Does it offer the same support?

Hmm

New member
This question is half personal, half theoretical, so please bear with me.

My only real relationship was 1.5 years long with my first love. The breakup is still pretty fresh (3 or 4 months ago) and it was a mess. Horribly stressful time for us both, she lashed out at me with tons of anger, bottled up rage. But after the fact, it was clear we were both still in love.

We handled it different ways. She repressed her love for me by saying I "didn't love her, because..." and then convincing herself I didn't love her. I don't have that same ability to deny feelings...I loved her, and I knew I did, very deeply. The only way I could reconcile that with feeling remotely okay was that I could love her and love others. Thus my initial turn to polyamory as an idea.

In practice it has been a stumble stumble fall kind of struggle and I don't know whether this is right. Long story short, basically the more I let people in, the more alone I felt. I had no "one"...no unconditional lover. No one who really wanted to be there for me above all others. A few of the girls I've explained it to have said, love "can't be" between more than just one person on one person...but I know it can be done, it's been done! So it must work...but is it the same? Does it offer the same emotional support? The idea of "one true love" is very compelling and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling.

Just tonight a friend told me it took her over a year to get over her last breakup...mine was just a few months ago. I've had days where I felt totally okay, and then sometimes, especially when I'm getting close to a friend it seems, I just feel so empty and especially alone and especially missing her again. Just talking to her gives me such a feeling of bliss and okayness I can't seem to feel with other people. Even people who say they love me, who are there for me, who support me and have sex with me. Did I fuck up? Or am I just having a bad day? And how does polyamory really compare to that feeling of being someone's one and only? What are everyone's thoughts and experiences with this?
 
The idea of "one true love" is very compelling

I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out. To the point where I couldn't enter a relationship without already having an exit strategy in place.

Now, in my first poly relationship, I feel comfortable and secure. I have no intention of going anywhere :)
 
I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out.

That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)
 
one of "the ones"

of course you can love many, sex is not the most involved way to be a part of a person's life. However you feel relationships and their exact dynamics leave you content is how it is. I would be careful defining how your relationship dynamic works by contrasting it with someone else's ideas.

Some people have a one and only, and some people have several ones that they feel are their "onlys" and however it works for you is the way it works. The problem with defining your relationships to not be what works for someone if you make it a point to let every one of your partners know that they definitely are not one of your "ones".

Most people don't like being made to feel that they are not special, and if one of your girlfriends doesn't like being made to feel not special, you might want to focus on how much they mean to you rather than focusing on the fact that they are not any more important than some random person.

And don't ever treat them worse then some random person (for example some people read through their lovers email without their permission, if it would piss off some stranger to read their private email and then post trying to "teach" them lessons, don't do it to your girlfriends or metamours without their permission) Some people like being fucked, some people like more loving enter actions

In a perfect world, a well adjusted partner won't ever need you treating them special ever, and they will understand you love them just as much as some random person. But realistically people like to be treated like they matter, which unfortunately means like they matter most.

So remember there is a world of difference between feeling just as important as your metamour and feeling second most important. If you find yourself behaving in ways that teach them they aren't any more important than someone else as opposed to showing each of them they are important, your might want to rethink your strategy or get advice from someone else because those are two different things completely -- even though the difference is extremely subtle and technically just semantics -- things could go south fast.

I wouldn't be too worried over whether or not you fucked up, things always seem magnified when they are happening it's not unusual for break ups to feel like a mistake. Years from now with the benefit of hindsight, you may even feel lucky that you aren't still in the relationship or friendship with that person. Sometimes relationships can be poisonous due to the dynamic of no boundaries and lack of respect, sometimes even from those you aren't directly connected to, but indirectly connected through her. Poly dynamics are like that sometimes
 
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Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
The idea of "one true love" is very compelling

See I'm still pretty new to this so I'm probably only half a step ahead of you in my thinking here... however 6 months ago I probably would have agreed completely.

What I have learned is that I am very possessive and protective over the relationship I have with someone, but that doesn't mean I need to be possessive over the person themselves. It just means I value what I have with them.

What's more is I've come to realise those partners can be more fulfilled by their multiple relationships than if they were just with me. That's not a bad thing either and I shouldn't look at it as a negative on me!! They choose to stay with me because they value the unique qualities which I bring to them.

I'm not saying it's easy to settle into this lifestyle, it forces you (and your partner(s)) to question everything society has ever told you and relearn what you personally want from life. But for me - it fits!!

EDIT - Just to answer your second question - I know lots of people actually dislike the pressure of wanting to meet all of one persons needs, I guess this is possibly what was being referred to?
 
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Definitely can be that much support-and more-if it's managed in a manner that promotes that.
I have two deeply committed, full-time, live in relationships. We are raising a family together.
When I was hospitalized-both were at my side.
We're a family. Not-I'm dating multiple people in different places and can't get "as close" to any as you are describing.
 
The point of love to me is to treat and be treated as a special person. That is true in friendships, but even more so in a comitted sexual/romantic relationship. I am in a V, I want my two boys to treat my like their "beautiful woman" :D and make me feel really, really special. If I did not have that there would be no point at all. I don't like the version of poly where you have lots of people that you date/fuck/love, that would not work for me. to me, poly is as comitted and safe as mono if not more! :p
 
I'm in a committed relationship with another woman, with whom I share a house. I also have a bf who is married to another woman, but I see him several times a week. Yes, it's just as warm and yummy as when I was in a mono marriage, only better, because I never really felt mono deep inside. I always wanted more variety than that one man.

Being poly ain't easy though, and I would say, especially since you must be very young and still getting to know yourself. Plus, there's no rush to get into another deep relationship now, when you're still not over your ex and comparing everyone you meet to her.

Have fun, get to know people, have lots of sex and adventures. Know thyself, ask hard questions, be courageous, if you feel jealousy, learn to deal with it.
 
I love both my guys very much and deeply.

For the first time in my life my life feels filled.

My the one happens to be two very special men
 
I'm really pleasantly surprised about the support and sense of happiness and camaraderie in the posts I've read. I've had a very, very rough weekend and this is nice and reassuring to hear from everyone. Alas, I've decided if poly has to keep me from my ex, then I'd gladly give up that opportunity. I am still young and for my age, especially so, it feels like. It's a godsend that after the breakup, my ex and I still agreed to be best friends and are willing to make an effort to talk this out. I'm a mess of a man, but am doing my best keeping it together right now. I feel like a pathetic, spineless little jellyfish but am counting my blessings and taking one step at a time, staying positive and keeping cool. I could try and make objective judgments about us where I put ourselves down, but I'm not going to. This is how it's going to be, damn it, it feels right and I can't deny it. Today, right now, the structure of the relationship I couldn't give a damn about, she's the one. Maybe, maybe, not counting on it, but perhaps someday in our improved confidence and trust this kind of discussion can emerge. But I'm not going to get ahead of myself. I want to spend my days thankful I have any of her at all, and not take the love I have for granted, ever if I can.

Thank you all for your caring, genuine responses. I appreciate them all.
 
I'm a little confused about when you were trying to let other people in. Is this just since the break-up? It seems that the mourning period would be far to fresh for you to be ready to let new people in before you've healed from the last one.

Comparing polyamory to being someone's one and only... apples and oranges. Both delicious in their own right, assuming you like apples and/or oranges. Some people are inclined towards monogamy, so for them, being someone's one and only is a great feeling. For me, it's too much pressure. It requires me to single-handedly meet 100% of their sexual and emotional needs and desires.

I do believe that each relationship should be fulfilling in its own right, but I also enjoy the... convenience... of relying on some people more for fulfilling some needs, and others for others. For example, Auto is very empathic, always knows when something is wrong, and can listen objectively without trying to fix the problem. Gralson is a typical male problem-solver. Whenever I go to him for emotional support, he just tries to fix it, even when it's not his problem to fix. I used to go to my mom for what I now get from Auto, but my mom would just go into pity mode and then I'd end up reassuring her that my life wasn't completely awful, I was just having this one problem.

I could try and make objective judgments about us where I put ourselves down, but I'm not going to.

If you're deliberately putting yourselves down, is it really objective? Or just the subjectivity pendulum swinging too far the other way?
 
I'm a little confused about when you were trying to let other people in.

The breakup was in July. Over the past few weeks I've had a skype sex buddy, slept with 2 girls, and made out and grinded with one more. I feel the worst pit I've ever felt in my life, I can't even explain it. Our circumstances are probably desperate and pathetic...I don't know. But sex without her was the most miserable experience in my life by far and I still have yet to tell her. It's like, by proxy, I have to believe what she believes or else I crash and burn all alone. She soothes me and fulfills me like I've never felt before.

Some people are inclined towards monogamy, so for them, being someone's one and only is a great feeling. For me, it's too much pressure.

That makes sense. One of the things she was lashing out about was how much pressure it was to be that for me. That was also why polyamory really attracted me as an idea. But I guess as it's been said before, if a relationship is floundering, adding another person into it won't fix it...I suppose. She's wonderful and fulfills all my needs...when she believes in herself. Sometimes she gets insecure and pulls back when I only want more and I want to be okay even when she does this, but it's frustrating sometimes. A lot, really.

If you're deliberately putting yourselves down, is it really objective? Or just the subjectivity pendulum swinging too far the other way?

I wish I believed in this more. I do get too hard on myself. I need to accept myself and love myself more. I've been through a lot especially lately and it gets really hard.

I do believe that each relationship should be fulfilling in its own right, but I also enjoy the... convenience... of relying on some people more for fulfilling some needs, and others for others. For example, Auto is very empathic, always knows when something is wrong, and can listen objectively without trying to fix the problem. Gralson is a typical male problem-solver. Whenever I go to him for emotional support, he just tries to fix it, even when it's not his problem to fix. I used to go to my mom for what I now get from Auto, but my mom would just go into pity mode and then I'd end up reassuring her that my life wasn't completely awful, I was just having this one problem.

I'm glad you found a solution that works for you. I have really good friends who love me and support me. But talking to my ex, just small things from her make my whole body tingle and fill with euphoria. It's an addicting bliss and talking to other friends, gah, I wish it worked better. I want a net to rely on, not just one person. I far prefer being a positive person, I want that back.

It seems that the mourning period would be far to fresh for you to be ready to let new people in before you've healed from the last one.

So yeah, you could say that.
 
So there was an imbalance in your relationship with your gf. She's your everything! But it sounds like she felt smothered by your needs. So you thought. OK, I am too reliant on her, I will get other gfs and friends to support me. But when you got other sex partners, your gf got jealous? She doesn't want to feel pressured to be your everything, but when you got others, she then felt jealous?

Yes, becoming a bit more self loving and self reliant is a good idea. We all need a foundation of self caring.

As RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love anybody else?" Your love for her might feel, to her, like a drowning man clinging to her as a life raft.

Of course, this kind of desperate, one and only, you're my everything forever and ever "love" is totally supported in our culture, in our media, in our dreams of fairy tale weddings and happily ever afters. But, this dream is a lie. Especially if you are really wired for polyamory (as many of us here are). I'd say it's too soon to tell with you if you're wired for "one and only" love, or for multiple loves. You need to work on yourself, your self love.
 
So there was an imbalance in your relationship with your gf.

It's not so much an imbalance...we can both be like this. I'm more vocal about it though, she tends to grin and bear it, pulling back more. So in a sense, I guess there is an imbalance. I'm trying to be more self-reliant and it's hard.

But when you got other sex partners, your gf got jealous? She doesn't want to feel pressured to be your everything, but when you got others, she then felt jealous?

She didn't get jealous. At this point we were "broken up" so she was on her own trying to move on. She didn't get jealous, she just couldn't possibly believe in it. She's raised Catholic and believes profoundly in marriage in a more traditional sense. Not that I don't, I'd love to marry her and enjoy the happily-ever-after's with her. It's just, as I fear, and as you said, is it a lie? Or perhaps, is it just too much stress for us? It's like a damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation. Hopefully as we talk we'll find a better resolve.

Thanks again for all the support, everyone, it means a lot. It helps.
 
How old are you? If you are in your early 20s and this was your first real relationship/love, I'd advise you to take your time deciding on whether to commit to someone long term. There's dating, there's moving in together, renting or buying a house, there's marriage, kids... take baby steps. I know young people "want it all and we want it NOW," as Jim Morrison once said. But taking your time and being careful has its benefits.

Especially since your breakup was terrible, full of "bottled up rage." It's a good idea to learn how to communicate your feelings and negotiate boundaries as issues come up, being completely honest every step of the way, owning your own shit, not expecting someone else to carry your baggage.

Don't bottle things up, but also learn how to communicate in a respectful way, using responsive listening, no name calling, no cursing.
 
How old are you? If you are in your early 20s...

Early 20s...let's go with that :p

...and this was your first real relationship/love, I'd advise you to take your time deciding on whether to commit to someone long term.

I agree. I was coming out of a breakdown the other day so I was still emotionally fried and desperate. I'm realizing just how that's the very mindset which made me smothering in the first place. I'm making all efforts to stay positive and feel okay. Meditating and focusing on my works and studies, not losing myself like I would. Even for my age, I'm young, and I'm trying, working on being a better man first. And I'm working on being okay whether my ex texts me or not, unlike how it was. I want to be okay.

Especially since your breakup was terrible, full of "bottled up rage." It's a good idea to learn how to communicate your feelings and negotiate boundaries as issues come up, being completely honest every step of the way, owning your own shit, not expecting someone else to carry your baggage.

Don't bottle things up, but also learn how to communicate in a respectful way, using responsive listening, no name calling, no cursing.

God, every part of this deserves its own response. It's so spot-on. She did more of the raging and name-calling, but definitely I expected her to carry my baggage. That was shitty of me. God, I need to get my thoughts forward. Thank you for your insight.
 
That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)

Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc :) It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.

I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.
 
Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc :) It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.

I definitely agree with you. The pressure to be each other's everything was pretty much what split us apart. I mean, combined with both of our mutual doormattish gentleness with each other and whatnot. In ways we were both afraid to say things that would be too harsh, but when it comes down to it, when we do, I feel like that's when we're at our closest. Unafraid, unabashedly speaking our hearts, free from guilt and whatnot. (I know this isn't meant to be a general relationship board, if that irks anyone I apologise :( (see it was that same guilt which we'd keep having! Curses, it comes back again)) Anyway, I think it's a cathartic thing even though it tends to end in tears for us >.> we started to explore BDSM sexually and I think it's the same idea. Being totally unhingedly honest even when it involves anger or dismay, with love, it turns incredibly cathartic for us. It tends to involve tears, but I think they're of healing.

It's been a pretty intense emotional rollercoaster for me, lots of ups and downs and returning to different perspectives. Just last night we had a long-overdue frank, honest kinda conversation and I feel tons better. There were things I was pissed off about between us that I just wasn't being honest about, and when I told her, she was hurt but finally opened up about some things she wasn't telling me (out of fear for hurting me, ironically having the reverse effect) and then we both just, said it all. It was about damn time! And at the end of it I told her I need space to move on. She's young and so am I, she wasn't ready for marriage and honestly, neither am I. Just lots of uncommunicated fears and anxieties and feelings finally came out and finally got us closer again. She's a fantastic friend and I'm remaking it my mission to test the waters more and see where life takes us. As we're thicker than thieves, I can't imagine we'll be far apart. My libido is refreshed some now that the baggage was sorted through and I feel good.

We both needed space and badly. She's probably going the more conservative route (good luck and power to 'er) dating one boy at a time, and I'm...well, still exploring and whatnot :) Not taking shit, bending over backwards, or denying I'm angry are huge to-do's to keep myself honest and in check.

I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.

That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.
 
I



That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.

Poly can get "more and more extreme" to the point of being beyond physical possibility as well.
Just saying.
 
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