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  #1061  
Old 05-12-2017, 09:16 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Spork, I just saw your reply, and I'll give it some thought. Our posts crossed, and I think it's a funny coincidence that the question I pose at the end of mine is actually the opposite of what you were positing.

In other news, Jasper canceled on me and the manager of the apartment is suddenly trying to nickel and dime us to death. Why is all of this stuff converging on me at once, and the day I'm supposed to start bleeding? Clearly, I was too happy last night.
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1062  
Old 05-12-2017, 09:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
Spork, I just saw your reply, and I'll give it some thought. Our posts crossed, and I think it's a funny coincidence that the question I pose at the end of mine is actually the opposite of what you were positing.

In other news, Jasper canceled on me and the manager of the apartment is suddenly trying to nickel and dime us to death. Why is all of this stuff converging on me at once, and the day I'm supposed to start bleeding? Clearly, I was too happy last night.
Weird! Like "here's everything awesome! Ha, just kidding." The universe is a strange place.

I hope it all shakes out in the end, it probably will, somewhere in between "Everything is amazeballs!" and "Everything is sucksauce!"

Sucksauce. LOL! I just made that up. It sounds so naughty.

So yeah, when I read your post and the last bit, I thought to myself, "OK, maybe not, perhaps I am wrong." I am ok with being wrong. It was just...lines of questions, thinking, stuff...

Oh, and I also would like you to know that when I typed the word "bullied" I actually had to pause because I had the mental image of that photo, with you in the green latex dress thing and Rider in the maid outfit, and the rather insane size difference between you, and I imagined you like physically pushing him around for a second and it was comical.

Just...yeah. That's my squirrel-brain for ya.
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  #1063  
Old 05-13-2017, 06:14 AM
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You guys. Life is so weird. After all that . . . SHE STOOD HIM UP.

Well. At least I have a date tonight? . . .
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1064  
Old 05-18-2017, 06:31 PM
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I'd tell you about the ren fair last weekend and give you another chapter of the wedding story, but I'm too busy this week with moving-related stuff to go into storytelling mode. I'm also super sad today about Chris Cornell. Suicide is the saddest thing.

Things are wonderful with Rider, although we did have a very strange moment a couple days ago where I accidentally upset him without having any idea that the thing I said would do so. Sometimes it surprises me how much we still have to learn about each other after being together for 3.5 years. It always feels like THE WORST THING to accidentally upset someone. Like, when you're arguing, sometimes you know and expect that the things that you have to say to speak your piece might upset the other person, but when it happens out of the blue, it's heartbreaking.

Things are non-happening with Jasper this week. I'm too busy with the move, and he's too busy adjusting to his new job. Hopefully we'll both have some time next week. I'm feeling a little insecure in the situation because, while I'm super-super-super happy for him that he's gotten his dream job, the fact that he's pulled away pretty hard (not just not being able to hang out, but not texting very much—never first and short replies) since he's started makes me worry that now that he's employed, he may see himself as better perma-relationship material for someone, and might be distancing himself from me as a result in preparation for that. But he's probably just busy and my worry-brain is too active.
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1065  
Old 05-19-2017, 08:54 PM
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Band practice and packing tonight. Moving truck day is tomorrow. Ren fair again (solo this time, most likely) is Sunday. I miss Jasper FIERCE today, probably because I saw him post a selfie on Twitter last night.

I have been eating and drinking all of the things and need to start reining that in on Monday after the fair, because if I gain any more weight, I know from experience that I will begin to disgust myself, and my self-esteem will fall into the toilet. Maybe I'll fire up the weight-loss thread again . . .
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1066  
Old 05-24-2017, 07:27 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Heya Reverie,

Congrats on the wedding, honeymoon and new house! Super cute. loved the blog you linked too and the piccies.

How did the move go? Is your fur baby getting settled in?

Has Jasper started talking again?

Hope you're having a great week and getting some much needed rest in between all the upheaval. Also I'm in approval of updating the fitness blog haha it keeps getting lost in the forest...
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Landon- M/straight/open and poly friendly (husband to Ariel)
Ariel- F/Bi/Open / poly friendly (Wife to Landon)
Ginger- F/gay/mono/poly friendly
Kiki - female/gay/mono/poly friendly-poly curious (just started being interested in each other)
Rocky- male/straight/monoish/ex bf


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  #1067  
Old 05-24-2017, 04:55 PM
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Thanks, Star! I actually started writing a super long post yesterday but then got too busy to finish it. Going to post it in a bit.
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1068  
Old 05-24-2017, 08:03 PM
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As of Sunday morning, we're finally totally moved into our new apartment, though it's still cluttered with boxes everywhere. The process has not been without its troubles, but I think we're better for it.

Trouble #1: Despite still having our security deposit, pet deposit, and 6 days of pro-rated rent for our old place tied up for 21 days with the management company, we had to come up with (cashier's checks, no less) security deposit and pet deposit for the new place within 24 hours of finding out we got it, PLUS we have to give him more cashier's checks with the first month's rent tonight, only a week later. So we had to come up with more than twice the rent basically on the spot, WHILE they still owe us $1950—and all before our normal rent is usually due. This meant we both had to drain the leftover honeymoon money, our regular savings accounts, and our checking accounts. We each have $45 to our names until Rider gets paid on Thursday, at which point he'll pay me back for the extra I floated him to get through the week.

Trouble #2: The management company decided to reveal only at the last minute that because we're transfer tenants instead of new ones, we are not eligible for the $30/month break in rent for the first year. AND that we're responsible for paying $20 to the water company each month (unheard of in apartment living!). AND that there's a mandatory cleaning fee that comes out of our deposit ($118). AND that when a year is up, we may be on the hook for something called "pet rent," which they are waiving for the first year. The manager assures us that the last part is unlikely and that they only spring it on unsatisfactory tenants, which we have not been. But I don't trust them much after all this. Another expense, which I was at least made aware of in advance, is that this apartment requires renter's insurance. So that's another $20 per month.

Trouble #3: On top of all that cost, our new place didn't come with a fridge (pretty common for this city) so I had to buy one on Craigslist. The fridge itself was only $185, so not too bad, and the guy delivered it for free. The problem was that it was 1/2" too wide for the space allotted for it! Rider and I had to move one of those under-cabinet microwaves to make space for it. It was HELLACIOUSLY heavy and unwieldy, and I had to go buy a drill bit to be able to move it. It was a giant pain in the ass, but we got it done, and I believe now more than ever that we can do almost anything with teamwork.

Trouble #4: When the gas man came Monday to switch my service on, he inspected the appliances and discovered that both the water heater and the wall heater need to be fixed before he could allow them to be turned on, so he tagged them non-functional. This means that we had only cold-water "bird baths" and no hot showers for the first few days—and you know how filthy moving makes you feel. At least they fixed the water heater yesterday.

And then, of course, in addition to all the money that went to the management company and to buying the fridge, there was Uhaul truck rental and eating out all week because all our kitchen stuff was packed . . . it has been an EXPENSIVE month!

Before I found out how much the move would cost immediately, I was planning on using my leftover honeymoon money and extra paycheck this month (it's one of those odd months with three) to get a kitten ($275 for adoption fees and additional pet deposit), a tattoo ($500), a septum piercing ($40), vocal coaching ($75), a new bass amp ($300-500), and re-upping my Pilates membership ($240). All of that is major Reverie-wish-list stuff that I've been patiently waiting for an extra-check month to be able to get.

Now I fear I will end up spending a bunch of it on interest from the credit card racking up I've done in the past week. And even if the interest is not killer, I'll have to wait till we get our old deposit back before feeling comfortable splurging. It seems like that stuff has been on my wish list FOREVER and it always seems like the moment it is within reach, it gets snatched away. Oh, well. Maybe just a couple things at a time.

So the question is this: after all that hardship and sacrifice getting to where we are with the new place, is it worth it? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is DEFINITELY YES.

Our new place is bigger and shaped better. The bedroom is wide enough that we can actually put the bed in the middle of the wall—neither of us up against a side—and center it below the fan so that I can attach the tall posts to make it look all romantic-like. There's space out in the living area to store the bunnies, so there are no more bunny noises and messes in the bedroom.

The kitchen is far more spacious with a little bar area and space to put a bar cabinet if we acquire one. The new fridge is bigger than the old one, with more space for Rider's hot sauce collection. There's space in the living room for Rider's desk and our musical equipment, so we can actually use the dining nook for dining. There are dimmable can lights in the living room, so less space taken up on surfaces and floors with lamps.

All the windows have bars on them, so we can leave our windows open during the day and no one can break in and the cat can't push the screen out and escape. There's space to store my bike along one wall, so I don't have to fold it up every day. The bathroom is bigger and has a ton more storage, and the shower doors are frosted so every little bead of water residue doesn't show up if Rider forgets to squeegee.

And I mentioned in an earlier post: THE FREAKING PARKING SPACE! Oh, the luxury of not having to move the car twice a week for street sweeping. To not have to cruise for ages for parking if I get home at the wrong hour. To not have to park all the way down the street and then move the car out front when it is time to haul music gear to a practice or show. Seriously, it's almost worth all the extra money just for that alone.

It's only six blocks from our old place, but it's a quieter, tree-lined residential street, so there is no threat of the block across the way getting razed on us again. And it's still walking distance to all the stuff we used to walk to, though it'll take a bit longer. We're actually CLOSER to a favorite taco stand, my favorite retro bar, and the Goodwill.

We still have a little ways to go before the inside will be complete, and that's going to take time and money. Obviously unpacking and cleaning up all the moving dust comes first. Then probably a rug for the living room and the bar cabinet for the kitchen will be the next things we shell out for. And I'd love some extra drawer space in the bedroom to control our sex toy collection, if I can make that happen on the same IKEA trip.

I suppose that's enough rambling about housing stuff. What else is going on?

Yesterday, Rider and I had a taco date and then we went to go put flyers up at the venue where we're doing a gig Friday night, and then we went over the musical material to make sure I'm prepared.

Tonight, I get to see Jasper for the first time in a couple of weeks. I had honestly begun to worry that he was done with me now that he started his new job, because he was in WAY less contact than usual the past couple weeks, never texting first and only short replies, if any at all. But then when I told him I was done moving, he wanted to hang out this week, so we set a date for Wednesday. And then Monday night he tried to get me to come over spur of the moment, but I was too busy unpacking. I suppose he'll be giving me the scoop tomorrow about what's been keeping him so busy. I'm curious to hear about his job!

He sounds excited to see me, at least. Our plans are to meet up kind of on the late side, grab a drink, then go back to his place to chill (read: have amazing haven't-seen-you-in-two-weeks sex).

Tomorrow is band practice, and Friday is the show itself. I put a LOT of effort last week into getting our band administrative stuff sorted. I bought us a domain name, email account, and Dropbox, and then set up all the social media stuff. (Rider is to make the website itself when he has I chance.). Then I made a spreadsheet that lists everyone's contact info, all the logins to all the band stuff, a list of important dates (shows, festival applications, etc.), and a bunch more stuff that I thought would be useful to have easy access to.

And then this weekend our friend Jerry from FL is in town. (Longtime blog readers may remember this as the friend that I kissed during my birthday celebration in 2015. I am unlikely to do that during this visit.) He'll get to watch our show and then we will give him the tour of Cool Local Shit. It should be a good time.

(continued . . .)
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1069  
Old 05-24-2017, 08:04 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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( . . . continued from previous)


In poly news, there hasn't been much in the way of real-life changes, but there have been some discussions. We're still coasting along in a state of pretty stable monogamishamy, in that neither of us is trying to "relationship" with others, but we are both free to "FWB" to a degree that it does not interfere too much with the rest of our life. We refreshed our profile on Feeld but haven't gotten much buzz on it. We've talked about firing up revamped, more laid-back OKC profiles so that Rider could maybe find a FWB and I could mostly browse and think about some chick-hookups.

We did a little processing of the stress surrounding the whole chick-who-stood-him-up thing, and we broke the problems down into their parts:

He took ownership of the fact that he had been cagey and weird about being upfront with me about his planning process for making plans with an outside partner. He said he thinks it is leftover baggage from both old relationships and from the way things sometimes unfolded in the past of our own relationship. He said he thinks he has a subconscious desire there to keep stuff somewhat secretive until he is certain it will come to pass. This is because he associates disclosing plans about outside/new partners with having to process negative emotions from his existing partner(s)—me included—and he'd rather not weather an emotional storm when there is a chance the person might not even go for his plan. He recognized that this "be cagey now, disclose possibly later if things go well" is counterproductive to relationship trust, and that avoiding a discussion out of trying to avoid provoking a negative emotion is not good communication policy. He apologized for the caginess and for his poor reaction.

I took ownership of the fact that I was on my absolute worst possible day of hormonal nightmare time, so I absolutely was being way more hypersensitive to and emotional about everything than normal. I apologized for believing (even for a moment) that he was actively lying to me, and I told him I'll try to let him know in the future when I think my reactions may be colored by hormones.

He admitted that he does have a tendency to "steamroller" things in other areas of his life when he catches the scent of a possible sexual adventure, and he agreed that this steamroll effect is what allowed him to ignore that the timing of this most recent proposed dalliance was quite poor. (It was right after our wedding, when we were still getting back to normal life, AND it was the same week we'd just put in an application for a new apartment and were dealing with jumping through those hoops. Not to even mention that we'd already had plans for all the days that weekend when he found out.) He has agreed to try to work toward a brain-hack that will assist him in mitigating this steamrolleriness and allow him to think more clearly, even when vagina is on offer.

I'd also read to him some of what y'all had posted here, and he said that he did feel bullied in one moment, which is when I kept asking him questions because I could tell that there was more he was not telling me. I obviously didn't mean to make him feel that way, so I apologized. I will try to remember just to ask the direct question next time, instead of playing 20 questions with the path forming based on how hot or cold I seem to be, which is what I tend to do when I have a hunch but want to give people the chance to put stuff in their own words rather than making them answer yes or no to my words. I'd thought that the way I was doing it was the kinder way, but if it makes him feel bad, it's kinder to do it the other way.

I actually quite like how this whole monogamishamy thing is shaking out. It gives us a chance to bump up against polyish things every once in a while and process them, getting better at these skills all the while, but we're doing it without involving the feelings of other people much, if at all, so we're not in too much danger of accidentally hurting anyone but each other—and we usually recover from those little boo-boos pretty easily.

Talking about stuff without any kind of pressure on is great for learning about each other's similarities and differences and figuring out ways to "translate" to each other in those areas where our differences color our perceptions and interpretations of things.

Recent topics of conversation, as we feel things out, have included a re-discussion of "how much do we want to know"; some discussion about our different approaches to processing and expressing jealousy; and a pretty lengthy back and forth on how FOMO and a sense of urgency contribute both to Rider's steamroller effect, which, in turn, contributes to my becoming quite grumpy. I find it difficult and uncomfortable, no matter the person or situation, to watch my partner get "drop everything and move heaven and earth" laser focus on another person. Not that I haven't been there myself (ahem, Beckett), but that does not make it easier. The times when Rider being with other people has been the easiest for me have always been those times when he's been mellow and chill and matter-of-fact about a thing, rather than in "OMFG I have to make this happen" mode.

Speaking of Beckett, Facebook reminded me a moment ago that today marks the two-year anniversary of my meeting him. We've texted some in recent weeks, but not much. We miss each other a little and have plans to meet up at a convention in a neighboring state in August. I'm planning for that to just be a friendly thing, most likely, but it will be wonderful to see him. He's still with that boyfriend. It's been about 10 months now, so I guess it's going well. I'm surprised, but happy for him, if he's happy.

I have more to say (and still want to post about wedding/honeymoon stuff) but I seem to be FAR too busy right now to actually type it all out. So, until next time . . .
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Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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  #1070  
Old 05-26-2017, 04:53 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Hmmm . . .

Things are in a weird place with Jasper. Not bad, necessarily, just weird. Wednesday night, I got to his place around 9:00 (he now gets home around 8:30), and he was super happy to see me and we were kissing before I even was fully through the front door of his building. We had plans to maybe go see his friend’s improv show after sex, though I told him I would likely have to leave before it was over due it being a weekday and cutting into my bedtime.

He poured me a glass of wine, and we started talking and making out and sipping wine and talking and making out. At one point, I was sipping wine and looking at him over the top of my glass, and he burst out with, “I’M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!” and pounced on me. I set my glass down and said, “Good! I was a little worried you didn’t like me anymore now that you have a job.” My tone was light, but I was telling the truth.

A cloud crossed his face, and he said, “Well, it’s like . . . part of it is just being really busy with work taking up so much of my time. But part of it is . . . I’ve been starting to feel like I am coming to a place where I might be almost ready for a . . . partner . . . again. So I’ve been kind of trying to make more space for that—that’s why I don’t invite you when I go out dancing and stuff like that. I’m kind of trying to look around and see what could possibly happen, and I want there to be room for that. Is that weird to hear?”

And I told him that it wasn’t that weird to hear—that in fact, I had intuited as much. I told him the hypothesis I’d had (the one I’d written about here) about him perhaps feeling like he has more to offer now that he has a job, and so he’s more ready to look for something serious. He looked thoughtful and then said that he believes my intuition was exactly correct.

I said that we can start dialing it back to platonic friendship now, if he wants, explaining that it will be easier for me to handle if we actually dial it back before he meets someone, rather than abruptly stopping because he met someone. He said that it makes sense to him that I’d feel that way, and he praised my communication skills (for knowing how I feel and what I want and being direct about it), but then he said he’s not really at the point where he’s actively looking, only kind of passively, so he’s not really ready to stop with me yet. He said he’d let me know when he does get to that point.

I also told him that our friendship would probably be easier for Future Girlfriend to accept if he could tell her, “This is a friend I used to hook up with, and then we stopped a while back,” rather than, “This is a friend I used to hook up with and then I stopped because I met you.” He exclaimed that he had never even considered that, and said I was totally right, then doubled down on his assertion that he’ll let me know when he’s ready, so then we can start trying out some “buddy time” at that point of his really actively looking.

The process of talking about all of this was not easy for me. There were a few moments where I had to cast my eyes upward and control a quivery lip to prevent tears from taking hold. Talking about transitions and endings is rough, even when they are not immediate, and even when you’ve known all along it was coming. He apologized for dropping the conversation on me at a weird moment and said, “but [he] really feel[s] like it’s an important conversation to have and to keep having” at intervals. I agreed with that part for sure.

I explained to him that my feelings for him never went away, exactly, when we downgraded. I just tempered them so that they were far less intense and threw a sopping wet blanket over the blazing NRE. But, for me, the feelings, though muted, are the same. He said that his feelings are the same as at the beginning too, but they have been tempered the whole time by the situation and what he knew was possible. I believe he was being a bit revisionist there, because one time not long ago, I went back through our entire text record, and it sort of sliced up my soul to see how intensely lovey and attentive he was at the beginning, before shit got really weird. There was nothing tempered about it, and I have proof, but I didn’t feel like it was my place to call him on it in that moment.

We kissed and cuddled some more, and he kept exclaiming how it feels “SO GOOD!!!” to be with me. My emotions were rattled enough that I wasn’t feeling the sexual energy as much as usual. We kept stopping to talk some more in between making out, and at one part we were talking about how hard it is to find people that we like, and I told him that I like just about everything about him. His eyes sparkled and he told me that he loves me.

Soon things got hotter and heavier and we moved to the bedroom. He was less careful than he usually is about making sure I got mine (I didn’t) before he finished. I took note of that, figuring I can bring it up next time we hang out. I didn’t want to spoil the short time we had that evening.

During our post-coital cuddling, he just kept sighing and talking about how good it feels to be close to me. I stared at the ceiling, distracted, thinking about how unfair life is that I met this amazing guy with whom I connect on so many levels, but each point of connection necessarily remains a more shallow one than I’d like it to be, due to circumstances. Normally, I’m really good at staying in the moment with him and just enjoying the time we have when we have it, but our previous conversation had me casting forward to the future.

The more he progresses through therapy and becomes less volatile, and the further he comes out of the depression he’d been in due to his past abusive relationship and unemployment, the more I see a grown-up, relatively emotionally stable REALLY COOL HUMAN emerging from the beautiful mess he’d been just a few months ago. And, like, I do wish I could have more of him than I can. I would never push his boundaries to try to get more when he’s said he doesn’t want more himself—that would be disrespectful and unethical—but I do still feel a little wistful sometimes.

I dunno. It comes and goes, this sense of dissatisfaction with the situation. Some days, I just want to say fuck it and try to forget he exists. Other days, I mope and pine about I’m not even sure what—I guess that I don’t live in an alternate universe where we can just really be together. Yet other days I just want to get on with the platonic part already so that I can push all of the nonsense aside and still hang out with him.

And then there are the days when I’m totally fine with the situation and just looking forward to seeing him, no kind of angst attached, only mellow anticipation. Those days, I want to just ride it out as long as it lasts, and I wonder what I'm so stirred up about the rest of the days. My emotions are rarely so wishy-washy on a subject as they are about him. It’s so confusing!

But, in a way, I guess it is just more of that same tale that’s as old as literature: star-crossed, doomed love that tries to grow through the cracks of what is allowed.

I kind of think that one of the benefits of not trying to start any new relationships once this thing is done will be not having to go through this again any time soon.
__________________
Reverie: 36f/bi/poly
Rider: Reverie's husband, 41m/bi/poly, dating Annie and others
Dustin: Reverie's boyfriend, 40m/straight/mono
Annie: Rider's connection, 40f/bi/poly, also partnered

My blog is here.
Total cast of characters therein can be found here.
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