the story of a secondary

Oof, reading the stories of people in situations similar to mine can be rough! If they're getting "more" I feel vaguely envious, if they're getting "less" I feel vaguely indignant for them.

Feeling the need to reflect on the positive. Here are a few of the things I love about my relationship with Gia:

- We're out to all of our friends, unconditionally. We show each other all sorts of public affection and she's not in the least afraid to show her feelings for me. Tonight she had a small get together at her place. Several friends were already there by the time I arrived. She spotted me through the window as I walked up and she started waving madly and going "Yay, Anna, yay!" All I could do was grin.

- Friends are one thing, but she came out to her parents about being with me, despite the fact that they can be judgmental. She also came out to some of her co-workers -- basically, anyone with whom she wants to have real, authentic communication knows about us.

- She started a tumblr blog of her own and shared it with me. Like mine, it largely serves to catalogue images and ideas that turn her on. We each follow the other's blog, and it's like having a window directly into one another's libidos. It's an easy, clear, fun, and super hot way to get a better understanding of our sexualities. Which, it turns out, are compatible in some extremely exciting ways.

- If she feels jealousy, she's managed never to let it show in her actions. She's not weird in the least about any of my interactions with Eric, even though I told her that I love him and I enthusiastically enjoy sex with him. She's encouraging about my relationship with Davis. She didn't blink an eye at Harry or any of my other more casual flings.

I could, of course, go on, but I've gotta sleep!
 
It was lovely to read about the positives in your relationship with Gia. :) I can also understand why you're struggling at times. It's impossible to see what the future holds and if the situation has continued quite a while already and there's no end in sight (at least not in the near future), it might feel hopeless. But then again, it could get better. I guess there's nothing else to do than assess if the relationship is worth it now, in this moment and this situation. We only have this one life, so as long as you feel your relationship makes you more happy than sad/frustrated, I'd say there's hope. :)
 
Gia admitted to me the other day that she has a crush on our friend Dexter. I was kind of delighted to hear it. Dexter is adorable, very sweet, and could really, really use some closeness in his life. It's funny, because I would be pretty pissed off if she devoted much time to him right now, when she and I have so little. But at the same time, he's just so damn cute.

She's been exploring her dominant desires lately, thanks at least in part to my encouragement, and I know that she's discovered that she wants very much to dominate a man, which Eric just isn't into. If she could get that with Dex, that'd be so damn awesome. I have no particular reason to think he's kinky, much less submissive, but I could picture it. But even if it didn't go down that way, even if it were just vanilla sex, I could never begrudge her a night with him... Eric is *still* her one and only male partner, whereas I've had plenty of partners, both male and female, over the years. She deserves the chance to experience some of life's delicious variety too. So I've got all of these positive feelings about her state of crushing, and on the one hand would love to see her pursue it, but on the other hand I know I could end up wicked-jealous pretty easily, what with the alone-time-deprived state she and I are in right now.

When she told me, my first response was to squeal "Ohmygosh that's so cute, you dating Dexter would be so cute!!" and her response was "I don't have time to date Dexter," before going on to talk about why she likes him. Soooo, it probably won't go anywhere??? But we'll see. I wouldn't mind her sleeping with him *once*, for the experience, but after that she and I would need to be spending a good deal more time together before I think I could be ok with it becoming more than that. I feel silly flinging my mind so far ahead when it's doubtful anything at all will even happen, but that's what I do, I overthink. I'll keep y'all updated, of course.

I spent most of the day at her place today, it was very pleasant. We crafted, took turns watching Bee, Eric made pizza, another friend who was visiting made fudge, Dexter came by for a little bit to work on something (so many of us seem drawn to spend time with G & E in their space!). It felt calm and warm and productive.

At one point, Eric curled up on the couch to rest. I kept glancing at him and then finally I couldn't take it any more, he looked so inviting. I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled him and said "I just have to cuddle you, look at you!" I stopped after just a moment and let him go back to resting.

At another point I gave Bee to Eric and he cried and reached back out for me. Eric tried to soothe him but he kept reaching and making upset sounds, so I took him back. He's always happy to see me, but that was the first time he's ever wanted my presence over that of one of his parents. I felt a little embarrassed about it, but if Eric was bothered he didn't show it.

Gia put on some perfume right before she kissed me goodnight tonight. Now it's lingering on my skin and it occurs to me that she probably put it on for just that propose. :) *dreamy sigh* The kinky things she's been posting on her tumblr, the little notes she adds here and there that I know are directed at me (in some cases because she explicitly says so, in others because it's just obvious), all of it is so tantalizing, it lingers, not unlike the wisps of perfume.

In just 5 days we'll all be at the big annual camping event together. Gia, Eric, Bee, Dexter, and our friend Summer and I will all be camping in the same spot. Summer is going to help with babysitting, yay! And Gia's parents will be around during the days to help too (they'll be staying at a hotel nearby to enjoy the event instead of camping).

I'm so, so, SO excited about the event in general, and especially about being with my peeps. Being apart from them last year was so hard. We're all going to be very busy, so I'm trying not to get TOO focused on all the things I want to do with her (D/s, sex, romantic stuff, partying... roughly in that order). But, just knowing that the opportunity will be there, it's impossible not to think about. I'm trying not to expect too much, we'll all be really busy. I'm trying to remind myself that we'll be able to make the space for a romantic/sexy date when we get back. Gods, I wish we'd done that before this, then maybe I'd feel less crazy. I feel so needy when it comes to her lately, like there's this ache that I know would fade if we could just have enough time to ourselves. She has so much of my heart. If we could do once a month just-us dates, I'd be ok. Deep breaths. We'll work it all out when we get back. Don't freak out, enjoy the objectively amazing things that you have.
 
It was lovely to read about the positives in your relationship with Gia. :) I can also understand why you're struggling at times. It's impossible to see what the future holds and if the situation has continued quite a while already and there's no end in sight (at least not in the near future), it might feel hopeless. But then again, it could get better. I guess there's nothing else to do than assess if the relationship is worth it now, in this moment and this situation. We only have this one life, so as long as you feel your relationship makes you more happy than sad/frustrated, I'd say there's hope. :)

Thanks. :) I do believe that it will get better. Heck, we've developed our relationship a lot in the last year in some ways, which we weren't necessarily expecting would happen. The pace of the improvement is just killing me. :p, But it brings too much happiness and enjoyment to my life for me to even consider giving up. It is worth it.
 
Hey all! High time I checked back in.

The big annual camping event, which I'm again choosing not to give too many details about so as to retain some small degree of anonymity, was intense -- kind of relaxing, kind of super hard, kind of mega-super-crazy fulfilling.

Gia, Eric, and Bee camped in their little custom camping structure. Our friend Summer and I camped right next to them, sharing my roomy tent. Dexter, another mutual friend and Gia's crush, camped on his own a little ways down the road, for logistical reasons, but spent a lot of time in our camp. Gia's parents stayed at a hotel nearby and visited daily.

The days and nights were full of classes and parties, and we all also rested and swam a great deal. I loved spending time with my peeps, cooking meals together, chatting, juggling the baby. Bee can walk now and knows a few words. It's just becoming more and more rewarding to interact with him.

As an aside, Gia's parents seemed totally chill and accepting of my presence, especially her mom, who smiled at me a lot. I think she must be comparing me to their last gf, who was involved in a lot of pain and strife with them. It wouldn't be hard to see how different things are now. She also seems to really appreciate and respect my relationship with Bee. It's kind of amazing and I'm truly grateful to her for not being weird about me dating her married daughter. :) Of course, my appreciation for her is muddled somewhat by the fact that she basically emotionally abused Gia for part of her childhood??? But Gia assures me that she's become a different person since then, which certainly seems to be the case.

Anyways, all of this was a huge contrast to last year, when I'd decided that it made more sense logistically for me to camp separately from them. It did, in a way, but I think I was also just afraid that it would hurt too much to be close to them all the time when they were still figuring out how close they could let me (Gia was still in needing-space mode at that time). I may well have been right, who knows, but it also hurt to be apart from them. This year, I felt very warm, relaxed, and part of a unit with them most of the time. I was so very happy, so often, with just our simple day to day interactions. There was one especially nice afternoon where Bee fell asleep in my arms as we laid together in a hammock. I also felt seen and understood by Eric, in a number of small ways, which is always so meaningful to me.

Where things didn't feel so good was for the first several days, in terms of me wanting to be closer to Gia, and having difficult feelings about her interest in Dexter. I was already going into things feeling vulnerable, like I needed more quality time with her, feeling fragile about the relationship in general (as detailed here -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=143866&postcount=466 -- and here -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=144036&postcount=471). While I wanted it very much, the opportunity to spend much solo time didn't really present itself for those first few days, and I didn't push.

Then, one evening, we all went out partying and Gia ended up taking Dexter aside and kissing him. She told me and Eric immediately afterwards and was obviously giddy. I was genuinely happy for her... as I've mentioned, she's never had another male lover and she really wants one.At the same time, it genuinely hurt to see her so excited over someone new while I was in the midst of struggling with things between us. It helped that Dexter is so very sweet and unassuming, a hard person to resent in any way.

Not long after, Eric announced that he might try to hook up with a bartender chick who seemed into him. I was surprised at the timing. Was he, in fact, feeling some jealousy as well and choosing to deal with it like this? Or did he just figure that this was a good chance to have some fun, meaningless sex without having to worry about Gia potentially being jealous, since she had someone else to occupy her? Either way, it seemed kinda weird, but I didn't comment. It's their relationship and it's not like he was out of line.

Dexter, Gia and I moved on to another party, leaving Eric behind to flirt with his bartender. While we were waiting in a line, I made a move. Admittedly terrible timing, since she was clearly so excited about having at last made a successful advance on a boy she had a crush on, who was still with us, but I was feeling wounded, as I said, and was looking for some validation of my importance to her. I feel kinda dumb about it now. But anyway, there in the line I whispered to her, "So, sounds like your bed may be free tonight... wanna spend some time together?" She considered it for a moment but then, with some small regret in her voice, said she wanted to keep partying.

I played it cool -- nothing is less sexy than someone who can't handle a "no" -- but not long after, I slipped away. I was drunk, feeling maudlin and rejected and lost. I found a quiet spot and cried to myself for a few moments. Then, walking back, I ran into Eric. Apparently he hadn't been successful. He and I went to yet another, different party together, and hung out separately there. I left after a while and just walked along the torchlit paths, crying to myself intermittently, totally not caring if anyone saw me. Not my proudest moment. I actually got completely lost, even though I know the pathways well in the daytime, which was just depressing on top of everything else.

Eventually I calmed down and found my way back to the party where Gia and Dexter still were. They were talking, sitting very close together. "Oh hey guys, sorry for intruding," I said, and plopped my head onto Gia's lap. I was really sloshed, what can I say. Gia took me aside and said some really beautiful things to me about how much she sees in me, how she knows she hasn't been able to give me what I deserve. I asked her if we could just spend some time together, the two of us. She promised me a night before the trip was over. Eric and I ended up walking back to camp together, me leaving heavily on him to stay upright.

The next night I said I needed some time to myself, and walked far away from all the camps, to the top of a hill. As I walked, I thought about all of the expectations and desires that I hold and how they hurt me, all the unanswered questions that I obsess over. One by one, I recited them to myself and let them go. Then I just laid on my back, looked at the stars, and thought about my life. It was calming.

The next morning, I thought about the time left in the trip and the various plans we had for our evenings and realized that a solo evening between Gia and me, along the lines that she had promised, might be very hard to find. I brought this up to her and she concurred, looking unhappy. When she left camp I followed after her and told her that it was ok, I understood.

But that day, as I went about my business, I wondered if I had lied to her. I sure as hell didn't feel ok. I wondered if I should tell her about my bad reaction to her kiss with Dexter and her subsequent "no thanks" to my offer of sex. I couldn't bring myself to be ok with the idea of admitting how poorly I'd dealt with things when I so wanted her to have the chance to be with Dexter, so wanted to be able to be ok with a "no" when it had been the wrong moment anyway. I decided that it was ok to keep an embarrassing, drunken overreaction to myself, that telling her about it might well just push her away and ruin her trip, but that unless something major happened to shift my feelings, I would HAVE to have a serious talk with her. There's fairness to your partner and then there's fairness to yourself, and in trying so hard to respect the former I was beginning to feel that I was losing all sight of the latter.

(cont.)
 
(cont. from last post)

But then... things *did* majorly shift, over the course of a couple of days in a row.

First, we went shopping together. Gia had seen a BDSM toy that she found very intriguing and wanted to show it to me. We almost went in for it 50/50, but she decided to custom order one instead. While we were there, I pointed out a collar I liked and said that I thought I'd buy it. She bought it for me instead. :) :) It wasn't what you'd think of in D/s circles as a collaring, but it was still special, especially since I know she doesn't have a ton of cash lying around. I wore it a LOT that week.

Next, later that afternoon, Gia and I happened to be alone in camp together. I had been gearing up to tell her how much I needed some closeness with her. But then I thought, why not just *try*, without words, all smooth, like someone who actually still possesses a sense of their own desirability, and... just see. So, I stepped into their camping contraption next to her. We chatted. I started rubbing her shoulders. We kissed. I started nibbling on her neck and left a good-sized hickey. Then I started rubbing lower. I asked if it was ok, and she murmured back that it was. I ended up on my knees, eating her out. It was amazing, so delicious and right, and we went on like that for some time. But then Bee tried to come in, and Gia realized that other people might actually be able to see us through a window in their camping thing, and that pretty much killed the moment. But what a moment. :) *sigh* Dexter and Eric, as it turns out, had been outside for at least a little while, and I liked the idea that they must have known some of what was going on... I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and, yes, there was a part of me that just wanted to send the message "Hey, boys, this is MY woman too!!", as petty as that might be. :p I felt sooo much better afterwards, from just the simple act of sexual connection which we've shared so infrequently this past year or so.

Then, the next day, we finally did something that I first asked for over a year ago. Gia henna'ed me. It's something she's good at, and used to do a lot, and I relished the idea of being marked by her in that way. She had an idea for a back piece and she spent an entire hour working on it. By the time she finished it was a gorgeous piece of art, just stunning, and also deeply personal, relating to my identity specifically, and to the love and D/s that we share in a very ingenious, artistic, and evocative way. This is not just me unwarrantedly gushing either, everyone who saw it was deeply impressed. :D I felt so honored to be walking around with this amazing symbol on my skin. By then, a great deal of my anxiety and upsetness had vanished.

Finally, the following night, there was a BDSM play party planned that I'd gotten wind of. I'd let Gia know about it, but wasn't sure if she was planning to go. I decided to call Davis. I told him that I'd been having a rough time during the trip and that I thought getting tied up and hit might make me feel a lot better. I told him that I wanted Gia to do it but, if she wasn't around to and I could find someone else I trusted, I might like to play anyway. He was very unsure at first. We talked at length, me explaining my position without pushing, he listening and positing concerns and questions. In the end, he said I should go for it, with a couple of very basic requested restrictions. I was so proud of him and grateful for that. I inquired with a friend, and got the name of an experienced dom who would almost certainly be happy to play and could gently introduce me to some new sensations. I checked with Gia, who was still unsure as to whether she was going, and she agreed that me playing with him sounded like a good idea.

In the end, Eric decided to stay in with Bee, while Gia, Dexter, and our friend Caeser joined me for the play party. Dexter and Caeser are both vanilla, but were curious and wanted to hang. Once we were there, I found the aforementioned dom and, indeed, he was open to giving things a go. He was great, actually, very respectful and sensitive and warm. Gia told me, again, to go for it, saying that she'd stay very nearby and watch him work. He flogged me, not *so* hard really though I had to say "yellow" twice (code for "slow down/lighten up"). It was intense, but it was just sensation, just an interesting experience that I wanted to try. What was really significant was afterwards, when Gia took me in her arms and wrapped me in something warm and took me over to the fire, brought me water, nuzzled me, took care of me. That felt delicious and perfect and right. Getting aftercare from this woman I so love feels like drinking fine dessert wine, indulgent and good.

And then, about a half an hour later, the dom and I went in for a second round. He asked me to name two things I'd like to try that we hadn't already done, which I did. Gia was again nearby. This time, I was blindfolded. And this time, at a cue between them that I had no idea was coming, Gia joined in. I won't detail what came next, as I've already done so on my tumblr --

http://pl

...the url for which

umb

...i will again split up

at.tumb

...in the hopes of keeping this blog from being searchable

lr.com/po

...by people who know me elsewhere

st/29406279187/fou

...forgive me my paranoia

r-nights-ago

If you don't care to reconstruct the link and read about it, suffice to say it was overwhelming and amazing. She brushed her fingers so lightly against my crotch as she dommed me, maddening, amazing, incredible. And afterwards it was even better than before, I felt utterly at peace and taken care of. I told her how happy I was, and she told me how happy *she* was to be continuing to explore and develop this part of her identity, and told me that my "courage and ingenuity" were in large part responsible. *blush* We went back to camp not long after, and there was no longer any part of me that was remotely capable of feeling unwanted or ignored for the remainder of the trip.

*happy sigh*

So, yeah, emotionally it was a pretty damn schizophrenic week! I'm just so glad that it started its 180 when it did. If it hadn't, we would have had to have that talk, and I'm fairly certain it would have included something along the lines of "I don't know if I can keep doing this if things don't change"... and that's SO the last thing I want, to even have to *start* having a conversation like that, much less ever seriously consider breaking up. I'm so damn emotionally invested here, and I know she is too, despite the ways in which she can't always be there like I need.

Dexter rode with me on the six-hour drive home. We talked at length, I really like him. At one point I told him that he had my blessing to be with Gia, in case that mattered to him. He told me that, as much as he likes her, he's decided that he doesn't want to take things further. He asked me not to tell her until he had a chance to talk to her himself, which still hasn't happened. Damn it. Knowing how disappointed she'd be quashed any last remnants of resentment on my part. I truly felt ashamed for getting so worked up over a kiss and a conversation and nothing more, when I've had all sorts of other lovers while she and I have been together. There are extenuating circumstances that factor into my reaction, but still. I feel like I much better understand now the people who come to these boards struggling so mightily with jealousy that they KNOW is unfounded and unfair.

As an epilogue to all that, Eric had to go out of town for business almost immediately after they got back. He *hates* sleeping away from Gia, and he's never been away from Bee for even a night, so I've really felt for him during this time. However, it's left Gia with an empty spot in her bed, which I was only too happy to fill for a couple of nights.

Sunday night, which is when I got back, Davis and I crashed at my place. Monday night I absolutely had to do laundry and decompress. Thursday night (tonight) I promised to spend with Davis (we're going to dinner and a burlesque show in an hour :D ), and on Friday Eric returns. So, Gia and Bee and I had Tuesday and Wednesday night together this week. We cooked together, talked, played with the baby, and just were ourselves together. It was marvelous, and I knew that I was really truly a help to her. It was also good for my sense of perspective to learn firsthand just how hard it is to get to sleep with a restless baby in the bed, much less get any closeness. Definitely no "alone time" there!

The absolute best part was Wednesday morning. I got up first and started to get dressed, standing right at the edge of the bed. Gia was awake but still in bed. Bee woke up, squirmed for a minute, then saw me. He grinned at me. Then he clambered over her and threw himself at me, arms wide, and hugged me. To be loved like that, so unreservedly, by someone so innocent and perfect, is just an indescribable feeling. :) :) :)

Gia had a brief coffee date with Zed, the guy she was pursuing back in the winter, after work on Wednesday. She thought he might have changed his mind, but, no, he just wanted to catch up as friends. She was especially annoyed because he knows she wants him, and he made it sound like a date, which it wasn't, and if she'd known it definitely wasn't a date she would have just invited him to come over to spend time with her and the baby... bleh, people should just make their intentions clear. For my part, I didn't even feel the slightest pang of envy, as it was just an hour, and it actually didn't take away more than 30 minutes of time I could have potentially spent with her anyway, since I leave work later than she does. Back at her place, she sighed that she should have just spent the time with me, and thanked me for being in her life. She kissed me hard and bit at my neck, mmm.

(cont.)
 
(cont. from previous post)

That evening, I offered, yet again, to watch Bee more often. I pointed out that she and Eric *need* the time together. They really do... I don't think they're in any danger of splitting up, by any means, but they could stand to be a lot happier together right now, as a couple. This time she said yes, which I was relieved to hear. So, now I'll be babysitting once every two weeks.

I also, lest you think I'm just incapable of articulating my needs, asked her if she thought we could manage a date a month in future. She asked that we start by aiming for a minimum of a date every two months and ramp up from there once that feels feasible. I agreed. So, sometime in September I am going to damn well take her out to a fancy restaurant.

Dang! I had a lot to say, yo.
 
I loved reading the whole of it. You write so well. Totally made me emphatise with every single feeling you describe. Lovely.
 
I really love reading your blog! Like rory, I could totally empathize with your emotions - I went from being teary to gleeful over the course of your posts :)

I'm glad for you that things turned around, and that you got to have some time and some needs met with Gia. Yay for future fancy date nights to look forward to!
 
Aw, thanks so much for your kind words, guys! It's great to get all of this out and organized in a safe space.
 
Davis and I had a super rough conversation the night before last. Basically, it went like this, over the course of an hour or so after we'd gone to bed:

Him: You don't seem happy, is something wrong?
Me: I'm very happy sometimes when I'm with you, but other times I'm really not. I don't know what to do about it.
Him: I'm not happy very often, but you make me happy.
Me: Maybe you should get better at making yourself happy?
Him: You don't want me, this sucks. ;_;
Me: I need to be free to figure out what's best for me, but I don't feel like I truly am because I'm afraid you'll hurt yourself if I leave ;_; ;_; ;_; [gross sobbing]
Him: Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel trapped. I can hardly say I'd be fine if you left, but I wouldn't hurt myself.
Me: .....ok.
Him: What now?
Me: I don't know. I'm here right now. Let's go to sleep.

The next evening: Great sex and cuddles, feelings of closeness and possessiveness.

Confusing. :[

*

The other day, in the car, I found myself thinking about my feelings for Eric, and the ongoing, minor background annoyance of not ever having told him how I feel. I wondered, for the millionth time, if I should talk to him about it, and I imagined how it might go.

Then I said to myself "Hey. It's not a secret. You haven't acted like it's a secret, you've never hidden it, even if you've never said it out loud. You feel it, so you act on it to the extent you can while respecting his desire not to date. Why does there need to be more, why does there need to be some awkward proclamation? If you ever feel like it's really the right moment -- which it never has so far, but let's say it does some day -- or if you just absolutely need to go for it, then fine, do it, say it. Because it's not a secret. From this moment on, I'm letting go of the illusion that it's ever been a secret."

It felt freeing, and overdue, even if it didn't actually change anything about the situation.

Then, the next day, Gia and I had a long talk online. I told her about my difficult conversation with Davis (as detailed above) and she gave me good advice about needing to accept him as he is if he and I are going to stay together.

She talked about feeling guilty about not having enough time to give to me or Eric, and how sometimes this makes her pull away from us more, and how she knows this is counterproductive and is trying to change it. She theorized that her excitement about Dexter came in part from a complete lack of expectations and guilt, and how this showed her all the more that she needs to let go of expectations/guilt in order to make the most of her time with the two partners she already has. Without going into detail, I told her a little bit about how hard it had been for me to see her excitement over him. It was good to get that off my chest.

Then I mentioned my lingering angst over not speaking to Eric about my feelings for him. I also explained that, at the same time, I'm not even sure whether being in love with him is "real" or if it's sort of an artifact of physical intimacy and of thinking of the three of them as family (I actually finally said that I think of them as family!!). "But hey," I said, "it's not like I've been hiding it, it's gotta be obvious, right?" She said that he's "not unaware" of how I feel, and that he has "no problem with it" while also having "no desire to develop it". Huh. She said that she didn't like trying to express his feelings on his behalf, but at the same time knew that he was very unlikely to choose to express them himself.

Funny timing. Here I'd finally told myself that it wasn't a secret, only to have it confirmed that, indeed, it's not. It makes me feel better, to know that if I DO say something, he won't be surprised or unhappy. At the same time, I feel so exposed, it feels so unbalanced for me to feel this way and for him to merely accept it. And yet I'm so grateful to him for just accepting it and being cool about it. I *hate* the way it aches sometimes when I look at him. And yet I'm so glad just to be in their lives, him included, I dislike the idea of loving Gia separately from loving the rest of her life and the family she's built, which is the only way I could concretely divorce myself from this stupid unrequited silliness.

Confusing. :[ :[

So much unpacked in that one conversation! I might still ask her exactly how she knows that Eric knows that I feel for him as more than a friend (did she bring it up? did he? so curious!), or I might leave it be.

I've really gotta try to process less and try to just *be* more...
 
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I've really gotta try to process less and try to just *be* more...
Ahh... respectfully, I agree. You really put yourself through the wringer sometimes! :p

I wanted to tell you to relax and enjoy what life brings you every day without always thinking you need to stir the pot. Make sense?
 
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Relaxation, enjoyment, acceptance... yep, definitely things to strive for. I've been feeling it the last few days, at least. Chill about Davis, planning a mini-getaway for his birthday next month. Chill about Gia, drafted an email on scheduling a date and also a time to get dinner with my parents (something we discussed last year but which never actually happened due to scheduling issues), gonna wait to send it until things quiet down a little ( August had been a *very* busy month for both of us. Chill about Eric, I watched Bee last night and beforehand had a fun conversation with him and Gia about various stuff we're into, just friendly and amiable, and today he and I have been chatting online about nothing of consequence.

Chill, happy to have the things I have, to be loved and wanted and respected.
 
E, T, B and I spent this weekend with some old friends (and some other friends of theirs, some of whom we knew and some we didn't) at a big house on the beach that they had rented in celebration of their return from overseas. We all cooked and drank and talked and played board games and just relaxed. It was a *wonderful* time, although of course I managed to find little ways to torment myself here and there. :p

Tidbits:

- Our friends gave us the master suite, with the only king-sized bed, since, while another couple there also had a baby, we had three adults and thus needed the most space (poly perks!). Gia eyed the bed and made a comment about not being sure if we'd all fit, and I spent part of the first evening wrapped up in my head, trying to decide if I'd be able to handle it if she/they ended up deciding that they needed more space and asked me to relocate to an air mattress or the futon upstairs.

It didn't come to that -- we all fit just fine and slept well. Gia had a cold, and wanted to sleep on one end of the bed, where she could easily reach tissues. Bee sleeps between her and Eric, so my spot ended up being on the other end of the bed, next to Eric. His lower leg was pressed against mine as we were falling asleep, and it felt so warm and nice. He reached out once and gave my calf a quick caress. I squeezed his leg in return.

As we were laying there, a number of things happened, some nice and some less nice. For instance, Gia asked me to do an important favor for her, which made me feel good, but then another friend came and laid down beside her, which made me jealous because I wanted to be doing that. When I woke up, it took me a moment to understand that everything after the caress from Eric had been a series of dreams.

- At one point, a friend brought up a hobby that she wants to pursue. It's a hobby that Gia used to be very into, and Gia eagerly said that she thought she could spare a Saturday a month to work on it with our friend. I said nothing, but inside I was indignant -- how could she not be ready to commit to a monthly date night with me, yet be sitting there setting up a monthly hobby day with this friend??? I took a walk to cool off (and also because the view was gorgeous), and I reminded myself "Gia deeply values meaningful activities that enrich her life. She pours energy and time into them, far, far more than she ever hangs out with anyone *just* to hang out. If you want to get more dyad time with her, just suggest an activity that she'll find worthwhile and that you and she can share, like yoga or a class or a monthly play party. This is just how she works, it's not like she was trying to make time with that particular friend *before* the hobby was brought up."

- I've noticed this before, and after this trip I'm positive it's a real pattern -- Eric, more than anyone else, notices if I start to say something but get cut off and don't continue, or sometimes even if I just make a small sounds or gesture that indicates that I might have something to say but then don't say it. In both cases, he'll ask me if I had something to say. More than once it's helped me express myself, since my instinct normally isn't to plow forward if I'm not feeling listened to or if I'm hesitant about something I want to say. I really appreciate this tiny way that he supports me and shows that he's aware and paying attention to me. Maybe it's something he does for all his friends and I just haven't noticed, I don't know, but, regardless, it's special to me.

- The master suite also came with a large jacuzzi tub. About halfway through the first day, Gia mentioned to me that she thought she might take a bath. She then sighed and said that she might even like to take one with Eric, if it weren't for needing to watch Bee. I scoffed and told her that she absolutely should do just that, because I'd be more than happy to watch Bee. She took me up on it, and I chatted with our friends while minding the boy. About a half an hour later, Eric came down, clearly having just dried off, and told me that Gia wanted to know if I would scrub her back for her. You can probably guess that I didn't have to deliberate over my answer. :D He took over watching Bee.

Gia had told me once before that she loves being intimate in bathtubs. Her anxiety and her difficulty in letting people close just slip away in the water. I'd never before taken advantage of this fact, and was delighted at the opportunity.

I stopped and laughed in the doorway when I saw that the tub was piled HIGH with bubbles -- they'd found some bubble bath, and the jacuzzi jets had taken the situation to a fairly absurd level. Gia was gorgeous, wet and smiling and welcoming, in her element. I slid in with her and began rubbing her with a washcloth. Suffice to say, incredibly sexy things happened, including D/s, orgasms for each of us, and a scrumptious side dish of sexual humiliation when one of our friends walked in halfway through and smacked me on the ass while I was laying on my stomach across Gia's lap.

Afterwards, Gia told me that she's determined to make more room for me, for us, for this, in her life. She told me that I'm "a blessing." All of it was incredibly gratifying to hear. I was just blissed out.

Things have been so *good* lately, in contrast to how much trouble I was having last month. I am still working hard to be chill and calm, but it feels like I'm getting a lot more in return lately, like the inputs of energy are matching my outputs of energy in a way that is actually sustainable.

Bee was incredibly adorable the entire trip, especially when interacting with the other baby, but that's a given. :)
 
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I used to really like posting with advice on the Poly Relationships section of the boards. I still check it sometimes, but I find that, for whatever reason, I almost never have the emotional energy to write anything these days. I just find it too depressing. I'm so glad to be involved with people who are fair-minded, kind, and genuinely interested in my well-being. I may not get everything I want right when I want it, but I know that my partners and my metamour seriously consider my best interests along with their own and try to do right by everyone involved. It sucks that so many people don't seem to have that.
 
Totally know what you are talking about, isn't it sad? I never was that actively giving advice anyway, but I seldom find the time and energy to even read most of the new posts. I have had this "I don't know where all this drama comes from" realization some months ago and felt quite out of place for not having severe problems while exploring our relationships. Still hoping to read some happy stories from time to time.
 
I'm with you there Annabel. While I enjoy the shared experience of this forum, sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to contribute. I also don't want to rub it in people's faces that things are going well for me when they are struggling.
 
Still thinking about our awesome weekend. There was this one moment when we were all eating fresh-caught blue crabs and Gia carefully, carefully slid the bones and cartilage and gunk and such away from the inner meat, somehow managing to keep all the meat connected in one big chunk. I've been eating crabs all my life and I've *never* done that. Then she handed it to me like a flower. :) :) :) Later, on the ride home, we stopped into a grocery store to grab some snacks and she bought three mini-cartons of ice cream, one for each of us. Being fed is one of those things that just makes me feel so cared for.

Their nanny had to cancel at the very last minute this week, and might not be able to work for them in the future, so they're in a bit of a mad scramble at the moment. I took off work on Monday to be with Bee. At one point I had to stop by a farm, and he got to meet some animals, which he really enjoyed. On the ride back, as he made soft noises in the car seat, I felt so warmly pleased to have given him a new experience. I felt like having him as a part of my life gives everything a new layer of meaning. I thought about maybe trying, just trying, to work 10-hour days for a few weeks, to see if I can hack it. If I can, and if my boss is still amenable to the idea, I could take one weekday off per week to be with him. I honestly don't know if I could sustain that, I *hate* getting up early. Still, I ought to at least try. Even if I didn't always end up watching him, it'd be amazing to have an extra day to take classes or do chores or relax.
 
Gia and I worked out some things today, via chat and email. It was very tense at times, there were parts where my hands shook as I typed and I felt adrenaline-y and weird.

A very basic summary:

Her: Wanna go to this class? It'd be a really cute date!

Me: Totally! But let's not count it towards our "every other month dates" goal unless we're also, like, getting dinner or just hanging or whatnot.

Her: Why not? I think it'd still be a date.

Me: ......
...........
How am I supposed to feel valued in this relationship when you don't want to make any time to just *be* with me, you only want to hang if we're also doing some other hobby or activity? How is it any different than you just making time to be with other friends?

Her: It's different because it's *you*. Because of my anxiety, it's actually much easier for me to be relaxed with someone if there's another context besides just social interaction, such as an activity we're doing together. I picked this particular activity because I thought you'd enjoy it and find it romantic, it's not something I'd bother to make time for with anyone else.

Me: Agh, crap, I'm sorry, that actually is thoughtful and romantic. I've just been feeling crazy lately, jealous and insecure in ways I'm not used to. It's been almost two years since you got pregnant and we weren't able to be as close, and I've been fine most of that time, but lately I'm less fine and I don't know why.

Her: I feel like I've been giving this relationship my all these last 6 months, and I don't know that I have anything more to give. It scares me that I've laid out a schedule that I know I can handle, and you're still feeling like it's not enough. I can try to give more, but I just have so little energy and time. On top of everything, my relationship with Eric is super strained, and now this is just so upsetting and frustrating.

Me: It's like, now that the intimacy we'd been missing is finally returning, I'm suddenly unable to avoid the knowledge of how much I miss it. I think it'll get better. It really helps to understand more about how your anxiety shapes the choices you make about what you want to do together, thank you for clarifying that. I'm sorry for upsetting you, I know that you're trying and that things are just hard right now. I wish I could help more.

Both of us: We're going to be ok. It's good that we trust each other enough to hear the hard things.

Ergh, so stressful but so important to hash this stuff out...
 
It really helps to understand more about how your anxiety shapes the choices you make about what you want to do together, thank you for clarifying that.

I find this is essential. My husband tries to shield me from his stresses, but that one fuels my insecurities because I can tell there's something off, but am just left to guess. Knowing some of the thought processes makes the world of difference.
 
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