Telling someone I'm poly and the problems that brings...

rolypoly

New member
I’ve had this experience a few times. I’m involved with someone in a poly arrangement. We go out dancing. A guy hits on me.

Ok, then it gets complicated.
What I want: To be able to move past the novelty, confusion and misrepresentations about poly.
What actually happens: Telling a guy I’ve just met that I am involved with someone, but we’re poly often translates into, “I’m open minded and therefore have no boundaries, so anything goes. Now you have permission to put your paws all over me because I’m one of those girls”.

I have so far never found myself in a poly circle where I meet someone new and we can move past the assumptions that poly=slut. Just because I’m involved with someone else, but open to others does not mean I want to move from “Hi, what’s your name?” to making out in the corner in one hour!!!!

It does mean that I am interested in talking to you and finding out about you. Connecting with people is a huge part of what feeds me, but it is often non-sexual. Getting to a sexual level often takes me a while. Of course! I would like to feel free to talk about my S/O, (within reason, of course) because that person is part of my life. And you are free to talk about your interests, potential S/Os, etc. And I would like to move as slowly with you as I did with the person I am in a poly relationship with!

I want to move past the initial stage of adopting poly as a lifestyle, ie: I’m in a primary relationship where I find my stability, so now I can fuck around freely because my “serious” needs are met. All secondary relationships are loose and casual.

Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!

I would like to start being around more poly circles. I would like the people I meet to know that I am falling in love with 'R' and still be considered in the same way I would be if I were single. In other words, not defined by him and my relationship with him. I would like to remain a separate person. Please get to know him as him. Yes, we have a lot in common and many points of contact with each other, but you will have different and unique points of contact with him. Please explore the ones that emerge between you and I separately from the ones that emerge between you and 'R'.

Another thing that happens is I start to feel shallow with the romance of NRE. 'R' and I held hands and kissed for the first time a few days ago. So, meeting this guy at the party who cuddled with me, he said similar things like, “your hands are so soft”, etc.

I don’t want to only be a shiny new toy with soft hands. I want to know your bliss, desires, fears. I want you to be real, have integrity, do real-world things with your life. I don’t want to get lost in your sea of zen-like non-attachment, which for me translates into you not knowing what you want from life and having less ambition than what feeds me.

I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!
 
I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!

Polyamory is still relatively under the radar, unfortunately. But MUCH more awareness is entering our culture/s.

The problem your post seeks to address is one of the best reasons/arguments for polyamory activism in the form of public / social education. There ought to be fliers, posters, billboards saying:

I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!

Maybe some national / international poly orgs could fundraise for a radio ad? That would help!
 
I am wary about telling people for the same reasons, because a lot of people think it means I'm a sex-starved nymphomaniac who wants to find as many people to have sex with in as short a time period as possible.

I don't even identify AS "poly". I identify as a married person who is open to becoming involved in other relationships but is not actively seeking "partners".

I have already done the whole "experience the people" thing.
 
I want to move past the initial stage of adopting poly as a lifestyle, ie: I’m in a primary relationship where I find my stability, so now I can fuck around freely because my “serious” needs are met. All secondary relationships are loose and casual.

WOW! This comment is very interesting but I can't figure out why. Maybe because I see truth in it for some people...very cool, something to think about.
 
River said:
Polyamory is still relatively under the radar, unfortunately. But MUCH more awareness is entering our culture/s.

Yay for that!
 
a lot of people think it means I'm a sex-starved nymphomaniac who wants to find as many people to have sex with in as short a time period as possible.

Exactly!!!! There is a middle ground.

Especially among men, who unfortunately are socialized into respecting another man's "territory". My experience with men has been that they back way off when I say I'm in a relationship. Then, they come back full force when they learn that it's in fact, a poly relationship.

Instead of understanding the potential shades of grey that can be explored, they seem to react as if the - pardon my bluntness - circle of urine that they perceived surrounded me is no longer there, but with the added perception that now I'm of a different breed. As you say, the "sex-starved nymphomaniac" breed.
 
Mono,

Please note that after the part you quoted she said: "Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!"
 
Mono,

Please note that after the part you quoted she said: "Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!"

Oh I didn't mean that I thought Roly wanted that..but I think it's an avenue of thought to explore inside my underemPloyed brain LOL! I

Sorry Roly:eek:
 
What actually happens: Telling a guy I’ve just met that I am involved with someone, but we’re poly often translates into, “I’m open minded and therefore have no boundaries, so anything goes. Now you have permission to put your paws all over me because I’m one of those girls”.

Perhaps you should hold off laying it all out on the table with people that you've just met.

IMO, it's not necessary to explain in a bar what your worldview is upon meeting someone you find attractive. If there is a connection, and you take some time to establish the connection, and you feel the person does respect you, then it might be time to have a conversation about poly.

It sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for people to have this wrong impression of you by being too eager to share your views. I'm sure it's done out of a desire to be honest and up-front. Regardless of what relationship style you subscribe to, it seems to me that in the beginning, before you know what the person is all about, it is wise to hold your cards close to the chest until you have a better sense of them.

I don't mean to be offensive, but if I were a person in a bar you'd just met, and you came at me that way, I'd take it as a here and now challenge.
 
I have so far never found myself in a poly circle where I meet someone new and we can move past the assumptions that poly=slut. Just because I’m involved with someone else, but open to others does not mean I want to move from “Hi, what’s your name?” to making out in the corner in one hour!!!!


Sounds like the next time you go out among those circles, you should be wearing this tank top:

http://polytees.spreadshirt.com/poly-bi-kinky-A5097991


:D
 
Perhaps you should hold off laying it all out on the table with people that you've just met.

I don't mean to be offensive, but if I were a person in a bar you'd just met, and you came at me that way, I'd take it as a here and now challenge.

Ya if it happens to me with people I know relatively well, I can see how it could be taken as a "here and now" proposition with someone you just met in a bar.

(Off-topic a bit: I met my husband in a bar.)
 
YES! I love that shirt! LOL! I would not be caught dead wearing it anywhere in my little community of 300 residents. But, hey, if I'm ever strutting around a city, I'd wear it.

Rarechild, YGirl: I definitely hear what you're saying. It brings up the question, which I'm sure has been discussed of when does one disclose that they're poly?

The reason I disclosed that I'm poly in this specific situation is because I had just spent the night dancing with 'R' at the Hallowe'en dance and this guy came up to both of us and then to just me later on. I wanted it to be clear, first off, that 'R' and I are involved. I admit, I had no idea how to manage the rest of it.

I can definitely see how, in a bar, telling someone right off the bat seems like an invitation. The dynamics change significantly when you're on an island with so few people. Literally, holding hands with someone in front of people on Saturday means that by Tuesday, half the island thinks you're a couple.

I guess there's a bit of coming out shyness woven into my frustration in my original post. I'm someone who I consider to have a lot of integrity. I am a die-hard environmentalist, cyclist, activist. I've taken care of people's kids, I teach kids. So, I'm afraid of the black or white reaction many people have towards poly, (she's either an standup member of our community or a sex-craved slut).
 
Rarechild, YGirl: I definitely hear what you're saying. It brings up the question, which I'm sure has been discussed of when does one disclose that they're poly?
[...]

I guess there's a bit of coming out shyness woven into my frustration in my original post. I'm someone who I consider to have a lot of integrity. I am a die-hard environmentalist, cyclist, activist. I've taken care of people's kids, I teach kids. So, I'm afraid of the black or white reaction many people have towards poly, (she's either an standup member of our community or a sex-craved slut).

I am definitely feeling your shyness, but moreso, I'm detecting (as much as one can from text disembodied from the whole person) that you may be projecting your own feelings onto others in because this is so new too you.

There seems to be a few internal conflicts going on here.

As to when the time is to tell someone's what's up- I guess there's no right answer to that. I prefer knowing someone as a friend first, and if feeling are developing beyond that friendship, then it's time to make clear where you're coming from if it is clear that the relationship is headed in a romantic direction. Of course, in some cases the person will already know you and may know that you are poly from the get-go.

This was not an answer, I know. I'm pretty new to this myself. So far, I have found opportunities to talk about poly in general, and then if the other person seems accepting of this, then there's an opportunity to discuss it as it relates to a relationship.

What I do know is that the way you feel about it yourself is a huge factor in how others will perceive it.

Island, eh? Mind me asking which island? That may be too personal, just curious.
 
you may be projecting your own feelings onto others in because this is so new to you

This is very possible.

Thank you for the insight. I agree, I much prefer to have a solid friendship with someone before anything else. Hmm, thanks, that makes it so much easier.

Urm, a small island in Canada? If I can figure out how to PM without the messages appearing on my profile, I'll tell you. I basically don't want any of these threads to appear in a google search. What a horrible way to be outed.

...oh and Ceoli, it is now my signature. :p
 
As to when the time is to tell someone's what's up- I guess there's no right answer to that. I prefer knowing someone as a friend first, and if feeling are developing beyond that friendship, then it's time to make clear where you're coming from if it is clear that the relationship is headed in a romantic direction. Of course, in some cases the person will already know you and may know that you are poly from the get-go.

For me-I wouldn't pop off with that to a "prospective" in a bar. (disclaimer:not sure I would HAVE a prospective in a bar either).

On OKC I made it quite clear in the first paragraph of my profile that I am married, poly and if they want to message me, go see his profile too because they would have to be friends with both of us...

But in person-I don't run around "on the make". I AM married and happily so. I CAN dance with others if I so choose (even when we weren't officially poly) but if they are "on the make" they are DEFINATELY not for me as I'm all about RELATIONSHIP which means FRIENDS FIRST.

So the topic is arbitrary until a friendship has been established. At that point they would know-since Maca, C and I live together and we're open among our close friends.
 
I cant really comment ither way.( Im not out looking). I figure Ill just let the chips fall as they may. Open and honest is the best way( and it sounds like you were being that). I would have to say that in one sense you can use this to weed out the guys that just want to "get with you". If they dont respect you enough to understand that being poly isnt an open door to your bed maybe its best not to continue that "getting to know you" period longer then that.


Slight Hijack

I told my father today that WE are poly( LR and I) and I was so worried. Turns out that he and his wife are swingers:eek: hahaah He was like "hey kiddo what ever makes you happy" He was one cool ass father:cool:
 
I told my father today that WE are poly( LR and I) and I was so worried. Turns out that he and his wife are swingers:eek: hahaah He was like "hey kiddo what ever makes you happy" He was one cool ass father:cool:

Right on!!! Good for you!

Although my father and I don't talk much, for completely different reasons - he's gay and completely accepting of whatever sexual hodge podge I have thrown his way. That's really nice!
 
Back
Top