with the couple,
  • available for sex whenever the couple wants it,
  • used for threesome sex only (where the couple can have one-on-one sex with each other),
  • celibate whenever couple says so (for any or no reason, and for as long as the couple wants),
  • subject to veto power at any time (for any or no reason),
  • vested with no veto power.
The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.
 
a unicorn is generally?

A unicorn is generally ...

  • a bisexual woman,
  • joined to an M/F couple (where the male is heterosexual and the female is bisexual),
  • equally in love with both members of the couple,
  • secondary (where the couple is primary),
  • a secret part of the couple's life,
  • never introduced to the couple's families,
  • living in the couple's home,
  • financially dependent (where the couple is financially independent),
  • young (younger than the couple),
  • childless,
  • the couple's babysitter for free,
  • the couple's maid for free,
  • partnered with the couple only,
  • sexually exclusive with the couple,
  • available for sex whenever the couple wants it,
  • used for threesome sex only (where the couple can have one-on-one sex with each other),
  • celibate whenever couple says so (for any or no reason, and for as long as the couple wants),
  • subject to veto power at any time (for any or no reason),
  • vested with no veto power.
The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.
A unicorn is generally ...


ok, so i'll have to seriously consider these "stipulations" seeing as i recently fell into (at least what is said to be) a similar situation.

1. didn't know we were bisexual until a little too much tequila was involved and since then we've had the best sex of our lives (by ourselves and with my/our husband)
2. 1 answers that question
3. we have made it quite clear amongst ourselves that we love each other equally and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together
4. my husband and i are the "couple" and have been married for 12 years but we have all known each other about the same amount of time and realized that we loved each other at the same time (about a year ago. we have been calling each other momma, daddy, and baby ;)
5. she just moved in with us but i'm pretty sure after so many years our families (which are mostly conservative, but we don't care) are gonna figure out that we are together
6. all of our families have been friends for years (even celebrating holidays/etc.)
7. after our "wife" (Baby) decided to get divorced from her husband she moved in with us
8. she is sorta financially dependent cuz she is in the middle of a divorce but we share the bills/expenses by percentage of income (tx to research of how others do it plus common sense)
9. not younger, actually older (i am 34, my husband is 33, and she is 37)
10. not childless (she has 2 kids and we have 4, they were born and grew up together and have been basically family already)
11. we share babysitting duties based on who's home/working
12.maid for free? that's kinda rude, we all clean (cook, whatever) as needed and when we have time/energy
13. we are only partnered together, of course things may change in the future but we have discussed this and at this time we would consider it cheating if we looked outside of our triad which none of us wants to
14. we are sexually exclusive
15. as in any relationship sex isn't a a bargaining chip, if we want it we need to make sure they do to, i wouldn't want someone to force me to have sex so i wouldn't do that to someone else. usually we 3 are together.
16. the word "used" here is key, she is not a sex slave, we love/care about each other. yes we have threesomes (which i am getting used to), yes i still have sex with my husband, yes i have sex with my wife/gf/"baby," and yes and would/do let my husband sleep with her too but its still way too new and we are just getting used to feelings/logistics.
17. celibate whenever the couple says so? that really sounds horrible, but unfortunately that has been the way its been :( hopefully once we work the kinks out we we feel for free to have sex with whoever we want to whenever we want (at least until the tricky legal/divorce stuff is over and the kids are used to us all being together, its definitely a fine line we have to walk). ideally, i want us all to sleep in the same room every night and i guess the sex will just hopefully be natural depending on who wants it at the time.
18/19. when it comes to day-to-day decisions we all have an equal vote and my husband and i even let Baby have a bigger voice sometimes so she knows she is just as important and that we love her just as much. when it comes to my husband and i's long term joint accounts (mortgage/student loans/etc.) we legally have to make the decisions together with her input when appropriate. she definitely has veto power when it concerns our relationship/life/well-being. we care about her enough to take her feelings/needs into account with every decision we make.

i think this was mostly an exercise for me to even really understand what i am getting myself/ourselves into. we are extremely new to the lifestyle (considered it about 3 months ago and became serious a month ago when she moved in). really, i didn't even know much about it until over a week ago and started gathering information (i don't know how much they know, probably not as much because i am a serial researcher). we all just knew we loved each other and felt like we could be in a relationship together forever :) now, when i look at my life when i'm old i see three rocking chairs instead of two and the more the merrier i say.
 
I've heard it said that someone can count as a unicorn even if only a few items on "my list" apply to them. Regardless, supergreat, I don't think you're treating "your unicorn" badly or unrealistically, so I think you're okay. :)
 
Hey supergreat,

It sounds to me like you've got a healthy mindset, but that you've found yourself in a situation that can be a real minefield. I applaud you for taking the time to think it through critically, and to not just say "this couldn't POSSIBLY apply to me/us!!!", which is what a lot of people seem to do. I highly encourage you to read this essay, if you haven't already -- http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

A couple more suggestions based on six years of reading people's stories here:
- Consider separate bedrooms if feasible. One for each of you would be ideal, but some other arrangement would work if there aren't that many rooms (which I imagine there aren't). It's just that three people sleeping in a single bed and living out of a single room can feel very, very crowded after long enough, and it can be nice for there to be a separate space for someone to retreat to if they just want a little breathing room.
- Consider being flexible on the excusivity part of your arrangement. After all, you and your husband opened up your relationship and found your wife because of it. Now she's becoming integrated into a life that wasn't built for her, and building new relationships with two people who have a MUCH longer history between them than she has with either of them. That can feel a bit alienating, despite everyone's best efforts, and there may come a day when she wants to start something new with someone who isn't already attached at the hip to someone else. Is it really fair to not allow her the same freedom that you two allowed each other at the start of all this?
- Consider what will happen if/when she discovers that she clicks more, either emotionally or sexually, with one of you than the other? No two relationships are the same, after all. So, what if she and your husband maintain a passion for each other, but you and she do not? Is she kicked to the curb in that scenario? Is that fair, when it would break both her heart and his? If it's not fair, then how do you plan for the possibility (this comes back to my point about separate bedrooms)? Obviously it could work the other way as well. Just something to think about as a serious possibility.

Best of luck!
 
I'm in a V - not a triad - but one issue we made sure to confront once we decided we were thinking long term was retirement and death. As a legal partner, you and your husband have rights that your girlfriend does not. It's important to make sure everyone's financial well-being is looked after. My husbands both have life insurance policies that pay out to me, and mine is split 50/50 between them. As far as 401(k) accounts, we made sure to talk about those and decide how to direct those funds as well. What about pre-existing savings? Does she get a portion of those if things turn sour? Are you opening up savings accounts with her in mind as well? What about educational plans for her kids - if you are going to raise them together with your children, are the college funds going to be equal? Are either of you going to have more children? If your husband passes away, will there be paperwork in place so that her children will inherit the same as your kids with him? Or will there be a clear delineation between the households in that way? What if she were to pass suddenly - would her children go back to the ex and you have zero visitation rights? Might not matter to you now, but in a few years it could be devastating.

Definitely spend time thinking about this. It isn't fun or sexy, but I think it is super important. End of life planning can cause so much drama, and you don't want it to come as a shock after someone dies that stuff isn't worked out already. And what seems obvious to one person might not be to another.
 
. . . we are extremely new to the lifestyle (considered it about 3 months ago and became serious a month ago when she moved in).
Are you saying she moved in with you after only two months of dating? Did you know her longer than that? I ask because having someone you only know for two months move in with you is a recipe for disaster. Oh, yes, you can read the Blogs here to find out.
 
Are you saying she moved in with you after only two months of dating? Did you know her longer than that? I ask because having someone you only know for two months move in with you is a recipe for disaster. Oh, yes, you can read the Blogs here to find out.

From above:

My husband and i are the "couple," and have been married for 12 years, but we have all known each other about the same amount of time, and realized that we loved each other at the same time (about a year ago...).

So the married couple had this female friend their entire married life. 1 year ago they both fell in love with her and vice versa. A couple months ago, she moved in with them.
 
I don't mind the term unicorn hunter!

It seems like a lot of people hate that term, but it's what me and my wife are doing. We're hunting for a new dynamic to our relationship.

I'll be the first to agree, 'the couple and their girlfriend' concept never works. When we start 'hunting' we look for somebody that is doing to help us grow. We don't make a checklist, then make sure she conforms to it. While dating we both individually date her. It doesn't have to be the three of us. It doesn't have to be mine turn or your turn. We just let it happen. Wife and gf want to go out to dinner but I have to work late, well it turns into dinner for two. Yay for them!

Once we get to the point of a actual relationship that person is equal. We have veto rules but it's with all three of us. 2 vs 1, the 2 always wins no matter who those two are. As far as introducing them to family and friends, we do! I'm lucky that my family is very accepting to our lifestyle. My wife's family on the other wasn't. At first they raised nine kinds of hell, but with time they've really have come around. For our partners, we've always let them decide if and when to tell their family. We support them on whatever they chose.

When it comes to money, we have the same rules for each other. Everyone has permission to buy any household NEEDS. Everyone has permission to purchase any WANTS under $75 without any questions. Of course, we all have to take precautions when we do this (i.e. Check bank accounts and upcoming bills and expenses). For WANTS that are over $75, we all must approve. Also we have a 3 day waiting period for for large purchase. Just to keep our impulses to a minimum.

We've been in three triads in past few years. Admittedly, these didn't work out, but neither do most relationships. One moved away (S), one couldn't deal with the thought of her family finding out (C), and the other just kinda fizzled out after a few weeks (A). I personally feel that there was no harm in trying these. When the time came for these to end we were all mature about it. We're still friends with each of them.

S lives about 2000 miles away, but we (each) chat with her once or twice a month.

C lives literally about 1 mile away. We speak to the least, we suspect her now husband isn't totally comfortable with our history. That's an assumption we've made, honestly we don't know if he knows or not. It could very well be that she's just busy with life (marriage, kids, work).

A is over at our house almost weekly. Just as friends and often brings her boyfriend with her.

In closing I'd to remind couples searching for a unicorn of a few things.
1) unicorns are people, not objects.
2) stop asking every bisexual friend to join your relationship.
3) most of our relationship started with ladies who didn't know they were bi.
4) communicate communicate communicate
5) if you're going to bring someone into your current relationship, consider what that means for your children and her children.
6) it's not one relationship! It's three; A+B, A+C and B+C
7) treat the incoming partner just as you would wanna be treated if you were in her shoes.
8) search for love not lust. If you want lust that's great, but that's called a threesome. Don't try to justify it as a relationship. Be honest with you intentions


-d
 
It can be beautiful, I think finding the correct person.."....

Oh dear! LOL

Well, I have been thinking of making a post saying what I am and what I'm seeking...

But suffice it for now to say that I'm a hot bi woman looking for a couple/family that I can have sexual and emotional imtimacy with. So... I guess I am a unicorn. LOL

And Ygirl, why is my point of veiw refreshing? LOL. I think it's simply naive. 0_0

As mentioned above, we had a beautiful and rich relationship with a very special woman. Our family and friends accepted her as part of our happy family. We just increased our circle of love.
More on this later, must run now, ciao for now
 
I am a bit sorry that the reception they get may be keeping them from becoming senior people. I may be missing it but it doesn't seem that we see a lot of "Oh gosh! We didn't realize we were being thoughtless and silly! Thanks all for pointing it out so thoroughly!" Then again maybe they just go to lurking and take new names when ready to post.

Leetah
 
A unicorn is generally ...
The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.

Thanks Kevin, I used your list in another online discussion today. It was very helpful - which is to say that it sure got the conversation going!

I got attacked by the poly-noob as expected, but also by a 20 year triad member who likes being called a unicorn and found the list offensive. Ugh. Yes, I get that 20 year ago when your organic triad formed it was great and you felt like a unicorn, but most people aren't so lucky!
 
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Glad to be of help A2P. ;)
 
I was the unicorn in a relationship and I fit most of that list at the time. Oh well lesson learned and now working my butt off to be sure the girlfriend V and I share doesn't end up like I was. One big difference is we have told her if someone comes along and she wants to date them she is free to. We won't stop her from dating or loving others. Another difference is Tabitha is older than V and I are and not nearly as naive as I was.
 
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I have confidence in you StumblingAlong; you'll do fine.
 
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