Mono-Poly relationship woes

Sipstar

New member
I am mono. My fiance is poly. The other woman he is interested in happens to be from my past. She was the other woman in my marriage, and my husband kicked me out and divorced me so he could be with her. They are now in the middle of a divorce themselves.

I can accept his love style, but his choice of person is proving to be rather difficult to wrap my head around.

I guess I'm looking for validation. I'm not crazy for choosing to stay with him, that maybe it'll all be ok and I won't get my heart broken.

For around six months this summer she lived with us. I call this time "the dark ages" because I had a mental break down, and he and I nearly broke up on several occasions. Now that she's out of the house, I find it much easier to cope when he goes to see her, but I still get an attitude with him when he returns.. But he says I'm better than I was earlier this year.

We're supposed to get married before the end of the year.
 
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Did he get involved with her before or after he got involved with you? At what point did you realize who she was? Did you let him know, at that point, that she was a "messy" person as far as you were concerned?

I'm not sure you have been advocating well for yourself.
 
1) Put off getting married until this is sorted out. Lose your deposits if you have to. Do not get married now.

2) Dan Savage has this idea that one way people show us how compatible they are with us is to show good judgment.

Choosing a relationship with the person who was part of your divorce from your husband is not good judgment. I assume he knew the role she played in your life? In fact, that's shitty judgment and outright cruelty. In theory, everyone in a poly relationship should be able to connect with whoever they want to. In reality, there are often people on what GalaGirl calls a 'messy list' - i.e. people that would be awkward at best if one's partner became involved with them, like exes, children, former spouses, coworkers, etc.

And you all tried to live together with someone who had contributed to your divorce? No wonder you had a breakdown! Does your partner just expect you to cope with whatever he decides to do in relationships? Are you supposed to suck it up and deal? Was there any negotiation or discussion?

It is totally ok to have a boundary that you will not be involved with someone who makes such painful and cruel decisions about relationships. It is basically true that you cannot tell your partner what to do about this other relationship. What you can do is tell him that her presence in his life is too painful for you and that you are removing yourself from his life. You control what you decide, what you do.

I realize you don't want to leave this relationship. But - and you already know this - this miserable situation is VERY unlikely to end well. Your partner shows horrible judgment and a profound cruelty to your well-being. She seems also inherently cruel - who goes and dates another partner of someone whose life she had a hand in blowing up? That's borderline stalker behavior.

Honestly, let them have each other. Get out.
 
Hello Sipstar,

I am actually worried that history will repeat itself: that this other woman talked your husband into kicking you out, and now she is going to talk your fiancé into kicking you out. In both scenarios, the men are at fault for letting her do that, but then they are at fault in the first place for getting involved with her. Of course, I am assuming it's all her idea, and maybe it isn't, maybe she didn't talk your husband into anything, maybe he did that all on his own. I'm just saying that would be an added worry if I were in your shoes.

Is there any special reason why your fiancé picked out that particular woman? Just wondering. In any case, I hope we can help you figure out what to do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Oh my god this is unbelievably cruel. You aren't wrong for being hurt. Please don't marry this man.

You can't handle this situation and that is ok. I don't think most people could handle it. I certainly couldn't. You had a mental breakdown over it. Your mind has sent you a clear message that you can't deal with this. Please don't do this to yourself. No one deserves to be destroyed like that.
 
Don't marry unless this gets resolved.

Did your fiance know who she was when he got involved with her? If yes, dump him already.

If no, why did you reconcile after you nearly broke up with him several times when she lived with you?

If your fiance was not aware of who she was AND if she initiated the relationship knowing he was involved with you (initiating is more than who speaks about it first - a lot of inviting can happen on one/both ends before one gives it words), it may be useful to consider that she may actually be hooked to competing with you and be interested in your fiance because he is your fiance. If so even if you have to dump your fiance, I'd recommend doing it after dealing with her first, or she will simply haunt your next relationship.

Why is it that your fiance is in a relationship with the one specific person who has caused you a great deal of distress and insecurity about being in a relationship? Is your partner sending you a message? Is he pulling your strings by keeping her around, so that you're tiptoeing around him in order to not lose him?

Even if this is not about you and they are genuinely in a relationship because they like each other, why is the relationship continuing in the face of your distress while also allegedly giving you enough importance that he is marrying you? May be worth considering that you are better off without such a man any way.
 
Wow. :eek:

That would be just too messy for me.

I think there are enough people in the world to poly date without going after "messy people." Some are permanently messy. I do not need my spouse dating my mother, sister, or or boss. If he and my mom date? That's just too weird for a LOT of the family and yargh. If he dates my boss and he and boss fight or break up, I do not need them taking it out me and me losing my job. Why risk a mess like that? What joy does that bring? I want to lead a joyful and happy life. Not be enduring my life.

Some are temporary messy list people. Do not date kid's teacher while they teach kid. Too messy. What if they argue and teacher takes it out on kid when kid did not do anything? That's not right. Once kid moves on to another grade, and some times passes... then perhaps the teacher becomes "dateable" again.

He does me this favor -- avoid my messy people list. I return the favor and avoid his. I don't date his brother, dad, boss, etc. I think that is perfectly reasonable. It's not a veto. It's just common sense -- don't date messy people from the beginning!

I would put "my ex husband's cheating affair partner" on my mess list for sure!

If I were your partner? And I didn't know it at first so started dating her... but then when I learned who she was? I would have ended it with her out of respect for you and a desire for no drama in our shared life.

I would not have kept seeing her much less moved her in with us. What kind of business is that? :mad:

For around six months this summer she lived with us. I call this time "the dark ages" because I had a mental break down, and he and I nearly broke up on several occasions.

Understandable that you had a mental breakdown. This is a truly messy person for you to be around!

Listen to your feelings telling you that you are BEYOND your limit of tolerance. Walk away from these hurtful people.

This situation brings no joy to your life. :(

Now that she's out of the house, I find it much easier to cope when he goes to see her, but I still get an attitude with him when he returns.. But he says I'm better than I was earlier this year.

Well, you aren't having mental breakdowns. But you still don't sound happy or in a healthy place with your current partner choosing to keep going with previous cheating affair woman.

I would ask him to break it off with her. If he doesn't? I would end it with him. Do not get married.

Being with a partner should not bring you so much ugh and yuck. It doesn't sound joyful here. And it should be joyful during the engagement time. It's supposed to be looking forward to marriage and making happy life plans. Not such glurk. :(

It's ok to have some people on your list of "I want nothing to do with them. EVER!" You have to value your mental health and well being above all.

I would say ex-husband's cheating partner who is now fiance's GF? That's one of those super messy people.

I would say a fiance himself who brings messy people from the past into your current life? That's another messy person on the list now.

Disappointing to learn this, but better now than after marrying him.

It's not only perfectly OK to not want to associate with certain people.. sometimes it is NEEDED so you can be helathy and safe.

I have several on my list. I want nothing to do with them and I don't want them coming around here -- some are abusive ex husbands of my friends, some are weird relatives who are all into drugs.

I imagine it must be a huge disappointment to see your fiance taking up with her. I think he is kinda disqualifying his own self from your inner circle with this behavior.

If you cannot trust the man you are gonna marry to have the sense to stay away from horrible people from your past? Don't marry him. Walk away.

When he does things like this... I don't think that makes him trustworthy.

Galagirl
 
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I am mono. My fiance is poly. The other woman he is interested in happens to be from my past. She was the other woman in my marriage, and my husband kicked me out and divorced me so he could be with her. They are now in the middle of a divorce themselves.

I can accept his love style, but his choice of person is proving to be rather difficult to wrap my head around.

I guess I'm looking for validation. I'm not crazy for choosing to stay with him, that maybe it'll all be ok and I won't get my heart broken.

For around six months this summer she lived with us. I call this time "the dark ages" because I had a mental break down, and he and I nearly broke up on several occasions. Now that she's out of the house, I find it much easier to cope when he goes to see her, but I still get an attitude with him when he returns.. But he says I'm better than I was earlier this year.

We're supposed to get married before the end of the year.


Were you poly with your husband prior to being kicked out??? Did you know this women and Was she a cowgirl ?

Was she directly responsible for you having a mental breakdown or was it just the situation ?

How long have you been dating your fiancé ??? And how have you been engaged ?
 
When I wrote this post I wasn't sure what I would be told. The truth really sucks to hear. Everything you've said shocked me but not because it isn't true... I know I should get out. It's not an easy thing to just do.

There were questions. I will do my best to answer each one.

Powerpuffgrl1969: "Did he get involved with her before or after he got involved with you? At what point did you realize who she was? Did you let him know, at that point, that she was a "messy" person as far as you were concerned?"

We've always known who she was. I knew her in high school, my fiance met her as my ex's wife. She came to me for support when she left my ex because I originally tried to warn her that he was abusive. (I have a history of staying when I shouldn't. At one point I thanked her for getting me out of the abuse.)

opalescent: Does your partner just expect you to cope with whatever he decides to do in relationships? Are you supposed to suck it up and deal? Was there any negotiation or discussion?

At the beginning, she and I had been friendly. He originally asked permission, and I said maybe in the future. However I worded it, he misheard or misunderstood and started pursuing her that week. After I realized what had happened, I brought it to his attention and he started seeing me as an aurhority figure telling him what to do, and he rebelled. At the time all I could do was suck it up and cry myself asleep or leave, and I actually had the plans together to leave when he gave in and kicked her out. For several months she was living in her car, he had zero contact with her.

About two weeks ago he brought it to me that he wants a "toy". Someone he could be sexual with, and generally go hang out with. Somehow this "toy" ended up being my ex's wife. Essentially she believes they are having an affair. She's dating another man and she doesn't know that I know..

kdt26417: Is there any special reason why your fiancé picked out that particular woman?

Actually yes. She and I used to get along. She and I are honesty extremely similar, but where we differ we are exact opposites. We even share the same birthday. Example, I cook and she cleans but she can't cook and I can't clean. I don't blame him for wanting a partner like that I just wish it wasn't HER.

dingedheart: Were you poly with your husband prior to being kicked out??? Did you know this women and Was she a cowgirl ?

Was she directly responsible for you having a mental breakdown or was it just the situation?

How long have you been dating your fiancé ??? And how have you been engaged ?

I was not poly with my husband, I don't know what you mean by cowgirl.

She saw that I was upset but she never did anything about it. Most women describe my fiance as a drug, with me being the exception. I believe it was mostly who she was abd the fact that she lived with us. I am a very anti-social person, so just having her there was a stresser for me.

I met my fiance five years ago, and we've been together ever since. He introduced me to the world of polyamory and I tried to do it, but eventually accepted that that's just not me.

I cant give an exact date. We've always talked about getting married, but sometime this year we agreed it would be before the end of the year. I've allways wanted a small private thing, and he finally agreed. Basically eloping.



On a side note, I thought I would mention that he says he is actively looking for another woman to replace his current "toy" with, and when he does he will completely drop her. It's up to me to believe him. How he's acting, I'm inclined to believe him but I also know he has lied in the past to save me from getting hurt.
 
1) Put off getting married until this is sorted out. Lose your deposits if you have to. Do not get married now.

2) Dan Savage has this idea that one way people show us how compatible they are with us is to show good judgment.

Choosing a relationship with the person who was part of your divorce from your husband is not good judgment. I assume he knew the role she played in your life? In fact, that's shitty judgment and outright cruelty. In theory, everyone in a poly relationship should be able to connect with whoever they want to. In reality, there are often people on what GalaGirl calls a 'messy list' - i.e. people that would be awkward at best if one's partner became involved with them, like exes, children, former spouses, coworkers, etc.

And you all tried to live together with someone who had contributed to your divorce? No wonder you had a breakdown! Does your partner just expect you to cope with whatever he decides to do in relationships? Are you supposed to suck it up and deal? Was there any negotiation or discussion?

It is totally ok to have a boundary that you will not be involved with someone who makes such painful and cruel decisions about relationships. It is basically true that you cannot tell your partner what to do about this other relationship. What you can do is tell him that her presence in his life is too painful for you and that you are removing yourself from his life. You control what you decide, what you do.

I realize you don't want to leave this relationship. But - and you already know this - this miserable situation is VERY unlikely to end well. Your partner shows horrible judgment and a profound cruelty to your well-being. She seems also inherently cruel - who goes and dates another partner of someone whose life she had a hand in blowing up? That's borderline stalker behavior.

Honestly, let them have each other. Get out.



I hope you read that again. Can't be said much better.
 
So now we have a person who looks at women as "toys" for sexual play.

And someone who has also lied to you.

All I can say is sometimes our hormones can have us derailing our dignity.
 
  • [*]I have a history of staying when I shouldn't...
    [*]I brought it to his attention and he started seeing me as an aurhority figure telling him what to do, and he rebelled. At the time all I could do was suck it up and cry myself asleep or leave, and I actually had the plans together to leave when he gave in and kicked her out......
    [*]he wants a "toy". Someone he could be sexual with, and generally go hang out with. Somehow this "toy" ended up being my ex's wife. ...
    [*]Most women describe my fiance as a drug....
    [*]he is actively looking for another woman to replace his current "toy" with, and when he does he will completely drop her. ...
    [*]Leaving is a scary thought. I find myself trying to defend him

Each of these is a giant, waving red flag.
 
Leaving is a scary thought. I find myself trying to defend him. Love is a funny thing I guess.

I can understand leaving being a scary thought. You may have things entangled if you had been planning on getting married that will take time to untangle if you choose to leave.

I can also understand wanting to defend him. You still love him. You don't want to leave, maybe you just want the poor behavior to stop.

But it isn't stopping. So... caught between a rock/hard place. :(

Be careful. If he views people as "toys"... you might be one of them. :(


You deserve to be treated WELL. I'm sorry that is not happening here. :(

Galagirl
 
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Re (from Sipstar):
"I don't know what you mean by cowgirl."

A cowgirl is a woman who pretends to be fine with a poly situation she's in (such as your husband dating her, as long as you knew and consented), but covertly she plans to "lasso your husband away" and keep him for herself.
 
Re (from Sipstar):


A cowgirl is a woman who pretends to be fine with a poly situation she's in (such as your husband dating her, as long as you knew and consented), but covertly she plans to "lasso your husband away" and keep him for herself.

This is correct and I would add that nobody can lasso anyone without that person's very willing cooperation. This goes for affairs as well as poly situations. Nobody can take anyone's emotional involvement away from a relationship unless that person wants to be taken. "Cowgirls" really don't exist, IMNSHO. It's just one more term that we have for the demonization of the way in which we fear women's sexual power. Witches, sirens, fallen women, cowgirls - all seem to have the power to sexually lure unsuspecting men away from their otherwise upstanding lives. :rolleyes: There's a whole lot of cooperative intention and behavior coming from the man, as well, otherwise the situation wouldn't even be happening.
 
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While I don't have a lot of experience in the poly world, I'm no stranger to relationships. I give you huge props for trying to make this work. But like others have said, I would seriously question the heart of someone who claims to love you AND chooses someone who has been an itegral component in your heartbreak.

Blaring red flags, sista.
 
Welcome to the Forum!

Welcome.. Please relax and let this place sink in a bit!
Drink something soothing while reading and sharing, not alcoholic please, eat something while at it too. Take care of self, sleep plenty.

Listen to the ladys experience.
And my hat goes into the " Run away and don't look back for a bit" bucket! Incase you are wondering you know... About your situation. Yeah it's not easy... We understand... Most of us have been it, seen it, or it's coming, you know( crazy situations we get into).

Again welcome, I'm Rockit!
 
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