how often do you see your secondary partners?

surfer

New member
I was talking to a friend about polyamory and he said "well it's not really a girlfriend if you only see her once a week" and I certainly don't agree with that, but I do think he has a point that in the mono world, girlfriend/boyfriend is someone you're seeing several times a week.

Are their poly folks who also see their non-live-in secondary partners ever few days? I have the feeling the more common scenario is seeing them every week or two, but wanted to get input from y'all.

(oh and if someone has already asked this, sorry and just point me to the thread, I couldn't find this question in the archives)
 
I was talking to a friend about polyamory and he said "well it's not really a girlfriend if you only see her once a week" and I certainly don't agree with that, but I do think he has a point that in the mono world, girlfriend/boyfriend is someone you're seeing several times a week.

Are their poly folks who also see their non-live-in secondary partners ever few days? I have the feeling the more common scenario is seeing them every week or two, but wanted to get input from y'all.

(oh and if someone has already asked this, sorry and just point me to the thread, I couldn't find this question in the archives)

Everyday, almost without fail. We both need that.
 
I was talking to a friend about polyamory and he said "well it's not really a girlfriend if you only see her once a week" and I certainly don't agree with that, but I do think he has a point that in the mono world, girlfriend/boyfriend is someone you're seeing several times a week.

Are their poly folks who also see their non-live-in secondary partners ever few days? I have the feeling the more common scenario is seeing them every week or two, but wanted to get input from y'all.

(oh and if someone has already asked this, sorry and just point me to the thread, I couldn't find this question in the archives)

This probably isn't going to be a useful answer at all. I would say enough to maintain a healthy relationship without taking away from other relationships. For me it varies with the week and with what else is going on in everyone's lives.

-Derby
 
logically, that's how it would have to be, especially if it's a V without the top 2 connected. :/ only 18 hours in a work day, and weekends tend to go quick
 
Every week, and spend 2-3 days each time. I live with my primary, so he gets me the rest of the week.
 
Since I'm single, I don't have a primary or any secondaries. I do have 4 lovers though. One of them is a guy I've known for 10 years and I only see him for about a week at a time and only once a year. But I still consider him a soul mate and lover.....he is a very important person in my life.

Two of my lovers work out of town during the week, so they are only here during the weekends. I probably spend one to two nights per month with each of them. But, I have known them 11 years and 6 years.

It would probably be different if these were new relationships.
 
there has to be a better term than "single" for someone with many lovers... seriously, is there not some other term? I don't know of one... anyone?

As for the questions at hand. I see Mono and Nerdist everyday. I see Derby about once a week... sometimes more, sometimes less. I see my tersiary every two weeks,,, right now every week. I have an on going date with another man for once a month. We see it as dating, but we have not and will not ever have sex. We call it non sexual wife swapping (nsws) as his wife sees Nerdist under similar pretenses.. although I don't think they are as close as me and this man are. I also have an on-line submissive. Who perhaps one day will be in my life for real. he lives here, but his life is not ready to have me be a full time mistress to him. I doubt very much at this point that he is ready for that, so we are seeing where it will go.

How's that for a long answer... :D

really it's up to you and whomever you are involved with.
 
Thanks for the replies so far, it's great to hear other's perspectives.

FoxFlame, Idealist, good points, very true that the length of the relationship and geographic location, work schedules, etc. factor into all this quite heavily.
 
We all three live together. I see both men every day.
BUT-when we didn't live together I generally saw GG at least 3-4 times a week and we talked EVERY day.

The week Maca and I just spent in Seattle, I spoke with GG at least twice a day, morning and evening. I also wrote to him several times that week.
 
Everyday, almost without fail. We both need that.

Me too! But I think it is an average of more like once every two weeks. We speak and catch glimpses of eachother more often but alone time probably every two weeks. There have been stretches where it is once a week for a couple of hours but I would LOVE a guaranteed once a week and would be the happiest girl on Earth if it was even a few moments everyday! Workin' on it!;)
 
there has to be a better term than "single" for someone with many lovers... seriously, is there not some other term? I don't know of one... anyone?

Good point!! I say I'm single because I'm not married and I have not merged funds or living space with anyone. I am available to meet new people also. That is usually what single implies.
 
By those standards a lot of people are technically single...maybe we could use sans primary or SP instead of single?
 
Everyday, almost without fail. We both need that.

Oh how this would be a dream for me. Every time I leave him, I feel a sense of sadness, not knowing when I'll see him again.

I'm so glad for you, Redpepper and Nerdist, Mono.

Christie
 
I see L one evening a week, and we talk on the phone almost every night. Interesting dilemma: loving L has showed me how little I was settling for in prior relationships, but by the same token she's raised the bar pretty high. Dunno that I'll find anyone like her with whom I could form a primary relationship. Certainly I'm done with forming relationships just to avoid being lonely -- that was my first marriage, thanks for all the fish but never again. ...um, sorry, just stuff that's on my mind. Not really germane.
 
I'm saying that I am my primary now, how would I work that?! if I were single?!:cool:

A woman I know says freedom is her primary. Does that make her eternally single, or the other way around? I think ksandras suggestion of SP (sans primary) is good, to me anyone involved in a serious poly relationship isn't really single. They have taken on some obligations relationship-wise that "ordinary" singles have not.

Back to the OP's question: Usually 1-4 days per week with each (V), and I urgently need some time for myself too :) But there is usually quite a bit of communication and cooperation going on even if we don't see each other. And I don't think time spent together necessarily indicates anything else than - time spent together. So I think, in particular for a secondary, time spent together doesn't have to tell much about the relationship. How the partners spend their time together, and how they interact when they are not together, seems more important to me. And it fits with my own experiences, too.
 
My objection to and all inclusive wording of "sans primary" is that I have friends who aren't looking for a primary and have many lovers instead. SP certainly would work for some, and they could comfortably identify, but what of the others? I have heard the word "networking" out there but I think that is more to do with sexual relationships between friends than lovers. More dating than looking for a primary or even secondary. The meaning is blurred for me. Perhaps someone knows more?
 
My objection to and all inclusive wording of "sans primary" is that I have friends who aren't looking for a primary and have many lovers instead. SP certainly would work for some, and they could comfortably identify, but what of the others? I have heard the word "networking" out there but I think that is more to do with sexual relationships between friends than lovers. More dating than looking for a primary or even secondary. The meaning is blurred for me. Perhaps someone knows more?

But "sans primary" doesn't have to imply that you are looking for one, does it? Just a neutral term, to distinguish those without primary partners who are in some kind of permanent relationship from those who are not.
 
But "sans primary" doesn't have to imply that you are looking for one, does it? Just a neutral term, to distinguish those without primary partners who are in some kind of permanent relationship from those who are not.

Hm, I get your point. Doesn't *sans* mean *before* though?
 
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