Alcohol and consent

NorthCoastLady

New member
Hello. :)


Word sure does spread fast. I've been talking about my recent experience with a few of my friends, and lo and behold, I'm getting these propositions- subtle and not so subtle, from various sources. It doesn't bother me that I'm seen as "sexually available". I'm really not, at this time, and my polite refusals have been accepted graciously. What does bother me, is the role alcohol plays in most of these invitations.

"I'm sure my girlfriend would be up for it, if she gets drunk enough"
"We can all go out, have a few drinks, and go back to my place"
"We can relax, drink some beer, and watch a few movies at my house, if that'll make you feel comfortable"

20 years ago, I would have responded with a "hell yeah", but after having a few experiences involving alcohol that skated the edges of consent, I'm very wary and cautious of mixing booze and sex, even with my husband. He and I aren't drinkers as a rule, but if we were, sex wouldn't be on the roster. The truth is that I don't trust drunk people, not even myself.

I'm just wondering how much of my distaste for drunken sexual encounters is purely personal. If I want to dabble into swinging or polysexual fun in the future, how much does alcohol play a role? Sure, I realize that many folks imbibe to lower their inhibitions, it's a culturally accepted thing. It just doesn't seem consensual or very safe to me.

Just thought I'd weigh in on the opinions of others.


~Mer~
 
I do take precautions around alcohol and sex and I acknowledge how alcohol affects the ability to give and receive consent. I will have drunk sex though.
 
I'm shy. Alcohol makes that go away. I have sober sex with my husband, but honestly, in the short time since I've had relations outside the marriage, yeah, I usually drink on my dates. I suspect if/when I find someone who is a keeper, I'll relax with them and that need to have a few glasses of wine before being capable of uninhibited sex will go away.
 
I am an alcoholic.. I will make that caveat. I haven't touched a drink in 3 years. So I do have some opinions on drinking and consent.

I think it all comes down to the before. If they gave consent before and needed a drink to relax or chill out. That very different than saying no previously and then getting drunk and suddenly "being available". In your first example just ask to speak with the gf. Otherwise not a chance in hell.

Every amazingly awesome sexual experience I had drunk (and there were a lot) I had sober consent/interest/yes.

In swinging alcohol and even drugs can play a part. *shrugs* depends on the club, location and how public it is. Lots of variables.

Some BDSM and some swinging clubs don't allow booze for the reasons you listed. Just hold yourself to your own rules. Ask the questions you need to ask to feel comfortable. I never went to those, couldn't get comfortable at that time without a couple of drinks. I now go to those clubs, but haven't done anything publicly (sex, beatings etc) since I stopped drinking.

If your problem is with drunk sex in general. As someone who pays close attention to people who drink so I can avoid putting myself in situations which may suddenly turn me into party animal again, its going to be tough to do. you will end up limiting yourself from people who may be very interesting long term. Alcohol may just be what they need to do something like a manysome... (as an example)

Lastly.. when I was drunk, I never.. ever made a decision I wasn't completely cognitive and aware of. I drank on average a 26 a day for 7 years in a party town. Not all people who drink are completely unaware or unable to make decisions. In fact most of my friends (and wife) were/are the same way. Something to keep in mind and another reason why a generic answer won't suit the individual nature of your question :)
 
I'm one of those people who will do everything sober that I will after drinking. Actually, there's less of a chance of me doing anything while drunk; I'll probably fall asleep quicker.
 
My first husband was an alcoholic, so when we split up I had a lot of issues being around people who drank. I was very emotionally triggered by people who had been drinking because of the experiences I had with him. He was likely bipolar and became very depressed when drunk. I was always hypervigilant around alcohol.

So, I married a guy who hardly ever drinks, except an occasional sip. Although when he does sip, it is usually Jaegermeister or some homemade potato vodka his SIL makes.... He also falls asleep easily... ;)

BF does not drink either, unless he is home, and even then just a few times a year. He has too many memories of waking up in his early twenties in a strange bathroom, with no pants, or with the fish missing from the fish tank. He considers his drinking days to be over. He is the guy who will always come to pick you up no matter what the hour.

I do like to have a drink or two. It does help me relax, but not for doing things that I would not be doing otherwise. I find that mixed drinks give me the buzz I want without the fuzzy decision making, which wine does.

I can understand why people would not want alcohol involved. It can leave doubts as to whether the person you are with is really into you, or just losing their normal filters. I agree with Ariakas that having a consent prior to the drinking is a great idea. :)

Willow
 
"I'm sure my girlfriend would be up for it, if she gets drunk enough"
Hell, no! That's just awful, and rather offensive to hear. I don't want to be with anyone who needs to be drunk to be with me, especially if they're only doing it to please someone else. Ugh, that's so gross.

"We can all go out, have a few drinks, and go back to my place"
I think some people just don't know what else to do when trying to get to know someone. We rarely hear proposals like, "We can all go out, check out the Picasso exhibit at the museum, and go back to my place." Or at the very least, meet for coffee rather than a cocktail. People have no imagination. They think booze is the only way to relax or have a date.

"We can relax, drink some beer, and watch a few movies at my house, if that'll make you feel comfortable"
Same thing, I think. Lack of imagination, or maybe lack of an interesting personality, LOL!

I like going out for a drink with someone. I used to be a bartender and worked in restaurants for over a decade when I was younger, so I am completely comfortable sitting at a bar, even by myself. I can also hold my liquor pretty well, but I know that for my own safety and to avoid regrets, I need to go home alone after the 3rd drink. That being said, I prefer first dates to be over coffee and, in my OKCupid profile, I say that I'm open to meeting for "coffee or a cocktail."

I'm in my 50s, so I have had plenty of drunk sex, plenty of stoned sex, and plenty of sober sex in my lifetime. I must say, I prefer sex while sober.
 
I definitely don't have sex for the first time with someone if they're drunk. Yes, they might be drinking on purpose to lose their inhibitions because they want to have sex to begin with. But there is also the possibility that they're not really into it and the alcohol is making them do things they wouldn't normally do.

I don't want to wonder if, when they sober up, they'll regret it. Much easier to make sure everyone is able to give informed consent before the sex happens, rather than after the fact, when they sober up, confirm that they did consent.

So I totally understand your reservations. I would only have sex while drunk with someone I've been in a relationship with for a while, because then I would figure that we would probably be having sex regardless. If we just had a fight, though, then I wouldn't be comfortable with it, as, once again, they might regret it when they sober up.
 
My gf and I have differing views on the result of alcohol. She's stated that if she's drunk and I'm not, she doesn't want to have sex for reasons of consent. If we're both drunk, then anything goes.

To me, if we're in a relationship and you're drunk and telling me you're in the mood, I don't see the big deal. I'm not forcing myself on you. I'm simply following through with what we both want. Again...only as long as you're telling me you want to have sex.

Are there people who get bolder with alcohol? Absolutely. And if you want to get a little uninhibited with the sauce, I don't have a problem with that. Honestly, there are people that for whatever reason really need to calm down when it comes to romantic endeavors...but personal boundaries need to be respected.
 
My personal feeling (and yes, I know this has nothing to do with how it's legally looked at) is: willing consent, drunk or not, is willing consent. The only thing that could, in my opinion make it non-consensual is if a person's drink was drugged without their knowledge, or they are physically incapable of participation (like if they are passed out. No, "Out COLD" is NOT consent).

If one is concerned about giving "drunk consent"... one shouldn't get drunk.

If "No means No", then shouldn't "Yes mean Yes"?
 
If "No means No", then shouldn't "Yes mean Yes"?

Calling that an unpopular point of view is like describing the sun as "pretty big". Personally I would agree that this should be the case, unfortunately I live in a litigious society of whiny brats who refuse to take responsibility for their own decisions so I don't behave anything close to this. As it is now, I treat a drunk girl I don't know as if she were on fire.

As far as people I'm dating? Aw hell no, if my drunk ass girlfriend throws herself at me that's an invitation, not an opportunity for an intervention.
 
Exactly.
 
When it came down to the wire, both my boyfriend and I needed to do a couple of shots before we took the plunge into acting on our desires. We'd been talking about it, negotiating what we wanted from each other at the time (that has obviously changed over the last 4.5 years, but initially we were transitioning from best friends to best friends with benefits) for a couple of weeks, but he hadn't been with another woman since he and his wife were married and definitely needed help lowering his inhibitions. Infact, he had to be drunk in the first place to even let me know he was interested in something physical. After a few weeks I asked him what he would do if we ran out of alcohol. His response was put on a pot of coffee and go down on me.

A few years prior to this, a mutual friend had benefited from my drunk and horny state; he got to participate in a threesome with my husband and I. That wouldn't have been a big deal, but I had a tendency to lose my clothes as well as my inhibitions when drunk in my 20's. This friend started expecting to benefit from every time I was drunk, even after he was married and monogamous. As I've gotten older, I don't feel the need to drink as often or get shit faced everytime, which really upset this friend. Especially when his wife cheated on him and left him. He assumed he would get pitty sex out of me b/c I'd slept with him once. It took a couple of years before he got over it (and me getting a boyfriend that wasn't him).
 
I like what another poster here said once. Maybe it was Nycindie. I can't remember.
Don't fuck fragile.

If we are just getting to know each other; I'm not fucking you drunk. Because I want to know YOU. Not you drunk.
On the other hand, I've had awesome drunk sex with people I've been in a relationship with.

But I don't want to have sex with someone who *needs* a drink to have sex with me.
 
'Don't fuck fragile' is one of my sayings. I just won't play or have sex with someone who I feel may not be able to fully and joyfully consent. It covers a wide range of issues - one of which is being too drunk.

Also, when I drink, I tend to get chatty, then there is singing, and then I fall deeply asleep. Sex is not on the table when I'm hammered.
 
Curls and I have never been big drinkers. She rarely drinks at all, I drink fairly often but almost never to the point of getting drunk. Freckles... she gets drunk when we go out frequently. When drunk she has an almost magnetic tendency to end up in my lap... or Curls' lap... occasionally both of our laps simultaneously...

We are used to this from her, and she is probably the one exception we have to the 'no sex with drunk people' rule. Although we share this rule, I have noticed a contradiction from people in general. I have heard many a person say that they would never have sex with a girl who was drunk, but it's much rarer for a female to say they wouldn't have sex with a male who was drunk. Why is it that women are deemed so week that they require protection from being taken advantage of when they are drunk, but guys? They know what they are doing! Go nuts!

Double standards anyone?

As for Freckles... she has only been able to legally drink for a year and a half. She will get her fill soon enough. Both Curls and I have, on separate occasions, been the one kneeling behind Freckles and rubbing her back as she's barfing her guts out and telling her "now, you aren't gonna ever drink that much again, right??"
 
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