Talking to parents about the polyamory lifestyle

Terra

New member
Perhaps this should go into the "New to polyamory" section, but I'm throwing it out here. I am very close to my parents. My mother literally lives a mile down the road from us and is very active with our lives and with caring for our daughter. We both work, and she has always been very involved- providing care when our daughter is sick, picking her up at school so we can go home and get dinner ready, letting her have sleepovers so we can have "date night" every week, etc. Because of this, it seemed impractical to not let her know that we've decided to try out polyamory, as she always asks what we're doing when we go out, etc. The whole idea of "opening" our marriage was so that there would be no deceit, as I slipped up and had an affair and could not live that way.

So, with the spirit of "openness", I told my mother that my husband and I are seeing other people and that we are supportive of one another in these efforts. I mentioned the word "polyamory" to her, and she had never even heard of it. Her first thought was that we had become swingers, and I had to sit down and explain the differences. In any case, she is struggling to accept our choices, feels we are "setting a bad example" for our five year old daughter, and even showed up to one of my therapy sessions in order to confront me about it. It's causing a lot of tension in our day-to-day interactions, and I am not sure how to handle things.

I'm curious to know how others have handled discussing polyamory with their parents, and also to see if anyone has any advice. I am not going to base my life's decisions on the approval of my parents, but at the same time, the particular family arrangement we have requires us to live in harmony.
 
For my husband and I, we have chosen not to share this with our family and friends. A lot of people just can't wrap their mind around opening yourself to loving more than one person, they either see it as 'evil', wrong or playing with fire :) We had two very different experiences with opening up to people: One was to my brother, who had/has a negative reaction to it and I wish we had not told him, out of necessity we did but looking back, I just wish we had made up an elaborate lie :rolleyes: It has put a slight distance between us. The second one, my husband's daughter, was much more understanding and curious and can see the benefits to such a relationship.

So, my husband and I have just decided that the people in our life don't really need to know. And I don't want to make someone uncomfortable around me, just for the sake of coming out and telling people something that they really don't need to know :)
 
I would have waited, personally, until I had some solid other relationships rather than when you're in the newbie dating stage trying to figure it all out yourself, but you already told her, so...

Did she ever know or find out about the affair you had?

You could pose it to her that way, you know, like: "Would you rather see me having an affair in secret and deceiving my husband, sneaking around so my children don't know where I really am? Or isn't it healthier to be honest and open with each other about what's going on?" And then be firm, "Look, I know this is something you object to, but I feel you are not making an attempt to understand. My husband and I love each other and have made this choice knowingly and willingly, and I would like to know I have your love and support even though you do not approve."
 
ncyindie- yes, she knew about the affair. In fact, she figured it out before I ever told her, as she knew him already and picked up on the vibes. She's always been hyper-intuitive about me and my life, and so I guess I figured she'd somehow mysteriously know anyway. What you suggested I tell her makes a lot of sense- I just stammered my way through the conversation. I was a miserable wreck when I was having the affair, and I feel 1,000 times better now that my husband and I are living our lives openly and ethically. I swear- there are people who have an easier time understanding an affair than with understanding polyamory.

Sounds like I have some boundary issues to work on, where she's concerned. I probably shouldn't have told her. I guess my thought was that "open" means that you have to be out with the entire world right away, and that's taking the definition a bit too literally. :(
 
Last edited:
it's possible that my parents might understand....possible, but a stretch... my wife's parents would disown us and probably send a preacher to our door. not good.
 
I used to be really emotionally entwined with my mother. I used to feel like I would never grow up. My therapist used to say to me, "Go stand in front of a mirror naked. If you've got pubic hair, you're a grown-up." Haha, that was years ago before everyone shaved or waxed. But really, after a certain age, it is the best thing in the world to start seeing our parents as simply other people and to realize that we are adults who make our own decisions. You mother showing up at your therapy session was not only rude, but the height of imposing her beliefs on you -- and a flagrant disregard for your privacy and rights as a person making your own decisions. Doesn't matter if you came out of her womb, she had no right to insinuate herself into your session and I think only good stuff can come out of standing up to her!!
 
I think that because your mother is so intwined in your life, you likely would have had to say something sooner than most people anyway, and at that point it would have been because she "found out" something.

The fact is, you are an adult, and you and your husband have come to this decision together. I think it is time for a sit down to explain to her that while you value her opinions and the time you spend together as a family, that you are now an adult and she needs to respect that the choices you make may not be the choices she would make AND VICE VERSA. I think some people forget that their choices might not be "approved of" by all as well. :)

What did your therapist say when she showed up? Maybe you could have this discussion with your therapist there (if you feel like this would help), so that there's a third party to be objective.
 
I told my parents about my married girlfriend over a year ago and at the time my mom was pretty displeased and upset for me... she kept saying stuff like "You can see how a parent would want their daughter to find the one person she can be happy with." She didn't ask about my girlfriend for almost a year. Now she's gotten much more calm about the idea... I can bring my gf and she'll ask questions and actively seek to understand the situation. She is even open to getting dinner with her at some point.

Basically, her seeing that I'm still happy a year later and that nothing catastrophic has happened has made a biiiig difference.
 
My mother knew I had an affair with GG. She drove us to the hospital when I had an abortion. She didn't approve, but she knew.

When our dynamic became a poly dynamic, I was open with her. She has been very understanding-even though she is very religious and very monogamous.

The key I think is in having self-confidence in your decision. Also, it helps A LOT if it's a joint conversation. It's REALLY hard to say "we have decided to do this unusual, commonly unheard of thing which looks like it may be cheating, but really isn't" if it's not WE having the conversation. You know?

The biggest suggestion I have for you would be to give her some links (if she's computer friendly) or print it yourself on the topic.

Lovingmore.com might be a good start. Also, I can't recall the link, but Redpepper (on here) might know if you pm her, there is a lady "kiki" who has been doing blog posts on poly with kids. I know she posted one by me and one by RP recently. You might ask RP for that link and give it to your mom too, since she's expressed concern about your daughter.

Good luck!!

(fyi-if you want info about being out-feel free to pm me-we're out with pretty much everyone).
 
I can't even imagine telling my parents about our open marriage. I can't imagine telling most of my friends, to be honest, although I've told a couple of them that I knew could handle the information. My parents are conservative and judgmental and there would be no end to the lectures about the sacredness of marriage (never mind that of the entire family, including my parents and 5 siblings, I'm the only one still on my first spouse).
 
My dad was afraid we would lose something special. His words, not entirely sure what he meant. I don't want to say he doesn't approve, because we've really moved past that point in our relationship, but he doesn't get it, and doesn't want to know. However, I do my best to ignore this, and if it is natural to talk about Mr. A, then I do so. For example, if I've visited Mr. A and he asks what I did on the weekend, then I tell him I went to see Mr. A.

And he does seem to be slowly getting that this strange thing that he would never dream of doing does actually work for us. Recently-ish, I had a rough go with some stuff, and he said, "Well, you've got Indigo and Mr. A to support you, too." That was a great feeling.

Dan Savage, a sex advice columnist, advises gay kids coming out to their parents to give the parents one full year to ask stupid questions and be insensitive clods. In that time, it is the kid's responsibility to be patient with their parents and educate them and it is the parents' responsibility to educate themselves. After that, if they are still being unreasonable, the only power you really have over them is your presence in their lives. If they won't accept you as you are, well, removing yourself from their lives is really the only leverage you have.

Since poly is quite unheard of, I'm thinking Dad gets a few years.
 
I've been very lucky in that my biological mother was SO understanding. When we told her, she said "Well, I'm glad it works so well for you. Do you have a girlfriend now?" When I told her we did, and that was why we wanted to tell her, she was happy for us. :D I love my mom.
 
parents

wow, I feel lucky! I only have a mum to worry about and I decided to tell her myself, by myself because I wanted her to know that I wanted all this to happen and its something I have control in as an equal. She asked a heap of questions about Google and is fine with it. I mean sure she would prefere I kept with just the hubby. Her biggest concern was actually that Google looks like a supermodel and I look like well, not a supermodel or maybe three/four supermodels put together lol. On the other hand if we told anyone elses parents - input drama here - As for friends and other family etc. we really have no need to tell them and as we are keeping it secret from work its probly better we don't tell.
 
check out the "coming out" threads... there is a lot in there about parents if you do a tag search.

I had a huge coming out to mine... didn't go over well at all as they believed there was abuse going on. You can read about it on my blog if you wish. Or here.
 
Mum pretty much whole-heartedly has hated everyone I've ever gone out with it, so it's just intensified hate with multiple partners :rolleyes:.

No, honestly, I get where you are coming from. It is hard to face disappointing your parents, especially if you are economically and emotionally entangled with them and rely on them for practical support, like you do.

For me, the biggest helpful realization has been that I don't owe my parents anything. The decision to bring another human being into this world and to raise it is a free, voluntary decision, whereas a baby can hardly decide if and to whom to be born. Parents owe their children, not the other way around. It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy, if you could even theoretically do that for another person in the first place.

I have the same situation in that my mother lives very close by and is very up-to-date as to the goings on in my life. And since I've never been able to lie to her very well if at all, she immediately caught up on the whole poly thing. She has reacted a bit differently to each of my relationships;

1) Sweetheart; "What an irresponsible twat, to start sweet-talking another woman while his wife is left to take care of the kids"
2) The Sweets; "You are being used, moron, to pepper up somebody else's worn and tired marriage, and will be discarded in all due course"
3) VanillaIce; "I don't want you to be seen anywhere with HER. I mean, why can't you just get healthy already? Get yourself a nice man and two kiddos and make me a Grandma"
 
I "came out" to my mother a few months back. I don't think she quite understands the complexity of it, or that my feelings for my BF are very real - but she's supportive. I think she's convinced it's a phase, though. Oh well. It is what it is.
 
We have friends whose family found out about them and they are still dealing with the backlash six months later. It basically showed us that we never want our parents to find out about our poly relationship. The backlash from it would be devastating. In my mind it is better to keep it a secret.
 
This is something I have thought about a lot. When I was poly involved I really wanted to introduce my mom to all of this.. I wanted her to know who I love.

I think she would be interested, and maybe even happy for me, while at the same time, think I am nuts for wanting to open up my heart for heartbreak.

My mother is.. the most loving person you could meet, but also the most monogamous. She has stuck by my fathers side, in death for the last 12 years. She found her soulmate, but is completely accepting of everyone around her..

I visit in August, I will likely bring it up in passing. She knows about my BDSM and even my ummmm.. happy indiscretions with my ex, so this will probably not come as a surprise. Besides Pengrah creates a lot of scandle in my family so she probably already can guess.. hahaha

As it stands, my aunts and uncles know (they were swingers and lived through the 60's).. their default response.. "we did that too, but it was too hard, sex was easier" or the "it was a phase for us".. yes, that was a weird conversation to have at my cousins wedding while I was trying to pick up an ex of ours.. haha...
 
my mom asked me at age 14 what i was interested in. i was open and strait forward with her... i wanted a 3 sum with 2 bi women. she seemed fine with it and supportave. "what ever you want sweety" now, 13 years later, i konw i CAN tell my mom im a swinger and llking into poly, but my wife would be too freaked out if she knew. and she would feel bad that she couldnt tell her mom

(hispanic orthodox catholic)


so... we limit it to a fiew non-alternateve lifestyle friends that can handle the truth. but even then if we start to talkabout it, they usually ask us not to go into any detail... thus is y im here, one of the only venues i can get to and talk to people about our ACTUAL life.

i feel like i have this big secret i want to announce to the world, like money burning a hold in my pocket that just needs to be spent.

i cant wait untill american society is open enought to accept ALL human walks of life and thought.
 
We've told my father and he wasn't at all shocked about it. Well, quietly positive would probably be the best description.
He said that it was our life and we could choose our own relationships like we wanted. :)

He has yet to actually meet BlackUnicorn and VanillaIce but I don't really have any fears about it and I'm sure they'll get along just fine.
My sister was a little more skeptical about the situation but was willing to wait and see how it works out.

We haven't yet directly told Windflower's parents but her mother kinda knows we're poly as she noticed we belong to a polyamory group in Facebook. Windflower said she'll break the news eventually but for now she still wants to keep it her own sweet little secret :D
 
Back
Top