Is there a "how to" guide? monogamous to poly/mono

PolyKat

New member
Hi, I'm new here. This entire poly thing is new to me, but when I discovered it while googling 'coming to terms with monogamy', I ran into a poly article that discribed my fantasy (not sexual) of my fiance and I married, happy, living in our dream house with our kids, his live-in girlfriend and my live-in boyfriend...

The problem is that my fiance can't stomach the thought of me being with another man, and is convinced that no matter how many times I tell him it's okay, it would hurt me to see him with another woman.

Telling him that I believe I'm poly would be telling him that I would like the freedom to have another man in my life. That would hurt him deeply. Is there a way to describe my feelings to him that helps him understand that it's not anything lacking on his part, but the fact that I just truly don't believe in monogamy?

Your "how to" guidance would be most helpful.. and if it comes down to the fact that I'm just stuck being monogamous, then I'll continue on my google search.
 
Let me also state that I am highly susceptible to some men's pheromones. Not too often do I find a man that pushes me over the edge, but very rarely. He and I have already had that discussion and again, he didn't understand it and found himself livid that another man, by scent (or unscented sense) alone could stir something up in me. Adding poly thoughts to that might just be too much if not done right.

-Kat
 
If you can get him to read a few books on opening up your relationship then that would be a start. Both of you should read together. Here's the thing though, he might simply not be willing to invest heavily in a person who is not monogamous. I think it would be very wise to explore this before you get married. You need to find out if you have compatible relationship goals - marrying a mono man will likely not make the situation easier and I am speaking from the perspective of a mono man.
 
I'd say you got your work cut out for you. The problem will not be pitching the intellectual argument ...or even getting agreement on that level. It's the gut punching emotion...or pain that's hard to overcome.

Acceptance or full embrace would be great but tolerance might be a good short term goal.

Do a search on poly/mono relationships and red pepper blog.


Good luck to you both D
 
I totally get the pheromone thing! So much so that I've only had lasting relationships with people whose skin (not soap or perfume or cologne) smells good to me. It's very weird to me that it's *such* a strong attraction for me.

I sympathize with your struggles with your fiance. For a while, I was dating this guy I really adored who was monogamous, and wanted to be monogamous with me. He really couldn't wrap his head around the idea that I'm happy with more than one person in my life, and kept trying to convince me that my open/poly relationship with my boyfriend was abusive to me (?!), that I should let him sweep me away for a nice little conventional marriage.

I finally had to cut off contact with him, because my capacity and desire for multiple relationships was so very hurtful for him, and he couldn't seem to find peace or let me be who I am. I also knew that I couldn't let him continue to hold onto hope that he could "convert" me.

I agree with MonoVCPHG - it's important to figure this out now, before you get married, and it's good that you're trying to find a way to be authentic before you make promises and commitments to each other. I think if you feel like being monogamous would be being "stuck," then you may want to take some time to decide if that's a route you can travel without resentment, bitterness, despair, or restlessness down the road. Ditto for the fiance, but the other way round :)

I'm not sure where you're from, but something that really helped me understand polyamory in a tangible way was to attend some local poly community events. It's one thing to read about it, but seeing someone and their girlfriend and their girlfriend's boyfriend and their three kids eating couscous at a potluck makes the whole thing seem much more normal and less bizarre and less sexually charged. That may be way too much for your fiance right now, but it's something that was beneficial to me.

I wish you luck that you and your fiance can come to a point where both of you are happy and fulfilled :) And welcome to the community from one newbie to another!
 
I also have to second the smell and attraction thing. If I am attracted to someone, they always smell good to me no matter what they've been doing, how sweaty and so on. Oil Man has come over reeking of gas and while i notice it, he just smells earthy to me. (He showers anyway - gas is a powerful solvent and not something one wants near delicate lady parts.) On the flip side, if someone smells bad to me, I will never be attracted to them - it doesn't matter if they are physically good looking, charming, good personality, etc. Not going to happen.

More importantly, please don't get married until you and he have sorted through this. This is deal breaker territory and needs to be addressed before there is any further committment to each other.
 
Thanks everyone.. goodness. This is a frightening ride.....

We are definitely in deal breaker territory and I'm praying it ends well (or lasts for many happy years), but so far, not so good. In the past 7 days he has had more honesty than he probably ever though possible! From pheromones to polyamory.. and it has to be a real kick in the balls because it all revolves around feelings for others and he fails to realize that my passion for him is so incredibly deep.
 
He ... found himself livid that another man... could stir something up in me. Adding poly thoughts to that might just be too much if not done right.
Sounds like he feels a sense of ownership over you, as if you are his property. Being that possessive does not bode well for you if you really want to live polyamorously. This is going to need lots and lots of talking and soul-searching, perhaps even for a year of more, before embarking on any additional relationships.
 
He does feel a sense of ownership. He states that, "...as long as you're mine..." when we get into these discussions. He wasn't possessive when we got together. It seems like somewhere along the road, I made him that way.
 
He does feel a sense of ownership. He states that, "...as long as you're mine..." when we get into these discussions. He wasn't possessive when we got together. It seems like somewhere along the road, I made him that way.

You didn't make him any way, though it's possible that his relationship with you helped him realize/express that side of himself. Or maybe this is just something that would have happened for him no matter what. It's up to him to decide if it's something he wants to embrace or work around, though of course you can encourage him in a certain direction.

I highly recommend the essays at www.morethantwo.com, the intro ones are written as if talking to someone who completely doesn't get the concept of poly. Maybe something on there could be helpful.

Good luck.
 
I'm new here - and identify as mono to boot, so maybe this opinion is not welcome but I wanted to offer a different point of view on his use of possessive language.

Possessive language is so ingrained in our culture that for many people, it is often the goto way to express other feelings. Esp if this was said in the heat of an argument. When intense feeling of jealously, insecurity or abandonment are involved, it's easy to pick the words that come to mind quickly, ones we know from tv, movies or books, and they may not tell the whole story.

He may not mean "as long as your mine..." in terms of dictating your actions or beliefs, he may mean "as long as I stay your primary" or a host of other things. I can't tell your for sure if he wants to possess you without meeting him first-hand, but talk with him about what he really means by that before jumping to any conclusions.

Why is this my opinion? Because I've used this language before - usually while distressed and always without thinking first.
 
I'm new here - and identify as mono to boot, so maybe this opinion is not welcome but I wanted to offer a different point of view on his use of possessive language.

Your opinion is definitely welcome. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

We often use language poorly, without precision. And, you're correct that we often use stand-in concepts for what we really mean not thinking about the deep meaning of what is said.

One of the many reasons why communication is so difficult.

On the other hand, we do live in a heavily mysogonist, patriarchal environment that encourages such distainful notions for men in particular. But, also women have corresponding expectations that are equally as corrosive.

Picking through whether the dominant norm is operating or something else entirely requires lots of committed communication.
 
Possessive language is so ingrained in our culture that for many people, it is often the goto way to express other feelings.

I've thought that very thought myself, and I've wondered if there is some other easily-spoken, natural-sounding idiom that can be used instead of the familiar, possessive ones.

One might say, "my wife," or "my girlfriend," out of ingrained habit, when one might prefer to express "the mother of my children, the woman to whom I've pledged to spend the rest of my life" or "the girl with whom I have a deep connection, who chooses to spend time with me," but those constructs, though accurate, make for awkward and stilted-sounding conversation.

I'm kinda strange, I guess, but for the woman I've had a crush on for a long time, I'd get a kick out of introducing myself as "her boy toy" rather than introducing her as "my girlfriend." At this point, neither are true, but I think you see where I'm going.

We often use language poorly, without precision. And, you're correct that we often use stand-in concepts for what we really mean not thinking about the deep meaning of what is said.

[...snip...]

On the other hand, we do live in a heavily mysogonist, patriarchal environment that encourages such distainful notions for men in particular. But, also women have corresponding expectations that are equally as corrosive.

Alas, most of recorded history has been that of women being treated poorly by men--almost as furniture. It is only in the relatively recent past that this has begun to change (and in many societies, it still has not changed). The history lives on in the language, even without most people being conscious of the origins of the idioms they use, and of the corrosiveness of the ideas behind them.[1]

By far, the most corrosive and toxic idea (IMHO) is the Princess Bride style "one true love" fantasy and all of the BS that surrounds it. At best, one couple in eight has a shot at that (I got there from applying Bayes Theorem to the U.S. divorce rate, and to U.S. infidelity rates, which I've seen quoted as 60% among men and 40% among women). The other seven couples suffer from the toxicity of unrealistic expectations, and the pain that comes when those expectations are not (cannot be?) met.

MT

[1] As a humorous (and somewhat horrifying) example, consider how many people use the phrase, "your turn in the barrel" without having any idea of how that phrase came to be! Thus it is with much of our language.
 
Going back to the OP's request for some advice, I'd like to offer up my experience as both a cautionary tale as well as some how-to guidance for how I have been creating a poly/mono relationship with my mono partner of 5 1/2 years.

When I first broached the topic of non-monogamy with her, she threw a coffee cup at the wall. Granted, she has a temper, but this was a real indication of her initial feelings about it. We had been together about 3 years at that point and married for one year. I didn't bring it up again for another year. I was very unhappy during that time, swallowing most of my feelings down and feeling like I couldn't talk to her about what I was going through inside myself, coming to the full realization and acceptance of the fact that I am poly.

When I did bring it up again, it was because I eventually cheated on her. (With someone who smelled really damn good to me!) This was horrible, and obviously the worst possible way to re-introduce the subject. But it did force me to get real with myself and with her, and look at my situation directly. We had some really difficult conversations after that, where I basically said, "Look, I did this terrible thing and I never, ever want it to happen again. I can no longer be authentic to who I am and promise you that I will never be with anyone else. But I can promise to tell you the truth, and to honor your feelings and work through this together."

Long story short, here we are about a year after that with a bumpy but progressing poly/mono relationship and very explicit agreements. I ended up having an ongoing playdate relationship with the person I cheated on her with for about 6 months, and have recently started seeing someone new.

The advice I would have for you if you are going to embark on these conversations and really want it to work, is to be very patient and understanding, and at the same time be as honest and authentic as you can be. This builds trust, and also gives your partner the room to have his feelings and know that you can sit with those. Personally, I'm still trying to find the balance between sitting with someone else's difficult emotions and feeling compromised or blamed in some way, so I can't give you advice on that. But I can say that with my mono partner, being willing to spend a LOT of time listening to her and really helping her to feel heard has made all the difference in making progress and (re)building trust. Also identifying her particular fears around poly stuff really helped. Like for her, it wasn't about the sex but it was important to establish (and repeat again and again) that I was not looking to replace her, that she is the only one I want a primary relationship with, the house, the marriage, the dog, and maybe someday kids with, etc.

I hope that helps. Best of luck to you!!
 
Thanks, Beginninglove!

My fiance and I had a huge breakthrough today and he's now (in a Grey's Anatomy, Meredith and Cristina kind of way) my "Person". I've been dealing with a particular guy and this whole pheromone issue for some time now and it has been really difficult to work through it on my own with no one to talk to about it. Now, after a few days and sleepless nights and well into the morning hours, my man and I have finally had a breakthrough that left me in a very happy (crying at my desk at work, happy on the phone with him), extatically overjoyed place.. and I can talk to him now.

He is also breathing easier, eating again and doing well. I'm so very pleased and I thank everyone on this site and this site just for existing and helping us work through things. I have his understanding and an open line of communication and I couldn't ask for anything more!

Soooooooooooo happy!!!!!

-Kat
 
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