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  #81  
Old 06-16-2015, 09:37 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I've seen quite a few instances where someone's monogamous partner refuses to consent to polyamory, so the advice (one of the options) offered is to say, "Well, I am unwilling to close, so, I am going to have a poly relationship with a second partner. I hope you won't break up with me, but you can if you want."

Is that cheating? (or at least somehow doing wrong?) Some say it's just stating your boundaries and then letting incompatibility run its course. Personally I am uneasy about it.
Well, if you do it early in the relationship I would buy the "stating boundries, let (in)compability run its course". But most likely, when entering the relationship you agreed it would be monogamous.

You want to play by new rules. Of course you can initiate that you are having other lovers no matter what. People also say, after a few years, I want us to sell the house and travel the world, or, sure we never discussed babies but now after eight years I want one, or I want to quit my state official job and make my living as a novel writer, or I never want to see your mother again for as long as I live. But it is also likely that the other person is not on board with that. I would not say it is cheating, but it is insensitive to change the rules without having your partner on board with it. And you risk the other person saying: Poly is not an option or, no, you can't sell our house, or there IS/isn't going to be a baby, or I am not supporting your writer's dream, or MILs are part of the package deal. Saying take it or leave it is not wrong, but it is risky.
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  #82  
Old 06-16-2015, 09:50 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hmmm, interesting ...
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  #83  
Old 06-18-2015, 06:37 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
But most likely, when entering the relationship you agreed it would be monogamous.
Most likely, monogamy was an unstated assumption, not an explicit agreement. Most people in our culture take monogamy for granted. Alternatives are rarely discussed.

But I do agree that just laying down your new plan and offering "take it or leave it" as the only option... is stupid.

It comes down to owning your shit. If your personality / lifestyle / life goals have significantly changed, out of sync with your partner, that's totally normal. It happens. But own it. Don't act like it's your partner's fault for not "keeping up." Don't force them to break-up with you because you're too chicken shit to take responsibility. That's extremely passive aggressive.

Is it wrong? Well, it doesn't get any more subjective than that. Pretty sure the person on the receiving end of "suck it up, cupcake" would think it's pretty rotten, that's for sure. But it doesn't violate anyone's autonomy, unlike cheating, so I personally don't have an ethical problem with it. It's just douchey.

If you're grown-up enough for polyamory, you better be grown-up enough to sit down with your partner and have an honest discussion about life paths, and then come to an agreement (not coercion) about whether or not you can continue in a relationship or not.
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  #84  
Old 06-19-2015, 11:47 PM
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Sounds like a lot depends on how one words/approaches it.
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