Peace and joy and love

Once A Day... Hmmm. Once a day.... Hmmm. Hmmm....

Wow! That would be 365 times a year. Seven times a week!
 
I went to women's group yesterday and I have to say I'm a little envious of those in the group who have sex 2-5 times a day! Admittedly I don't have time for 5 times a day (or the desire for it either). But once a day would be nice for sure ;):D. Got to turn off those electronic devices more often I think.
Hmmmm, sorry sweets, that would of been me. I could hear crickets after I said it and then someone moved on.... I'm not ashamed, but I am sorry if this was a surprise :(
 
Feeling unsafe in the community

Over the past few months I have been receiving attention from a man in the poly community who is much older than me. I have no interest in dating him whatsoever. I have been pleasant in conversation with him but in no way flirtatious. Since the summer the comments have progressed from simply comments that he thinks I'm cute to almost constant suggestions of wanting to see me nude ect.

A couple of days ago I very very bluntly told him that the comments that he was making were unwelcome and they were making me uncomfortable. The next 2 comments over IM were: I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. followed by, if I get out of line you can spank me. So I told him that was exactly the kind of innuendo that made me uncomfortable and ended the conversation there.

I thought I had blocked him on FB chat but my first attempt didn't work and the next day he started talking to me again. At first the conversation was very normal with no innuendo or anything and I was thinking "good, he got the message. I can relax". Then out of nowhere (we had been talking about work schedules) he asked me; how would you feel about a shower for 2?

At this point I'm feeling completely unsafe. I *know* he's not listening to me and has no respect for my boundaries. I'm worried about when I'm going to run into him in person and what he might do in person. I really had no idea of what to do.

During this time I'd been telling my husband what was going on. Despite my arguments that I wanted to take care of things by myself and not get the wife of the person in question involved (as it isn't her fault that her husband is behaving like this). My husband did contact her and I got an apology from him and a promise to stop. I still have him blocked on chat as I don't trust him farther than I can throw him.

It pisses me off that it took someone else stepping in for what I was saying to be taken seriously. Whatever happened to no means no? I know a lot of women play hard to get and maybe that's part of the problem. After being told directly that the sexual attention is unwanted that should put a stop to it. It shouldn't take another man talking to a man for a woman to be taken seriously. Regardless of how glad I am that it's over (for the time being) I feel like a child who needs to be taken care of rather than a grown adult who can speak for herself.

I'm glad my husband did step in. Otherwise it probably would have continued into physical touching. And as much as I think I would have smacked him for it likely I would have just left the situation rather than cause waves. I don't want to be afraid of causing waves. Poly does not mean available to anyone at any time. I want to feel safe in the community and that my personal boundaries will be respected.
 
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Sorry all of this happened Derby. Hopefully something good will come out of it in the form of learning for him. Sad that this kind of stuff can put an awkward rift in our already relatively small community ;(
 
I wouldn`t take the 'stepping in' to personally. I don`t think it`s about you being a child ( I understand you said you FEEL this way, not appear,..) so much as the fact that some people just don`t get it until they are out-numbered.

This happens to all walks of life. It`s the negative version of the 'voting system', and some don`t see the error of their ways until more then one person comments, reprimands, etc.

Once out-numbered, or out-voted they back off. We all need back-up now and then. :)
 
I'm sorry you had to go through this.... I find a lot of men don't get it. Its like when they are online, they have lost the filter that they otherwise would have.

Delete and block is a good method - but its hard to delete and block someone in real life - especially if he's attending similar events.

I am usually grateful when hubby steps in for me at that point. I get to the point of not being polite, and having him there to keep the peace allows me to maintain my cool.

I know I can take care of myself, but I do appreciate the 'protector' in my husband.

(((HUGS))) to you.
 
While I realize the motive behind your husband stepping in I disagree that the situation warranted anyone stepping in without your consent. I knew what was going on and to me it seemed you were weighing up your options. You seemed to be handling the situation just fine. If you had asked me to say something I was MORE THAN READY. Grrrr. I was pissed! And doing my best to just listen and empower you.

I'm also not sure talking to his wife was the best option. I know if I were her I would of preferred to of heard after the situation was dealt with, not asked to "deal with your man."
 
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For the past couple of days I've been thinking about why things go sour so quickly when people break up. I have a theory that we tend to store things up in our memories that bother us about the person who we were in a relationship with that bother us. Now these things don't seem to be important enough to talk about at the time because they really are just little things. It's easy to let things slide because all the good things in the relationship outweigh the things that aren't so good. Never the less those things that we don't agree with or that have caused us to feel hurt or misunderstood are still there.

So when people break up it seems like the statement of the breakup is like breaking the dam holding back all that pent up negativity. So breakups end up being so much more hurtful than they have to be. Somewhere and sometime not all that long ago you loved each other so why go out of your way to do and say things that are purposely hurtful?

I guess this means I should really talk about things that bother me when they bother me, even if they are only little things. I don't want to one day end up in the position of lashing out after a breakup. I love my partners and more than that I like and respect them as the people they are. I don't want to have pent up stuff inside that's just itching to get out. (And no, there's nothing specific on my mind right now. This is just a thought that will hopefully lead to more self awareness).
 
I think there's a lot of truth in that.

We let things slide until we can't. And then, usually (for me anyhow) there's an eruption of everything that has been bothering me.

So it makes sense that when two people break up that it would happen as well.

:)
 
I have had many break-ups in my lifetime, having been single until I was 39. But I can honestly say that not every break-up sucked or even went sour, for that matter. I've had some great break-ups, in fact. In those cases, we talked and came to a mutual decision, and it was sad but not a mess. Sometimes all that stuff that builds up just fades away, and isn't important anymore. It is possible to move on without lots of drama, pain, and grief.
 
I'm feeling helpless. RP is going through a breakup and there's really nothing I can do to make it better. There's no instuction book on how to make it easier. It sucks and my heart hurts for her.
 
Its okay sweets. You are doing great at being supportive and understanding. All of you are. I just need time to my self and to freak out a bit. Be glad you don't live with me ;) I'm not that nice a person to live with right now. I know you are worried and want to help, but really, everything that you are doing is great. I love that you check on me, listen to me and remain stead fast and strong where I cannot right now.
 
There seems to be change in the air lately. But it's happening all around me and not to me. It makes me wonder if I should be on alert to it being my turn. People are getting married, people are splitting up, people are having babies and people are coming to the end of their lives. And it all seems to be happening withing the last month.

So here I am with everything being really stable wondering how long the calm can last. I like calm. I like no big life events happening to me. I'm a pretty typical Libra that way. I don't thrive on the drama. Who knows though, maybe it's just because of the calm that I'm more aware of what's going on for other people.

I guess the most difficult thing with all the changes are the mixed emotions a lot of them bring. Internally I'm all over the map. I think at one time things were simple, life events happened (to me or to other people) and I knew how to feel about it. Lately it seems that there isn't an easy emotional answer to anything.

There's a women's retreat coming up that due to timing I can't go to. I really wish I could though because I could use the time away to just be in my head about things for a bit. I can't really do that in my day to day life because my brain power is busy being diverted elsewhere. I know this is all very vague but it's very vague in my head too :D
 
So I haven't written in a really long time on my blog. I read redpeppers latest entry this morning and it got me to thinking that really no one knows what's going on for me. It seems that unless something is really bothering me that I just keep things to myself since I can work it out and it doesn't seem worth bothering others with my stuff, especially when mine seems so minor in comparison.

I do get afraid and angry and jealous just like anyone else. I'm not the best at sharing negative emotions when I'm in the midst of them though because I haven't yet learned how to do it in an appropriate way. I end up saying and doing things that I regret. And then once I've worked through it myself there doesn't seem to be much point in talking about it since whatever inner turmoil I had has been resolved and bringing it up might just cause others distress.

I'm also not the best at coming up with what is going on for me on the spot. As bad as it sounds I'm not that in touch with myself. I know if in general I feel good or I feel like something is off but it takes a lot more thought for me to be able to put my finger on specific emotions and their causes. Hmmm maybe I need to be sent home with homework assignments to write out my feelings :D. I also have the non-violent communication book in my office. Although I know the principles of non-violent communication I'm not entirely sure that in the heat of the moment I would be able to adhere to that style of communication. I have been known to be quite nasty when I'm upset.

It's not my intention to put up walls, at least not between myself and others. I think that maybe subconsciously I have put up walls between my thinking and feeling self. I'm not entirely sure how to go about changing that.
 
I've been in that space myself, just holding things in, until it gets so uncomfortable and hot I burst.

I think you should probably start by being honest, with yourself. If something really does bother you, accept that it bothers you, and write it down. A part of my internal changes have come from accepting that I am, in fact, bothered by certain things. I'm not stoic. I have pretended to be stoic from 6th grade up until age 20. Then I lost my mother. And the dam broke.

No one is safe. I do have a filter but if something needs to be said right away you damn right I'm saying it. Not only that, if you voice what's going on with you, people can know instead of assuming.

And clearly people do want to know. Trust in that.
 
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