New to Polyamory and need help and support

I mean there is no “normal” - it’s a thing some people feel early in the poly journey, some don’t, some get over it, some don’t. Some people enjoy the contrast of experiencing both at once (look up the hotwife community - that type of voyeurism is very foreign to me but one of my partners finds it hot. Takes all sorts...)

And I’m ADD too, I get the thought spirals and the rejection sensitivity. In many ways I’m very lucky that my first experience with actual polyamorous relating (not just swinging), I was swept up in new relationship energy enough with someone else that it made processing what jealousy I had over Knight’s relationship with his new partner MUCH easier.
 
I think I feel both and the jealousy also turns me on. Its weird, never felt like this before. Is this normal?

It's normal, it's common. It can be seen as something like hotwifing or cuckolding. But generally in those, only the wife has sex with others. If you want to have sex with others, it's an Open marriage, maybe swinging.

If you're open to emotions becoming involved, it is classified as polyamory.

It's possible to be turned on at first by hearing about your wife's sex with others, or actually watching her having sex, in real life or cyberly. It's also possible to want to engage in threesomes.

But that can be because you have excitement about this whole idea in general. As time goes on, it might feel kind of sickening or invasive to hear about, watch or engage in sex with your wife and another person. All these feelings are normal. There is no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. What you do, the choices you make, is where you might make choices that are wrong, or unhealthy, for you.

Please read the book Opening Up. It covers all the bases that previously mono couple might experience when they open their marriage/relationship.
 
I think I feel both and the jealousy also turns me on. Its weird, never felt like this before. Is this normal?

It's not abnormal. You are going through some changes. You are going to have feelings all over the place. What you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow. You could find this is something that excites you. Or participating could be giving you some comfort because it doesn't feel so out of control. It's like it gives you the ability to observe so there are no surprises. That is quite common in swinging where couples participate together.
 
Thanks fo all your comments. I like to think we are poly and im not being cuckold'ed. That feels like im a sub and not in control of anything. Thats not the ccase. I am going threw a mariad of emotions and feelings about this situation. I found out she wants to have vows with this guy and I dont feel comfortable with that. She made vows with me and this new guy should only be ber boyfriend not her husband as well. Is that wrong?
 
This is another spot where none of us can tell us what is wrong or what is right, because the only people who can decide what is correct or even what is important in a relationship are the people in it.

That said, there ARE a lot of people who have very hierarchical relationships - husband and wife is the most important thing, any other partners are less so. You can search on here for "primary" and "secondary" to see a lot of discussions on the ethics and practicalities of that, or "hierarchy".

I personally don't believe in that type of relationship for myself, and think that it can lead to a lot of pain for everyone, but it *can* be done.
 
Thanks fo all your comments. I like to think we are poly and im not being cuckold'ed. That feels like im a sub and not in control of anything. Thats not the ccase. I am going threw a mariad of emotions and feelings about this situation. I found out she wants to have vows with this guy and I dont feel comfortable with that. She made vows with me and this new guy should only be ber boyfriend not her husband as well. Is that wrong?

Once you make a decision to Open a marriage, your former vows are no longer valid. If you made a vow, as most do, to be fidelitous to your spouse, obviously that's no longer happening.

What you are looking for will be a "new normal," and that can take time to happen. You need to discuss specifics about the new arrangement. This will take multiple sessions. You can even write down agreements as a sort of contract. This helps some people. You can of course, renegotiate any agreement as time goes on and you become more comfortable (or less comfortable, as the case may be).

Try reading the book Sex at Dawn to understand why hearing about (or hearing or watching) your wife's sex with others turns you on. Female humans have always been vocal during sexual pleasure and orgasm. According to the science in this book, her vocalizations are a signal to men all around that she's "in heat" and can be approached and possibly mated with, one man after another. She chooses the one(s) she finds attractive. It's really interesting. There is a lot of information about human's promiscuous mating in this book.
 
I don’t like the fact she wants to put a ring on her finger from him Iam the primary and he’s the secondary. Am I wrong ?
 
I found out she wants to have vows with this guy and I dont feel comfortable with that. She made vows with me and this new guy should only be ber boyfriend not her husband as well. Is that wrong?

FOREVER or just for now?

Could read Open Models.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

People sometimes start out with "primary-secondary" because it's the easiest to imagine. Some also like the model and want to keep it. For others? The model eventually starts to pinch.

Wanting vows with Dude, when you just Opened the marriage a week ago? And you might not be done healing from her abandoning you to go be with him and then coming back saying she wants both?

How long has she known him? How long was she gone? How long since she came back? Everything healed that needs to be healed? Cuz it sounds awful fast to me. To me that would be both premature and a tall order. Maybe NRE obsession.

So I could see where you might be coming from. A feeling of "What am I? Chopped liver? You come and go and then he sails in here and gets to be treated on the same level of seriousness as me where I've clocked 25+ years and putting up with all this wacky and change?"

On the other hand, are you saying that if things stabilize and they are together 1, 5, 10, 20 years... she still has to agree that she can never ever have a commitment ceremony of some kind and exchange rings or some other token with him to honor their commitment JUST because you happened to get there first and got to claim "primary?" That doesn't seem fair either.

If you are feeling rushed or railroaded into accepting just too many things at once? You do NOT have to consent. You CAN say "No, thank you. Not like that. I do not want to. You are asking too much of me all at once."

Where's the fire?

Galagirl
 
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I don’t like the fact she wants to put a ring on her finger from him Iam the primary and he’s the secondary. Am I wrong ?

You feel what you feel. You need to negotiate. You tell her your feelings and make sure she heard you. She tells you her feelings and you show you heard her. I mean, you both respond, "So what I hear you saying is..."

Once you both feel fully heard, you then discuss what to do.

All you can do is say, I don't feel good about you making vows with him and exchanging rings, at this time. This seems so sudden.

You can ask her why she thinks it's important to handfast with her bf.

You can agree her desire to do this, or, if it's a deal breaker, you opt out of a relationship with her. It's your choice. You can't control her, you can only control what you do. You don't own her. You take care of yourself.
 
Hi Ian,

There are a number of different kinds of models of polyamory. Some people have a hierarchical model, where one is a husband/primary partner, and the other is a boyfriend/secondary partner. Other people have a nonhierarchical model, where there are no primaries/secondaries, or where both men are primary partners (the co-primary model). You seem to be leaning toward the hierarchical model; you want this fellow from Norway to be a secondary partner, while you retain the primary position. Your wife seems to be leaning toward the co-primary model. One of you will have to compromise in this area; you won't both be able to have exactly what you want. Either that or, maybe this is something neither of you can compromise on. And then you might have to break up. But you said you wanted to save this marriage. In order to save it, you have to try and look for some middle ground.

Your feelings are not abnormal, lots of people feel like you do. You just have to try to find the arrangement that works for you. It is possible to feel jealous, and to actually feel turned on by your jealousy. This is a very common feeling in hotwifing, but it is common in regular poly too. Especially when you are in the early stages of your poly relationship. Rather than eliminating your jealousy altogether, you may want to just modify it, to be a type of jealousy that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, but still turns you on. Try to separate the parts of your jealousy that make you feel good, and that make you feel bad. What parts make you feel bad? What causes them? Also, what parts make you feel good? It is a complicated thing to figure out. However, start thinking about it in those terms, and eventually you will be able to sort your jealousy.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I don’t like the fact she wants to put a ring on her finger from him Iam the primary and he’s the secondary. Am I wrong ?

You are not wrong for wanting to be the primary, but you are wrong for assuming that is the default. As has been said, you are negotiating a new marriage. Just remember to use tact during your negotiation. Making demands will not get you there.
 
Thank you all for your valuable suggestions and input. I am negotiating with my wife how this is going down. Trying to set up rules and bounderies. The jealousy is still there, but I am going to lean to deal with it. hotwifing is something that does turn me on theoy but I dunno how or if it will work in practical setting. Guess I will learn along the way. I have gone thew and answered all your questions on paper and wrote it all down and going to go over all of it with my wife. I really want this poly relationship to work. She going to have to give up somethings as will I. I will let you know how it went.

Thanks again for all your help, input and suggestions, I am learning alot and its helping.
 
Perhaps look at the worksheets from Opening Up to see if it helps with the talks? Those are free to download.

Could go through them with marker or colored pencil.

  • Like green "ok, go"
  • Yellow "Proceed with caution"
  • Red" No, not at this time. Maybe in future."
  • Black "Hell no! Not ever! Dealbreaker!"

Then could do it again later down to see if anything can be updated.



https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Along with careful reading and thinking.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Plan for being newbies and making mistakes. And how to recover from them and do healthy conflict resolution.

You might get in the habit of saying "Ok, now repeat that back in your own words so I can know you got it how I meant it" to try to minimise misunderstandings.

Don't try to get it all done in one marathon talk either. Set a time each week to work on it a little. Then live normal life in between -- dinner, dishes, laundry, movie night, etc.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Ian,

Thanks for your updates, it is good to hear that our posts are helping. I think you have the right idea about the jealousy, it's not like you can wave a magic wand and make it go away, but you can learn to deal with it, and I am optimistic that you will.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks guys, we are looking over all the literature thats provided and talking about bouderies. I still get jealousy pangs but my wife assures me she isnt going anywhere which helps alot. I can imagine it will take me a few months to get used to the idea iam not the only one. She has also opened up and letting me have a girlfriend.
 
Hi Ian, you're right, it takes time, to get used to the new normal, give yourself a few months at least. It's awesome that your wife is letting you have a girlfriend, I remember in your first post that you said you have an interested girl.
 
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